by M. H. Soars
She watches me through slits. “Chica, you need to slow down. You have a baby to think about too.” Her gaze drops to my belly, and the dagger twisting inside my heart goes deeper.
“Why are you here?” I try not to sound harsh, but I’m screaming inside.
“I have major news.” She squeezes my arms and leans forward. “I’m a double-decker.”
“What?”
“I’m expecting twins!”
I can’t do anything besides stare at my friend as if I’m made of stone. Jealousy like I’ve never known hits me hard, leaving me breathless and slowly dying in agony. I want to cry, to scream from the top of my lungs about the bitter irony of this situation. But I can’t do that to Saylor. I can’t take away this moment of bliss from her. She’s my best friend. She’s been through hell and deserves all the happiness in the world.
“Congratulations,” I force out.
“You don’t sound so happy.” Her face falls.
Try harder, Olivia. I smile. “I’m just stunned, that’s all. What did Oliver say?”
She snorts. “He said that since he’s a sex god, he’s not surprised his super sperm made two babies.”
“Yup, that’s your husband.”
“Have you told anyone here yet that you’re pregnant?” Saylor whispers.
I look away, unable to lie to Saylor while staring into her eyes. “Not yet. I want to wait until I’m past the third trimester.”
“I see. Well, since I’ve already told everyone, we can still go shopping for baby clothes together, and no one needs to know it’s for you as well.”
My chest feels heavy, as if there’s a boulder on top of it, crushing it in.
“Sounds great,” I say, forcing a cheery tone. I hope Saylor doesn’t sense the lie.
“Okay, let’s go, then. We can also eat as many pretzels without worrying about our figures.”
“Wait, you want to go shopping now?”
“Yes, silly. I didn’t come all the way here to only tell you the news. I’m not that self-centered.”
I grapple with my brain for an excuse to bail out, but Saylor is looking at me with such happiness that I can’t bring myself to lie anymore.
“All right. Let’s go.”
Twenty-One
SEBASTIAN
I keep checking my phone, but so far, no message from Liv. I’ve sent her several since she left the house this morning, and her radio silence is beginning to worry me. I shouldn’t have let her go to work. It’s clear she’s not handling the situation well or dealing with it at all.
When Saylor called complaining that Liv was ignoring her, I knew something was definitely off. I didn’t tell Saylor what happened—I felt it needed to come from Liv since they’re best friends—but I encouraged her to surprise Liv at work. I need to know she’s okay, but if I went myself, she would most likely get upset.
Allan is on the phone when Oliver comes in sporting a grin from ear to ear. He stops next to his partner and pulls the device from Allan’s hand, ending the call.
“What the hell! I was talking with Richard from Red Wire Productions.” Allan glares at Oliver, who just shrugs it off.
“Tell him the call dropped. I have news, and I need everyone’s attention.”
“This better be good,” Allan mutters.
“You know how I’ve always said I was Adonis on Earth?”
“Oh my Lord.” Allan holds his head in his hands. “I threw a stone at the cross.”
Oliver tsks, giving the ginger a pinched look. “Anyway, I just got undeniable proof that it is so.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask.
“Saylor is expecting twins!”
Ah, fuck. That’s why Saylor was hunting Liv down. She wanted to tell her the news in person. This is bad. I stand up suddenly, looking for my car keys.
“What’s wrong, mate?”
“I need to see, Liv.”
“Saylor is with her.”
“I know.”
“Bas, you’re not making any sense. You look like I just told you the Antichrist was coming.”
I rub my face before looking in my friend’s direction. “Liv had a miscarriage Saturday night.”
Horror strikes Oliver’s face, leaving him speechless for a couple of seconds.
“Motherfucker. I feel like a total arsehole. I’m so sorry, Bas.”
“Don’t feel bad. It’s not your fault. I hate being the one ruining your good news, but I’m fucking worried about Liv and what this will do to her.”
Oliver runs his hand through his hair. “It’s too late to warn Saylor now. She must have already told Liv about the twins.”
“Yes. It’s bloody too late.”
LIV
Saylor takes me to the biggest Carter’s store in the area, which is like Disneyland if you’re expecting. She can’t stop putting stuff in her shopping basket, encouraging me to do the same. I only last so long before I say I need to use the restroom. The moment I lock myself in one of the stalls, I burst into tears, fat rivulets that soak my cheeks in an instant. My body shakes as the biggest sorrow I’ve ever known racks my body. It takes several minutes before the waterworks stop. When I come out, I find Saylor waiting for me, leaning against the sink with her arms crossed. Her eyes are red and her cheeks are wet. She stares at me as if she too feels my pain. She knows the truth.
“How?”
“Oliver just texted me. Liv, I am so, so sorry.”
She pulls me into a hug, and I finally allow myself to crumble in public. I begin to cry anew as I hide my face against my friend’s shoulder.
“I feel like a fucking cow, making you shop for baby’s clothes when… oh, chica, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to make you sad.”
“So you decided to put yourself through the worst torture imaginable?”
“I didn’t know what else to do.”
I pull back, wiping my soiled cheeks with the back of my hand. “I’m so happy for you and Ollie, Saylor. I want you to believe that.”
“I know you are.” She brushes her fingers under her eyes, smearing her eyeliner a little. “Do you want to talk?”
Shaking my head, I look down. “Not really. I feel like such a failure, Blue. And empty, so very empty.”
Another tear runs down my cheek, and Saylor wipes it off with the tip of her thumb. “I know this sounds corny as hell, but you’re young. You’ll have another baby, or dozens if you want.”
I let out a shaky laugh. “Yes, that’s super cliché, but I get what you’re saying.”
“I don’t want you to blame yourself for one more second, Liv. I mean it. This was not your fault.”
I nod, withholding the dark truth that I don’t dare say out loud. I’ll always feel somewhat responsible, no matter how many people tell me otherwise.
Twenty-Two
LIV
It’s been two weeks since that horrible evening, and I have done my best to put on a show for everyone’s sake. I don’t want them to worry about me, but most importantly I don’t anyone feeling sorry for me.
It’s easy to pretend with my family, but to hide my inner turmoil from Sebastian is hard. He doesn’t need me to go all dark on him, so I pretend I’ve dealt with the blow and moved on, but I know he can sense the wall I’ve put between us. It’s like we’re back to the weird spot we were before our trip to Cabo. I just don’t know how to be around him anymore.
We’re headed to my parents’ for one of their famous barbecues. I suspect the get-together was organized for my sake because I haven’t been very social lately.
Sebastian fills the silence with a one-sided conversation, talking about his projects with Renegades. I just nod and give monosyllabic answers when prompted. When we park in front of my parents’ house, he sighs loudly and turns to me. “You haven’t listened to a word I said, have you?”
“I’m sorry, Bas. I’m just tired.” I don’t look at him.
“You’re tired. Right.”
&n
bsp; He gets out without saying another word. I watch him walk around the car and stride toward the house. He doesn’t wait for me to follow him. He’s mad, but I can’t summon the energy to be concerned about that. Resting my head against the seat, I close my eyes and wish I could just vanish.
A loud knock on my window scares the shit out of me, making my heart leap up my throat. Jeremy is watching me with a shit-eating grin from the other side.
“Wake up, sleepyhead,” he says.
I notice he’s not alone. A pretty blonde is standing next to him, looking a little shy. He must have brought a date, something he’s never done before.
Huffing, I get out of the car. “I wasn’t sleeping, just resting my eyes.”
“Sure.”
I glance at his companion, waiting for an introduction.
“Hi, I’m Danni,” the girl says.
“Oh right. This is Liv, one of my sisters. She’s the nice one.”
I roll my eyes. “Don’t let Kimmy hear that. Hi, Danni, nice to meet you. This is the first time Jeremy has ever brought a girlfriend to meet the family.”
Her face turns bright red as she glances at Jeremy. “Oh, he’s not—I mean, this is our first date.”
“Oh?” I raise an eyebrow at my younger brother. He’s up to something.
I wait until we’re inside the house and Danni is busy talking to my parents to pull Jeremy to the side. “What are you doing?”
He looks at me with eyes widely innocent, but the corners of his lips twitch up. “Me? Nothing.”
“Oh my God. You’re Sebastian Coleman,” Danni says loudly.
I turn, and sure as shit, the poor girl is staring at my husband like he’s some kind of god. Jealousy spikes through my veins. It’s the first time I feel anything stronger than sadness. I glare at my brother, but he doesn’t notice; instead, he’s watching Danni through slits.
“Hi?” Sebastian says.
Danni turns to Jeremy. “You didn’t tell me you knew Sebastian Coleman from Boys Future.”
I can tell Jeremy is not happy about Danni’s reaction. “It never occurred to me that it was important. He’s my brother-in-law.”
Danni looks at me, and then understanding dawns on her face. “Oh my gosh. I’m such a twat. Of course, I remember the big speech Sebastian gave about you. You’re the reason Boys Future is no more.”
My jaw drops and I’m two seconds away from dragging this girl out of the house. Sebastian comes to stand next to me, throwing an arm over my shoulder and kissing my temple. “Actually, I was ready to quit way before Liv came back into my life.”
I glance at his face and smile genuinely for the first time in weeks. Then I kiss him long and hard. I’m putting on a show for Danni’s benefit, and Sebastian knows it, but he goes along with it. When we break apart, my heart is fluttering like mad in my chest, but that joy is quickly replaced by a tightness when I remember our baby is gone. Will I ever stop feeling the loss?
Mom kindly drags Danni away, and I take that moment to question my brother. “What the hell were you thinking bringing that airhead here?”
“Jealous, are you?”
“Jeremy.” I narrow my eyes at him.
“Oh fine. I figured the quickest way to find out if a girl is worthy of my time is to put her in front of Sebastian or Oliver. You know, to see how she’ll react. Danni is most definitely not girlfriend material.”
I cross my arms in front of my chest and stare at the idiot I’m related to. “So you were just using my husband in your selection process?”
“Pretty much.” He shrugs.
“Man, that’s harsh, even from you, Jer,” Owen laughs as he comes into the room.
“It’s the most efficient elimination process ever. There’s a line of girls who want to get with the Jer-man.” He points two thumbs at his chest and smiles like an idiot.
“Oh my God. My brother is a fuckboy.” Kimmy throws her hands up in the air, not stopping to hang with us.
Owen and Sebastian laugh while Jeremy makes a pinched face. “Whatever. I can’t help it if I’m irresistible.”
“Have you been hanging out with Oliver without us knowing?” I ask.
“No, but I wouldn’t mind picking his brain. I know you’ll flay me alive if I ask Sebastian, but he was quite the Casanova too.”
“Er, I’d better see if Murphy needs help outside.” Sebastian walks away, leaving me seething. Jeremy just had to remind me of Sebastian’s colorful past.
“Don’t look so down, sis. At least you didn’t remain all virginal waiting for your knight in shining armor’s return.”
“Jer, that statement is so inappropriate I’m not even going to comment on it.”
“Sorry, Liv. I’m just trying to lighten the mood. How are things with you?”
Wow. I didn’t expect him to ask that at all. Jeremy and serious topics don’t mesh well together. “Not so great, Jer. But I’ll get better.”
“Can we talk? Privately.”
The change in his demeanor is quite obvious, and I’m intrigued in an instant. “Sure.”
I follow Jeremy to Dad’s office and he closes the door, giving us privacy.
“What’s up?”
Jeremy goes to Dad’s desk and picks up a family picture of all of us. He was just a baby in it. “Do you remember my rebel days in high school when I was causing all sorts of trouble for Mom and Dad?”
“Yeah, you were a shithead.”
“I know. Mom got depressed and stuff. Do you know what made me get my act together?”
“I have no idea. I just thought you wised up.”
Jeremy laughs without humor. “Yeah, right. No. Dad had a brutally honest talk with me. He told me something about my birth that no one knows.”
“What?”
“I had a twin. Mom lost my brother or sister during the pregnancy. Dad said she was depressed for months.”
A part of my already-bruised heart breaks apart, leaving a bleeding wound behind. I was too young to remember any of that.
“He told me he would do anything in his power to never see Mom so down like that. He said he would disown me if I didn’t clean my act up. And Liv, he was dead serious. His threat scared me so much, I stopped hanging out with those losers from Goldenbloom High and got onto the basketball team.”
“Why are you telling me this story, Jer?”
“Can you imagine what it must’ve felt like for Mom to give birth to me knowing there was supposed to be another baby? She went through hell and back, but she never once showed that around us—at least that’s what Dad told me. I get that you’re hurting, but don’t push the people who love you away, especially Sebastian. I may have had my differences with him in the past, but he loves you. Let him help you.”
I stare at my baby brother without blinking. “When did you become so wise?”
Jeremy’s lips break into a smirk. “I’ve always been wise. I just hide it well.”
Twenty-Three
SEBASTIAN
Liv is still as silent as ever on the way back home, but there’s something different about her. I’m not sure what she and Jeremy were doing locked in their father’s office for so long, but whatever they talked about, it made an impact on her.
Shane has finally found his own place near his new job, so we have the apartment to ourselves again. Fritz runs ahead of us, getting comfortable on his little bed before dropping on his paws and falling asleep a moment later.
Liv heads to the bedroom and I follow her, not knowing what I should do or say. I never felt so at a loss in our relationship, not even when I was trying to win her back. It feels like I’m walking in a minefield with my eyes closed.
But I can no longer keep my mouth shut. I can’t watch her suffer in silence and not do anything. I’m hurting too, but it seems she’s taken the loss of our baby harder.
“Liv, please don’t shut me out.”
She stares at me, startled, as if she’s noticing my presence in the room for the first time. A moment later,
she replies, “I don’t want to shut you out. I’m trying to protect you.”
“Protect me from what?” I take a step closer.
“From the darkness I feel all the time. I don’t want to drag you down with me.”
“I want to help you. I hate seeing you like that, so listless.”
“I’ve been blaming myself for what happened,” she whispers, so softly I almost can’t hear.
“It’s not your fault.”
She shakes her head and looks down. “I know what everyone says, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like a failure.”
“What did you and Jeremy talk about?”
“He told me….” She pauses to take a shaky breath. “He told me he was a twin, that Mom lost the other baby in the first trimester.”
“Oh, Liv. I’m so sorry.” I breach the distance between us, bringing her into my arms and hugging her as if I want to pull all her worries into myself.
“I know Jeremy only told me the story to help me out of this funk, but all he did was make me even more worried. What if miscarriages are a genetic problem in my family? What if I have one again? I’m so scared.”
“You can’t think like that.” Holding onto her forearms, I push Liv back so I can look into her eyes. “I’m heartbroken that we lost our baby, but you’re the most important thing in the world to me. If having a baby is not in the cards for us, I’ll accept that because I have everything I need right here in front of me.”
Liv’s eyes fill with tears and her lips tremble. “But I want to give you a family. I want you to have that again.”
“We are a family already. You, me, and that ugly-ass dog.” I laugh. “We don’t need to keep trying to get pregnant right away. We can wait a few more years.”
“I don’t want to wait, Bas.”
“Okay, then we don’t, but I don’t want to see you down, or worried about this. Let’s put it in the hands of fate.” I kiss her cheek, then her nose, before claiming her mouth. I taste the saltiness of tears on her lips, but I’m relieved when Liv throws her hands around my neck and surrenders to my caress.
Our bodies take control, and soon our clothes disappear and we’re tumbling onto the bed. I trail a path of kisses on her collarbone, hooking my hand behind her knee to place her leg over my shoulder. I’m more than ready to plunge all the way into her hot sheath, but I control myself, not wanting to hurt her just in case she’s still sore. I tease her entrance with the head of my cock until she squirms under me, trying to impale herself on me.