by Sue Julsen
Still thinking about the dream, I got up, went into the bathroom and filled the tub with warm water. I remembered Daddy’s hand tightly around the older girl’s hand and then seeing something had squirted out of Daddy’s thing.
Since it didn’t feel like Daddy had done that to me, I sat for a long time not knowing why I felt so dirty. But it had happened to the girl who looked like me, and I knew, deep down, my dream was real.
I’d been saved by an angel.
I remembered I used to hear heavy breathing in Mama and Daddy’s room at night, but when I’d asked Mama about it, she said they were playing a game. I figured what Daddy had made the girl do in my dream was what he’d made Mama do to him.
“But I don’t like this game! It scared me.” Looking down at my hand, I cried. It still hurt. “I hope Daddy doesn’t make me touch it again,” I whispered. “I hope it was just a bad dream.”
Getting out of the tub, I wrapped a towel around me, and went into the other room. I didn’t want to get back into bed. I sat in the chair and heard the voice in my head saying, “I hope Daddy never makes us do that again, but I’m glad you didn’t have to do that to him. I’m here now. I’ll protect you, always.”
The voice sounded soothing and I pictured an angel with long golden hair and soft white wings standing next to me. She had her arms folded around me. She didn’t look like the girl in my dream, but still, I felt safe and warm and fell asleep.
When I woke up, Daddy seemed very happy, puttering around the room. He didn’t say anything about what had happened, or about me sleeping in the chair. He just told me to hurry up and get dressed so we could get on the road and get breakfast soon.
I didn’t know if touching him was right or wrong, but it felt wrong. I searched his face for any sign to help me understand, but he just kept smiling—and whistling—which he hadn’t done in a very long time.
He seemed so happy. I knew Mama wouldn’t have done anything wrong, and since she did it to him, I figured it must’ve been okay. Still, I hoped he wouldn’t make me touch him down there ever again!
“I hope that too, Sarah,” the soothing voice whispered inside my head.
We stopped at a small, out–of–the–way diner for breakfast. I didn’t feel like eating, but not knowing when I’d get to eat again, and not liking that hungry feeling, I forced the food down.
“Hey, kiddo, where’s the appetite this morning?”
I knew I had to say something! Even if Mama had done it, I felt it was wrong for him to make me do it. I looked into his face and thought, with his good mood, maybe now might be the best time.
“Please, Daddy, don’t get mad, but…but, what you did last night…uh…was it…you know…okay?”
“Oh, baby, it was more than okay!” Laughing, he looked at me, and seeing the look of despair on my face, he said, “Of course it was okay, Sarah. Daddy used to do that, and many other things I’ll show you, with your mama. It sure felt good to me.”
“It made me sad, Daddy.” My voice wavered, and I whispered, “I felt…dirty.”
“I’m sorry, baby. I should’ve explained before we did it. That’s how daddies show their little girls how much they’re loved. Next time it’ll be better, you’ll see.” He smiled. “Don’t worry kiddo, daddy won’t do anything to hurt his little angel.” He winked at me, and said, “Now, eat up so we can get going.”
I searched his face again for answers, but saw nothing except happiness. I hoped he was right. I hoped next time I wouldn’t feel sad—or dirty. I also hoped my angel, and the older girl who saved me, would rescue me again next time.
None of my prayers had ever been answered, and I wondered why God hated me.
“God doesn’t hate you, Sarah,” the soft voice whispered. “That’s why He sent me to take care of you. I’ll protect you from all the bad men in the world, I promise. I’ll always be there for you.”
Finishing breakfast, we left the diner, unnoticed.
I felt very tired as Daddy pulled onto the highway. Lying down in the back seat, I pulled my blanket tight around me and fell asleep. I dreamed of playing with Judy, and Mama laughing, and going to the lake with Granddad. Then, I dreamed a wonderful dream of my new friend—my own special guardian angel sent to protect me.
Everything felt good—and right again—at least, in my dreams.
Eight
1956 – Montana
Daddy said he had to show me how much he loved me from time to time, but at least he quit messing with me as much. Still, every time he made me touch him, I had that floating feeling, and I’d hear the angel’s voice whispering to me.
I’d watch from a distance, like a dream, what Daddy made the older girl who looked like me do to him, and then I’d wake up in the chair, sometimes not remembering how I got there, but my hand always hurt.
“That’s because we take over, Sarah. We take the humiliation. Daddy’s been showing us how much he loves us for a very long time, and still, it hurts. He said it wouldn’t if I’d relax and not fight him, and I really try, but his hand around mine is so tight. It feels like my bones are being crushed. It hurts too much to relax. I’m sorry, Sarah.”
I always cried when Daddy told me to get in bed with him, and I’d beg him not to make me touch him, but he ignored me. Sometimes, I wished he didn’t love me so much, but I was always glad to float away and let the older girl take over so I didn’t have to do it to him.
“There are four of us now to protect you, Sarah, and as long as we have any say about it, you’ll never have to do what Daddy makes us do. I promise. Never!” the angel whispered.
I think Daddy started a new hobby to see how many women he could con. But, since he always had to look for another score, we’d stop at lots of food places! Then he’d sweet talk all the waitresses until he found the right one.
When we got ready to leave, we had free food, and Daddy had keys to the home of his pick of the night. Most of the women he selected were really nice and pretty, but some of them didn’t like me. With those, Daddy told them I wouldn’t get in the way.
Just like Daddy said, “Stupid women.”
“Yep, Daddy’s always been smart; a real con-artist,” the angel’s voice whispered.
Daddy said since he was a single dad with a little girl to take care of, it had been easy to make all the stupid women feel sorry for him. I guess it always worked because Daddy had been with so many different women!
We’d stay with a woman for a day or two, sometimes longer, but Daddy always got restless. When he’d say, “So much pussy, just not enough time,” I knew he’d gotten bored, and wanted to move on to the next stupid woman.
He said they tried to possess him, and when they expected him to get a job it was time for us to move on down the road. Daddy didn’t keep a job with Mama, and I knew he wasn’t about to get a job for a stranger! Of course, he didn’t need a job because he had me. I could steal anything we needed.
Daddy was a good teacher.
With some of the women we’d leave early in the morning while it was still dark, and I didn’t know why, but Daddy always seemed nervous when we’d sneak out. Still, he took time to trash the woman’s house before we’d slip out into the shadows of darkness.
I never understood how those women slept through all the noise he made. He turned over furniture, broke lamps, dishes, and anything else he found. I asked him why he did it, but he said I was too young to understand.
Daddy never wanted to be tied down, or to have an unpleasant confrontation with the woman, so when he didn’t want to sneak out, we’d wait until she went to work. She’d leave thinking we’d still be there when she got home, but as soon as she drove away, we packed up and left.
I bet those women were surprised when they came home. Not just because we were gone, but since Daddy was a good thief, and he’d taught me to be a very good thief, we never left a place empty-handed. Since I had to steal anyway, I liked houses better than garages. It was a lot easier, and not nearly as scary.
Sometimes the women left money in a cookie jar or in a dresser drawer, and Daddy said, “If they’re stupid enough to leave it, then we’re smart enough to take it.”
Last night Daddy picked up another woman. Carolyn wasn’t very pretty, but she seemed nice. Kinda tall, but not as tall as Daddy, and she had long, wavy black hair.
Daddy usually sweet-talked all through dinner, but he had Carolyn’s keys before we finished our salads! Of course, I got free ice cream after dinner.
I wished he’d pick women with an extra bedroom. I always had to sleep on the couch. I thought it’d be nice to have a room of my own. Even at my grandparents I slept on a cot, except when Daddy was gone. Then I got to sleep in Mama’s room on a little bed in the corner.
We’d been with Carolyn about a week when Daddy came in and woke me up.
“Sarah, get up! We have to go.”
“Why, Daddy? I thought you liked Carolyn.”
“Don’t argue with me! Get up and let’s get outta here!”
He sounded funny in a scary-sort of way, and his eyes had that strange haunted look I hadn’t seen in a long time. Without another word I went to the bathroom and got dressed. When I came out, he’d wrecked Carolyn’s house just like all the others, except this time Daddy had a big smile on his face.
“Sarah, we hit it big, baby!” Holding up his hand, he held a wad of money. “Over a thousand dollars in a cookie jar, Sarah! No more garages for a long time!”
“Daddy, she might need that money.”
“Trust me, sweetie, she ain’t gonna need a penny! Come on; let’s get outta here before it gets light.”
I wanted to tell Carolyn goodbye, but I knew Daddy wouldn’t let me, so I didn’t even ask. Looking at the big mess in the living room, I just couldn’t understand why he’d destroy the places. The women had been nice to us, and this was how he repaid them?
It was cold in the car, but Daddy was whistling to a song on the radio and didn’t seem to notice the chill. I pulled my blanket tight around me, waiting for the heater, and drifted off to sleep.
When the sun on my face woke me, and the car wasn’t moving, I bolted upright! I expected to see Daddy inside a restaurant, but he’d pulled into an area for big trucks, and was asleep in the front seat.
It had been a long time since I had to trick him to get food, but the fear of it happening again still remained. I wanted to trust Daddy, but I knew I couldn’t. I watched the trucks come and go until Daddy stretched and looked into the back seat.
“Well, good mornin’, sunshine.”
“Morning, Daddy. I gotta go, bad.”
“Yeah, me too.” He got out, opened my door, and we walked hand in hand to the building where the restrooms were. He took me to the ladies’ side, and said, “If you get finished first, stand right here,” he pointed to a spot, “and wait for me.”
When I came out, he stood in that very spot.
“Thought you were gonna stay in there all day.” He grinned. “You hungry?”
“Yep! Starving!”
“Well, let’s blow this Popsicle stand and find a restaurant.” Again we walked hand in hand back to the car. I jumped in and grabbed my blanket.
Daddy drove a long time before he found a café. He pulled into the lot and said, “Guess this dump will have to do. I hope the food’s good.”
It was a small place, but warm and clean, and the food wasn’t bad. I had an omelet and a Coke. Daddy had his usual bacon, eggs, toast and coffee.
He didn’t like the looks of either waitress, and whispered, “These ladies are a little too old for me. We need to get on down the road anyway. Maybe the next place will have a better selection.”
Finishing breakfast, I went to the bathroom, but when I came out Daddy was talking to a younger woman who came in while I was gone. I went back to the table and said, “I’m ready to go, Daddy.”
“Lisa, this is my daughter I told you about. She won’t be in our way tonight.”
The woman peered down her slightly crooked nose with contempt and stared at me. “What ya gonna do with her?” she asked, snootily, then looked at me like I was a cockroach that needed to be stepped on.
“She’ll stay in the car.” Daddy smiled at her, then took my hand and walked me out to our car. I looked up at her overly painted face, and her bleached hair that looked like straw, not knowing why Daddy had picked her.
“I’m gonna go with Lisa for a little while, so you be good.” Smiling, he closed my door. I felt sad as I watched him get into her red car and drive away. When it got dark and he still hadn’t returned, I lay down to wait, holding my blanket tight, and fell asleep.
At the crack of dawn he came back, waking me up when he climbed in the car. I sat up, looked out the window, but I didn’t see the woman’s red car. Daddy, however, looked exhausted, and beads of sweat rolled down his forehead.
“Are you okay, Daddy? Are you sick?”
“I’m fine, Sarah, but we need to get outta here. We need to go to another state.”
Daddy seemed agitated, and his voice was filled with tension. Not wanting him to get mad at me, I lay down and didn’t ask any more questions. He drove out of the restaurant parking lot, and never looked back. He also never mentioned Lisa or what had happened to put him in a bad mood.
It was some time before he looked back at me, and the look in his eyes made a chill run down my spine. His eyes seemed haunted by an inner anxiety, and I tried to be invisible. I didn’t know what to expect next, but fear built inside me like never before, and a dull, empty ache gnawed at my stomach.
I wanted to make things better, but I didn’t know what to do. I felt so sorry for Daddy. Something bad must’ve happened. If only he’d talk to me; tell me what to do to make the hurt go away.
“I love you so much, Daddy. Please be happy again. Please!” I whispered.
Nine
1956 – Wyoming
“Sarah, did I ever tell you I have a brother?”
“No, Daddy. What’s his name?”
“Frank. And, he lives here in Wyoming.”
“Wyoming? Weren’t we here before, Daddy?”
“Yes, we were. We’ve been back and forth between Wyoming, Kansas, and Oklahoma several times in the last two years.”
“Why, Daddy?”
“Well, just in case…Sarah, you wouldn’t understand. It’s complicated.”
“Oh. Why didn’t we see your brother last time?”
“He wasn’t home last time, but I called a few days ago to let him know we’d be in town. We’re gonna stay with him for a while. He has three boys, so you’ll have someone to play with.”
“Will I have my own room?”
“I haven’t seen him in years, Sarah. I don’t know if he has a big house or not, but we’ll be there in a few minutes, so you’ll find out then.”
I sat up tall to see out the window.
“There it is, Sarah! And there’s my brother in the yard!” His voice instantly filled with excitement.
“He looks like you, Daddy!”
Pulling into the driveway, he looked back at me and grinned. “We’re twins. That’s why he looks like me.”
“Wow! That’s neat, Daddy!”
Frank ran up to the car, and yelled, “Hey, motherfucker! ‘Bout time you got your ass here! How long has it been?”
Daddy got out and grabbed his brother around the neck like a wrestler. “It’s been sixteen years, little brother. Bet you thought I fell off the face of the earth!”
I watched them wrestling around, and waited.
“So, cocksucker, what the hell you been up to all these years?”
“Oh, just workin’ to pay for this house, and raisin’ three young ‘uns. Come on, let me introduce ‘em.”
“Hang on a minute, Frank. My daughter’s with me.”
“Well, get her out here!”
Daddy opened my door, grinning. “Come on, Sarah. Meet your Uncle Frank.”
Climbing out, I looked up into a face exactly like Daddy
’s—same dirty little grin; same piercing, cold-as-steel eyes—same raspy chuckle…with a sudden stab of anxiety in my gut, I muttered, “Hello, sir.”
He reached down, grabbed my arms, and swung me up in the air before landing me on his shoulders. “Such a polite little thing, Eli. And very pretty, if ya know what I mean.” Frank guffawed, arching his eyebrows. “You remember Ellie, don’t ya?”
“Now how could I forget sweet little Ellie?” He grinned. “You haven’t changed a bit, Frank. You’re still the same dirty-minded bastard as always. And yes, I know what you mean. Sarah won’t disappoint you. I’ve trained her well.”
“I can hardly wait!” Frank’s face broke into a big grin. “And, you won’t be disappointed either. Ellie’s finally trained after all these years! She has a little more meat on her bones now, but she’s still pretty damn good in the sack. Come on in, want ya to meet my boys.”
At the front door Frank swung me down off his shoulders, and smiled very big. “We’re gonna be best of friends, my pretty little one.”
I smiled up at him, hoping that didn’t mean what it sounded like, and the angel’s voice whispered, “But, he does have the same smile as Daddy when he’s planning to have his way with us. Please, God, please hear us! We don’t want to service him, too. Please, help us!”
Frank flung open the front door, and yelled, “Ellie, get your flabby ass out here, woman! Eli and his pretty little daughter are here!”
Before I knew it, he turned, picked me up by my butt, and landed a wet, slobbery kiss on my lips, flicking his tongue in and out of my mouth.
“Oh yes, Eli. I can tell I won’t be disappointed!” He swung me down to the floor, then yelled again. “ELLIE! Get the hell out here, woman! NOW!”
“Yes, Frank. I’m sorry I kept you waiting. I had to add water to the roast. Please forgive me.”
A meek, homely-looking woman, with stringy black hair, wringing her hands, stood before us. She looked terrified!
“There’s no doubt who’s the fuckin’ boss here!” a voice stated, shocking me. Her voice sounded angry. Nothing like my angel’s voice.
“Just don’t let it happen again, you homely waif! Say hello to Eli, and this,” he smiled at me, “is Sarah. Isn’t she beautiful?” Looking me up and down, he ran his tongue over his lips.