Radical Shadows

by Bradford Morrow

  that all the psychiatrists in Vienna would issue an order

  to have them committed to a speech class for beginners

  where they’d be stuck for the rest of their lives

  because of their incompetence

  He could also imagine

  that in an instant the Burgtheater could become

  a national mental institution

  for those who have proved themselves incurable

  so that overnight Vienna would have

  its only mental institution on Ringstrasse

  right across from City Hall

  and the Director of this mental institution

  where no one can be cured

  would be Vienna’s mayor Mr. Zilk

  who as we all know

  resides right across from our Burgtheater

  Vienna’s mayor will simply be appointed director

  of the only government-approved mental institution for the performing arts

  that’s really very simple

  the Burgtheater could also be left as is and turned into

  a theater museum and instead of the actors

  there could be wax figures on stage

  and wax figures in the audience

  and every two hours the curtain would rise

  and the wax figures on stage would bow

  and the wax figures in the audience would applaud

  and then the curtain would fall again

  (he bites into his schnitzel)

  that would be Bernhard’s ideal theater

  Bernhard also said

  that the Burgtheater would make an ideal

  coffee-processing factory

  and that the Austrian government should make the appropriate offer

  to its most popular coffee firm Meinl

  the Burgtheater even looks like an old-fashioned

  coffee-processing factory

  with its two fireplaces

  where the coffee could be roasted

  don’t ever listen to Bernhard Beil

  don’t listen to Bernhard

  that arrogant theater monster

  Shakespeare

  as he’s never been done before

  the way I’ve just indicated Beil

  the way I actually have him in mind Beil

  the way I’ll stage him Beil

  you hear me Beil

  do you hear me

  BEIL (who has just taken a bite from his schnitzel)

  Naturally

  PEYMANN All I ever get from you is your

  naturally

  if for once you’d say artificially

  artificially Beil artificially Beil artificially

  everything in this world is artificial Beil

  artificial artificial Beil artificial

  while with you everything is always natural

  it drives me crazy

  I really needed this

  climbing up here on this hill

  to discuss The Tempest with you

  and all I get is your naturally

  all I ever get from anybody is this

  naturally

  everyone around me keeps saying naturally

  while what they should be saying all the time is artificially

  (bites into his schnitzel)

  That’s why I had to come up here

  to eat my schnitzel

  and to hear you say nothing but naturally

  For Christ’s sake Beil

  say artificially for once

  and say it a million times every day if you must

  but stop saying naturally

  there’s nothing left that’s natural

  and in Vienna least of all

  I wanted to do The Tempest

  and I’m going to do all of Shakespeare

  all of Shakespeare

  that’s too much for dramaturgy Beil

  too much for dramaturgy

  dramaturgy is not equipped for the theater

  I envision

  it’s not for the theater I want to do

  let’s just say

  that for that kind of theater dramaturgy per se is too simplistic

  if not to say

  that it simply is too stupid

  for that kind of theater

  all dramaturgs wherever they may be

  simply are too stupid

  (bites into his schnitzel)

  When I watch you how you bite into your schnitzel

  I think

  that this won’t do for all of Shakespeare

  and in fact it certainly won’t do for all of Shakespeare

  for one Shakespeare yes for The Tempest yes

  even for Macbeth if you insist

  but not for all of Shakespeare

  (bites into his schnitzel)

  Shakespeare the way he’s always been done

  can’t be done that way anymore

  everywhere they’re doing Shakespeare these days

  the way he can’t be done anymore

  theater all over the world is megalomaniac hack theater

  hack dramaturgs hack directors hack actors

  If theater can still be done at all

  it’s the kind of theater

  I want to do

  It’s nauseating

  what they’re doing these days

  and especially what they’re doing with Shakespeare these days

  for decades now the theaters are doing

  the oldest kind of stock

  it is an unbearable situation Beil

  and this unbearable situation has to end

  Is that so hard to understand

  don’t you understand me Beil

  BEIL (who has taken a bite from his schnitzel and at the same time has been shaking with fear of ticks, because he knows that on this hill there are millions of ticks which can inject meningitis and Lyme disease into the body)

  Naturally

  I understand you

  naturally

  PEYMANN (disappointed by BEIL he has taken the bottle of Gumpoldskirchner and does not intend to share it anymore)

  We only have one way

  to do theater

  the way it’s never ever been done before

  he has thought about it all his life

  how to do theater

  the way it’s never been done before

  that’s what Bernhard said

  I’ve been thinking all year

  how one could do theater the way

  it’s never been done before

  BEIL (taking in the view of Vienna and biting into his schnitzel)

  That’s absolutely horrifying Peymann

  PEYMANN That’s not horrifying at all

  now that I know exactly

  what I have to do

  what I have to perform

  all of Shakespeare everything by Shakespeare

  in one evening

  in five hours

  all of world theater which is to say the entire Shakespeare

  as one single five-hour concentration

  (his head drops on his chest, he is almost finished with his schnitzel

  then he raises his head again)

  I think I’ve got it

  BEIL What

  PEYMANN The objective the action

  BEIL What objective what action

  PEYMANN My theater

  my Shakespeare

  my future

  my goal

  my cosmic theater

  BEIL (after he has polished off his schnitzel)

  Delicious schnitzel

  PEYMANN (after he has polished off his schnitzel)

  I will stage all of Shakespeare

  in one evening

  that won’t last longer than

  five hours

  with the best actors in the world

  with the best designers in the world

  with the best audience in the world

  at the Burgtheater of course

  BEIL Naturally

  a
t the Burgtheater Peymann

  where else

  PEYMANN Where else where else where else

  (gets up and looks down at Vienna)

  BEIL (also gets up and looks down at Vienna)

  PEYMANN We’ll never find a beautiful city like this again

  you hear me Beil

  never again

  And never again such a good audience

  you hear Beil do you hear me

  BEIL Naturally

  I hear you

  PEYMANN Come on

  let’s go down to the city

  (he goes down to the city)

  BEIL (follows him, after he has picked up the pieces of paper in which the schnitzels had been wrapped and put them in the pockets of his trousers)

  PEYMANN (stops at a picturesque viewing point)

  To be honest my dear Beil

  This whole year we’ve been in Vienna now

  I haven’t slept a single night

  BEIL Neither have I

  PEYMANN I don’t know how long one can take this kind of sleeplessness

  It’s a phenomenon

  as far as I’m concerned

  BEIL Same here

  PEYMANN It seems to me the Viennese are full of hate

  where others love

  and where others are full of hate

  they love

  We haven’t quite got the knack of it my dear Beil

  Last night I dreamed

  Chancellor Vranitzky threw himself on me

  and strangled me

  and Mrs. Havlicek our Minister of Culture

  smashed my head

  with a brick

  and Mayor Zilk kicked me in the ass

  and before I lost consciousness

  all the actors ridiculed me

  And you my dear Beil

  you closed my eyes

  and shut my mouth

  You brutally forced my jaws together

  I’ve been dreaming all year

  that I’m getting killed

  the Viennese approach me from behind

  they call my name and kill me

  they lie in ambush everywhere

  and hit me on the head

  They trip me everywhere I turn

  and hit me on the head

  I am received by Chancellor Vranitzky

  it is a trap

  I am received by Minister of Culture Havlicek

  it is a trap

  I am received by the President of Actors’ Union

  it is a trap

  wherever I went

  I walked into a trap

  I came to Austria

  and walked into a trap

  I walked into the Burgtheater trap Beil

  Don’t you ever dream such dreams Beil

  aren’t you ever killed by the Viennese

  BEIL (polishing his glasses and humming the Trout Quintet)

  Naturally

  PEYMANN What do you mean naturally

  naturally

  or naturally no

  naturally yes

  or naturally no

  Christ you always use such dramaturg language Beil

  talk to me normally for once

  Do you have such dreams or not

  doesn’t anybody kill you in your dreams

  are you able to sleep calmly

  as if this Viennese hell is none of your business

  BEIL (after he has put his glasses back on and has been searching for the Burgtheater in the distance) My dear Peymann

  My dreams are much more horrible than yours

  I am followed by whole armies of playwrights

  and actors during the night

  armies of writing and acting dilettantes

  armies of imbeciles

  Because we’ve always aimed for the highest standards

  and because we brought these standards with us to Vienna

  I wake up every night screaming with terror

  PEYMANN (questioning)

  Screaming with terror

  BEIL Every night I accept new plays

  eight or nine plays a night

  that’s what I accept every single night

  we’d have to perform twelve plays every evening

  if we were to perform all the plays

  I accept every night

  PEYMANN No kidding

  BEIL And I audition eight thousand actors

  and hire four thousand

  PEYMANN No kidding

  BEIL For Richard III I have looked at twenty-one portfolios

  and bought forty-six set designs

  PEYMANN What a nightmare

  BEIL Pigheaded I shut down the Burgtheater for two weeks during the winter

  and rented it out to a pedigree dog club from the suburbs

  I told the actors

  every single Burgtheater actor

  to put a muzzle on you

  and drive you that way with that muzzle through the center of the city

  PEYMANN No kidding

  BEIL I put a bowl of poisoned pea soup

  in front of you

  you ate it all

  but you didn’t die

  I forced you

  to have Hamlet played by a monkey

  I sold you the Burgtheater for seventy-three cents

  because I thought it was mine

  I climbed the pyramids of Giza with our actors

  and I sent you a postcard from Giza

  I have stirred the Burgtheater as if it were a pot of soup

  I recast your Richard III completely different from what you wanted

  I completely changed the casts of all the plays in the Burgtheater’s current repertoire

  You walked toward an abyss

  and I screamed turn back Peymann

  but you kept walking

  and you didn’t fall into the abyss

  you walked on like Jesus Christ

  you could walk through the air

  Christ once I showed you my teeth

  and you slapped my face in return

  Suddenly there were only dramaturgs all over the stage

  and only actors in all the dramaturgs’ offices

  once I jumped on you and strangled you

  you liked that

  you didn’t even reprimand me

  I am not leaving this place

  you once screamed pathetically from the stage of the Burgtheater

  I am going to die right here

  then I said the word disgusting several times

  but that didn’t faze you at all

  You are a shameless bastard Mister Peymann

  I yelled in your face several times

  You are a megalomaniac

  You are a theatrical abomination

  that’s when you called me an intellectual hack

  and you ordered me

  to take Bernhard’s new play and throw it

  in his face

  PEYMANN No kidding

  BEIL I’m coming with you wherever you go

  until you’ll have destroyed yourself Peymann

  I yelled at you from the balcony

  during a rehearsal of Richard

  In the end it still is just coffee-table theater art

  that’s what I told you

  a theatrical perversity

  a dumbfounded theater nightmare

  Once you threw your buttered bread at my feet and

  I picked it up

  but I knew why I picked it up

  You kept saying

  brilliance brilliance brilliance

  but I didn’t hear it

  I kept cutting all the plays

  until nothing was left of them

  I cut the entire dramatic world literature

  and all you did was laugh at me

  scornfully

  I’ll never forget that laugh

  PEYMANN Mrs. Havlicek our Minister of Culture

  split my head with an ax

  and Mayor Zilk kicked me in the ass
/>   and at the same time he drove a stiletto into my back

  and the Burgtheater actors

  our own actors laughed at me

  and you my dear Beil my dramaturgical friend

  you closed my eyes

  the night before last I dreamed

  that I was chased

  through the center of Vienna Beil

  dressed only in my underwear

  the Viennese whipped me in front of the opera

  and I escaped down Kaerntnerstrasse

  to St. Stephen’s Cathedral where they hit me

  even more brutally

  I am only human

  I am also only human I screamed desperately

  that didn’t impress them

  I ducked under their fists

  and finally I managed to run into the cathedral

  Wherever I went the Viennese were booing me

  I don’t want to go back to Germany

  I don’t want to go back to Germany I whimpered

  that’s when they drove their knives into my back

  I am the Finance Minister one of them said pathetically

  and drove his knife into my back

  my dear Beil

  I too have dreams as you can see

  but I am sure that your dreams

  could never be compared to mine

  A director’s dreams are not a dramturg’s dreams

  (looks back up the hill)

  A hilltop picnic once a week Beil

  under the linden tree Beil

  for our salvation

  for our survival

  We have underestimated the Viennese

  they are much more malicious and much more malignant

  than we thought

  but they also know more about art than we thought

  we always thought they knew nothing about art

  and they would not be as malicious and malignant

  but they are the most malicious and malignant species in the universe

  I would’ve thought of everything but not

  that I would ever be doing theater in Vienna

  Had you ever thought of doing theater in Vienna

  BEIL No

  PEYMANN So now we’ve walked into the trap

  the trap of our life

  the trap of our existence

  (they walk faster)

  The dramaturg accuses the director

  The director accuses the dramaturg

  (they walk almost breathlessly)

  But now that we are trapped

  in the Burgtheater trap

  we have to make the best of it

  Everything by Shakespeare in one evening Beil

  You remember now

  take me at my word

  and the sonnets as the center

  as the center

  we’ve been able to deal with every situation

  we’ll be able to deal with Vienna my dear Beil

  You closed my eyes

  excellent dramaturgy you closed them Beil

  They buried me in a mausoleum

  and there was nothing I could do about it but before that they gave me many honorary titles and doctoral degrees