“You shouldn’t be so uptight, you know. And perfect. In fact,” I say, my voice all breathy and my chest almost heaving with all the sensations. “I think you’ll like how free the people are on the other side.”
“What side is that?” he asks at last, in a soft voice and awareness in his eyes.
“The side where craziness lives. And I’m not talking about the useless kind.”
Simon studies me with a clamped jaw before nodding and stepping back. “Well, you have a good day, and for your sake, I hope you don’t play poker.”
I played poker.
But I’m not very good at it. So, I kinda lost. I’m up to about twelve thousand in debt, that I have to pay when I get out of here next week. We’re all very heavy betters here at Heartstone.
I’m in my bed, sitting in the exact same position, drawing shapes on the window. It’s raining again. Heavy and loud, masking every other sound but the sound of the sky falling.
The night nurse just peeked in through the window and I was pretending to be asleep. It’s midnight and there’s exactly fifty-three minutes till another hourly check. He’s three minutes later than yesterday.
Like last night, I sense when the door of my room opens and he enters.
Immediately, I’m up on my feet. The floorboards creak, but tonight, I’m a little calmer about it. I shouldn’t be, though. It’s dangerous.
“You’re late,” I whisper as I take in his form, dark and tall. Kind of menacing, but kind of not.
Tonight, the darkness doesn’t seem so dark. I’m more adjusted to it. I can see the messed-up strands of his hair, the look in his eyes and the wet splotches on his shirt as he walks closer to me.
“You should be sleeping right now,” he says, gruffly.
“You should be too.”
“Insomnia can exacerbate your condition, Willow,” he informs me.
I almost pout. “As far as I know, you also have trouble falling asleep.”
“We’re not talking about me. And I’m not the one with a Major Depressive Disorder.”
Okay, enough.
I don’t want to fight when there are other issues at stake.
“Why are you wet?” I reach out and catch the stray droplets on his throat with my finger.
I feel him swallow. “I almost went back to my hotel.”
Halting my movements, I eye him. “Why?”
His jaw moves but he doesn’t say anything. I guess that’s my answer – he didn’t want to come. My heart clenches as I ask, “How far did you make it?”
He puts his wet hands on my waist, making me gasp from the chill. “Halfway to the hospital gates.”
“What changed your mind?”
“You were laughing too much. With him.”
I clench my thighs at his tone. All roughed up and angry.
I know I shouldn’t have. I know he was aware of it, me playing poker. We were in the rec room and he was by the door. There was a chart in his hands and he was staring down at it. But I knew that he was attuned to my every move. It’s a thing he does, where he watches me without being obvious, without even directly looking at me.
It’s unnerving and so fucking arousing. It’s like whatever I do, however I move, he takes it all in. It’s heady to be this much at the center of someone’s attention. It messes with all my control. My rationality. It drives me insane.
It makes me fall for him with open arms, and in a white dress.
My hands slide over to his shoulders and I feel his roped muscles under my palms. “I’m not interested in him.”
I’m interested in you.
He tugs me closer until I go flush with his damp body. “Good. He’s not the guy for you.”
I cup his hard jaw, wiping off droplets, feeling the texture of his stubble. “Are you the guy for me, then?”
“No.”
It might take me an eternity to convince him that yes, he is the guy for me. He’s the only guy for me. But I only have seven days to fit in an eternity worth of wooing.
And tonight is the night.
I’m going to give him something. A gift. My trust in the form of my body. My virginity.
Yes, I’m aware that it might be silly to have sex and then magically expect him to fall in love with me.
But the thing is this is all I have. My body, my desire, my lust. This is the purest part of me. My need for him is unpolluted, the one thing I own, and I’ll give him that. I’ll give him my trust.
If it’s stupid, then so be it.
I watch the moisture dripping along the line of his sculpted cheeks. “What does the nurse think tonight? About where you are?”
“Supply closet. She thinks I’m the best doctor she’s ever worked with because I’m helping her with the inventory. Better than even my father.” He scoffs, “But I’m not better, am I? I’m only pretending to help her, so I can come see you. I’m like him.”
It’s important for him. To be better than his dad. It shows in every part of his large body. I remember from our first meeting when we talked about his dad and he clammed up.
I wonder why. Why is there such a rivalry between them?
I can’t ask him though, can I? I can’t ask all these burning questions inside me because I know first-hand how it feels to be asked.
But I can show him. I can show him that I’m not afraid of whatever it is that’s haunting him.
I meet his eyes. “I think you’re exactly who and where you’re supposed to be.”
Mine and with me.
One day I’m going to say it out loud to him. One day we won’t have to meet in the dark like we’re thieves. Like what we have is something to be ashamed of.
He looms over me, the drops of water plopping onto my cheeks, and I arch into him. “Yeah?”
I go on my tiptoes and place a soft kiss on his lips, and whisper, “Yes. Because I want you to do something for me.”
He presses a hard kiss on my mouth, like he can’t resist having a taste. “What?”
I can’t resist a taste either. So I go in for a soft kiss on his stubborn chin and lick his stubble. The rough texture of it on my tongue is so fucking sexy that I get distracted and keep kissing and licking him, like an eager puppy.
Groaning, he presses our lower bodies together and I feel the hardness of his arousal against my stomach. “What do you want me to do, Willow?”
I move my tummy against his cock, hoping it finds its home tonight, inside of me. “Help me up first.”
Without giving him time to think, I push on his shoulders for balance as I heave myself up and wind my legs around his waist. His arms drop to my ass and he gives me a boost and just like that, I’m wrapped around him. Tightly and effortlessly.
Simon is frowning, though. His body is tight, and I squeeze my thighs around him, grinning. His frown increases in intensity when he sees me beam.
I kiss his nose, making him slide his hands inside my pajama shorts and knead the flesh of my bare ass. “Okay, so don’t be mad, all right?”
The way he’s watching me, all alert and almost apprehensive makes me think he already knows what I’m going to ask, and he’s going to be mad, no matter what.
With my hands around his neck, I boost myself even more, going up on his body so I look down at him for a change. “I want you to take my virginity.”
His nostrils flare; even looking up at me, his neck at an angle, he hardly appears any less intimidating. “Excuse me?”
I bite my lip. “Please. It’ll be like a huge favor.”
“Favor being taking your virginity.”
His dry, tight tone makes sparks shoot down to my core. Why am I so attracted to his commanding voice? His authority. The fact that he’s so much older than me and so much more experienced.
I peek at him through my lashes. “Yes.”
“How’s that a favor?”
Simon’s watching my mouth as if he needs to see the words coming out of it. I k
now the reason I’m going to give him is outrageous but it’s his fault. He won’t take the gift I’m offering. So I’m going to trick him.
“Because if you don’t, then someone else will take it.”
“What the fuck?”
It’s like I’m hugging a rock. A hard, unforgiving but breathing rock.
“Before coming here, I had this plan. I wanted to, uh, not be a virgin when I go to college. So, I was going to give it to someone.”
This much is true. I was going to go out with my cousin and find someone to hook up with. Actually, my cousin was going to make me go out with her, so she could find me a guy. I said yes to appease her. But I know if it really came down to it, I would’ve made some excuse.
It’s not as if I didn’t want to get laid, but I didn’t want to get laid like that.
“What is it? A fucking t-shirt that you were going to give it to someone?” he growls angrily, pressing my lower body to his stomach.
I flinch at his tone, but I’m determined to see this façade through. “Hey! I wanted to experience life, okay? I’ve been too ashamed of myself and everything wrong about me that I never really stepped out. I only ever had one boyfriend who turned out to be crap. So my cousin came up with a plan. She was gonna get me a fake ID and she was going to take me to a bar. And she was going to find me a guy.”
Again, truth. But he doesn’t need to know that I was completely against the fake ID plan. I’m not an idiot. I know how dangerous it can be, going out like that.
“No.” He almost squeezes the breath out of me with his hold.
“That’s all you ever say,” I snap, and then try to imitate his low, growly voice. “No.”
I probably sound bratty right now. Bratty and horny. But it’s just what he makes me. He’s so stubborn and good and noble and God, I just want him to fuck me.
Why won’t he fuck me?
Simon gives me another squeeze to let me know that he isn’t happy with me. “First of all, your cousin is fucking stupid. Do you know how dangerous it is to hook up with random men? You have no idea who they are. Who they’ve been with. If they’re safe or sanitary. That’s how you end up in a ditch in a body bag. Or with an STD.” Like last night, he grabs the back of my neck and brings my face down to his. “And second of all, you’re not giving anything to anyone. All right?”
I breathe through my nose and stare into his eyes. Of course, I know that. And I don’t want to give anything to anyone, anyway.
“Then why don’t you take it?”
With a clenched jaw, he replies, “I told you, Willow. As long as you’re under my watch, you’re going to stay a virgin.”
“But I’m not gonna be under your watch for much longer.”
His grip flexes, as if it hasn’t occurred to him that I’m leaving in seven days. My incarceration is over. I’m free. Or I will be.
But I don’t want to be free.
I don’t want to go Outside. I don’t want my life back.
I want him.
If being with him means living in this bland, white, moldy-smelling hospital, with a no-touching rule, and no-going-outside rule, I’m okay. I can take it. I can sleep in this lumpy twin bed, talk through walls, read the same books over and over. I can get startled awake by the whimpering and nightmares and noises of purging. I can take the humiliation of opening my mouth, showing them if I’ve really swallowed the meds or if I’m faking.
I’ll take all the pills they will give me. Nausea, insomnia, night sweats and chills – I’ll take it all as long as I get to be with him.
“Please, Simon,” I beg, grazing our lips against each other. “If you don’t, someone else will. And it’ll hurt.”
He closes his eyes and breathes deep.
I place soft kisses all over his jaw, his face, his eyelids. “Please. He’ll make it hurt and I don’t want to hurt, Simon.”
“Willow.”
My name on his lips is a growl. A thick, tortured growl and I just want to swallow it up. I want to swallow him up.
“Please don’t say no. Please, Simon. What if he isn’t careful with me? I told you my pussy is so tight. It’s so small.” I’m at his neck right now, drinking the leftover drops of rain, licking his salty skin.
He fists my hair and moves me away from him. “Willow, now’s the time to shut the fuck up, all right?”
Even though I don’t have access to his skin with my lips, I rock against his pelvis, all the while hating the fact that we’re wearing clothes. If we weren’t, I’d show him, I’d make him feel how wet I am. How I’m almost gushing for him.
“It is,” I insist, ignoring his command to shut up. “I promise. I’m not lying. You c-can put your finger inside me and see for yourself. It’s tiny.”
“I’m warning you, Willow.”
In any other situation, his growls would probably scare me. But not right now. Nothing scares me. Least of all him. I don’t have any space in my mind, my heart, my body for fear. It’s all desire and urgency.
I’m all need for him. I’m all me. Not a single drop of my illness.
I slide my fingers inside the open collar and touch his warm, smooth skin. “I know you’ll be careful with it. I know you’ll take care of me. Please.”
I feel his chest vibrating, and he tightens his grip on my hair. “Have you been thinking about it all day? How to manipulate me into fucking you?”
“Yes,” I say truthfully.
My answer makes him widen his stance like he won’t budge no matter how much I push him. “I’m not fucking you. You don’t want to get fucked.”
I undo the top button of his shirt and slide my hand even lower. But he stops me. He puts his palm flat on mine and doesn’t let me go anywhere. I look into his eyes, hard and dark and swimming with lust.
My heart squeezes in my chest. And again, I want to ask him. I want to ask him about the things he’s been hiding. About why he won’t let himself have me.
He’s so magnificent. Why can’t he see that?
“You make me happy, Simon. No one’s ever made me happy before,” I tell him, ironically with tears in my eyes.
For him. For myself. For all the things he isn’t telling me.
It’s the truth.
Simon Blackwood makes me happy. He makes me warm. He makes me want to fight for him.
His face is pulsing with something and before I can make sense of it all, he slams his mouth over mine and kisses off all my words.
It’s a relief, this kiss. His tongue. His flavor. His smell. The swallows and the sucks of his mouth. I don’t know what his intention is but I’m not letting him go. I wind my arms around him and hook my legs at the small of his back.
I’m not letting him refuse me any longer. I can’t do it. I want him to give in.
Then suddenly, his mouth isn’t on me and I’m moaning with frustration. “Simon…”
“Listen to me, Willow.” He grabs my face and demands my attention. “Listen to me very carefully, it will be just once. Just one time. Just tonight. And it will be because you want it. You. You want me to do this.”
I wanna say something more but he doesn’t let me. “And, Willow, you won’t fight me on this. Because I swear to fucking God I’m this close to losing it and you don’t want to see me lose it. So, you won’t make this difficult. Do I have your word?”
My heart’s racing. It’s racing, racing, racing. It’s flying. My eyes are wide, and I can’t catch my breath. Did he really say what I think he said?
“Did you…” I lick my lips and blurt out my thoughts, “Did you really say what I think you said?”
He shakes his head once as if exasperated, and mutters to himself, “I’m already regretting this.” To me, “Willow, do I have your word or not? Just this once. Then no more poker or whatever fucked up plan you come up with.”
I’m so relieved and so fucking happy that I don’t have it in me to even take offense at his tone.
I nod.
“You have my word.”
Not.
His eyes flash with something. All his desire. Everything unchained and saturated and dark. It makes my pulse skitter and pores sweat. It’s like the air suddenly turned all dirty and humid. Heavy and swollen like I am. Filled to the brim with drops of lust.
Then he moves.
We’ve been standing in the middle of the room all this time and when he comes unglued from his spot, the floorboards creak, and the thunder crackles. He only has to take a couple of steps before he reaches my bed and tries to lower me onto it.
I don’t let him. “We can’t. The bed, it creaks.”
I can literally see him shaking. His teeth clenched so hard that I know he must be hurting. “Tell me this is a joke.”
“No.” I shake my head. “No joke.”
He releases a short laugh. Though it lacks humor. “Where do you propose we do this?”
I swirl my finger in his damp hair. “Against the wall.”
His frown is the biggest one yet. “You want me to take your virginity against the wall.”
“Yes.” I point to the wall I want. “That one. It’s by the door so it isn’t in the direct line of sight from the little window on my door.”
Again a burst of a laugh, angry, incredulous. “You’ve thought about everything, haven’t you?”
I nod. “Yes.”
“But you forgot something.”
“Wh-what?”
“You forgot how big I am,” he says with gritted teeth. “I’m pretty fucking big and you’re tiny, aren’t you, Willow? So fucking tiny and snug that you were worried someone might hurt you. Do you know what happens when a man fucks you standing up? Do you know what will happen if I do?”
Swallowing, I shake my head, twisting in his lap. All this big and tiny talk is messing with my lust, dialing it up several notches.
“I’ll have to jam my way in. I’ll have to fucking shove my cock inside your cunt, and every time I pull out, the gravity will pull you down. Do you know where you’ll feel me, Willow?” He doesn’t wait for my answer, all big and brooding and stationary. “In your fucking stomach. You’ll feel me in your soft stomach. I’ll be so deep inside of you that you won’t ever get me out. Do you want that, Willow? Do you want to feel that? Because even I can’t save you from that hurt.”
Medicine Man Page 21