BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival

by Sue Julsen

  “Yes, Frank. She’s beautiful.” Ellie smiled, then also looked me up and down before turning to Daddy. “Hello, Eli. It’s been a long time. Dinner will be ready in an hour or so. I hope you’re hungry.”

  “Hello, Ellie. And yes, we’re starved. We haven’t had anything since early yesterday mornin’.”

  “Where are the boys?” Frank snapped.

  “Mitch is upstairs. Greg and Ron are in the backyard.”

  “Well, don’t just stand there, woman! Go get ‘em!” Frank smirked, then turned to Daddy, and said, “I swear, you can’t find ‘em any dumber, but she’s a good cook, and still a decent enough lay.”

  Both men laughed.

  “Guess that’s all that’s important, brother. Especially the lay part!” Daddy made a humping gesture with his hips.

  “You wanted to see us, Dad?” the tallest of the three boys asked, entering the room.

  “Ah, yes! Eli, Sarah, these are my boys. The good-lookin’ short one here is my youngest, Mitch. He’s eight. The tall good-lookin’ one is Greg. He’s ten. And the other good-lookin’ one, my oldest, is Ron. Just turned fifteen last week. Good lookin’ bunch, aren’t they, Eli?” Frank bragged.

  Daddy nodded as the boys said in unison, “Hello.”

  “Yep, good lookin’ boys, Frank, and Ellie, well, I guess she’ll have to do.”

  They laughed again.

  “You boys take Sarah upstairs and show her where to put her things,” Frank said to his sons. “Eli and I have a lot to catch up on.”

  “Yes, sir. Come on, kid.” Ron headed toward the stairs with me and his brothers closely following behind. He took me to a small room at the end of the hall. “You’ll sleep here,” he said, dryly.

  “When you get your stuff put away, come downstairs and we’ll play a game. We’ll be out back in the tent,” Greg stated, then smirked.

  “Okay! It won’t take me long. I don’t have much.”

  They ran out, and I looked around the room. A twin bed, a nightstand, and a lamp were in the corner against the wall to the left of the door. An old dresser leaned against the wall on the right, and the other wall had a small closet. One crooked picture of an old house and some trees hung on the wall above the dresser.

  “It sure is plain,” I whispered. “Not decorated the way I expected, or hoped. But, I don’t need much room, or fancy curtains. I’m just glad to have a room all to myself!”

  I hurried to unpack the small red suitcase I’d lifted from someone’s garage several months back. I laid my nightgown across the bed, then put my one pair of extra underwear and my other dress, also lifted from someone’s garage, in the bottom drawer of the dresser.

  After setting my suitcase inside the closet, I ran down the stairs and out the back door to find the boys. I never had anyone to play with, so I was very excited! I saw a big camping tent at the far side of the yard, and ran toward it.

  I heard the boys inside, but I couldn’t understand their words. Then Greg stuck his head out the door and whispered, “Come on in, Sarah. We’ve been waiting for you.”

  “You have?” My eyes widened, and excitement boiled over inside me.

  “Sure, we need you to team up with Ron and I’ll team up with Mitch.”

  “Okay! What are we gonna play?” I entered the tent. “Hey, I can’t see. Don’t you have a light?”

  “Sure, we have a lantern,” Ron answered, and turned up the flame.

  As my eyes adjusted to the dim light I saw the boys were naked. Instantly, I heard the soft angel voice, say, “Go to safety, Sarah. We’ll protect you.”

  I’d been hearing my angel’s voice for a long time, and I’d learned to listen to her. I didn’t know who the other voice was that I’d heard when we first arrived, but I trusted my angel to take care of me, just like she’d always done since that first time Daddy made me get in bed with him.

  Gladly, I drifted away, and from my safe place I watched as Polly, just a few years older than me, emerged. Polly also looked like me, and acted just as shy.

  “I think I’ll just go back to my room,” Polly said, bashfully, taking a step backwards.

  “No, Sarah! You have to take your clothes off so we can play the game.” Mitch shook his pecker in his hand and grinned.

  “I don’t wanna play!” She turned to leave, but Ron grabbed her arm.

  “Sarah, you have to play. If you don’t, I’ll break your arms.” Ron grabbed both of her arms and tightened his grip so much I thought for sure her bones would crumble.

  “Okay!” she cried. “Let go of me!”

  “Get your clothes off and sit by me,” Ron ordered.

  Polly thought of running out the door, but Greg must’ve read her thoughts and stepped in front of her exit to freedom.

  “Ron, please let me go!” she begged. “I don’t wanna play. I just wanna go to my room.”

  Grabbing her, he squeezed her arms again. “You have to play!” He glared at her for a long moment, then through clinched teeth, said, “Or else….” He squeezed her frail, thin arms tighter than before.

  She looked from boy to boy.

  Greg and Mitch stood in front of the doorway to freedom with big shit-eatin’ grins. Ron, only a head taller than Greg, looked mean as his eyes narrowed with disdain, and the muscle in his right jaw twitched.

  A sickening wave of terror came over her as she watched Ron open and close his fists with such fury it made her skin crawl. She tried to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat, but seeing she had no other choice, she removed her dress, then took a step toward Ron, and sarcastically asked, “What are we playing?”

  Mitch answered, “We’re playing suck it, baby and whoever makes it shoot first gets a special prize!”

  “Yep! You do me, and Greg does Mitch. Now get over here! On your knees,” Ron ordered.

  Polly held her ground. She felt if she took another step her knees would buckle, but also out of disgust and defiance, she stood still, glaring at each of her soon-to-be abusers.

  Her heart pounded.

  “I said get over here!” Ron’s face grew hot with impatience. “Believe me; I’ll break you in half, kid!”

  Terror swept over her, but then she felt that floating feeling like I always got with Daddy and Polly drifted away letting another girl a few years older, emerge. She also looked like an older me, but unlike Ann and Polly, this one looked mean.

  She reluctantly moved closer and knelt down in front of Ron. He grabbed the back of her head, and forced her closer to him, laughing.

  Daddy had taught my protectors how to do what Ron demanded, but he’d never been rough with them like Ron.

  She whispered, “This is what we fuckin’ got excited about!”

  I recognized her voice from hearing her talking earlier, but I didn’t know her name. Her face hardened as she glared at Ron with a scorching look.

  “God, is Sarah right? Don’t You care about us? Why won’t You help Jean? Help us? Please, make him stop!” Polly whispered.

  They thought only grown-ups could be so cruel, but evidently, they’d been wrong. If they’d only known the boys were going to make me do these perverted acts, they never would’ve allowed me to go into the tent.

  Jean knew her only purpose of being born was to help the others protect me from all the scumbag men we crossed paths with, but she didn’t know that would include adolescent creeps, too. In order to get through the abuse, she disconnected her thoughts from what Ron was making her do.

  When it was finally over Mitch and Greg sat laughing, and Ron fell back on the cot, laughing. Jean felt humiliated and ashamed, and tried to leave the tent.

  With a smirk, Ron grabbed her wrist. “Oh no, you don’t! You won the prize, kid. Now you have to do my brothers.”

  “Yeah! Me first!” Greg moved forward.

  “I just wanna go to my room!” Jean pleaded and tried to pull away, but again, Ron tightened his grasp until she felt he’d crush her bones.

  “I’ll break it, kid. Believe me—
I will break it if you don’t do as I say.”

  Jean didn’t move.

  I watched in fear as she stood and stared at her attackers. I, as well as my protectors, hated the boys, and what the perverts were making her do, but what choice did she have? If she didn’t do as told, we truly believed Ron would break my arms. Then he’d say it was an accident. He’d say I’d fallen down and broken my arms all by myself.

  “Get over here!” Greg ordered, hoarsely. “It’s my turn.”

  Jean looked so frightened, but she still stood her ground.

  Ron bolted up from the cot, grabbed the back of her neck, roughly positioned her in front of Greg, then whispered something to Mitch.

  “Yeah, man! I’d like to do that!”

  “Put your rear up in the air, kid. Mitch is gonna give you a little surprise.”

  “What’s he gonna do?” Jean demanded, trying to pull away from Greg and his dirty appendage that dangled in front of her.

  “Don’t worry kiddo, we have Vaseline, and Mitch only has a little one.” Ron laughed, then added, “Don’t fight me, kid, or I’ll have to give you my big one instead! So, what’s it gonna be? Little Mitch, or me?”

  “Please, Ron, please don’t! Don’t do this! Please let me go!” Jean pleaded, but Ron just laughed and told Mitch to put some Vaseline on himself so it would slide easier.

  “Scottie, help her! Please!” Polly screamed in terror.

  “Aye, I’m here, Polly. I won’t let them hurt her. I promise.”

  Ron’s sickening laughter rang in Jean’s ears—then silence and that floating feeling took her away to safety. I watched Scottie, a sweet-looking teenage boy with a feminine face who looked a lot like an older me, but with a slightly deeper voice, emerge.

  Daddy hadn’t shown him what the boys had in mind, and even though Scottie was gay, he didn’t like the sound of what they wanted to do. He tried to pull away, but Ron held him, and Scottie began to float…

  “Okay, boys. You asked for it!” Ann stated harshly.

  I’d never heard Ann speak in a voice other than her soft, comforting tone, but I knew she’d taken all the abuse she could bear from the little monsters. Until the other girls and Scottie came along, Ann had always protected me. Now she knew she had to protect the others as well.

  The next thing Mitch knew, he was tumbling backwards. Ann had spun around so quickly it knocked Mitch on his ass! He started to get up, but her foot connected with the side of his head, knocking him right back down.

  Although Ann didn’t use strong language like Jean, in this case, she felt it was needed, and spoke through clinched teeth. “You fuckin’ little bastards! Don’t even think of doing this, or I’ll kill all three of you fuckers while you sleep. Don’t think I won’t!”

  Her voice sounded as cold as death.

  “Hey, what the fuck’s goin’ on?” Ron jumped back, reflexively.

  Mitch remained where he’d fallen; his face glazed with shock.

  Greg stood as if shot, just waiting to fall on his face.

  Her expression had changed right in front of them to a girl much older; much wiser, and her murderous eyes blazed as she assumed a posture of superiority before speaking again.

  “I’m not gonna tell you fuckers this again. I will kill all of you. I don’t like what’s going on here one little bit! Sucking is one thing, but I will not let you do anything else! Do I make myself clear?” The boys nodded, and Ann collapsed, hitting her stomach on the edge of the cot’s metal frame.

  The boys looked at each other, each with their own expression of shock.

  “Fuck! What just happened?” Mitch asked, finding his voice again.

  “Shit, man! I don’t have a fuckin’ clue!” Ron looked down at the lifeless, crumpled form of their victim lying in the dirt, unconscious, at his feet.

  “Her voice! It didn’t sound like Sarah! Whoever—whatever that was—” Greg couldn’t find the words needed to finish his sentence.

  “Yeah, she sounded—mean! She sounded as old as Mom!” Mitch blurted out. “And her eyes! Did you see the look in her eyes!?”

  “Is…is she…dead?” Greg whispered, looking at his brothers.

  I never knew exactly where I went to watch after I drifted away, but when I returned it sounded like the boys thought I must’ve passed out. All three boys were sitting around me whispering when I heard Ron say, “Of course she’s not dead, stupid! See, she’s moving.”

  “Come on, kids! Time for dinner!” Ellie yelled.

  I tried to sit up, but a white-faced Ron grabbed the back of my neck. His voice, shaky, said, “Don’t think about telling anyone what you did, or I’ll sneak into your room and slit your throat from ear to ear. Understand?”

  Trembling, I nodded. I felt weak all over. Lying on the ground, I felt sick.

  “Hurry up and get dressed so we can eat!” Ron glared at me a long moment, then added, “And, remember kid, I will slit your throat if you tell.”

  I’d watched everything that had happened with my protectors, and Ron’s voice didn’t sound threatening at all. He even sounded scared! At the door of the tent he stopped to look back at me. Some of the color had returned to his face, but his eyes still held an eerie, almost ghostly look. Without another word he ran out of the tent following his brothers, leaving me alone to get dressed.

  It felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach; I hurt all over. I didn’t want to move, but I also didn’t want anyone to see me like I’d been left. I tried to stand, but my legs collapsed. I fell to the ground, and cried.

  When I could stand, I dressed, then hobbled, little by little, toward the house. My stomach really hurt. I hoped to get past everyone, unseen, and to my room, but Daddy saw me come in the door.

  “Sarah!” he exclaimed. “What in the world happened?”

  Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ron put his hand to his neck and make like a cutting motion. “Nothing, Daddy. I fell down, that’s all. I’ll be okay when I get cleaned up.”

  “You sure, baby? Do you want some help?”

  “No! No, I’m fine, but I just wanna go to sleep. I’m not hungry.”

  “You haven’t eaten since yesterday, Sarah. You sure you don’t want to get cleaned up, then come back down for dinner?”

  “I’m sure, Daddy. Can I go to my room? Please?” My voice and my eyes pleaded with him.

  “Okay. If that’s what you want. I’ll check on you later.” When Daddy finished talking to me he went back to the living room, leaving me to hobble up the steps alone.

  While Daddy had been talking to me, Uncle Frank talked to his oldest son, and from Frank’s expression, he seemed shocked at the state I’d returned in. I could tell he was questioning Ron about what happened.

  “…only what you’d do, Dad,” Ron whispered just loud enough for me to hear.

  However, I didn’t hear him tell about the scare they’d had, or what had happened to cause that scare.

  “All three of you!?” Frank blurted out in alarm.

  I moved slowly up the stairs so I could hear what else was being said.

  “Well, yeah. We all got our rocks off,” he lied. “I got off twice.” Another lie.

  “That’s my boy! I’m proud of ya, kid. But next time, wait ‘til I get my chance with the little whore first. I’ll have to wait days before I can stick it to her.”

  “Sorry, Dad. I guess we got carried away, but we didn’t stick it to her.”

  “You didn’t? She looks like a truck ran over her! What did you do?”

  “Nothing really, but she sucks good! That’s all we did, Dad. Honest!” Ron forced a smile. “She did fall down in the tent. I think she hit her gut on the frame of the cot, but we didn’t hurt her!”

  “Well, I’m glad of that!” He scratched his chin; then his ass. “I guess I can get a good suckin’ from her. Don’t have to bone her tonight since your Mom gave me a good ‘un last night,” Frank said with a roguish grin, then headed toward the living room.

  “Go for it Dad!
” Ron yelled out as his dad vanished around the corner. He looked at his brothers, and a big grin crossed his lips. Then he laughed. “Don’t worry, he won’t be asking anymore questions. We won’t have to tell anything else that happened out there,” Ron told them.

  “Besides, how can we explain what we saw, or heard, Ron?” Greg exclaimed. “No one would believe us anyway!”

  After getting cleaned up, I sat at the top of the stairs, watching, and listening.

  Uncle Frank kept reaching under the table, Ellie didn’t say much at all, and the boys remained very quiet. Daddy did most of the talking, bragging about all the women he’d swindled during the last several years, and of course, he bragged about me.

  “She’s only five years old, but she’s a good ‘un. I’ve trained her well these last few years. The best thing I did for Sarah, and for me, was to leave her mother. Frankie, you can be proud of your big brother.”

  Daddy was only ten minutes older than Uncle Frank, and they acted like they’d been cut from the same disgusting cloth. They both had the same dirty mind and lived to swindle, and hurt, everyone they could.

  Daddy continued, “I snuck into the house after the old folks went to sleep and took her right from under their noses! They never suspected a thing!”

  “Sounds like I taught you well, Eli.”

  “That you did, Frankie. That you did. And, I never forgot anything you told me. I passed a lot of that training on to Sarah. She’s as good a thief as you ever were! If it hadn’t been for her stealing from garages and from those stupid women, we wouldn’t be here with you right now.”

  “Tell me, Eli, how old was she when you first gave her the bone?”

  “Frank!” Ellie sat upright, flabbergasted at her husband. “How could you? She’s just a little girl!”

  “Shut up, woman! The men are talking!” Frank glared at her with a shut-your-mouth-look that I knew very well. Daddy had given me the same look many times.

  “Frank, she’s my daughter, and I’ll tell you right now, she’s too young for fuckin’, so get that outta your head! When she’s older I’ll show her that, but for now, she can beat it or suck it, but that’s it! You got that?” His eyes blazed.