She stood and stretched, then sat down across from him at the table. “Later. Much later.” She reached to open the third carton. It was unidentifiable, but it smelled great. Wow, she hadn’t realized how hungry she was. She’d worked straight through lunch.
T. handed her a pair of paper-wrapped chopsticks, and they ate in silence.
Finally he cleared his throat. “Kel, I want to apologize for this morning.”
She glanced at him, and his eyes were a very serious shade of green. But he couldn’t hold her gaze, and he looked away.
“I went too far,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry and I—”
“T.—”
“Please, let me finish, okay?”
He looked up at her, and she nodded slowly.
“I don’t seem to have very much control when it comes to you. I’m afraid—” He cleared his throat again. “I’m afraid I’m not going to hear you or understand you when you tell me to stop, and I can’t deal with the thought that I might—” He shook his head and took a deep breath. “Anyway, you don’t have to worry, I’m not going to kiss you again.”
It was then that Kelly knew with absolute certainty that she wanted him to kiss her again. Wanted? Hell, she needed him to kiss her.
She stood. “Let me get this straight. You’re not going to kiss me again, because you don’t want to make love to me.”
Jax shook his head, laughing with frustration. “That’s the problem. I do want to make love to you.” He watched as she walked around the table and sat down in the chair next to his. “Desperately.” He pushed his half-eaten dinner away from him. “You’ve read my letters, Kelly. You know how I feel. I love you. I’m just afraid—”
“That when I say no, you won’t be able to stop,” Kelly finished for him. “The message won’t get through.”
“Yeah.” Jax rubbed his forehead as if he had a headache. He stood suddenly. “I need a beer. You want a beer?”
She stood, too. “T., wait.”
Even with the windows open wide and the salty ocean breeze blowing into the room, Jax could smell Kelly’s sweet scent. She was standing much too close. He tried to take a step backward, but bumped into the table. She moved even closer.
“Watch my mouth,” Kelly said. “And listen really carefully.”
“Kel—”
“Come on, T.,” she said. “Watch and listen.”
Jax couldn’t find any answers in her eyes, so he dropped his gaze to her soft lips.
“Are you listening?” she asked, and he nodded.
Her lips curved upward into an enchanting smile, and then she said, quite clearly, “No.”
Jax closed his eyes. Torture. She was torturing him.
“You have any trouble understanding that?”
Eyes still closed, he shook his head. “Of course not. But these are hardly the same conditions that—”
“Okay, then, kiss me,” Kelly ordered him.
He opened his eyes. “What?”
She smiled at him again. “Put your arms around me and kiss me,” she repeated. “Gee, I didn’t think I’d have to ask you twice.”
“Kel—”
“Come on, Tyrone. Kiss me. I can’t prove my point until you do.”
“And which point is it that you’re trying to prove?”
Kelly laughed. “Kiss me and you’ll find out.”
Forget torture. She was trying to kill him. “I’m not sure this is such a good idea.” He looked down at her mouth, and it was his undoing. She was moistening her lips with the tip of her tongue, and, God, he had to kiss her.
She was standing close, but not close enough, and as his mouth went down to meet hers, he pulled her in toward him. Just as his lips brushed hers, she reached up and, pressing the palms of her hands against his chest, she pushed herself back, away from him.
He let go of her instantly.
Kelly laughed. “You seemed to understand that, too.”
Jax closed his eyes and pressed the heel of his hand against the bridge of his nose. This was going to be one hell of a headache when it finally arrived. If he lived that long. When he opened his eyes, Kelly was still standing directly in front of him, smiling up at him.
“Understand what?” he asked wearily.
She reached out and pushed against his chest with the palm of her hand again. “That,” she said. “You know what it means when I do that, right?”
“Yeah. It means stop, don’t, no.”
“Well, there you have it. Two perfectly understandable ways to say no—one verbal, one not.”
She looked so pleased with herself. “I hate to break it to you,” he said, “but if you’ve just made your point, you lost me somewhere.”
“Well, actually, no,” she told him. “I haven’t made my point yet. In order for me to do that, you have to kiss me again.”
Jax sat down tiredly on top of the table. “Kel—”
They were nearly the same height now, and Kelly stepped in between his legs and draped her arms around his neck. “I suppose I could always kiss you.” Leaning forward slightly, she did.
Her lips were soft, and tasted so sweet. She pulled back slightly, looking into his eyes and smiling before she kissed him again.
Jax opened his mouth under the gentle pressure from her tongue. She was kissing him. Kelly was kissing him. He couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry, so he did neither. Instead, he put his arms around her, crushing her to him, devouring the sweetness of her mouth with his own.
Kelly laughed, arching her head back as he rained kisses down her neck. “The reason you didn’t hear me say no this morning was because I didn’t say it. And if you listen very closely, you still won’t hear me say no.”
Jax couldn’t breathe. “And how about if I pick you up and carry you into my bedroom?” he asked. “Will you still not say no?”
“Maybe you should give it a try,” Kelly answered huskily.
He swung her up into his arms.
“T.’s bedroom was lit only by the evening sunset. Red and orange light streamed in through the windows, making the white walls seem warm and pink. He set her gently on his bed, and Kelly reached for him, pulling him down next to her. She kissed him and slid her hands up, underneath his T-shirt, glad she’d finally given in.
“Kelly, wait,” he said. He was breathing hard, and she knew by the accelerated beat of his heart that he didn’t really want to stop. But he caught her hands. “You know how much I want to make love to you.” His face was serious as his eyes searched hers.
She nodded. “I want it, too.”
“Do you?” A muscle flickered in his jaw as he clenched and unclenched his teeth. “Do you really want to make love? Or is this just going to be sex?”
Kelly tried to smile. “Can’t we figure that out later?”
T. was trying to smile, too, but she could see the hurt in his eyes. “An evasive answer. You still won’t admit that you love me, will you?”
“Jackson—” Kelly looked down at the floor “—I’m just not ready—”
“For this,” he finished with her. “I know.”
He was still holding her hands, and he laced her fingers with his, squeezing them gently. “This might come as a shock to you, and God knows it’s one hell of a shock to me, but I’m not going to settle for sex. I’m not going to settle, period. When you decide to admit to yourself that you love me, then I’ll make love to you. But not until then.” He drew her hands to his mouth and kissed them before he released her.
Kelly was shocked. She was shocked that he would actually turn her down, but mostly shocked at how disappointed she felt. “Well.” Her voice sounded breathless and odd. “Who would’ve guessed that you’d end up being the one to say no?”
But T. shook his head vehemently. “I’m saying yes,” he said. “To the question that really matters, Kel, I’m the one saying yes.”
Chapter 14
Three o’clock in the morning, and Jax still sat in front of the computer, staring sightlessly at
the screen. God, would this night never end?
He couldn’t sleep. He’d tried that already, and all he did was lie in bed and think about the fact that Kelly wasn’t there with him.
She should’ve been, and worst of all, she could’ve been. He’d lost his mind. That had to be the answer. No red-blooded, hot-blooded American man in his right mind would’ve turned down a woman like Kelly the way he had. He had suddenly been possessed by the spirit of these damned romantic heroes he obviously spent too much time writing about.
“So go and tell her you were wrong,” a familiar voice cut through his thoughts. Jared was sitting on a bed in one of the guest rooms of the sprawling ranch house. He looked dashing, as usual, his thick, glossy hair disheveled and his shirt off. His arm was still bleeding. The bullet had gone clear through, and Carrie was bandaging both sides of the wound. “Tell Kelly,” Jared said, “that you were temporarily insane and that you’ll gladly settle for a pure, uncomplicated sexual relationship—Ouch!”
He looked up at Carrie in surprise as she was none too gentle with his arm. “He loves her,” Carrie said to Jared. “Has it occurred to you that he might actually want more than just a sexual relationship? And I don’t care what you say, no relationship is ever uncomplicated.”
“Look, guys,” Jax broke in. “We’re coming up on the ending to this story here. Could we maybe be a little nicer to each—”
“I’m being incredibly nice,” Jared declared. “Man, she shot me, and I’m still offering to stick around and help her defend her ranch and her water rights against those outlaws—”
“I don’t want or need your help,” Carrie said tightly. “As soon as I’m done wrapping you up, I will thank you very much to take your oversize horse and your oversize ego off of my land.”
“Hang on!” Jax said. “Let me get some of this on disk.” He started to write.
“You need help,” Jared said bluntly. “Who’re you gonna get it from? That old man you got working in your stables? Or maybe that little boy I saw running across the yard a minute ago?”
“Well, at least I know they won’t desert me.”
“Whoa now,” Jared said, catching her arm before she could turn away. “I never deserted you. I told you I would come back for you. You didn’t wait for me!”
“I couldn’t wait.”
“You didn’t want to wait,” he accused her.
Carrie laughed, but there was no humor on her pretty face. “No, Jared, I couldn’t. I was carrying your child.”
Shock. Complete numbing shock. A…child?
“We have a child?” Jared breathed.
“A son.”
Outside the window, across the yard, the little boy was helping the old man brush down Jared’s stallion. Slowly Jared pulled himself to his feet, crossing to the window, staring out at…his son?
Jared turned to her. “Carrie, God, I didn’t know.”
It had been purely by accident that he had deserted Carrie more than eight years ago. If he had known she needed him so desperately, he would’ve walked through hell to get to her.
Now she was in trouble again, and he was damned if he was going to desert her a second time.
Kelly couldn’t sleep. She sat on her bed, looking at the pile of letters T. Jackson had written to her in the few weeks she’d been here.
He loved her.
There was proof of that in these letters. As if she’d really need any other proof after tonight…T. never would’ve refused a chance to go to bed with her if he didn’t love her.
She felt tears welling up in her eyes. She couldn’t let herself love him back. It would hurt too much when he stopped loving her. And he would stop loving her. Or maybe he just wouldn’t love her enough to stick around. He’d loved her seven years ago, but not enough to fight for her, not even enough to come back for her when she turned eighteen the way he’d promised.
No, she couldn’t risk letting herself love him.
The best thing for both of them was for Kelly to pack her things and go back to Boston.
She wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her T-shirt and took her suitcase out of the closet. It didn’t take her long to pack her clothes, but the sun was starting to peek over the edge of the horizon by the time she was done.
One more walk on the beach. She’d take one more walk before she woke up Jackson to ask him to drive her to the bus station.
The dawn air was damp, but the sun was already hot enough to start burning off the mist and ocean fog. The beach was deserted and quiet, with only the sounds of the water and the seagulls breaking the calm.
In just a few hours, she’d be back in Boston, back in the noisy city, away from the beach. Away from T.
She’d be alone again, working in the solitude of her apartment, unable to turn around and ask a stupid grammar question or share a joke, a comment, a smile.
Fact was, she was going to miss T. Jackson.
Kelly’s bare toes dug into the wet sand as she walked, and she tried to brush away the tears that had gathered again in her eyes. She was going to miss more than T.’s keen sense of humor and his help editing her manuscript. She was going to miss the way his eyes crinkled up at the corners when he laughed. She was going to miss the fact that he could get dressed up to the nines for dinner in a hand-tailored suit and still not wear any socks. She was going to miss his teasing, his jokes, the way he smiled at her when he said “Good morning.”
And she was going to miss his kisses.
Her tears were falling faster now, and Kelly just sat down in the sand at the edge of the water and cried.
Who was she trying to kid? She was in love with T. Jackson Winchester the Second. There was no doubt about it.
A romantic hero would stick to his guns and not give in.
But Jax wasn’t any kind of romantic hero, and the fact remained that as much as he wanted Kelly to admit that she was in love with him, there was no guarantee that she was going to.
The fact also remained that after a long, sleepless night, Jax realized as much as it would hurt him in the long run, he was willing to take whatever Kelly was willing to give. And if that meant having a no-strings, no-commitment relationship based on a sexual attraction…well, at least there would be some pleasure with his pain.
When it came to Kelly, he was weak. He would be the first to admit that.
He stood outside Kelly’s bedroom door. There was no sound from inside. Of course there wasn’t. It wasn’t even 6:00 a.m.
Jax knocked softly on the door, but there was no answer. He tried the knob, and it turned. The door was unlocked, so he pushed it open.
The room was empty; the bed hadn’t even been slept in. And Kelly’s suitcase was packed and standing in the middle of the floor.
She was going to leave.
Pain hit him hard and square in the middle of his chest, and he struggled to breathe. Kelly was going to leave.
He heard a sound, and turned to see her standing in the doorway. She looked so beautiful. Her hair was tousled from the wind and curling from the humidity. Her T-shirt was damp from the ocean’s spray and it clung to her soft curves. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes bright with tears—
Jax swallowed the last of his pride. “Kel, please don’t go.” His voice cracked slightly. He tried to smile. “You win. I’ll play by your rules. We’ll do this your way.”
Kelly watched him rake his fingers through his thick blond hair. He wasn’t trying to hide his desperation from her, and she could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice.
“T.—” she started.
“You don’t have to love me.” He took a step forward. “I know that you care about me, and that’s good enough for now.”
He was making a sacrifice. He was willing to toss aside the things he wanted in order to keep her near him.
“No, T.—”
“Kelly, please.” Another step, and he took her hands in his. His eyes were fiercely determined. “If you leave, I’m just going to follow you. I can’t live with
out you. I don’t want to live without you. I refuse to live without you—”
He kissed her, a hard, demanding, hungry kiss that sent fire racing through her blood. With his arms around her as he held her tightly to him, she could feel his heart beating as he whispered, “Please, don’t go. I was wrong—”
“No, you were right.” Kelly reached up to touch the side of his face and realized her hand was shaking. God, what she felt for this man scared her to death. She didn’t want to say the words aloud. But she had to, if only to relieve the look of desperation in his eyes. “You’ve been right all along—”
“Right now there is no wrong or right,” Jax said, shaking his head. “All I know is that I’d do damn near anything to make you stay.”
She was in his arms, and he was looking down into the bottomless depths of her eyes. His memories of those eyes had been his savior, his connection to sanity, blurring the line between reality and fantasy during a time when reality would have broken him.
Now her eyes were filled with tears, tears that escaped to run down the exquisite softness of her cheeks.
“You don’t have to,” Kelly told him quietly, “because, God help me, I love you, T.”
Did she just say that she loved him? He stared at her. Had her words been fantasy or reality?
“What did you say?” he whispered.
“I love you. God knows I don’t want to, but I do.”
Reality.
With a sudden blinding flash, Jax could see his future stretching out in front of him, and for the first time in ages, it was lit by sunshine and laughter. She loved him. Kelly had finally admitted that she loved him.
He kissed her, tasting the salt of her tears, the sweetness of her lips. He could see the love in her eyes. It wasn’t new—he’d seen it there before—but she wasn’t trying to hide or ignore it now.
“T., make love to me,” Kelly said.
“Come to my room,” he breathed, and she nodded.
Holding her hand, Jax led her down the hall to his bedroom, drawing her inside and locking the door behind her. He closed the door that led to his office, then turned to look at her.
Letters to Kelly Page 18