by Sabre Rose
twelve
When I snuck out of the house, Dad wasn’t in his chair. It was the first time in a long time that he actually went to bed. The streets were deserted as the pizza shop and its neon sign came into view.
“Hey, babe. I don’t think you’re on tonight.” Caleb met me at the back door. The smell of dough and grease floated in the air. He looked me up and down. “You look like shit, by the way.”
I folded my arms across my chest, staring up at him, chewing the lip caught between my teeth.
Caleb looked at me curiously. “You coming in or what?”
“I need something.” I looked about, waiting for the boss, another workmate, someone or anyone to appear.
Caleb frowned. “What sort of something?”
“Something to relax.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Mind or body?”
“Body.”
“Like muscle relaxants?”
“Something stronger.”
Caleb shifted uncomfortably. “I think you need to tell me what they are for.” His eyes darted back inside the shop and he moved down a step. “Who they are for.”
I took a deep breath. “I just need someone to understand what it feels like to be powerless.”
Caleb grinned and ran his tongue over his teeth. “And this person who needs to understand this, is this because of something he did, assuming it’s a he?”
I nodded. There was little more else I could do. My body was trembling and I shoved my hands further under my armpits, shielding them from Caleb.
“Meet me after my shift.”
“You haven’t got anything now?”
Caleb scoffed. “I’m not a walking pharmacy.”
I chewed so hard on my bottom lip it bled. “I need it now.”
Caleb chuckled. “Fine. Fine. I’m sure I can scrounge something up. Wait here.” He disappeared and I stood on the street as fat drops of rain fell from the sky.
“Here.” He deposited a few pills into my hand. “That’s all I’ve got on me. It’s just benzo but an overdose should do the job. How big is he?”
I looked Caleb over, noting that he was around the same build as you. “About your size.”
Caleb chewed on his lip, calculating in his mind. He took a pill out of my hand, paused, then placed it back and shrugged. “Should be enough.”
“Thanks.” I shoved them into my pocket, hoping they would be enough to do the job. I started to walk away but Caleb’s voice pulled me back.
“Is everything okay, Soph? Do you need company on this little vigilante mission?”
I forced a smile, walking backwards so I could face him while escaping him. “Don’t worry. It’s nothing.”
Because you were.
As I walked the streets you called again and this time I answered.
“Hi.” My voice was timid. Cautious.
“Thank god.” Your words came out in a gush of relief. “I need to explain. You have to listen to me.”
“I’m listening.” I would let you talk. It worked in my favour. You had no idea I was aware of what you had done.
“It’s not what you think,” you started.
I had promised myself to let you talk, but words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them. “And what is it you think that I think?” I was sharp. Blunt. You thought your only fault was being their son.
“That I hid who I was. I need to see you, explain in person.”
I wondered then if you knew how easy you made it. How desperate you sounded.
“Fine.”
“Fine?” You repeated the word. “Come over to my place.”
“No. Meet me by the estuary.”
“The estuary?”
Just like the alarm bells that should have sounded when you knew my surname without introduction, or when you sent a car to my place without an address, you ignored the warning bells that should have sounded in your head.
You should have known.
I named the time and you agreed.
You shouldn’t have.
thirteen
Before I left, I wrote my father a note. It told the truth about everything. About you and about me. It told him where I would be. What I was about to do.
I took a taxi to the estuary and got there before you did. The sun was just beginning to set and it cast orange and red and yellow over the water. You were too good for such beauty but I needed there to be poetry in my actions. I needed you to feel what she felt. What I felt.
I sat on the wooden bench and waited. In my hands was a cup of coffee. In my pocket were headphones. Another cup sat on the seat beside me.
You walked with your head lowered to the ground. I swallowed the knot in my throat, denying the feelings of love and lust that swirled through me at the sight of you. You had fooled me. Made a mockery of my family.
You would pay.
You didn’t say anything as you approached, just sat beside me. I slid the coffee towards you and you took it without hesitation, the scent of alcohol on your breath. You believed in my innocence, my naivety.
You didn’t know me.
“I’m sorry.” That was what you said when you came inside me too. “I had no idea who you were when I met you.” That was a lie. “I had no idea that you were Phoebe’s sister.”
You said her name so easily. It should have burned your throat. It should have ripped open the flesh of your lips and welded your teeth shut.
You took a sip of your coffee and shuddered at its bitterness. “And when I did find out, I didn’t want to tell you who I was. I was already falling for you, Sophie. I was already in love.”
I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell your lies into the cool air of the evening. But instead, all I did was raise my drink to my mouth which prompted you to do the same. I watched your fingers and imagined them wrapped around the neck of my sister as she pleaded for you to stop.
Did her voice sound just like mine?
Your free hand, the one without the coffee, was stuffed into your pockets, fumbling with something. For a brief moment I wondered if it was wrapped around the same thing as mine. Something smooth and fine. Something that would cut the air from your throat.
“Do you believe me?” You appeared so honest in your plea, and for a moment, I let myself consider what would happen if I said yes.
Would you take me in your arms?
Would you press your lips against mine?
Would I end up like my sister?
I shifted closer, disarming you with my boldness. “Tell me about her.”
“About who?” Confusion passed over your features and for a moment I hesitated.
What if I was wrong? What if what the witness had said was lies?
You shook your head.
“About who?” you asked again.
“About my sister.” I said it so quietly the words were almost carried away by the wind, but your beautiful eyes narrowed ever so slightly.
“What do you mean? I never knew her.” You opened and closed your fingers around the cup of coffee, testing their strength. The police had told my father it took a lot of force to strangle someone long enough for them to die. And your strength was fading.
I needed to keep you talking, allow enough time for the drugs to start to work. “Don’t lie to me,” I warned.
You attempted to look at me with wide and innocent eyes, but as soon as you met my gaze, you knew that I knew the truth.
“What have you done?” You moved your fingers again. They moved slowly. They lacked strength. Your breathing slowed.
I smiled and leaned closer. “When she was begging for you to stop, did you listen or did you simply tighten your fingers?”
Even when confronted with the truth you insisted on proclaiming your innocence. “It was a mistake. I didn’t mean too… I took things too far. I loved her.”
“You didn’t even know her!” I spat. “Did she claw at your hands like I did? Did she draw blood with her nails?”
You blinked but you didn’t mov
e away. “She agreed.”
I laughed then. “She agreed to let you kill her?”
Something about your expression changed. Your features twisted and darkened. “She agreed to let me strangle her. I paid her. She said yes.” The coffee cup fell from your hands and I thought that meant your strength was gone. I was wrong. “You look so much like her. Especially when you posed for me. She posed for me too, just like you did. The same stance and everything. Only I didn't have to pay you for it. I guess in the end, I didn’t pay her either.”
That was what made me snap. I stood, just as you lurched towards me, pulling the cord of my headphones out of my pocket and moving behind you. But you were too slow. Your limbs moved as though through thick liquid. Your arms flailed behind you, reaching for me as I looped the cord around your neck and pulled tight.
“Do you think she felt helpless under your hands?” I hissed in his ear. “Do you feel helpless under mine?”
I think you tried to laugh, but it came out as nothing more than a gurgle. Your hands clawed at your throat, trying desperately to get under the tension of the cord. Tossing your body left and right, you tried to throw me off balance, but the drugs had made you slow and your movements laboured. I increased my grip, jerking the cord tighter, pulling harder. It cut into my fingers but I didn’t care.
Lowering my mouth to your ear, I let my lips brush over your skin. “I hope you’re thinking of her now. Of what you did. That is why you’re here. This is your fault. You did this. You ruined me.”
I wanted there to be a symmetry to your death. For you to die by my hand in the same manner as she had died by yours.
Giving up on releasing the cord, you fumbled through the pockets of your jacket. I didn’t see exactly what you pulled out but it glinted in the setting sun. I tried to move, but it was too late. Your flailing dug the knife into my side and I cried out in pain, releasing the cord.
You coughed, drawing air into your desperate lungs as I fell to the ground, clutching at my side.
“You bitch!” Your voice was different than before. You lunged at me but I jerked my body away, dragging it through the dirt and the stones of the path. Even though your movements were stilted by chemicals, mine were stilted by pain.
“What makes you think she wanted me to stop?” Spit flew from your mouth. “What makes you think she didn’t enjoy it, just like you did?” Your smile was cold and cruel.
Blood seeped through my clothing and onto the ground. I tried to stand but ended up falling. You threw your body onto mine, weighing me down, pressing me into the stones.
You hissed words in my ear. Dark words. Filthy words. I rammed my elbow into your face and you reeled back as blood gushed from your nostrils.
Fear pulsed. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. You were supposed to be the one on the ground. You were supposed to be the one suffering. My fingers clawed the dirt as I dragged my broken and bleeding body away from you. But you came after me, stumbling, barely able to keep on your feet. The ground gave way beneath me and I rolled into a ditch, grass scratching at my skin, tickling the tip of my nose as tears streamed down my cheeks.
You lurched after me, leaning down to press your face into mine. “Why did you have to do this?” Your eyes were dark with desire. You almost looked at me lovingly as I lay there, the sky darkening above me. “We could have had something. You were my second chance. You were like me. You were dark. You craved pain with your pleasure, I saw it in your eyes. I knew it by the way your body responded.”
The blade glinted in the light of the setting sun once again as you reached out. And even though your movements were slow, I still didn’t know what you had done until I felt the warmth and the wet on my neck. I lifted trembling hands and they came away red. I tried to talk but it felt as though I was drowning. Nothing came out but gurgles and gasps.
You stroked my cheek with a cold and clammy hand and hushed my desperate babble. “It’s okay.” With concentrated effort, you reached into your pockets and pulled out a packet of cigarettes. Your hands trembled. Your eyes danced. You lit the end of a cigarette and let the first plume of smoke into the air.
“I lied.” Honesty came from you now that you thought this was the end. You took another drag on the cigarette and winked, only it came out slow and over-exaggerated. “I knew who you were the moment I met you. I knew whose sister you were.”
I didn’t feel any pain. I only felt cold. Blood bubbled in my throat as I attempted to gasp for air, and panic made my heart thud.
You dragged yourself back up the bank of the ditch, distancing yourself from me but still watching as my life dripped away.
“You look so much like her, but I guess you know that. I just couldn’t help myself. I had to have you like I had her.” You took another drag on the cigarette as though my life wasn’t draining away, as though we had all the time in the world. “It was the first time I tried it. I didn’t know how to control myself. I took it too far.” You shrugged your shoulders as you said it, as though it was nothing more than a simple mistake, a slip of the hand. “I didn’t mean to, if that makes you feel any better. But she was just so beautiful as she struggled. I wanted to watch. I needed to watch. I’d seen her so many times at my father’s parties. She was there to entertain the men, I knew that but I didn’t care. When she danced there was nothing more beautiful in the world. I had to have her. Of course,” you chuckled, “she didn’t agree. She dismissed me, looked at me with disdain.” You took another inhale of smoke and blew it over me as I spluttered and choked on my own blood, lying discarded in the ditch.
“You know they won’t get me, don’t you? My father will make sure if that. He knows it was just a mistake. I’m not a killer.”
I wondered if you knew how demented you sounded. I wondered how I had not seen it before. I struggled to speak and you leaned forward as though attempting to listen to me.
“I should probably go.” As you got to your feet, you swayed, holding out your hands in an effort to steady your body, your breath coming out labored and forced. The outline of your cock was visible through your pants. You were hard as you watched me bleed in the ditch. Throwing the butt of your cigarette into the water, you looked at me once more. “Don’t worry, it won’t be much longer and then it will all be over. You’ll get to see your sister again.” You winked. “Say hi from me.”
I could only see bits of you through the blades of the grass. I was hidden. Only whispers of air reached my lungs and they were wet with blood.
You blew me a kiss and turned, but when you did, your body jerked backwards and you fell to the ground with a thud. Surprise flashed in your eyes as the silhouette of my father appeared on the horizon. You hadn’t counted on him being here. You hadn’t counted on him bringing a weapon. You twisted and thrashed but your poisoned body was no match for a bullet. I tried to smile at you through the blades of grass but I don’t know if I succeeded. All I know is that your eyes searched out mine in terror. You coughed and your body convulsed. Blood spluttered from lips tainted with blue and trickled down your chin.
My father stumbled through the grass, wild eyes searching the surroundings. “Sophie!” he called out in desperation. “Sophie!”
I tried to answer but nothing came. Not even a gurgle. There was no warmth left in me. Even the blood soaking my neck was now cold. It gathered in the dip between my collarbones.
“Sophie!” Dad called again, running and stumbling away from me. I tried to lift my hand but there was nothing left. Panic ricocheted as the blood rose up my throat, suffocating me.
Dad’s voice carried my name on the breeze, louder than it was before. My heart swelled with the hope that he might find me before there was nothing left.
Your lifeless eyes stared back at me, red veins dancing over the white.
Even then my heart cried for you.
* * *
They told me I was lucky. Lucky you didn’t cut any deeper. Lucky my dad found me when he did. Lucky the ambulance came so quickly.
>
But they didn’t know the truth. They didn’t know that part of me wished I had died with you. It would have been a kindness. By getting vengeance on you, I had become you. Capable of killing. Capable of death. If you hadn’t had that knife, I would have been the one to end your life. It would have been me in jail awaiting trial instead of my father. It was what I deserved.
It was three days before they allowed me to remove the bandage and see the scar you left me with. The nurses told me it would fade, but I didn’t want it to. I want it to stay angry and raw and red. I want it there because it reminds me of you and everything you took from me.
But even though you took everything, even though you ruined me, my heart still flutters when I think of you. Maybe you are right. Maybe we are the same.
Just look at me now in this world without you.
I have nothing.
But I am still here.
And you are not.
a note from the author
Thanks for reading You Ruined Me. I hope you enjoyed it.
Although it is a little different from my previous books, I adored writing it. Sophie and Killian were such vivid characters in my mind, so I hope I’ve done them justice in conveying their story.
If you feel like leaving a review I would be forever grateful!
I’ve got lots of stories running about my head and have another dark romance planned for release later in 2018. So, if you’d like to keep up to date with news regarding my books, please sign up for my newsletter by clicking on the link below:
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other books by sabre rose
Thornton Brothers
This steamy contemporary romance series follows the lives of the Thornton Brothers as told by the women who love them.