Damien laughed. “Nope. Doesn’t seem that way.” Glass clinked against wood as the bartender set another frosty bottle in front of him. They watched the TV and relaxed for a few minutes in silence.
“And how about Lindsey? Will she let it go, or will she keep pushing you to find your sister?” Jay asked.
“I guess I’ll find out. She only wants what’s best for me—I know that. I should go apologize before I have to sleep under the stars.” Damien pulled out his wallet, and tossed some bills on the table.
“It’s a shame we’re wired to lash out at the ones we love most,” Jay said.
Damien wondered if he was that transparent. The warmth and attraction he’d held in his heart for Lindsey fueled him to help when her car had broken down. A smile brushed his lips when he thought of her hugely pregnant belly. It made it really hard to leave Chatham when his heart started to be dragged toward love, like a toy sailboat being sucked into a swirling funnel of water. He was constantly faced with a hard question that he had to reach deep down to answer. Damien wasn’t really ready to go there, afraid of what the response might be. What was best for Lindsey and Maris? He could stay, and things might be just grand, but what if eventually he changed like his father had? He didn’t want to be the root of someone else’s pain—especially the two people he cared for most.
“Let me drive you home, brother. I haven’t even had a drink yet.” Jay’s voice broke his thoughts.
He was fine to drive, but better safe than sorry. “All right. Let’s hit the road. I have groveling to do.”
Jay’s full-bodied laugh inspired a sense of comradery and friendship he hadn’t experienced since Johnny. Someday, he’d tell Jay about him. It was rare he actually wanted to open up to someone else, but lately there were a whole lot of feelings fighting for space in his heart—he just didn’t know what to let stick, or if the choice was out of his hands completely. The same heart he often thought of as two sizes too small, like his favorite Christmas tale, seemed to be growing three sizes a day. If the people he’d accepted into his life decided to leave, he’d be crushed with the velocity of an ant being hit by a transport truck.
They left the bar and got into Jay’s Jeep. Damien rattled off directions, then enjoyed the slap of salty sea-air against his skin as they drove, top down, toward the cottage.
“You know, you should come for dinner some night. Lindsey would love you and she makes a hell of a meatloaf.”
Jay glanced at him through the dark and Damien saw a shadow of a smile. For a moment, it was as if he was driving with the ghost of Johnny. When the temperature had dropped, and they rolled out their sleeping bags in the sand, Johnny would always smile through the dark, talking about the Big Mac he was going to have the second he touched U.S. soil.
“Offer accepted,” Jay said.
They pulled up to the cottage and Damien thanked Jay for the ride. The headlights of the Jeep flashed away, once he was inside. Lindsey was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea.
Damien hesitated. “I bumped into Jay, and he gave me a ride home.” He tucked his hands into his pockets and stood in the center of the kitchen. Fear squeezed at his heart when Lindsey just looked down into her steaming mug.
“Do you ever feel like we’re on the cusp of something really great, and then the past sneaks up to bite us in the ass?” she said.
He was aware of his heart thumping in his chest, as he looked at Lindsey, slumped over the table with defeat written across her face. He pulled a chair beside her and sat down.
“Linds, I’m still figuring myself out. The news was a bombshell to me. I needed air. I need to think it out. And there I go with the ‘I’ and ‘me.’ I’m still learning how to live with someone I care about, and I realize that means thinking of the ‘we’ and ‘us,’ before I run off with my tail tucked between my legs.” He stroked a hand down her soft hair.
“I got my own bombshell after you left.” Her voice was flat and tired. The squeeze that clutched his heart clamped.
“What is it, Lindsey? Are you okay, your parents?” She was silent for one breath, then two. The howl of wind and the rushing surf made a dramatic symphony from the open porch screen.
“Matthew wants to see Maris.” She looked up at him and her eyes shimmered with tears.
“Well, shit. After all this time?” Inside Damien’s head screamed. Her ex was coming back to see the baby and there could only be one reason for it. To win back Lindsey. He’d manipulated and convinced her to do things before. What if he persuaded her to move home? Or worse, what if Lindsey decided that because Maris was his child, they should be a family?
“He wasn’t here. Not for any of it. I cried myself to sleep night after night when I first left him. How would I raise the baby on my own? How would I get through the pain of labor without him by my side? Now I can’t stand the thought of seeing him, or of watching him hold the daughter that’s of his blood, but not of his heart.” She pinched the bridge of her nose. “Why do things always have to be so complicated? Why can’t we just…be?”
He wrapped his arms around her and held onto her tight, as if she might slip through his fingers at any moment. It wasn’t only him who had demons, it was her, too. How could they make a future together when they kept getting sucked into their past problems? He breathed in her beachy scent mingled with tears. Matthew had hurt her, but as of lately, he had, too. Maybe neither of them deserved her at all.
Chapter Fourteen
Lindsey had so much on her mind that it was like middle school band lessons were in session inside her head. The sounds of the brass, woodwind, and percussions were thrumming so loudly she could barely think. Of course, it wasn’t instruments that clogged her brain and left her mind limp like one of Daisy’s stuffed chew toys. Her relationship with Damien held so many unknowns, and now she was second-guessing her decision to ask Alex for intel on Damien’s long-lost sister.
Lindsey had fallen for Damien hard and fast. Her heart, mind, and soul were on the line. She knew there was a real chance of losing him once he discovered what she’d done, but she wanted him to be happy, and to her that meant finding his sister at all costs. She supposed locating his sister wouldn’t guarantee that Damien would be happy at all. She’d always equated happiness with having a solid, loving family. What if for Damien, family were the people you chose and not those with the same DNA? Maybe their definitions of family were different, and if so, did she really only screw things up?
She sighed and looked at the mountain of dishes in the kitchen sink, piling up like Mount Vesuvius. Lindsey composed herself, picked up a dish, and started scrubbing. When she received commission from her first painting, a dishwasher would be the first thing she checked off her to-do list.
When she had shared his mother’s letter the week before, a steel wall surfaced around Damien. That moment had brought hard questions to the surface. If Damien couldn’t rationally discuss feelings of his past with her, how could they handle bigger problems that arose in their relationship later on? Every time the going got tough, would he slam that steel wall shut and leave her on the outside looking in?
She’d had enough secrets and lies when she’d been with Matthew, and by God she was done being someone’s doormat. Done.
Matthew’s call had shaken her to the core. She wished she told him he couldn’t visit, but his manipulative words had frightened her. Matthew had insisted on coming, and he was the father after all. Everything was such a mess, and her relationship with Damien was volatile. Maybe, Lindsey was just meant to be single. She didn’t feel strong enough to fight off Matthew, and then walk on eggshells with Damien. She wanted them to be an honest and open couple, and they were, so long as they treaded lightly around Damien’s past or anything to do with it. Was she being too hard on him? She knew Damien had faced significant trauma. Maybe she was the problem. Was she so set on finding this perfect, happy relationship that she was trying to fit a triangle block into a circle hole?
Perhaps her upbringi
ng with two great parents, albeit a little overbearing and sometimes judgmental, really did color her world in a different light. If Damien was just trying to preserve himself from the pain of his past, who was she to tear away the barrier between the last connection he had? Life was so darn complicated sometimes.
She let out a long sigh. Lindsey and Damien would have to have a heart-to-heart, but right now, Matthew was her biggest worry. Lindsey snickered at the thought of Matthew’s perfectly manicured hands getting soiled while changing a diaper. She secretly hoped Maris would throw up all over one of his neatly pressed shirts. Still, she had to let him come. What choice did she have? Maris was his, too, by blood. It tore deeply into the core of her heart, because Matthew was no father to her at all. He didn’t care for her, and he didn’t love her. Someday, she’d have to explain to Maris why her biological father wasn’t there for her. She absently massaged her temples to ease the ache there.
Lindsey jerked, and the plate she was holding clattered to the ground. It shattered in a thousand pieces as her cell phone shrilled wildly on the counter beside her. Lindsey released the breath she’d been holding when she saw Alex’s name flash across the screen. Taking the baby monitor with her, she pulled the slider open and stepped on the deck. The warm air didn’t hold any comfort today, and she angled her body away from the gusts of wind as they snapped wisps of hair against her face.
Alex’s no-nonsense voice greeted her, then softened. The knot building inside her stomach could easily trump the world’s largest ball of yarn.
“Linds, I found her,” Alex said. “Her name is Kate.”
“Well, what do you think?” Lindsey asked, desperate for input or any inkling that she’d done the right thing. “Her character—is she someone Damien would want to meet?”
“Listen, I’m doing some work outside Boston today, for a corporation in Carver. Just wrapping up now, actually. I can be there in, say, an hour or so? We can go over the details in person, and then you can decide.”
Lindsey’s plate was pretty full with Damien’s new boss coming for dinner, a baby to tend to, and a house to clean, but learning about Damien’s sister was high up on her priority list.
“Can you stay for dinner?” Lindsey wrapped her free hand around her stomach, which was churning with angst.
“And not eat one of the frozen disks in my apartment freezer? Yes, please.” Alex laughed and a ghost of a smile formed on Lindsey’s face.
“Perfect. Just a heads-up, Damien will be bringing a friend home from the office.”
“Nothing would stand between me and a home-cooked meal.”
“Or any meal.” Lindsey laughed now, too, as she remembered her friend’s intense love of the cafeteria food in college.
“Hey, a girl has to eat,” Alex said before clicking off the line. Lindsey had always been semi-jealous of Alex’s lithe frame. The ability to down fast-food like it was a part-time job and never gain an ounce was Alex’s super power. Lindsey quickly learned that Alex woke before the sun, slipped on her running shoes, snuck out of the dormitory, and pounded the pavement while the rest of the world slept.
The static on the monitor picked up, and she looked at the screen. Maris was stirring. She had about ten minutes to finish up the dishes and spin through the house for a quick sweep of the floors. She blew out a breath and got to work. As she dried dishes and tucked them into the cabinet, her mind whirled with possibilities of Damien’s sister—who she was, what she did, how she looked. Anything to keep her mind off the giant ball of yarn as it spun wickedly in her belly. God, she hoped she’d done the right thing for Damien.
In the end, Maris gave her an extra half hour to do housework, and Lindsey was quite pleased with her accomplishments. The house was spotless, and a shepherd’s pie was assembled and ready to be popped in the oven. A car door slammed outside, and she stood up with Maris, who was cuddled in her arms. Lindsey glanced out the window just in time to see Alex’s long legs slide out from the black SUV. As she walked to the house, the sea breeze tossed her fiery hair, swiping the choppy strands against her chin. She wore dark jeans, a black T-shirt, and simple sneakers. Nothing about her friend had changed.
When Alex got close enough, she swung an arm around Lindsey, and peered down at Maris who looked back with wide eyes.
“Can you believe we were ever that tiny?” Alex whispered. A hint of unfamiliar awe swam through the currents of her voice.
“When she was first born, she seemed so small and so fragile. I carried her like she was made of eggshells.” Lindsey grinned at Alex.
“I won’t be holding her.” Her friend smiled, eyes still locked on the baby. “There’s way too much responsibility wrapped in that bundle of blanket.”
“I won’t force you.” Lindsey glanced down to the leather portfolio in Alex’s hands.
“I can see you’re chomping at the bit. Let’s go inside and we can look these over. Great place, by the way.” With one fluid movement, she opened the door to the cottage and breezed in. She stopped in the center of the kitchen, sniffed the air like a basset hound, and let out a long sigh. “Please tell me that smell is dinner.”
“It is. Shepherd’s pie. I was trying to think of something manly to make with Jay coming over. That’s the best I could come up with.”
“That’s pretty darn impressive. If I had a child, plus had to take care of a house, there wouldn’t be enough freezer storage in the world for all the Stouffer’s frozen dinners I’d need to buy.” Alex plopped down at the kitchen table, and Lindsey pulled over Maris’s activity chair so she could bat at the flowers and owls that hung above the arched pink canopy. Once she settled Maris in and buckled her securely, she switched her focus to Alex, and the single manila file that she produced from the case.
Lindsey pressed her hand to her chest, and the wild flap of her heart thrummed against her hand. “Oh, my gosh. I didn’t think I’d be this nervous,” she admitted.
Alex eyed her squarely from across the table. “Linds, you can change your mind. No one would know any different. This guy you’re seeing—Damien—how will he take it?”
Lindsey shook her head. “I’m not sure. Deep down, I think he’s always envied those who have a family and craved one of his own. Now he has that chance.”
“You can’t always count on blood. Sometimes the happy family we all seek is the furthest thing from our God-given relatives.” Alex cracked the file ever so slightly. “If you’re sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Damien needs to know. He’ll never be able to move forward with his life if he can’t face his past.” Alex opened the file on the wooden table and Lindsey forced herself to breath normally.
“She’s squeaky clean, Lindsey. No records, no traffic violations, no suspensions from school.” Alex slid a stack of photos over to Lindsey. On the glossy paper, she saw Damien’s sister, blissfully unaware that her picture was being snapped by a stranger. She cringed at the invasion of privacy. There were images of Kate walking across campus in relaxed jeans, a college T-shirt, and a stuffed backpack. Ones of her studying on the green with her brows furrowed in concentration. There was no denying this was Damien’s sister. Her glossy hair, black as ink, fell just above her shoulders, and the eyes, that coastal-blue, was reflected on the photos. Unlike her brother, her build looked very petite.
“She’s beautiful.” Lindsey’s voice, barely a whisper, cracked as she shifted through the photos again.
“And smart. Her GPA is a 3.9 and she’s going for a dual degree in psychology and early childhood education. She works part-time at a twenty-four-hour diner. Seems to burn the candle at both ends. There’s something driving her focus, and I think it’s the mother.”
Lindsey’s brows snapped together. “Damien’s mother is in Boston?”
Alex frowned, and Lindsey’s heart sank like quicksand.
“Was, Lindsey,” Alex said. “She died at New Horizons, a treatment center for addiction. She overdosed. From what I can tell, Kate was footing the bills to keep her t
here. It looks like Kate may have been born during detox. Baby and mom had a two-month stint at the hospital in a special rehabilitation center. I didn’t include information on his mother’s passing in the file. He shouldn’t learn that news from a piece of paper.”
Tears welled in the corners of Lindsey’s eyes, blurring the papers and the room in front of her. Had she just popped the lid off Pandora’s box? Damien had just lost his father, and now she had discovered his mother had passed, too. She pressed her hand to her temple. Lindsey didn’t want to think of what this poor girl had gone through. It said something about her spirit that she forged on, going to college and holding a job, even though life kept knocking her back. Damien and his sister were tough as steel, and maybe the upbringing they shared would help weld them together.
“Are you going to tell him?” Alex asked, when Lindsey checked on the casserole inside the oven.
“They need each other. I’ll tell him when the time’s right,” Lindsey said. Would there ever be a right time to tell Damien she’d snuck around behind his back? Like an old reel of film, the scene of how she’d break the news to Damien kept streaming through her mind. Each one ended with his back turned to her. Ended with everything they’d built crumbling like a house of ash.
“You can keep the file,” Alex said. “But I’d tuck it away, because there’re two seriously hot men walking down the drive.”
Lindsey peeked out the front window and her eyes went straight to Damien. The cuffs of his crisp white dress shirt were rolled up at the elbows, leaving his strong, tan forearms bare. The same arms that held her at night. The ones that made her feel safe and wanted. His lips curved into a smile at something Jay had said. It softened all the hard angles and planes of his face.
Damien looked up and caught her eye. He grinned and waved. The two men stomped up on the porch, bringing a trail of sand with them, while jesting causally like old friends.
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