Kami snorted and I felt my eyes grow even wider - if that was possible. “Believe me, I know Cupid - it ain’t me.”
I frowned. “Are you drunk?”
“No.” She beamed at me. “But I could be?”
“I’m sure.”
She grabbed my hand, dragging me to the check-in shop. “What do you say we grab a few bottles of wine and meet up with the girls? You’re going to love them!”
Chapter 2
“Don’t you think I should check in first?” I asked as Kami dragged me to a jeep. “I’d really like to get my stuff into a cabin.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay with Kyle and I in the house?”
“I’m sure.”
“Really?” She sighed. “We could spend so much time together. We’ve missed so much in the last year!”
I shook my head determinedly. “Not a chance, Kami.”
“Oh, alright.” She huffed, dropping my hand dramatically. “I’ve already checked you into a cabin.” I opened my mouth to inquire that it was close to the barn, but Kami interrupted me quickly. “Don’t worry, it’s as close to the horses as I could get you - and that’s pretty damn close.”
I sighed in relief. “Thank you, Kami. I really can’t wait to get on a horse. I can’t wait to ride. I just want to ride.”
She nodded. “You can follow me in your car and we’ll get you settled into your cabin. Tomorrow, I’ll introduce you to Reese and Hadley.”
“That sounds like a plan.” I said in relief as I started walking backward to my car.
I waited until Kami had turned back to her Jeep - the one Kyle had given to her to drive after she’d ruined her car by hitting the ditch in a snowstorm. It was that story of how they’d met and how dreamily he’d taken care of her that made me fall in love with the idea of Kyle and Kami.
Kami had been hurt. She’d been hurt deeply, but she’d never been broken - not like me. Kami was so much stronger than I was even with all the horrors she’d endured. I envied her ability to stand tall and strong in spite of all the hurt and chaos she’d experienced.
Somehow, even though Kami had been hurt from the very beginning - her cards simply a shitty hand - she’d maintained the ability to hope for more. She had the ability to dream and to wish and to even accept when those dreams and wishes were granted. She’d accepted Rhett, a man, despite the fact that it had been a man who’d taken her mother from her when she was only a child. When Rhett hurt her beyond forgiveness, she not only forgave him, but she found the strength to accept Kyle, another man, into her life. She took him into her heart and surrendered herself to him in spite of all the pain she’d suffered at the hands of a man.
The strength residing within my friend made my mind spin. I’d only ever been hurt by one man - but I’d never allowed myself to open up to any other since. The man who was supposed to love me regardless of anything and everything, had walked out on not only myself, but my mother. Since that night, I’d never allowed myself to openly trust another man. In my opinion, they were all the same selfish beings. I mean, if my own father could walk away from me - why would anyone else stay?
Shaking the depressing thought from my mind, I pulled open the door of my car and lowered myself into the drivers seat.
As I followed Kami in the Jeep over the winding roads of the Ranch, my heart pounded in my chest. I was nervous and excited all in one. I’d never gone anywhere without my mom. Since my father had abandoned us, I’d always sensed that an unspoken vow stood between my mother and I, that neither of us would ever abandon the other, no matter the difficulties we faced. Even though she’d encouraged me relentlessly to take this trip, even went so far as telling me she’d kick me out of the house if I didn’t, I still felt that I was abandoning her.
As much as I longed to live my life differently than I had been living it for the last twenty-two years, I simply could not fathom leaving my mother. I couldn’t be another soul who abandoned her. If I ever did such a thing - if I ever abandoned my mother - I would never forgive myself. Never.
Even now, knowing I was staying at the Ranch for an extended vacation - from March to September - while I figured out what I wanted to do with the immediate future of my life, whether that was taking the next four years of education to become an equestrian veterinarian, or working as an assistant, I didn’t know.
I. Just. Didn’t. Know.
I had no answers. I was sitting on the fence and I wasn’t leaning to either side. Damn, there wasn’t even a breeze to push me forcedly in one direction. I was just sitting there on that stupid proverbial fence, trying to figure out what I was going to do next, and which way I was planning to jump. Well, I had no freaking clue.
I was surprised to find the break lights of the Jeep ahead of me blinking bright red in the dusky hue of the nearly set sun. I’d zoned out. I’d zoned out while driving as I thought of my very unclear future, my mother, and my nearly obsessive distrust in everything that was the male species.
Shaking my head clear of the thoughts clouding my mind, I pulled my little white car next to Kami’s borrowed Jeep. She was grinning widely at me from the driver’s seat of the Jeep, making enthusiastic hand gestures at the cabin before us as though to say ‘ta da’ like a circus clown drawing back the curtains.
I couldn’t help but grin back at her. God, I had missed my best friend. There was no one on this earth who knew me like Kami. Not even my own mother knew me like Kami knew me.
I didn’t necessarily hide anything from my mother, but I didn’t allow her to see the ruined girl my father had left behind. Unlike my mother, I could allow Kami to see me - every part of me - even the broken parts that I was so ashamed of. She was the only one I would ever allow to view that side of me. She was the only one I had ever shared my pain, insecurities and hopes with. And she always supported me with the unfailing loyalty that any true friend should.
Kami was beautiful. She was my best friend, and I know I’ve said this a billion times before - but I missed her so terribly much this last year. And I knew, that even though I will miss my mother and wished she could be here with me - I am in the right place.
Taking a deep breath for courage, I pushed open the door of my car to lower my feet into the snow. The air wasn’t the biting cold of winter, but instead, it was warming despite the lot of white layering the ground. It was obvious spring was in the air.
All around my cabin, there were trees. I’d been here before, and this cabin wasn’t any different than the others I had stayed in when I’d visited, but I’d never stayed in a cabin so secluded. Spinning around, I glanced back at the road I’d traveled to get myself here. It was lined in tall trees that stretched to reach for the darkening sky.
The snow crunched behind me and suddenly, Kami was standing beside me. “I know it’s a bit more isolated than the other cabins you’ve stayed in, but you’re here for so long I thought you’d prefer this.”
“I do.” I nodded. “Thanks Kami.”
“No problem.” She rocked on her heels. “Well, what do you say we get you settled?”
“I say yes.” I smiled, turning away from the road travelled.
***
By the time we brought my suitcases into the house, trudged them to the bedroom and unpacked, the sky had turned a deep, crisp, glittering ebony. Stars shimmered, their light peeking in through the windows of the cabin to grace our skin as we walked through the dark hall into the living area. Kami leaned down to flick on a lamp that was sitting on the glossy surface of the table beside the couch, and amber filled the dark space, igniting the cabin and all it’s shades of brown in the warmth of the soft light. I felt instantly comforted by the familiarity of the cabin.
“So, what do you think?”
“I think this is right where I am supposed to be in this moment.”
“You’ve been feeling a little off, huh?” Kami asked, and I knew she was asking so much more than just her question.
For so long, Kami and I had been there for each
other when we’d had no one else. Yes, we’d spoken on the phone throughout our year of separation, but talking on the phone just wasn’t the same as seeing the person. Especially when that person knew what to say just by a glance. Kami was that to me. She was the person who knew what I was feeling just by a glance, and like I never backed down from her pain, she never backed down from mine. The only thing now was that I could see my friend no longer needed me in the same way. My friend was no longer in pain.
I was happy for Kami. Don’t get me wrong, I was so impossibly happy for my best friend, but I was also a little frightened of being a weight tied to her ankle and I didn’t want to drag her down with all my never ending problems and insecurities.
Although I could see Kami was offering me to unload all my problems onto her shoulders, I just couldn’t. She was finally happy. She had finally, in spite of the world’s constant interference, found happiness with a good man. I didn’t want to be the voice of question when I knew in the deepest recesses of my heart that what she had with Kyle Donnelley was beautiful, and right, and so very rare.
So, for the first time in the entirety of my relationship with Kamilla, I pressed my lips together, forced a smile and shook my head. “I’ve been doing alright.”
Her eyes narrowed on my face and I knew she could see through my lie. Then she spoke. “Alright,” she sighed. “I’d love to introduce you to the girls tomorrow and since you’re too tired for wine tonight, I’ll text them to meet us for breakfast in the morning. Does that work for you?”
This is the thing; Kamilla has never once, not in the entirety of our friendship, allowed me to lie to her so blatantly.
She knew I wasn’t alright. But she knew my problems were the same as they always were. I was damaged. I’d been damaged since the night my father spoke aloud that he’d always wanted me aborted. Even twelve years later, twelve years of watching me grow, hearing me laugh and seeing me walk, he’d continued to believe that I was nothing more than an interruption to his life.
I was a problem he’d never been able to take care of - and even though it had been years since he’d walked his selfish ass out the door - I still replayed his words in my mind every day. They were a constant reminder that I wasn’t enough. They were a constant reminder that I couldn’t be loved - not the way I longed, so desperately, to be loved.
I smiled at my friend, knowing she needed me to agree to breakfast. “That sounds great, Kami.”
“Great!” She beamed. “I’d better get going. I promised Kyle I’d be home before he went to bed unless the wine came out, of course.”
I laughed. “Of course.”
She winked as she walked backward to the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you, Kami.” I called as she closed the door behind her.
For a moment, I just stood in the center of the living room, feeling utterly lost. And then the door opened and Kami popped her head back into the entry of the cabin. “I forgot to tell you I filled your fridge and pantry with everything you like to eat. And I got you that shampoo you like and a toothbrush, just in case you forgot to pack those things yourself. And...”
I interrupted her. “Thank you, Kami. Please, I don’t want you to worry about me.”
She leaned her head against the door, pressing her temple to the wood. “I know you’re struggling. I can see that much, Ember.” She paused as though to gather her thoughts. “But you’ve got a new start here at the Ranch. Take it. Stop holding onto past pains, Em, because if you never let it go, you’ll never be able to move on.”
I felt the salty warmth of tears sting the back of my eyes. “I’m trying.”
She nodded somberly. “I know. You’ll get there.”
“Yeah.” I agreed. “I’ll get there.”
“Kay.” Kami pulled herself from the door. “Sweet dreams.”
I didn’t have time to reply before the door was closed and Kami was gone. Sighing deeply, I moved slowly to the door. After twisting the bolt lock on the door, I moved back through the cabin to the bedroom where I stripped down from my clothing. I felt sticky and uncomfortable from my long, uninterrupted drive out to the Ranch. Before I went to bed, I wanted to be fresh.
Kami was right; I was here at the Ranch. I had everything I needed for a new beginning - all I had to do now was grip the reins and navigate my new beginning into the direction I desired to travel. Bitterly, I thought, right into Cinderella’s fucking sunset.
Chapter 3
The sound of the shower water pulsing from the showerhead echoed into the small space of the bathroom around me, but I still hadn’t stepped beneath its stream. Instead, I was standing before the mirror. I’d caught sight of my naked body in the mirror, and I couldn’t help but study my image.
I’m pretty in that unconventional way. I’m not tall, but I’m not short either. I’m average. At five foot five, I don’t know another way to describe my height - but average. My skin is creamy and pale pink. Every inch of my flesh is scattered in pale, barely-there freckles.
I have long thick red hair that reaches to the center of my back. It’s straight and glossy - healthy. My brilliant red hair is the one thing I have from my father.
I hate my hair, but I’ve never changed it. As stupid as it is, it’s the one thing my absent father gave to me that he can’t take away.
My eyes move slowly down to connect with their reflection in the mirror, and like so many who meet my eyes with their own, my breath catches. I have beautiful, startlingly beautiful eyes. They’re blue - a bright, deep blue. I’ve heard that red hair and blue eyes is the rarest combination in all the world. That thought makes me smirk humorlessly into the mirror. It is that fact that proves to me that I am everything that wasn’t supposed to be.
I am recessive.
I never should have been born.
I was a mistake. I was one night of carelessness and every day that I looked into my reflection, I saw proof of that fact in my image.
I am recessive. My mother’s black hair is dominant over my father’s red - yet I have red hair.
My father’s amber eyes are dominant over my mother’s brilliant blue - yet I have my mother’s eyes.
I was never meant to be. Again, I am recessive. I am an abomination. It pains my heart, as I realize, not for the first time in my life, that I was never meant to be. Yet, here I stand.
As my eyes take in the round shape of my head, the defined line of my jaw, the full shape of my lips, the slope of my neck into small shoulders and thin arms, the steam swirling in the room closes over my image, leaving me with the sight of all that I am, all that wasn’t supposed to be, burned into my mind.
***
As I pull up to the cafeteria in the morning, I take a deep breath to calm the nervous beating of my heart. I’m a cheery person, so I need to do what Kami says and let all the bad go. I’m in a new place and it’s my chance, for the first time in my life, to take my days by the reins and just ride.
I want to be happy...
It’s on that thought that I push the door from my car open to step out from the drivers seat into the crisp morning air. As I glance out over the brilliant landscape surrounding me the view takes my breath away. Literally.
The sun is rising over the high peaks of the mountains, it’s new morning glow a soft shade of pink that, in war with the moon still bright in the same sky, casts an explosion of soft purple over the land. The snow is not a brilliant white that is so known with winter, but instead, it shimmers in the glimmer of the rising sun like a sea of soft lavender.
The veins in the stone of the mountains pulse with life as a new days light bleeds into their dark crevices, igniting every deep gray line in ribbons of light from the rising sun. For a moment, the world is at a standstill. There is no darkness and there is no light. As the moon and sun face off, there is balance. It is this sight that fills my body and soul with the strength to lift my chin, form a smile over my lips, and walk into the cafeteria.
The aroma of coffee and
baking intoxicates me as the door falls closed behind me. Stomping my booted feet against the mat at the door, I watch as pebbles of snow fall onto the mat before melting where they land.
I make a quick beeline for the small coffee line as a familiar voice stops me in my tracks. “Ember Brighton?”
Turning slowly to face the familiar voice, I felt a true smile claim my face. “Gracie!” I stepped slowly toward her. “How are you?”
“I’d be better if one of my favorite girls who I haven’t seen in over a year gave me a hug!”
I laughed. With Gracie Donnelley, laughing was to be expected. Actually, it was downright impossible not to laugh when in her presence.
Stepping into her warm arms, I felt a little like I was coming home - as odd as that was. I’d been coming to the Ranch for ten years now and I’d hugged Gracie plenty of times, but this time felt different. This time, it truly felt like I was home.
Pulling back away from her embrace, I tried to banish the confusion floating through my mind at the new feeling blooming inside.
Gracie spoke. “When I saw your name in the bookings chart, I was so excited. I worried last summer when I didn’t see you or your mother.” Her eyes were settled firmly, but gently on my face as she asked. “How is Allison doing?”
“She’s well. And we couldn’t not come back to the Ranch, Gracie.” I took in a deep breath. “This place, it...” I didn’t know how to explain the way I was feeling inside. “I just couldn’t imagine never coming back here.”
Gracie’s smile was soft as she spoke. “Will Allison be joining you?”
“Not until later. Probably July.”
Her brows rose and I wondered if she’d not realized how long I was booked to remain at the Ranch for. Then she replied. “I realized you were booked for an extended stay, but is there a reason for that? Is everything alright?”
I nodded. “Everything is fine. I just needed a vacation from life, you know. And I missed Kami.”
A Tender Touch: A Donnelley Brother's Novel (Logan Point Book 4) Page 2