He jolted. “There’s nothing wrong–”
“There’s a lot wrong, Fitz,” she interrupted. “Don’t bullshit me. You think I don’t know the signs of alcoholism? You think you’re the first military retiree I’ve been around? I work in a hospital. I’ve seen this before.”
“It helps me get to sleep...”
“No, masturbation helps people get to sleep. Drinking clears the mind.” Zuly moved until she could peer up at him. “What are you running from?”
He wanted to tell her. Right then and there. Wanted to trust her with it. The open way she stared at him, like he had all the answers. made the words dredge up on his tongue, ready for release. Fitz could’ve. He should’ve. But he didn’t. If she looked at him with that same horror, disgust...
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he stated calmly.
“Fitz–”
“Jesus, Z, I said let it go!” Fitz snapped.
Her eyes turned hard; the stare she gave felt like shards of glass were digging under his skin. “Fine.” Her voice was flat, emotionless as she tried to pull away.
He just held tighter.
“Let me go, Fitz.”
Shaking his head, he pulled her closer. “I can’t.” It wasn’t a lie. He was a selfish bastard but he couldn’t let her walk away from him. At some point he’d grow a pair and talk to her, tell her everything. But this wasn’t that point. It made him feel like the biggest coward but if he could just have her all to himself, smiling and laughing like this, things would be all right. He’d be all right. “If I do, you’ll fall and probably end up with splinters in the ass...again,” Fitz joked.
Her elbow hit him in the side. “That was one time, you jackass.”
“Yes,” he agreed. “One time that I had to venture into enemy territory. I think that scarred me more than my first year of boot camp.” It hadn’t. If anything, the sight of just one of Zuly’s bare cheeks had kept him up most nights. Had also helped when he was in need of visual stimulation and could get a few minutes by himself.
She gasped. “My ass is not enemy territory.”
“Sweetheart, anything that angry and red-looking...is not my friend.”
Turning, Zuly gave him a stare of disbelief. “Then I’m going to make the assumption that you have an awfully distant relationship with your cock.”
He barked a laugh before he could stop himself. “You’re a dirty, dirty lady, Zuly Hines.”
She waggled her brows. “You’ve no idea.”
But damned if he didn’t want to find out. His gaze strayed to her mouth and stayed there. How many years had he been watching that mouth? How many times had he stroked himself, imagining those lips wrapped around him, sucking him dry? How many chaste kisses had he pressed there, making sure not to linger too long for fear of letting his true feelings show? How many women had he lain with, pretending they were her?
“No,” Fitz said gruffly, “I don’t.” Leaning in, he watched the way her eyes slightly widened, saw the way those lips parted to emit the smallest gasp. Then he kissed her...on the forehead. “Because I’m an untouched virgin who knows how to stay away from dirty, dirty ladies.”
She burst out laughing and slapped his arm. “Lies! You haven’t been a virgin since H-Town was still together.”
He began to sing “Knockin’ Da Boots” as Zuly chuckled. She had tears streaming down her cheeks as she begged him to stop. With a grin, Fitz ran his fingers down her sides. “You’re not so innocent, Hines. I know I’m not the only one of us who’s done some defiling.”
Zuly froze, cleared her throat. “Uh...yeah...sure...a lot of defiling...I’ve cut a swath through West Virginia...”
That particular description should’ve pissed him off. But...something was off here. She wasn’t looking him in the eye and was she... “Z, are you blushing?”
Her creamy, dark skin deepened at her cheeks. He felt her face and, sure enough, it was hot enough to melt ice. “You are! You’re blushing!”
She sat up. “I am not.” Throwing her legs over the side of the hammock, she tried to stand. “You ready to go back?”
“Unh-unh,” Fitz kicked them off into another rock, sending Zuly tumbling back into his chest. He twisted her until they faced one another. “Why do you suddenly seem so uncomfortable?”
Her lips twisted and still she wouldn’t look at him. She always looked at him. “Zuly...are you a virgin?”
Her head snapped up. “No!” She looked around. “But I haven’t exactly...this shit is embarrassing.”
“What is?”
“This.” She waved a hand between the two of them. “Talking to you about my sex life was not on my to-do list today.” Peering at him through her lashes, she swallowed and said, “One time...in college, and I hated it. He didn’t know what he was doing and I–”
Fitz put his hand against her mouth and asked in a low voice, “Did he hurt you?”
Zuly shook her head slowly.
He released a pent-up breath. Fitz was by no means innocent, so he’d be a hypocrite to be angry about her having a life while he was gone. But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t have found the fucker and ripped his head off before shitting down his neck had she said he hurt her. Yeah, he was a Cro-Magnon. And totally okay with that. At the end of the day, she still belonged to him whether she knew it or not. She could’ve said she’d fucked all of West Virginia and he wouldn’t have cared as long as she’d been safe and taken care of. Didn’t matter who’d been in her body. Fitz would be the owner of her heart someday.
She took his hand off her mouth. “No, Fitz.”
He blinked innocently. “No, what?”
“I’m not telling you his name.”
Fitz’s brows lowered. “I’d only talk to him.”
Zuly gave him a deadpan stare. “The same way you only talked to Darien Wilson after you saw him slap me on the ass in ninth grade?”
His brows winged. “Z, were you not taught in biology that communication can be accomplished through body language? Body slamming Darien on the cement was my way of communicating that being grabby was a good way of getting fucked up beyond all recognition.”
“Sixteen years after that small psychotic episode, and you still don’t see anything wrong with it.” She stared at him in awe. “If it weren’t illegal, I’d probably try for my doctorate by unscrewing your head and studying your gray matter.”
“We’re gonna get up from the hammock now and pretend this conversation never took place,” Fitz said slowly.
She shrugged. “Okay.”
***
“Rise and shine, cupcake!”
“Ah!” Zuly jerked upwards from her previous resting position against a table in the nurses’ lounge as Gabriela Carrigan leaned back from bellowing in her ear and slapped a thermos down in front of her. The lounge coffee was shit, and the Brazilian side of Zuly’s friend was offended enough to apparently make her own every day. Even though she, herself, could no longer drink it being that she was now pregnant, Gabriela still brought Zuly a thermos. Cracking it open, Zuly took a sip while glaring at the other woman. She couldn’t help the sigh of utter contentment that left her at the taste of caffeine and hazelnut cream. “If I weren’t using you for your coffee...I’d kill you.”
One of Gabriela’s delicate brows rose as she took a seat across from Zuly. “Face it, Z. You enjoy the sunshine that is me far too much to dim the only light in your lonely little life.”
Some form of decorum should’ve kept her from leaning back and saying, “Fuck you,” but at the moment she had no decorum, damn it. She was exhausted and had at least another three hours on her shift. Not to mention her ass hurt from falling out of that goddamn hammock with Fitz earlier. Her lips curved on one side. Zuly wasn’t stupid. That little walk was only the beginning of a long, hard war with Fitz’s pride, but giving up wasn’t in her DNA. Before she’d left to get ready for work she’d cooked for him and made him swear that if he got the urge to drink again he’d call her.
“Swear it,” Zuly had said, not backing down from the glare he shot her. “Swear it, Fitz, or I’ll make that wakeup call you got this morning look like a gentle rocking, lullaby from Nana Carrigan.”
His lip had curled. “Fine. I swear it.”
“Say the words.”
“I swear I’ll call you before I drink again. Happy now?”
She’d grinned, patted him on the cheek, and headed down the porch steps. “Not yet, but I will be.” Zuly had ignored him when he called after her, bellowing about how demanding she was. He hadn’t seen anything yet.
“Gabby?”
“Yes, my sweet little muffin?” Gabriela answered, eyes focused on the tablet in her hands as she ran down her patient list.
“When was the last time Fitz came to a family dinner?”
That got the other woman’s attention. Having been married to Fitz’s older brother for the last ten years, Gabriela was very well aware of the damage his seclusion had caused.
“He hasn’t,” Zuly’s friend answered. “Riley and the boys have tried everything to draw him out, but he refuses to come to the door or to talk or to call Mom,” she said in reference to Miriam Carrigan. “It’s like he’s on another planet.”
Zuly tugged at her scrubs. “I saw him today.”
Gabriela’s brows almost touched her hairline. “For how long before he slammed the door in your face?”
She snorted. “I have a key. He’d never be able to do that shit and get away with it.”
“Riley has a key too,” Gabriela replied slyly. “But funny enough, he doesn’t use it. Now I wonder how you managed to get away with that.” She leered. “You didn’t happen to do your pop-up visit in your naughty clothes, did you?”
Zuly shot her a look. “I don’t have naughty clothes.”
Her friend gave her that same look right back. “Do we need to refer to the Halloween pictures of 2005?”
“You said you burned those!”
“I also said I’d be happy about having another one of Riley’s melon-headed babies slide through the delicate walls of my birthing canal.”
Zuly smirked. “You’ve got four kids. The delicacy ended a while ago, sweetheart.”
“Oh, fuck you.” Gabriela laughed. “What exactly took place when you raided Carrigan camp? Was he naked?” She waggled her brows and Zuly chuckled. “Was there morning glory, standing at attention?”
“Yes...but I didn’t look.”
“Oh, c’mon! You should’ve looked and told me the sordid details!”
“Aren’t you married?”
“Did I sign over my eyesight the day I said my vows?” Gabriela waved her hands in front of her own face. “Oh, look, my ability to see men I wanna do filthy things to is still there!”
“Keep your eyes on your own Carrigan, Gabby.”
The other woman pouted. “I never get to have any fun.”
“From the looks of your stomach, I’d say you’re having plenty.”
Gabriela waved a hand. “Semantics.” She drummed her fingers on the table. “So how’s he doing?”
Zuly sighed, debating how much to tell her. “He’s all right. Just seems really sad. That’s not a surprise to me. But there’s something bothering him that he won’t tell me about.”
Patting Zuly’s hand, Gabriela said, “It hurts.”
She blinked back sudden tears. “He won’t talk to me. I could understand if it were something small but...it’s me. He used to talk to me about everything.”
“Give it some time, Z,” Gabriela softly retorted. “All he needs is a little incentive to remember he can trust you. Don’t give up on him yet.”
Sucking in a huge breath, Zuly stood. “I hadn’t planned to.” She ran her fingers through Gabriela’s locks as she started past her and out of the lounge. “Let Miriam know I won’t be missing out on dinner this Sunday.” A thought suddenly occurred to Zuly. “And tell her Fitz will be there too.”
Gabriela smirked. “Now will you admit you have naughty clothes? That’s the only way you’re getting Fitz off that damn mountain.”
Zuly grinned. “Believe me when I say he’s going...whether he likes it or not.”
Chapter Five
“No.”
“But Fitz–”
“No.”
“Why can’t you just–”
“Zuly,” Fitz cut into her next sentence, staring at her like she was Satan himself. “I’m. Not. Going.”
Frustration built, threatening to spill over. Instead she just sucked in a huge breath. “Fine.” She couldn’t win every battle; wouldn’t win every battle. So what was the point of standing there and arguing with him? Zuly couldn’t make him do anything. She’d talked herself up into the stunt she pulled days ago but she realized something vital–the only reason Fitz had continued with their little routine was because he wanted to, not because she intimidated him into doing so. Backing away from his front door, she started down the steps.
“Where are you going?” he called after her.
She kept walking. “To dinner.”
His brows lowered. “At my parents’?”
Zuly shrugged. “Where else?”
“Without me?”
Casting him a look over her shoulder as she stopped, she asked, “Do you want me to stay here, Fitz?”
Suddenly he didn’t know how to make eye contact. “What if I said yes?”
“I’d tell you no.”
His head jerked up, and Zuly folded her arms across her chest. “If you wanna play the inbred recluse with possible dead bodies buried on his property, that’s fine. But you’re not dragging me into your own version of Deliverance.”
Fitz’s gaze narrowed on her. “Fine.” Then he backed up and slammed the door.
Resisting the urge to do exactly what he wanted her to and stay with him, she let out a heartfelt sigh and started for her SUV. Zuly could drive herself insane worrying about him, or she could get him to realize exactly how deadly loneliness really was.
The days had come and gone in a blur, each morning not enough time together, every night spent sleeplessly, wondering if he’d call her should he need her. There weren’t any huge changes to his demeanor. He was still as closed as ever, only talking about what they’d done as kids or basic media bullshit. But he’d shaved and had brushed his hair. That was a start, right?
Their walks had gotten longer and his smiles a little more frequent, but still, it wasn’t enough. It was like he was punishing himself; like he was ashamed of something. For what or why, Zuly didn’t know, but it was eating at her to find out.
“Auntie Z!”
A slow grin tipped up the edges of her lips as she pulled into the driveway of the modest two-story home Fitz’s parents had owned for the last twenty years or so. Just a few feet away Gabriela and Riley’s youngest girl stood bouncing around, brown eyes huge in her small, heart-shaped face.
Zuly climbed out of her SUV and stooped, waiting for Maria to charge her like she always did. The scent of baby powder teased her nostrils as she spun the three-year-old around, while laughing. “Ah, there’s my big girl.”
Maria nodded, hair flying everywhere. “Yup...where’s my stuff?”
Hands suddenly plucked the little girl from Zuly. “How many times do we have to go over this, child? You greet first, ask for presents later,” Gabriela chastised. “You soften them up then go for the kill. Jesus...”
“Why are you teaching this child your satanic ways?” Zuly questioned, grabbing three different containers from the back seat.
“Because if you teach them young, you can get rich later.”
“I’m telling Riley you said that.”
Gabriela shrugged as they walked up the front steps and through the open door. “Go ahead. It was his idea to begin with. He already has a ten-year plan laid out for the boys.”
“Lord on high...”
“I smell more food!” one voice yelled from just beyond the hallway before three sets of ungodly sized feet came
running.
“Stop running in the house!” Miriam Carrigan shouted after her sons as they all came to a stop in front of Zuly.
“Z.” Cael pressed a hand to his own chest. “My heart, the light of my life, the one I breathe for–”
“The smell of bull is starting to choke us all,” Sullivan stated, shoving Cael away and into the sofa. “Shaddup and sit down.” A face that was so similar to Fitz’s they could’ve been twins turned to Zuly and grinned. “Now that the ugly one is out of the way–”
“You mother–”
“Not in my house, Cael!” Miriam cut her third-youngest son off, shouting from the kitchen.
Cael sat back, rubbing between his brows with his middle finger.
“–you can give all your attention to me,” Sullivan finally finished, grinning from ear to ear.
“You only want me for my food,” Zuly pointed out, holding up the containers of red velvet whoopie pies, homemade mac and cheese and green bean casserole.
“But I want you, and that’s all that matters here.”
One huge hand came down on Sullivan’s head before it abruptly moved him and the rest of his oversized body into the same place Cael was–on the couch and out of view.
“Rude!” he bellowed from beside his brother.
Riley stood there, brow quirked. “I could give you the pleasantries, I could ask for the containers or I could make you want to give me the containers. Which shall it be?”
“Now I remember why I’m pregnant again,” Gabriela murmured before heading for the kitchen, Maria still firmly tucked away in her arms. “Sounds exactly like what he said four months ago.”
Disturbed now from that particular imagery, Zuly simply handed the containers over.
“Thank you so very much.” Riley beamed before walking after his wife.
Feeling eyes staring at her, Zuly turned her head to find Cael and Sullivan glaring. “What?” She shrugged. “He’s enigmatic.”
“He’s an asshole,” Cael replied.
“A huge asshole,” Sullivan added.
“Stop pouting and come eat.”
Both got to their gigantic booted feet.
A SEAL's Heart Page 4