Inevitable and Only

  We were supposed to meet Max, Farhan, and Sam at Tamber’s at six o’clock—Dad was going to drop us off. Mom had stayed at school, so she could help set up for the dance. Elizabeth vanished into the bathroom for one of her endless showers at quarter of five, and fifteen minutes later, Raven texted me Running late! Leaving now!

  I hadn’t even seen my dress since Ruby had worked her magic on it. What if I’d gained weight and it didn’t fit anymore? What if she hadn’t had time to sew on all the lace and beads, and I showed up to the Fall Ball in a plain cream-colored dress like a nervous bride? Oh god, what if Farhan thought I was trying to prepare for our wedding day?

  The doorbell rang at 5:09 and I flew down the stairs.

  “Raven Woodbury,” I said, opening the door.

  “Sorry, sorry, sorry.” She pushed past me with a garment bag draped over each arm. “Ruby was putting the finishing touches on yours. Wait till you see it.”

  She laid the bags out side by side on my bed, and I unzipped mine.

  Ruby had transformed the dress completely. Black lace all down the sides framed an hourglass-shaped cream silhouette. The lace was edged with tiny midnight-blue beads that shone iridescent when the fabric moved. And the central panel was crisscrossed by swirls of cream-colored beads that blended in against the fabric but added texture. The dress was a work of art.

  Raven had already stripped down to her underwear and her perfect little red satin B-cup bra, and was standing in front of the mirror with an enormous tote bag full of makeup, combing some sort of product into her curls.

  “Oh, hi.” Elizabeth shut the door quickly behind her, averting her eyes and pulling her baby-blue terry-cloth robe around herself more tightly.

  “Hey!” Raven looked over at her. “Got any hair shimmer?”

  “Any … what?” Elizabeth looked mystified.

  “Never mind, found it,” Raven said, pulling a hot-pink bottle out of her bag.

  “Should I go get dressed in the bathroom?” said Elizabeth.

  “No, no, there’s plenty of room in here for all of us. If that’s okay with you,” I added quickly.

  “Sure.” But I noticed that Elizabeth kept her gaze away from Raven and stepped into her dress with her back to us, practically standing in the closet. “I’ll be right back,” she said. “I left all my makeup in the bathroom.”

  “Makeup before clothes,” Raven lectured me as Elizabeth closed the door behind her. “So you don’t accidentally stain anything.”

  I threw her a T-shirt. “Then put this on, you’re offending Mother Teresa.”

  She looked amused. “Am I?” But she pulled on the shirt.

  I handed Raven my sparkly blue eyeliner and she did cat-eyes for me, her specialty. Then she handed me the black and gray eye shadow and I did smoky eyes for her, my specialty. I sifted through my rainbow lipsticks and found a purple one for me and a classic red one for her.

  Elizabeth came back then, her hair pulled into a ponytail, wearing a little lip gloss. “Okay, I’m ready.”

  “You’re done?” Raven said. “Just like that?”

  Elizabeth nodded. Raven eyed her.

  The blue dress brought out the color of her eyes, and although the cut was modest, it showed off her slim figure. Even pulled back in a simple ponytail, her strawberry-blond hair was gorgeous. She looked like she’d stepped out of the pages of a catalogue. I knew what Raven was thinking, though. She never went out on a date without at least half an hour of prep time (or primp time, as I called it).

  “At least let us do something with your hair,” Raven said finally.

  So Elizabeth sat in front of the vanity while I twisted strands into tiny braids and gathered them back into a half-bun, and then Raven curled the rest into long soft waves while I got dressed. My stomach fluttered a little as Elizabeth zipped up the back of my dress and I stared at myself in the mirror. No B-cups for me. I’d invested in a strapless bra that looked like it could hold a pair of grapefruits just for this occasion. I pressed my hands to my chest and tried to squeeze it into submission.

  “That dress looks incredible, Cadie,” said Raven, from behind me, and Elizabeth murmured her agreement.

  It did. Ruby had outdone herself. The beads glittered when I moved and the pale color set off the brown tone of my skin perfectly. The pink, purple, and blue tips of my hair brushed the top of the dress. “It’s just so low-cut.”

  “That’s called cleavage, my friend,” said Raven. “Some of us have only heard rumors of this legendary blessing.”

  “Affliction, you mean,” I muttered.

  “Oh, please. Farhan won’t be able to take his eyes off you.”

  I’d just zipped Raven into her teal mermaid dress when Dad knocked, then poked his head in. “Girls? Are we ready to—oh. Oh, my.” He adjusted his glasses.

  “Dad, this is not the moment to weep,” I said.

  “I’m not. I’m not. I just—something in my eye.” He blinked rapidly and beamed at us.

  Raven, Elizabeth, and I barefooted it down the stairs, then strapped on our shoes. It felt strange to be getting ready for my first dance in a group of three. It had always been just me and Raven, doing our first everythings together. Our first time going to a concert by ourselves. Our first sleep-away summer camp—two weeks out on the Eastern Shore, learning to rock climb and sea-kayak. Our first airplane ride, even. Ruby and Renata had invited me to come along with the Sisterhood for a weeklong vacation to Kennebunkport, Maine, two summers ago. They even rented a car and drove us up to Acadia National Park for a day trip to pay our respects to my namesake.

  “Pictures,” I reminded everyone. “Ruby will kill me if I don’t get pictures of this dress for her.” So Raven pulled out her phone and Dad lined us up in front of the piano and took photos. Then he made us wait while he got out his digital camera, which he barely ever used, and took more photos.

  “Dad, we can take pictures once we get to the restaurant. And they’re going to have a photographer at the dance, too.” My stomach was rumbling, and not with hunger. This wasn’t just my first dance—it was my first date, too. And Farhan, my one true love, was about to see me in the most beautiful dress I’d ever worn.

  I felt like throwing up.

  As it turned out, though, dinner was less terrifying than I’d thought it would be. Max and Raven were so relaxed around each other, it made sitting across from Farhan seem almost normal. The boys were all wearing suits, but they acted just like their usual selves. Boys. They made everything look simple.

  I barely ate anything, I was so worried about spilling food on my dress in front of Farhan. I don’t remember what we talked about—mostly the boys talked, while our side of the table gazed lovingly (Raven) or stared down at our plates (me and Elizabeth). Afterward, we all piled into Sam’s SUV. Mom and Dad had agreed, reluctantly, to let us ride to the dance with him, as long as Mom brought us home at the end of the night. Elizabeth didn’t argue—in fact, she seemed relieved. I couldn’t figure it out. Half the girls in the high school would’ve traded places with her to be Sam’s date, and yet she seemed eager to spend as little time as possible with him.

  When we arrived at the dance, we paused and smiled for the photographer on the steps leading up to the gym, and then Farhan took my arm and steered me inside. A disco ball spun slowly on the ceiling, throwing bits of light like confetti all around the room. Long tables full of desserts and drinks lined the back wall, and chairs were clustered around small round tables at the other end of the room.

  The six of us stood in an awkward circle and bobbed our heads for a few songs. Then DJ Derry shifted into something slower, and Max and Raven split off to dance by themselves.

  Elizabeth said she was going to the bathroom, so Sam wandered over to the dessert table. Which left me and Farhan by ourselves.

  We escaped to one of the small tables, where I saw Micayla and Troy sitting with Heron and her date, a senior named Aimee. They had covered the table with an assortment of petits fours, fruit tart
s, and cupcakes, and were ranking all the desserts on a complicated chart scribbled on the paper tablecloth.

  That took up about twenty minutes or so. Then a guy I didn’t know came over and asked Micayla to dance, and Tori Lopez asked Troy to dance. Another slow song came on, and Heron and Aimee got up, too. Suddenly I was terrified that someone else was going to come ask Farhan for a dance if I didn’t do it.

  “Well, guess we should dance,” I managed. Ten points, Cadie, for making it sound like a chore to dance with your one true love.

  He nodded and we got up, moved toward the dance floor. He put one hand on my waist. I let the fingertips of my left hand brush his shoulder. He took my right hand with his left. We swayed back and forth. I was sure he could see my heart pounding, exposed as my chest was. Oh god. Was he looking at my chest? I sneaked a peek at his eyes, but he seemed to be looking over my shoulder. Probably making sure we weren’t going to crash into another couple. Good. Except no one was really moving very much. It seemed that slow dancing was more like slow standing.

  “Cadie,” he said, bringing his face closer to mine. Any breath remaining in my body went whoosh, vacuumed out as if I’d just taken a volleyball to the sternum. The music faded out as my ears started ringing, a telltale sign that my face was turning the color of a Hawaiian sunset.

  I tried looking into his eyes again. His dark hair fell low over his eyebrows, those thick eyelashes batting nervously. Could he possibly be as nervous as I was?

  His face was so close.

  I closed my eyes and tried to remember all of Raven’s advice. Don’t rush it, but don’t hang on if he starts to pull away, either. Let your lips relax, let your jaw relax. If all else fails, pay attention to what he’s doing and just copy him.

  “Cadie,” he whispered again. “We’re friends, right?”

  My eyes flew open. Was that what he was supposed to say? “Yeah, of course.”

  “Okay, good. So, can I ask you something?”

  He might ask first, or he might just make meaningful eye contact, or touch your face. If you want to jump-start things, you can do that, too, you know. Any of those things. Ha. Like I’d have the courage.

  “The answer’s yes,” I said, in what I hoped was a suave and sultry voice. Except it came out as more of a quiver. Almost a question.

  He raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t ask yet.”

  “Ha! Right.” My heart thudded. “So, what is it?”

  He leaned in even closer, if that was possible, so that his lips brushed my ear. “It’s, um, about Elizabeth. I was just wondering. Is she dating Sam, do you know? Or are they just friends?”

  Raven found me in the bathroom—I didn’t know how, since I’d fled to the single-stall one all the way up by the front office. She locked the door behind her. “Cadie! What happened?”

  “She’s ruined everything,” I sobbed, not caring that my sparkly blue cat-eyes were running down my cheeks. “Everything. First Mom and Dad, and my room, and books, and driving, and then Sam, who didn’t even matter, but that wasn’t enough, because now this.”

  I may have mentioned that I don’t do crying. Which was why Raven’s eyes were as round as the holes Elizabeth had punched right through my life.

  “Cadie. Slower. You’re not making sense.”

  I told her about my dance with Farhan. The kiss that wasn’t. The anti-kiss. “It’s not fair! Why can’t she just leave my life alone?”

  Raven spread a double layer of toilet paper over the closed toilet seat, tucked her dress around her legs, and sat. Gingerly. Raven hates public bathrooms, even the ones at school. “It’s not exactly her fault, you know.”

  “Raven!”

  “Well, it’s not.”

  “That’s not what you’re supposed to say.”

  “Best friends don’t say things they’re supposed to say, they say true things. And it’s not going to do you any good to be mad at Elizabeth. Be mad at Farhan. Fart-on. That’s what we’re going to call him from now on, okay?”

  I snorted through my tears, despite myself. “Gross.”

  “He’s the one with the thick head,” she continued. “I mean, look at you. You’re a catch, Cadie. The best catch in this school. You’re smart, funny, talented at everything you try. And smoking hot, especially in that dress. Cut your losses and move on before he knows what hit him.”

  “That’s not really helping, either,” I sniffled.

  Raven sighed. “What do you want me to say? Your date’s a loser? He is. He had us very cleverly deceived all these years. So let him run after the Virgin Mary. He’ll be sorry when he realizes what an ice princess she is.”

  I thought about walking home from Mass with Elizabeth and her smoking. Virgin Mary? Maybe not, after all. I took a deep breath. “She’s actually … more complicated than that. And you’re right. It’s not her fault.”

  “That’s the wrong attitude, missy.” Raven was the president of the 180-degree club. She could change her opinion at the speed of light. “You have the right to be mad at anyone you choose tonight.”

  “‘Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.’”

  “What?”

  “It’s a quote. From some play Dad hates.” I couldn’t believe even in this moment thoughts of Dad were sneaking in. Like he and Elizabeth just couldn’t leave any minute of my life alone.

  “You know, you quote the strangest things in times of crisis, have I ever told you that? Well, good. I’m glad your brain is still functioning, even if your eyes are behaving very oddly. Are you done crying yet? It’s seriously freaking me out.”

  I wiped my eyes. Blue glitter all over the paper towels.

  Raven stood. “Now, what’s the plan?”

  “What plan?”

  “I’m bored of this shindig. Want to cut out?”

  I knew that couldn’t possibly be true. She and Max had danced almost every dance together. She looked ravishing in her dress, and she loved being the center of attention. She was practically glowing with contentment right now. And yet, she was willing to lie about all that and leave, just to save me from my misery. This was why I loved her.

  I couldn’t say all that, though. For one thing, my tear ducts were threatening to start leaking again, just from thinking it. And Raven would deny it all, anyway. So I said, “Mom’s expecting to take us home at the end of the night …”

  “I’ll go find her and tell her you’re not feeling well. And then I’ll call Renata and she’ll drive us to the Charmery for emergency ice cream and then we can drop you off. Okay?”

  “I think I’d rather just go straight home. You should stay here and have fun.”

  Raven gave me a long look, then nodded. “Ice cream rain check. Let me just go find your mom. Wait at the office for me; no one will bother you there.”

  Five minutes later, she was back, and fifteen minutes after that, Renata called to say she was outside the school.

  Raven came along for the short ride, although she promised me she’d go back to the dance afterward. I didn’t know if Raven had told her what happened, but Renata didn’t ask me any questions. Raven got in the back seat with me and put her arm around me. I was grateful for her bony shoulder to lean on. I closed my eyes and tried to just not think.

  When we reached my house, Renata only said, “Good night, kiddo. You look stunning.”

  “Thanks,” I managed. “Sorry to put you to trouble.”

  She shook her head. “Nonsense. You’re my other daughter. You know that.”

  Raven got out of the car to give me a hug. “That’s still a killer dress, National Park Greenfield. The next time you wear it you’ll be with someone who’s not a total douche.”

  I hugged her back, not trusting my voice to thank her. Anyway, she knew.

  Inside, I crept up the stairs, hoping not to have to face Dad. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

  Someone was waiting at the top of the stairs, though. Josh. He took one look
at my tearstained face and went to get his cello.

  When was the last time I’d spent more than ten minutes with Josh, other than mealtimes? As I changed into my pajamas, I tried to remember. We’d barely talked since Elizabeth had moved in. Not that he ever talked much, but we used to spend time together, at least. I’d been too busy with my own problems lately to make time for him. And one of Josh’s talents was blending into the background. Like a little chameleon. His competition was coming up in mid-December, and I had no idea how he was feeling about it. Barely any idea what he was playing. Popper something? Requiem? Rhapsody?

  “You’re a chameleon,” I told him when he brought the cello into my room. He perched on the bed and raised an eyebrow at me.

  “It made sense in my head,” I mumbled, suddenly exhausted. My words were slurred, as if I’d been drinking. I was dehydrated from crying. Tipsy on tears. “Oh, Josh,” I said. “Why can’t we just move back to Ahimsa House? Maybe that would fix everything. I know you don’t remember it. But you’d love it, trust me. Things were so different there. Mom and Dad were … so much happier. Sometimes I wish we could go back.”

  He looked at me thoughtfully and drew the bow across the strings. I felt every tight muscle in my shoulders soften at the sound. When Josh played his cello, I could forget anything that was bothering me and relax into the music.

  “Was it really that different?” he asked.

  “Ahimsa House?”

  He nodded.

  “Mom was like—another person. Trust me.”

  Josh played a few more open strings. “Did you know she wants to send me to Michigan?”

  “What?”

  “For high school. Interlochen. She mentioned it to Olga last week.”

  “Well … high school’s still pretty far off for you. Don’t worry about it yet.”

  He shrugged, plucked a chord. “What do you want to hear?”