by Kate Lattey
“Jay? Hi honey. You okay? How’s the pony?” The questions come rapid fire and I inhale quickly and do my best to answer.
“Okay, I think,” I tell her. “Her mouth was bleeding a bit but I think it’s stopped. She’s not lame. How’s Alec?”
“He’s gonna be okay,” she reassures me. “Concussion, he’s busted his knee and shoulder, needs stitches in his face and they think he might’ve fractured his jaw.” I reel at the long list of injuries, amazed that she can describe that as “okay.” She goes on. “Liam’s on his way to pick you up. Can you get the ponies ready to go? Whack their covers on them, then you can just throw them out into the paddock. Liam will drop you at your place after. I’ve gotta go. Thanks hon.”
She hangs up and I stand still and shocked, listening to the beeping tone in my ear. How quickly things can change. Less than an hour ago I’d been happy and content, flushed with Finn’s first success. Nothing ever stays good for long.
I drag out the ponies’ rugs and put them on, mixing up Lucky’s and Trixie’s and having to re-do them. I fumble with Dolly’s bandages, my hands still shaking slightly, my fingers all thumbs. I finally get them on but they are all lumpy and awful-looking. I just hope they’ll stay on until we get home. I fasten Finn’s travelling boots, then sit numbly on the ramp as cars and trucks pull out around me and drive away into the night.
I hear my name called and look up to see Claudia riding up to me on her dun pony.
“Do you know if Alec’s all right?”
I fill her in quickly on the details and she winces sympathetically.
“Damn. I hope he’s gonna recover all right. Knee injuries are awful. I busted mine up last year playing hockey, and it’s taken until now to come right. Still, I don’t imagine anything will keep Alec out for long.”
We both turn as a girl on a jittery black pony trots past us, a bright red ribbon around its neck. “Claud, you better get back to your truck. Your mum’s losing the plot, and she said to remind you that you’ve got a six hour drive and school in the morning.”
Claudia rolls her eyes. “Tell her I’ll call in sick,” she replies, and the girl laughs. Sighing, she turns Pickles towards their truck. “I better get going. Last year when I didn’t get back to the truck on time, she left the show grounds without me and I had to hitch a ride home with some friends. Tell Alec I hope he gets well soon.”
“Yeah, will do,” I assure her as she trots away on her well-schooled, obliging pony.
Sometimes I think I should’ve bought a schoolmaster. A pony that knows it all that I could be successful on. I don’t know enough to train my pony on my own, and I’m getting tired of muddling through. I turn to look at Finn, who is finally tucking into her haynet. She shakes her pretty head, forelock fluttering around her ears, and I smile despite my misery. Then again, where’s the joy in success if you know that someone else has done the hard work for you? Finn has already improved immensely, I remind myself, especially with Abby’s advice yesterday. I’m excited to see how far Finn and I can go together. All the way, I tell myself. All the way to Pony Grand Prix.
There are only three other vehicles left on the grounds and it’s almost pitch black by the time a 4WD pulls up, and Liam gets out. I get stiffly to my feet as Liam thanks whoever the driver is, and slams the vehicle’s door. He walks over to me and abruptly asks if the ponies are ready to go. I manage to mutter an affirmative reply, and without further ado he unties Jess and walks her up the ramp. Lucky goes in next, then Finn and Trixie, and little Dolly squashed up against the door. We throw the ramp up, check the side doors and climb into the cab. Only the tinny music crackling through the radio speakers breaks the heavy silence as I relive Alec’s accident over and over in my head.
“What happened?” Liam asks suddenly, his voice expressionless.
I glance over at him, but he’s staring straight ahead, eyes on the road, hands clenching the wheel. I can never tell what he’s thinking, but he always seems angry to me. I stammer out an explanation, trying to emphasise that it wasn’t Alec’s fault, that it just happened because Jess was playing up. I don’t want his Dad thinking that Alec’s not a good rider. He doesn’t seem to have that high of an opinion of his son as it is. I finish, my words trailing off, and Liam just nods and keeps driving in silence. The heater puffs warm air out onto my face and ankles, and the cab gradually warms up. I feel my eyelids drooping, despite the tension of the night, and I curl up onto the seat and rest my head against the door, closing my eyes for just a moment.
I get bumped awake as we drive up to the woolshed and Liam parks the truck. I scramble stiffly out of the cab, my body tired and aching, and we start unloading the ponies. Dolly and Trixie are first off the truck, and Liam tells me to put them in the house paddock. I remove Dolly’s bandages with bumbling hands then lead them through the gate and release them. I pause for a moment to watch as they race off across the paddock, glad to stretch their legs and to escape the strange melancholy of the humans. When I return I find Finn and Lucky tied to the side of the truck. I take off Finn’s travelling boots and untie Lucky’s leadrope.
“Take these two down to the creek paddock.”
Liam’s voice sounds harsher than usual, and I’m quick to take the opportunity to get away from him. I lead the ponies behind the house as he heads back into the truck to bring Jess out. I manoeuvre the ponies through the first gate into the hill paddock, glancing back up at Liam who is now standing next to Jess, probably checking her over for injuries. I hope she’s okay. Alec loves that pony, and this accident won’t do anything to make him doubt her. Probably it will only make his resolve stronger to take her out and show everyone what she can do. He’s far braver than I’ll ever be, I realise. I just don’t have the guts to ride a pony like that. Finn might be a bit wilful and silly, but she’s not insane!
Exhausted, I trudge through the coming darkness, the feel of the ponies’ leadropes solid and reassuring in my cold hands. I keep slipping as I struggle down the steep slope, the cold dew on the knee-high grass soaking through my jeans.
Finally I reach the creek paddock and pull open the bent gate with some difficulty. It has dropped off its hinges yet again, and I make a note to tell Alec that his solution of reinforcing it with loops of baling twine has, unsurprisingly, not worked. The ponies bully each other through, and I release Lucky before saying goodnight to Finn.
“You were a good girl,” I tell her, reminding myself of how well things went today before the disaster.
She jibs restlessly, wanting to be released to stuff her face with grass as Lucky is now doing. I unbuckle her halter and have just slipped it off her head when a loud crack rings out over the hills. The ponies spook wildly and bolt, disappearing into the trees down by the creek as I spin around, trying to place the sound. Then I realise what it was – a gunshot.
I’m standing stock still, my heart pounding heavily inside my chest when the second shot rips through the cold night air. There is no room left for doubt or disbelief now. Everything around me goes suddenly silent, even the cicadas in the trees pausing in their incessant whirring, momentarily stunned into stillness. For a long moment I hear nothing at all, but stand frozen in a silent grey world.
My knees start to shake and I feel horribly ill, but I finally stumble into action and haul the gate shut behind me. I run back up to the yard as fast as I can, but my breath is coming tight in my lungs and my frozen, cramped legs struggle to get up the hill. Jess must have been hurt, so badly hurt that he’d had no choice but to end her life. I can’t believe I could’ve overlooked an injury that severe, but the alternative, the only other possibility, is so sickening that I can’t begin to process it.
I come to a gasping halt at the top of the rise. The horse truck is still parked in the driveway, but Jess is nowhere in sight. I drag the gate shut behind me and run across the yard, staring wildly about. Liam is coming around from the tractor yard behind the woolshed, and he grabs my shoulder as I pass him. He is calm, unruffled.
“Where are you going?”
“Where's Jess?” I stare up at him as the moonlight softly glints off the barrel of the rifle slung over his shoulder, hearing the panic and desperation in my voice. “What was wrong with her? I thought she was all right, she didn’t seem hurt…”
“She nearly bloody killed him,” he spits out angrily. “What would you have me do? Sit around and wait for her to finish him off? I don't think so.” His hands are shaking as he pushes me away. “Get in the car, I'll give you a ride home.”
He walks off and I stand and stare after him, unable to comprehend the impossible idea that he could have just killed a pony…just because he felt like it.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I close my eyes and lean my head against the hard seat, blocking out my surroundings, forcing my thoughts back to events earlier today and trying to focus on how well Finn had jumped. It seems like days ago.
Liam turns the radio up loud, and the tinny sound of a harmonica pours out of the speakers, hitting me straight in the gut. I know this song. Mum loved Bob Dylan, and this was one of her favourites. Liam turns the volume up still louder as the song fills the vehicle’s cramped interior.
“Twas in another lifetime, one of toil and blood…”
Strange how you can hear a song so many times and it never really means anything, until one day it seems like it was written just for you. I’m hit with a violent pang of homesickness, so sharp and cold that it hurts. I tuck my legs up to my chin, turning my head to the window to hide my tears. The lyrics burn in my ears, every line speaking to me and reminding me of everything I’ve lost.
“Try imagining a place where it’s always safe and warm,
Come in, she said, I’ll give you shelter from the storm.”
I feel tears prick in my eyes, and I stare out the window into the blackness of night. I miss my mum so much. We didn’t always see eye to eye, and we had our share of fights, but for years it was just the two of us and I always knew that I was the most important person in her life. Any problems that I had, any struggles I was going through or thrills of success were shared with her. She was always there for me, even when she got sick and I had to go home to an empty house after school each day. I would visit her in the hospital and tell her the most intimate, boring details of my day, about my friends and my pony and what I’d done in school. And she would listen to it all as though I were telling her a wonderful story. All my life I’ve had someone who cared, and now I feel as though nobody even notices me, let alone bothers themselves with how I’m feeling. And here I am in a foreign country, trying to build a new life when I don’t even know what kind of life I want or who I want to be.
“And the one-eyed undertaker, he blows a futile horn,
Come in, she said, I’ll give you shelter from the storm.”
It sickens me to think about how Alec will react when he finds out what his father did, and how powerless he is to change it. Just as I can’t go back in time and make Mum well again, now he will never have his chance to prove to everyone what Jess could have done. I can’t even stand to look at Liam, so calmly driving me home, having just taken an innocent life as though it was totally insignificant. It probably was, to him. I don’t understand how people can be so ruthless and mean. I feel like a small child, floating through existence with no real comprehension of the world around me.
“I offered up my innocence and got repaid with scorn,
Come in, she said, I’ll give you shelter from the storm.”
Liam pulls up outside the house and I jump out of the car without a word, slamming the door behind me as hard as I can. I run across the overgrown lawn and throw open the front door. Dad’s reading a book in the living room.
“Hello. Did Finn jump well today?” he asks wearily, leaning back in his easy chair and rubbing his eyes behind his ugly reading glasses.
“Yeah.” Part of me is desperate to talk to him, to anyone, but a larger part of me can’t face the idea. To talk about it would be to admit that it all really happened, that Alec is in hospital, that Jess is dead, and that I stood by and watched it all happen. “I’m exhausted, I’m going to bed. Night Dad.”
“Night,” he murmurs, turning back to his book. Chewy looks at me idly from his rug, then flops his head back down and closes his eyes. I walk numbly upstairs, feeling intensely alone. I drop onto my bed fully clothed and bury my head in the pillow.
And the tears come, thick and fast and without any sign of stopping.
* * *
The holidays are ruined now. I sit inside for most of the day on Monday, unable to face going to the farm in case I run into Liam. Pip has come home for a short holiday, so I send her a text message asking her to see to Finn for me, telling her that I’m not feeling well. I’m sure she sees right through me, but she pretends to believe my excuse.
Sure thing. Sorry about what happened last night. Hope you feel better soon.
I summon up my courage and reply, thanking her and asking after Alec, wondering how many more injuries they’ve found since last night.
He’s ok, not his first concussion! 10 stitches in his face, says it makes him look like a pirate. Pulled ligament in his knee, shoulder just bruised, nothing broken.
I spend the morning writing a long email to Becky, then try and get Tegan to convince her mum to let Finn come graze at their place for a while. Tegan does her best, but her mother says to tell me that while she’s sorry about what happened, they simply don’t have the space to keep another pony over the winter.
Dad arrives home from work at lunchtime. Bush telegraph has clearly been working overtime, as he comes charging in the door demanding to know why I didn’t tell him last night what had happened.
“I wasn’t in the mood,” I mutter, and his attitude softens.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Dad says, seeming genuine. “That was a hell of a thing for Liam to do. Always knew he was a nutter, but I never thought he’d go that far. Bill McLeod said you can move your pony down to their farm if you like,” he adds.
I frown. Part of me would love to get Finn out of the Harrisons’ excuse for a farmyard and away from Liam, but another part of me hesitates at the thought of running to the McLeods with my tail between my legs, and facing their pity every day. Moving Finn to Tegan’s would have been different – she’s my friend. But to walk out on Pip and Tabby, who’ve always been so nice to me, and on Alec, right now when he’s hurt and probably needs my help looking after his ponies…that just seems wrong. I shake my head, wondering at my own decision.
“I’ll be okay.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah.”
Dad nods slowly. “Well, it’s up to you. Let the twins know if you change your mind.”
I wonder if I’ve made the right choice for a moment, then remind myself that Natalie rides with the twins all the time. I’d rather risk facing Liam Harrison than have to ride with her.
It pours with rain on Tuesday and I spend Wednesday catching up on schoolwork, but by Thursday I’ve run out of excuses not to go down to see Finn. I’m awake early anyway. I haven’t been sleeping properly since the accident. It takes me ages every night to fall asleep, and I toss and turn all night long. I’ve had a few nightmares too, but that’s not all that unusual. Ever since Mum got sick, I’ve had strange and unpleasant dreams that wake me up in the wee small hours of the morning, terrified of something I can barely recall.
I eat a quick bowl of cereal before heading down to the farm, determined to get in and out of there as quickly as possible. My pony is pleased to see me, whinnying when I call her name and coming over to get the carrots she knows are in my pockets. I flick her over with a body brush, not bothering about the mud caked onto her knees and hocks. Leaving her in a yard, I start towards the woolshed to get her tack, but am stopped in my tracks when I look up to see Alec coming towards me. The left side of his face is heavily bandaged and he’s hobbling along on crutches, his left knee in a brace. He meets m
y eyes and smiles gingerly. I stand still, unable to move as he comes towards me, stopping finally right in front of me. I stare for a moment at the gauze on his cheek before dropping my eyes to stare blankly at a hanging thread on his shirt where the button has fallen off. He wears that shirt so often that it’s almost threadbare in places, but it’s a familiar part of the tapestry that is holding my world together.
“Hey.” His voice sounds odd, muffled by the bandage on his face. “How’s it going?”
I shake my head, unable to speak. I keep my eyes still downcast as I struggle to control my emotions, knowing that I’m being ridiculous. He’s the one who should be upset. Stop being such a wimp, I chide myself, and I force my eyes to lift to his face. Up close, I can see the bruises all too clearly. His nose is swollen, his left eye is blackened and there’s a nasty graze down the side of his neck.
There’s something I need to say, but my throat is thick and sore, and it’s hard to force the words out. I take a breath, and force myself to speak.
“I’m sorry.”
He frowns, tilting his head. “For what?”
“For…well, I shouldn’t have left Jess…”
Alec looks away for a moment, then shakes his head and his eyes come back to mine. “It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have stopped him Jay, even if you’d seen it coming. He was determined from the moment he found out about the accident.”
I feel a horrible sinking in my stomach as I realise that I was the one who told Liam what happened, and that I had talked up Jess’s misbehaviour, insisting that it had been her fault, not Alec’s. How could I have been so stupid?
“He was still angry when he told me about it,” Alec continues. “He came to the hospital after he dropped you home that night. I was pretty out of it, but I asked if Jess was okay and he told me that she’s fine now, because she’s got a bullet in her head. Just like that. Mum pitched a fit, of course. She laid right into him, punched him and everything. That made him even angrier.”