that all the psychiatrists in Vienna would issue an order
to have them committed to a speech class for beginners
where they’d be stuck for the rest of their lives
because of their incompetence
He could also imagine
that in an instant the Burgtheater could become
a national mental institution
for those who have proved themselves incurable
so that overnight Vienna would have
its only mental institution on Ringstrasse
right across from City Hall
and the Director of this mental institution
where no one can be cured
would be Vienna’s mayor Mr. Zilk
who as we all know
resides right across from our Burgtheater
Vienna’s mayor will simply be appointed director
of the only government-approved mental institution for the performing arts
that’s really very simple
the Burgtheater could also be left as is and turned into
a theater museum and instead of the actors
there could be wax figures on stage
and wax figures in the audience
and every two hours the curtain would rise
and the wax figures on stage would bow
and the wax figures in the audience would applaud
and then the curtain would fall again
(he bites into his schnitzel)
that would be Bernhard’s ideal theater
Bernhard also said
that the Burgtheater would make an ideal
coffee-processing factory
and that the Austrian government should make the appropriate offer
to its most popular coffee firm Meinl
the Burgtheater even looks like an old-fashioned
coffee-processing factory
with its two fireplaces
where the coffee could be roasted
don’t ever listen to Bernhard Beil
don’t listen to Bernhard
that arrogant theater monster
Shakespeare
as he’s never been done before
the way I’ve just indicated Beil
the way I actually have him in mind Beil
the way I’ll stage him Beil
you hear me Beil
do you hear me
BEIL (who has just taken a bite from his schnitzel)
Naturally
PEYMANN All I ever get from you is your
naturally
if for once you’d say artificially
artificially Beil artificially Beil artificially
everything in this world is artificial Beil
artificial artificial Beil artificial
while with you everything is always natural
it drives me crazy
I really needed this
climbing up here on this hill
to discuss The Tempest with you
and all I get is your naturally
all I ever get from anybody is this
naturally
everyone around me keeps saying naturally
while what they should be saying all the time is artificially
(bites into his schnitzel)
That’s why I had to come up here
to eat my schnitzel
and to hear you say nothing but naturally
For Christ’s sake Beil
say artificially for once
and say it a million times every day if you must
but stop saying naturally
there’s nothing left that’s natural
and in Vienna least of all
I wanted to do The Tempest
and I’m going to do all of Shakespeare
all of Shakespeare
that’s too much for dramaturgy Beil
too much for dramaturgy
dramaturgy is not equipped for the theater
I envision
it’s not for the theater I want to do
let’s just say
that for that kind of theater dramaturgy per se is too simplistic
if not to say
that it simply is too stupid
for that kind of theater
all dramaturgs wherever they may be
simply are too stupid
(bites into his schnitzel)
When I watch you how you bite into your schnitzel
I think
that this won’t do for all of Shakespeare
and in fact it certainly won’t do for all of Shakespeare
for one Shakespeare yes for The Tempest yes
even for Macbeth if you insist
but not for all of Shakespeare
(bites into his schnitzel)
Shakespeare the way he’s always been done
can’t be done that way anymore
everywhere they’re doing Shakespeare these days
the way he can’t be done anymore
theater all over the world is megalomaniac hack theater
hack dramaturgs hack directors hack actors
If theater can still be done at all
it’s the kind of theater
I want to do
It’s nauseating
what they’re doing these days
and especially what they’re doing with Shakespeare these days
for decades now the theaters are doing
the oldest kind of stock
it is an unbearable situation Beil
and this unbearable situation has to end
Is that so hard to understand
don’t you understand me Beil
BEIL (who has taken a bite from his schnitzel and at the same time has been shaking with fear of ticks, because he knows that on this hill there are millions of ticks which can inject meningitis and Lyme disease into the body)
Naturally
I understand you
naturally
PEYMANN (disappointed by BEIL he has taken the bottle of Gumpoldskirchner and does not intend to share it anymore)
We only have one way
to do theater
the way it’s never ever been done before
he has thought about it all his life
how to do theater
the way it’s never been done before
that’s what Bernhard said
I’ve been thinking all year
how one could do theater the way
it’s never been done before
BEIL (taking in the view of Vienna and biting into his schnitzel)
That’s absolutely horrifying Peymann
PEYMANN That’s not horrifying at all
now that I know exactly
what I have to do
what I have to perform
all of Shakespeare everything by Shakespeare
in one evening
in five hours
all of world theater which is to say the entire Shakespeare
as one single five-hour concentration
(his head drops on his chest, he is almost finished with his schnitzel
then he raises his head again)
I think I’ve got it
BEIL What
PEYMANN The objective the action
BEIL What objective what action
PEYMANN My theater
my Shakespeare
my future
my goal
my cosmic theater
BEIL (after he has polished off his schnitzel)
Delicious schnitzel
PEYMANN (after he has polished off his schnitzel)
I will stage all of Shakespeare
in one evening
that won’t last longer than
five hours
with the best actors in the world
with the best designers in the world
with the best audience in the world
at the Burgtheater of course
BEIL Naturally
a
t the Burgtheater Peymann
where else
PEYMANN Where else where else where else
(gets up and looks down at Vienna)
BEIL (also gets up and looks down at Vienna)
PEYMANN We’ll never find a beautiful city like this again
you hear me Beil
never again
And never again such a good audience
you hear Beil do you hear me
BEIL Naturally
I hear you
PEYMANN Come on
let’s go down to the city
(he goes down to the city)
BEIL (follows him, after he has picked up the pieces of paper in which the schnitzels had been wrapped and put them in the pockets of his trousers)
PEYMANN (stops at a picturesque viewing point)
To be honest my dear Beil
This whole year we’ve been in Vienna now
I haven’t slept a single night
BEIL Neither have I
PEYMANN I don’t know how long one can take this kind of sleeplessness
It’s a phenomenon
as far as I’m concerned
BEIL Same here
PEYMANN It seems to me the Viennese are full of hate
where others love
and where others are full of hate
they love
We haven’t quite got the knack of it my dear Beil
Last night I dreamed
Chancellor Vranitzky threw himself on me
and strangled me
and Mrs. Havlicek our Minister of Culture
smashed my head
with a brick
and Mayor Zilk kicked me in the ass
and before I lost consciousness
all the actors ridiculed me
And you my dear Beil
you closed my eyes
and shut my mouth
You brutally forced my jaws together
I’ve been dreaming all year
that I’m getting killed
the Viennese approach me from behind
they call my name and kill me
they lie in ambush everywhere
and hit me on the head
They trip me everywhere I turn
and hit me on the head
I am received by Chancellor Vranitzky
it is a trap
I am received by Minister of Culture Havlicek
it is a trap
I am received by the President of Actors’ Union
it is a trap
wherever I went
I walked into a trap
I came to Austria
and walked into a trap
I walked into the Burgtheater trap Beil
Don’t you ever dream such dreams Beil
aren’t you ever killed by the Viennese
BEIL (polishing his glasses and humming the Trout Quintet)
Naturally
PEYMANN What do you mean naturally
naturally
or naturally no
naturally yes
or naturally no
Christ you always use such dramaturg language Beil
talk to me normally for once
Do you have such dreams or not
doesn’t anybody kill you in your dreams
are you able to sleep calmly
as if this Viennese hell is none of your business
BEIL (after he has put his glasses back on and has been searching for the Burgtheater in the distance) My dear Peymann
My dreams are much more horrible than yours
I am followed by whole armies of playwrights
and actors during the night
armies of writing and acting dilettantes
armies of imbeciles
Because we’ve always aimed for the highest standards
and because we brought these standards with us to Vienna
I wake up every night screaming with terror
PEYMANN (questioning)
Screaming with terror
BEIL Every night I accept new plays
eight or nine plays a night
that’s what I accept every single night
we’d have to perform twelve plays every evening
if we were to perform all the plays
I accept every night
PEYMANN No kidding
BEIL And I audition eight thousand actors
and hire four thousand
PEYMANN No kidding
BEIL For Richard III I have looked at twenty-one portfolios
and bought forty-six set designs
PEYMANN What a nightmare
BEIL Pigheaded I shut down the Burgtheater for two weeks during the winter
and rented it out to a pedigree dog club from the suburbs
I told the actors
every single Burgtheater actor
to put a muzzle on you
and drive you that way with that muzzle through the center of the city
PEYMANN No kidding
BEIL I put a bowl of poisoned pea soup
in front of you
you ate it all
but you didn’t die
I forced you
to have Hamlet played by a monkey
I sold you the Burgtheater for seventy-three cents
because I thought it was mine
I climbed the pyramids of Giza with our actors
and I sent you a postcard from Giza
I have stirred the Burgtheater as if it were a pot of soup
I recast your Richard III completely different from what you wanted
I completely changed the casts of all the plays in the Burgtheater’s current repertoire
You walked toward an abyss
and I screamed turn back Peymann
but you kept walking
and you didn’t fall into the abyss
you walked on like Jesus Christ
you could walk through the air
Christ once I showed you my teeth
and you slapped my face in return
Suddenly there were only dramaturgs all over the stage
and only actors in all the dramaturgs’ offices
once I jumped on you and strangled you
you liked that
you didn’t even reprimand me
I am not leaving this place
you once screamed pathetically from the stage of the Burgtheater
I am going to die right here
then I said the word disgusting several times
but that didn’t faze you at all
You are a shameless bastard Mister Peymann
I yelled in your face several times
You are a megalomaniac
You are a theatrical abomination
that’s when you called me an intellectual hack
and you ordered me
to take Bernhard’s new play and throw it
in his face
PEYMANN No kidding
BEIL I’m coming with you wherever you go
until you’ll have destroyed yourself Peymann
I yelled at you from the balcony
during a rehearsal of Richard
In the end it still is just coffee-table theater art
that’s what I told you
a theatrical perversity
a dumbfounded theater nightmare
Once you threw your buttered bread at my feet and
I picked it up
but I knew why I picked it up
You kept saying
brilliance brilliance brilliance
but I didn’t hear it
I kept cutting all the plays
until nothing was left of them
I cut the entire dramatic world literature
and all you did was laugh at me
scornfully
I’ll never forget that laugh
PEYMANN Mrs. Havlicek our Minister of Culture
split my head with an ax
and Mayor Zilk kicked me in the ass
and the Burgtheater actors
our own actors laughed at me
and you my dear Beil my dramaturgical friend
you closed my eyes
the night before last I dreamed
that I was chased
through the center of Vienna Beil
dressed only in my underwear
the Viennese whipped me in front of the opera
and I escaped down Kaerntnerstrasse
to St. Stephen’s Cathedral where they hit me
even more brutally
I am only human
I am also only human I screamed desperately
that didn’t impress them
I ducked under their fists
and finally I managed to run into the cathedral
Wherever I went the Viennese were booing me
I don’t want to go back to Germany
I don’t want to go back to Germany I whimpered
that’s when they drove their knives into my back
I am the Finance Minister one of them said pathetically
and drove his knife into my back
my dear Beil
I too have dreams as you can see
but I am sure that your dreams
could never be compared to mine
A director’s dreams are not a dramturg’s dreams
(looks back up the hill)
A hilltop picnic once a week Beil
under the linden tree Beil
for our salvation
for our survival
We have underestimated the Viennese
they are much more malicious and much more malignant
than we thought
but they also know more about art than we thought
we always thought they knew nothing about art
and they would not be as malicious and malignant
but they are the most malicious and malignant species in the universe
I would’ve thought of everything but not
that I would ever be doing theater in Vienna
Had you ever thought of doing theater in Vienna
BEIL No
PEYMANN So now we’ve walked into the trap
the trap of our life
the trap of our existence
(they walk faster)
The dramaturg accuses the director
The director accuses the dramaturg
(they walk almost breathlessly)
But now that we are trapped
in the Burgtheater trap
we have to make the best of it
Everything by Shakespeare in one evening Beil
You remember now
take me at my word
and the sonnets as the center
as the center
we’ve been able to deal with every situation
we’ll be able to deal with Vienna my dear Beil
You closed my eyes
excellent dramaturgy you closed them Beil
They buried me in a mausoleum
and there was nothing I could do about it but before that they gave me many honorary titles and doctoral degrees
Radical Shadows Page 22