by Cash
It was pitch dark outside, but I didn’t give a fuck. I drove down to Zeke’s main spot in East Point and turned it into tattered wood. A mile away was another one of his spots. I saw a nigga walking up on the porch whom I recognized as one of Zeke’s workers. I aimed the yoppa out the window and did the boy real dirty. A smoker across the street ducked behind a parked truck. I knew he could describe my whip and may have peeped my tag number, so I hopped out of the car and ran over to where he was ducked down. His eyes bulged when I got up on him.
“I ain’t seen nothing, my man,” he cried.
“Me either,” I said and sent him off into the afterlife.
I heard sirens but somehow avoided po-po. I guess if there was a God, he was watching over me. That’s what Big Ma always said. I wasn’t a religious dude, but I believed there was a power higher than me. My pop had been a Five-Percenter at the time of his death and had not believed in any GOD other than the Black man. I knew that Juanita’s fake ass had introduced him to that culture. Since it had bred a counterfeit ho like her, I could not embrace it. My only belief was that there was a heaven for a G, where no slimy muthafuckas were allowed.
I quickly got out of the area where I had just lit up the night. Not really having a destination, I decided to go by Ava’s. When I got there she had company of the female persuasion, some butch broad that looked like Ray J. “I’ll pull up on you another time,” I suggested, but Ava nipped that in the bud.
“No, you won’t. Now that you here I’m not letting you go nowhere. Hold up a minute, let me tell this she-male that she she has to bounce,” whispered Ava.
“Don’t let me interrupt y’all,” I said, plopping down on the couch and inhaling the scent of vanilla incense that wafted throughout the living room.
Ava jauntered off into the room where her little fake dude friend had just gone. I sparked a blunt and waited for the show. A minute later the butch ho stormed past me, right out the door.
“I don’t get it. Don’t she know that her strap on can’t compare to this python,” I cracked, grabbing my crotch.
“I know, right?” Ava didn’t hesitate to agree.
For a whole week, I chilled with shawdy and realized that she was good people. Her sex was dumb good and she knew how to cater to a nigga’s every need. At night she went to work at the club and I hit the streets with my hoodie, scarf, gloves and banger.
In the day, we hit the malls or different restaurants because microwave pizza pockets was the limit of Ava’s culinary skills. One day while we were at the Golden Corral in College Park, we ran into Kamora and Inez. The hurt was written all over Kamora’s face, but she didn’t show out.
I nodded at Inez then took Ava somewhere else to eat. Back at her crib Ava asked, “Do you still love her?”
“I don’t love nobody, shawdy. So I’m telling you right now, don’t fall in love with me because I can’t love you back. I’m on a whole different mission and love ain’t nowhere in the equation.”
“But you have to love someone. What about your mother? Don’t you love her?” Ava asked.
“Fuck no! I mean . . . I love my sisters and I love Inez and both of my grandmothers, but that’s it.”
Ava took in my answer and seemed to be dissecting it in her mind. “You love Kamora, too. You’re just mad at her,” she concluded.
“I don’t love her. She betrayed her word to me. That’s a sign that she’ll betray me in other ways, too, but I’m not giving her a chance to do that. Fuck a bitch!” I exploded.
After that, Ava retreated from that subject. I pulled her down on my lap and said,” Just enjoy this gangsta shit I put on you while it lasts. When it’s over, it’s over. No regrets.”
“Okay.” She brightened up. “I still want you to have these.” She held up a set of door keys.
“Shawdy, you’re sprung already.” I smiled and accepted the keys.
A couple days later, I was rolling down Glenwood, having just collected taxes from a nigga out toward Decatur. A detective’s car got behind me and turned on its flashing lights. I drove on for another block or two, allowing myself time to slide my banger in the hidden compartment in the driver’s door. Once I had done that, I pulled over at a well-lit and heavily populated service station. I didn’t trust po-po.
I recognized Smooth. I wondered what the outcome of this would be. I didn’t know why he had pulled me over, but I knew I wasn’t letting him cuff me. I let my window down with my driver’s license, car registration, and insurance already in hand. A group of people stood around anticipating any type of excitement. If Smooth planned to arrest me I was about to give them the show they seeked.
“What’s up, Trouble?” said Smooth in an unofficial tone, like we were friends.
“Talk to my attorney.”
“Why would I need to do that? You commited any crimes lately? Oh, my bad, that’s an everyday thing for little Youngblood.”
“Keep my pop’s name out ya mouth. And I don’t got time to kick it. Check my papers and let me bounce. Time is money.”
He laughed but it was fake. “Money,” he repeated. “Now the love of that is what we have in common. Let’s make a date to talk. We could be very beneficial to each other.”
I looked at him like the fool he was and then I told him that I don’t fuck wit po-po at all. “Besides, I’m straight legit these days,” I lied.
“And a cow’s pussy ain’t beef,” he quipped.
I pretended not to get his point so he moved on.
“I have a real lucrative offer for you, but it’s not wise for me to be seen talking to you. Meet me on the corner of MLK and Ashby in two hours. I’ll be in a black Silverado; you can follow me somewhere where we can talk privately. This is on the up and up. I’m offering you a license to commit crimes without having to worry about ever being arrested. Think about it.” He walked back to his car and I drove off.
Two hours later I was nowhere near MLK and Ashby—fuck the dumb shit. Instinct told me that Smooth was trying to do me dirty. Besides, the only thing po-po could do for me was draw a chalk line around my victims.
I pulled up on a boy outside a house off Flat Shoals that I’d heard was doing stupid numbers. Before he peeped the move, I was breathing in his ear. “They call me Trouble. Does that name ring a bell in your mind?”
“Yeah, I heard of you.”
“Good. Then you already know my get down, so don’t make me act a fool. You got a baby mama?”
“Yep.”
“Do you take care of your child?”
“Yeah.”
“You wanna live to see him or her grow up?”
“Yep.”
“Well, go inside and tell your homies that Trouble is outside their door. Tell ‘em to send five bands out, and I’ma expect that same amount every week. If anyone besides you step out that door I’ma yop ‘em down and hold you accountable,” I warned, before allowing him to go deliver my message.
I ducked off, peeping out from behind a dumpster when he came back out of the house. I had the yoppa clacked, ready to leave carnage behind. “Bring it here,” I called out. He was probably squeezing his ass cheeks as he followed my voice, but he did as I commanded. I pocketed the street tax and he walked back inside, shoulders slumped. I’m sure he felt punked, but the alternative would have been death.
Back at Ava’s crib, I broke shawdy off a few bands. She was playing her role without pressing a young nigga, so I didn’t hesitate to bless her. “What did you ever do with that brick you had?” I asked, thinking about it for the first time.
“I gave it to a friend to sell for me and he ended up shitting on me,” she admitted.
“Was you fuckin’ him?”
“No,” she replied a little too quickly.
“Shawdy, if you gonna be down you can’t lie to me. I don’t feel no kinda way if you was fuckin’ him or not. I just asked because I’ma make the nigga pay you. But if you care about the nigga, I’ma stay out of it.”
“Okay, I slept with him a
few times, but I don’t have any feelings for that bitch. He played me out of my money, and now he comes to the club and acts like he don’t owe shit.”
“A’ight. Don’t lie to me no more. Now what’s the nigga’s name?” I smacked her on that phat ass.
“They call him Trap. He be on Gresham Road.”
“I’ll find him and get your money. Now come show me how you like to curl a nigga’s toes.”
As if I didn’t already have enough on my plate, my sister Laquanda called me crying. I asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Mama tried to make me suck this man’s thing so he would give her some rocks,” Laquanda cried.
“I’ma kill that bitch!” I shouted. “Stop crying, baby, I’m on my way to get you.”
I kissed Ava before leaving out of the house, but I paid no attention to her pleas for me not to murder Shan. Fuck that! Shan had crossed the line.
The only thing that saved her from death that night was that she wasn’t at home when I got there. I helped Laquanda pack her things, and we set out for Big Ma’s house. On the way there, I thought I detected a car following me.
“Get down and don’t raise up until I tell you to,” I ordered Laquanda. Anticipating drama, I grabbed the banger out of the hidden compartment.
The car continued behind me for another mile and then it turned off. I bent a few more corners to make sure that I had shook whoever might’ve been following me. Then I continued out to Big Ma’s. Once I got Laquanda settled, I bounced. Finding Shan was the only thing on my mind. When I got back to my car, the muthafucka wouldn’t start. “Fuck!” I sighed and kept trying the engine with the same result.
Finally, I gave up and entered Big Ma’s house complaining about the car not starting and the foul shit Shan tried to do to Laquanda.
“Take that as a sign that God doesn’t want you to leave out of here tonight,” Big Ma said. I wasn’t tryna hear that though, God should’ve told Shan something before she did that fuck shit.
I had to beg Big Ma for her keys to her car because I think she had a premonition that something bad was going to happen if I left. “What will you do if you find your mother tonight?” she questioned me.
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
“Look in my eyes and promise me that if you find her you won’t lay a hand on her. Just bring her over here.”
“I promise,” I grumbled. It was the first time I ever lied to Big Ma.
It didn’t matter. I searched every crack house in the hood for Shan but could not find her. It was 3 a.m. when I gave up and went to crash at Inez’s house. I planned to take Big Ma’s car back to her tomorrow and have my own car towed to a mechanic’s shop. When I got to Inez’s, she was up watching television. She flicked the remote control to the news channel. They reported the latest on the murder and mayhem in the ‘A’. That wasn’t a concern of mines, my sister’s situation was more important. I sat down on the edge of the sofa and put my head in my hands. How can a mother bring herself to prostitute her own child for drugs? I wondered.
“Is Laquanda okay?” inquired Inez.
“I guess so,” I responded dryly, and then looked up at the television screen.
A news reporter stood outside of a house that was engulfed in flames. “Neighbors say that they saw a car pull up to the house. Two men got out of the vehicle and tossed what is believed to have been gas cocktails through the windows. So far, firefighters have pulled two unidentified bodies from the fire. That’s all we really have now, Don.”
The next camera shot showed my car in the driveway of Big Ma’s house. “Oh my God!” cried Inez.
I flew outside and hopped in the car. Inez was right on my heels in her pajamas. I floored the gas pedal and sped over to Big Ma’s house. There had to be some kind of mistake, I told myself.
When I got there the fire trucks were just pulling away, but a throng of neighbors remained standing across the street from Big Ma’s house, which was now little more than a charred wooden frame. It seemed unbelievable that this could have happened so fast.
I let out a loud scream and pounded my fists on the steering wheel.
CHAPTER 21
The organist was strumming a melody with a plaintive cry when I entered the church doors with Ava’s hand in mine. All heads seemed to turn in our direction and stare. I wondered if they all knew that one of those closed caskets on the altar was meant for me, instead of my beloved Big Ma and sister.
Approaching the front of the pew, I stopped to look up at the picture of Big Ma that sat atop her dove white casket. Even in the photo, she stared back at me with love in her eyes. The ache in my heart was immeasurable. I glanced over to Laquanda’s picture that sat on a three-legged stand next to her soft pink casket. I could hardly breathe; my grief was that intense.
We found our seats in the front row next to relatives whom I barely knew. All three of my sisters sat directly behind me. They had been of no relation to Big Ma or Laquanda, but I knew that they were there for me.
I looked over my shoulder and saw Inez sitting next to Tamia. Kamora came up to me and gave me a hug. I did not see Shan anywhere in the gallery. That bitch was probably somewhere in a crack house on the very day of her mother and daughter’s funeral. The minister stood at the door and greeted the many mourners that filled the church. Then he took to the podium and the service began.
“Fret not thyself because of evil doers. Neither be envious against the workers of iniquity. For they shall soon be cut down like grass, and wither as the green herbs. Trust in the Lord and do good . . . Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass . . . Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; fret not thyself in any wise to do evil: For evil doers shall be cut off, but those that wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth.”
I was not tryna hear that shit.
“I have seen the wicked in great power,” the pastor said, “and spreading himself like a green bay tree. Yet he passed away.”
I blocked out the sermon when he said, “Vengeance is mine, so saith the Lord”—because I knew what I was gonna do. “How long will good Christian folk and little teenage girls suffer at the hands of sinners?”
“Not long,” the church chorused.
“Not long, I tell you brothers and sisters. Soon will be the day of the coming of the Lord. You better get ready.” I stood and walked up on stage. Then I placed my hand on top of Big Ma’s casket and bowed my head.
“Big Ma, I’m sorry. This wasn’t supposed to have been you.” Tears threatened to break through closed gates. “I know I haven’t turned out to be what you hoped I would be. But still, you loved me. Your arms and your doors were always open for me no matter what I did. I hope you know that I loved you and I took everything you ever told me to heart. You did everything you could to steer me away from the life I live, but my pain and anger is too great. I guess the only good about it all is that now it can’t cause you anymore sleepless nights. Rest in peace.” I know I said that gangstas don’t cry, but I was wrong. A stream of tears slid down my face as I thought of my grandmother dying in that fire. My whole body shook with silent sobs.
I took a few weary steps over to my sister’s casket and for the first time in my life, my knees buckled. Placing both hands atop of her casket, I pulled myself up. I laid my head on the closed lid and began to weep.
“Laquanda . . . bruh-bruh . . . is so . . . sorry.” I bawled shamelessly. I had slipped badly. I should’ve never discounted the car that tailed me that night. Guilt overtook me, causing me to sink to my knees under the weight of it. My chest heaved as I sobbed. I felt a pair of delicate hands on each arm, helping me to my feet. “It’s going to be okay, bae.” Kamora comforted me. Tears poured from her eyes and she wrapped her arms around me.
“I know your pain,” added Inez. She laid my head on her shoulder like a loving mother would. The mournful melody playing on the organ brought an outburst of cries from behind me.
A familiar voice shouted from the rear of the
church. “It’s your fuckin’ fault they’re dead! Momma and my baby ain’t never done nothing to nobody. Whoever did that to them was after you! I can’t stand your ugly ass!” Shan stood in the doorway of the church looking jacked up. As she stormed down to the stage where I stood, I could see that her dress was old and soiled. The heels of her shoes leaned to the side and her hair was slicked down with so much grease it looked like a shiny skully.
“Let me at that muthafucka!” she yelled, forgetting that she was disrespecting the church. Inez held her back. “Bitch, get your hands off of me!” she spat. Sharp gasps from the pews spread like a wildfire.
“If this was any other place and time I would do to you what I should’ve done a long time ago.” I stepped right up in Shan’s face. Since she couldn’t get to me, she turned her crack induced fury on Inez and cursed her like only a project chick can. Inez said nothing back. But Shan got too bold when she slapped Inez in the face.
The two of them tore up the stage, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
“It’s a shame how black folks disrespect the dead,” one woman uttered.
“Sister Poochie would be so embarrassed if she was here to see this,” her neighbor added.
All I could do was express my apology to Big Ma and Laquanda in a silent but tearful prayer.
At the gravesite when they lowered the caskets into the earth and the preacher announced, “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust”—he didn’t just bury Big Ma and Laquanda. Along with them, he buried whatever bit of soul that I had left. The streets of the A were about to see the repercussions of turning a young nigga heartless.
For two whole weeks after we buried Big Ma and Laquanda all I did was get high and drunk. Ava finally got fed up with the drinking and called Inez over. The two of them poured out every bottle of liquor I had in the house and flushed a half pound of Kush down the toilet.
“Are you giving up?” Inez challenged me.
“Nawl, just let me grieve in my own way and I’ll be a’ight. You don’t know how I’m feelin’.”
“Oh, I don’t? Do you know how many times I wanted to give up when they killed your father? Every day I thought about taking my own life to end the pain. But I knew that Youngblood wouldn’t have respected that.” She picked my chain up off the coffee table and held it up close to my face. “You gotta rep this no matter what. Sad as it is to say, sometimes the battle doesn’t go in your favor. You’ve made a lot of families shed tears over their loved ones; it was your time to shed some. I’m sorry that it happened like it did, but let this be a lesson to you not to ever leave an enemy breathing or they’ll come back to haunt you.”