‘Oh, well, that casts an entirely different light on the matter.’ Noah grinned. ‘In that case, Elle, please say yes.’
‘Okay. Chips and cheap booze it is.’ She smiled. ‘Now, the reason I came in – we’ve run out of caramel syrup. I can’t find any in the storeroom.’
‘I’ll be there in a minute and check when the next delivery is due,’ said Noah.
She nodded and disappeared, humming ‘Let It Go’. Noah jumped up.
‘Right, a stock-take and then I’m going to suss out a new bean supplier I’ve heard of. He sells a Vietnamese brand that is supposed to taste like chocolate.’
‘Don’t you ever rest? Sit down? Do nothing? Take a holiday?’
‘I prefer to keep busy,’ he said.
‘Hmm. My mum was like that whenever she had a problem. If she ever had an argument with me or Dad, within hours the house would be dusted and vacuumed to within an inch of its life.’
‘I did go camping, earlier in the spring.’
‘With Elle?’
‘No. She stayed here to run the place. I went on my own.’
‘Wasn’t that lonely?’
‘Nope. I spend all day every day with other people. It was good to recharge the batteries.’
I fiddled with my chunky necklace. ‘I hope … I mean with April and me here this place must seem crowded. If you ever change your mind about us staying …’
‘I like you both here,’ he interrupted. ‘The laughter. The banter. It’s good. Don’t read too much into my camping trip. I just needed some me-time.’
Getting to know Noah really was like reading a book. Like a page-turner, the more I learnt about him, the more I wanted to know. I hoped, by the end, I would have a full story and not be left with a cliffhanger.
‘And talking of camping, I heard about this zookeeper plan for Friday night and I’ve got an idea to make it even better.’
‘Thanks, Noah. That’s really kind and I don’t want to seem ungrateful but fulfilling that wish list is something I really want to organise on my own. Martini is providing some pets, but this is really about me proving to April that we can be happy with our different life.’
‘Don’t be stubborn. Take all the help you can get. You came up with the wish list idea and sorted out the basics of this zoo treat, and my plan isn’t going to cost anything extra.’
This was true. And I did so want April to have a fun time. Even if it meant she eventually decided to go back to her own school, I knew that making these wishes come true in the most amazing way possible would offer her turbulent little world some comfort at the moment.
‘Okay.’
‘The weather is still due to be great from tomorrow until Saturday. Why not set up part of the zoo in my tent, in the back garden, instead of the lounge. I could even start the barbecue and April could help flame some chicken.’
A memory flashed into my mind of a camping holiday I’d enjoyed as a kid. Eating al fresco. Sitting up late under the stars. I’d enjoyed it – as a child. But now, what about the creepy-crawlies and uncomfortable bed? What about them? asked an unsympathetic voice in my head. And it was right. My choices were limited. Stepping out of my comfort zone now had to be the order of the day.
‘Noah! That’s a fantastic idea.’ I thought for a second. ‘In fact, she and I could sleep out in the garden overnight. That would be a real adventure. We’ve always holidayed in hotels.’
He gave me the thumbs-up. ‘I’ll get it down from the loft tonight. Perhaps tomorrow morning, after our run, we could put it up, to let it air.’
For the first time in weeks I looked forward to the next day.
Humming to myself, I headed up to the loft, knocked gently on the door, and went in. April sat on the bed gazing into the hand mirror. I sat down next to her.
‘I’m sorry about the shock, darling. It’s going to take me a while to get used to the new look too.’
She put the mirror down, turned to face me, and stared. ‘It’s okay. I like the red streak. Can I have one?’
I smiled. ‘No. I don’t think your headmistress would approve.’
‘But if I’m good about going to school next week, my second wish on the list was a celebrity makeover. I might want a whole new look.’
I took her hand. ‘Yes. But why copy me, a celebrity, or anyone? My hair today – this was about me finding my own style that reflected how I feel inside. After all, that should be what hair, make-up, and clothes are really about.’
‘Did you learn that when you studied fashion?’
‘No. I think it’s just common sense. It’s like when you’re feeling down, you might not brush your hair or bother with fancy outfits. When you are up, you might put on a bright top and a new pair of shoes. Our appearance says a lot about us. What’s the reason you like designer clothes? They are very fashionable, aren’t they? And quite smart. Which is fine,’ I hastily added, ‘if that is really your own style, from your heart.’
April thought for a moment. ‘Guess I’ve just wanted what Skye and the other girls wear.’
‘To fit in?’
She nodded.
‘But there is nothing wrong with being different. You know, I read a magazine in the hairdresser’s today. There was an old interview with Kim Kardashian.’
April sat up.
‘She said something about hoping to inspire women to be the best version of themselves that they can be – not anyone else.’
‘I’d never really thought about it,’ said April. ‘But Daddy and Gran have always worked in fashion. I just thought this way of dressing, that it was a family thing as well. And Elite Eleganz – isn’t it all about making cheaper clothes that look like top makes? As if everyone should really be trying to dress like celebrities?
My ears felt hot. ‘Is that what you think? No, darling, it’s just that some people love those sorts of outfits and can’t afford the real thing. The business isn’t saying how anyone should dress.’ I cocked my head to one side. ‘I guess I kind of thought that too though, sweetie – when I first got married. But I’ve being doing a lot of thinking lately and I’m not sure I’ve been true to myself.’ I shrugged. ‘I mean, Granny never wore tight dresses or designer labels.’
April smiled. ‘No. She liked colourful scarves and long patterned tops from that Saturday market in London. I just thought that was Granny style.’
I grinned. ‘No. Elite Eleganz was her job, her business, but it didn’t mean she felt she should dress like the style of the clothes she sold. So before next week, next Friday, your next wish, think very carefully about who is the real you and what you’d like to wear.’
She leaned towards me. ‘I wouldn’t tell Skye, but sometimes I wish I could just wear any old clothes and get them creased and dirty.’
My chest glowed. Perhaps there really were positives to Zak’s betrayal, if it meant both April and I were going to discover our true identities. I bit my lip. Or was that nonsense? Was our true destiny to belong to the jet set? To enjoy fancy holidays, extravagant shopping trips, and champagne on tap? I glanced around the small bedroom, which had felt claustrophobic at first. Were there plusses to a simpler life?
Like … like …
Okay – I had to think for a moment. But then a really important one came to mind. The Willows was so big that April could be in and our paths wouldn’t cross all afternoon as her bedroom had everything she needed – an en suite bathroom, a telly, even a mini fridge for drinks and snacks. Whereas Noah’s cottage was so small she was usually within talking distance, if not sight. And I loved waking up in the mornings and watching her sleep for a moment, before her eyes would open and in between yawns we’d discuss the day ahead.
‘And talking of dirt, I have an extra surprise for Friday night, if you carry on coping so well with your new school: the zookeeper experience will be in the garden, with a tent! We’ll muck down and camp out overnight. What do you think?’
‘Camping? Will we ha
ve our own toilet and pretty curtains like in the photos of that tent Skye and Chanelle stayed in last year?’
I laughed. ‘No. They went glamping – a far more glamorous version of what we’ll be doing. But it’ll be fun, right?’
‘Will there be exotic animals?’
I cleared my throat. ‘Um … there might be.’
She stared at me for a moment. ‘I’ll try to really enjoy it, Mummy, and …’ Her voice broke. ‘Sorry.’
‘What for?’
‘I’ve been horrible to you and …’ her eyes glistened ‘… I’ve been thinking, lately – and just now – Daddy was the one who left you. I wanted to stay in The Willows because of all the nice things and that’s made me see you as the baddie, but …’ a tear trickled down her face ‘… Daddy cheated on you – with your friend. I didn’t think about that at the beginning. My mind was all full with sad thoughts about me leaving my friends. I’ve never really thought about what it’s been like for you.’
My insides tightened. Oh how I wanted to protect April from the rawness of adult life.
‘You’ve done nothing wrong,’ she continued, fists curled. ‘I don’t want to spend time with him at the weekend. I like this cottage and Noah and Elle are nice and … and we’ll be all right,’ she said, bravely.
My eyes pricked as her words touched my sense of injustice too. I held her close and longed to say, yes, you are right. Your dad’s a complete bastard who can’t keep his fly done up. But my resentment, any warring, or bitterness – it would eat away at her, whilst she ate less and less. I took a deep breath. ‘Daddy didn’t plan this. Stuff just happens sometimes. Yes, it hurt me, sweetie, but he loves you very much and will always be in our lives. People make mistakes.’ I gritted my teeth. Big elephant-sized mistakes that trample over the feelings of those they are supposed to love. ‘Humans aren’t perfect.’
‘But he was your husband.’
I gulped and disguised it quickly with a cough. I released her from my embrace and, forcing back the tears threatening behind my eyelids, gazed into her face. ‘Yes, but love is an uncontrollable thing and sometimes feelings for people, they take you by surprise.’
‘Like the way I prefer one of my guinea pigs to the other? I try to be fair but Dandelion is so cute when she lies on her back.’
I gave a small smile. ‘Yes. It’s a bit like that.’
She nodded and appeared satisfied with that explanation for the moment. My heart squeezed as her shoulders remained slumped. ‘You can always talk to me about this stuff, you know, sweetheart. It won’t upset me. Don’t bottle it up.’ The thought of her holding in all her fears tore me apart.
‘Miss read us a book yesterday about a boy whose mum and dad split. Tom reckoned it’s all maths. Two happy parents apart make a higher score than two unhappy parents together. He said it made sense.’ She pulled a face. ‘Sometimes boys are too sensible. Me and Lizzie cried over a dead blackbird we found on the school field, today. Its wing looked broken. But Tom didn’t mind; said it wouldn’t have been able to catch food or fly if it was alive.’ She met my gaze. ‘Life’s hard sometimes. But … it’ll all be okay, Mummy.’
I sucked the insides of my cheeks, sobs rising up from my chest at my good-hearted little girl.
*
April was still putting on a brave face about the camping at bedtime, but still wasn’t sure about it, which only strengthened my resolve that we should sleep out. I mean, most primary school children would jump at the chance to spend a night in a garden, right?
After watching yet another alien film with Noah and Elle, and full with fish, chips, and white wine, I headed upstairs and had the best night’s sleep I’d had in a while – except for a very odd dream that I put down to eating pickled onions, late at night. The dream involved me and Noah, in a tent together, filled with books and just enough space for one sleeping bag. We slipped into it together and Noah had, as usual, rolled up his sleeves.
I’d run the palms of my hands across his smooth forearm skin, and up towards his biceps, as we lay facing each other. I’d continued moving them towards the collar and tugged off his shirt. He’d grasped my blouse at the bottom hem and pulled it gently over my head. Heart pounding, I’d run my fingers through that fudge-coloured, choppy hair and pulled his face towards mine.
Cue stars and sparkles and heat as his fingers edged under my bra and he moaned my name, saying something about ducklings and swans. Then just as his fingers moved around to the back and touched the clasp … an extra-terrestrial with two heads appeared. The dream ended with Noah and me grabbing light sabres and struggling out of the sleeping bag to fight for our lives …
Chapter Eleven
Sweaty. Panting. Lying next to Noah.
No, this wasn’t still my dream. It was the following morning at seven. We’d just completed our run and were lying in the cottage’s back garden, on the grass, in front of the stream. I breathed in the earthy fragrance and relaxed as aches disappeared from my calves and thighs. When I say run, for me it was more of a half-walk and jog. I kept stopping to bend over, hands on my knees, to catch my breath, every muscle crying out for me to bring the torture to an end.
I turned my head to the left to look at Noah and despite the cold dew my cheek felt even hotter from the memory of that dream. As if he and I would … Yes, we talked and laughed about books, and conversation felt so easy and relaxed now but … no. I counted in my head – five weeks on from Zak’s revelation. I certainly wasn’t ready for a new man.
Except that I didn’t really think of Noah as a man. I mean, of course he was but, slowly, he and Elle were becoming real friends, whereas I’d never once thought of Zak like that. Literary chat with Noah made me see more clearly the differences between me and my ex. I’d never compared us in detail before – I’d never needed to. I thought our relationship was solid. But Zak read magazines; I loved novels. Theatre interested me. He adored his glamorous American box sets.
Did any of that matter? Maybe not. But it meant that arguments were usually settled by making love, not conversation, so when it came to this big, Chanelle bust-up we didn’t know how to start repairing the damage.
I recalled the time he’d been late home for my birthday. Celia had had April at hers for a sleepover and I’d prepared a romantic dinner with champagne. But the online ordering facility at Elite Eleganz had crashed, due to a half-price sale they were running. Zak wouldn’t delegate the important task of sorting it out, and in the panic completely forgot our dinner date. By the time he got home I’d drunk half the bottle. The cheese soufflé starters had sunk and the chicken had dried out. He found me in bed, pretending to sleep, but he had still peeled off my nightdress. In between kisses he’d declared that for the whole night he would be my sensual slave. Carnal apology accepted.
Without thinking, I pulled a face. Wow. This was becoming more common – recalling nights of passion with Zak were turning me off rather than on. That was some change.
‘So? How did I do?’ I said, breath still ragged.
Noah grinned. ‘Honestly?’
‘No!’
We both laughed.
‘You did okay. This race won’t be a problem.’
‘Liar!’
He chuckled. ‘No. Seriously. You should have seen me when I first started running a year or so ago. I’d have had to walk the whole way.’
‘Did you have a jogging partner?’
He shook his head. ‘It was a period after I’d left my finance job and was figuring out what to do with my life.’
‘You didn’t live with Elle back then?’
‘No, we both … had stuff to figure out first. On our own.’
His voice petered out and I didn’t like to press further. I sat up and admired the scene in front of me – the babbling stream, with lily pads and wildflowers by the side. My mum would love the view. The clear water ran all the way along this row of cottages, ending up in the park where I’d thrown up tiramisu. Occa
sionally the ducks swam up this far. April had been so excited the first time, and had run out to feed them with bread – something she should have perhaps done more of, over the years.
I turned around and gazed at the borders, filled with various shrubs and colours, white leaves, dark ones, and the lushest wide lawn. It all looked natural, unlike the orderly shaped bushes and regimented plants back at The Willows.
‘Who looks after all this?’ I said and swept my hand through the air as I turned back to him. ‘It looks great and is so tranquil.’
‘We don’t have a gardener, if that’s what you mean.’
‘No,’ I blushed. ‘I mean, are you the visionary or is Elle?’
‘We both share the manual work, whilst Martini is the brains and advises us on which plants to buy. Elle cuts the grass – I like pruning and weeding. Next year we might convert part of the lawn to a vegetable patch. Who knows, I could sell homemade soup.’ He stood up. ‘Anyway. Enough chit-chat. How about we put up the tent before you take April to school? It’ll smell a bit musty. Hopefully today and tomorrow in the sun will sort that out.’ He held out his hand and easily pulled me to my feet.
I smiled as he headed indoors to fetch it, and couldn’t take my eyes off his legs. He walked with the air of a man who knew where he was going in life. And yet those glimpses of vulnerability, the way he shut down when talk of the past went below the surface … Each new day I spent a little more time thinking about Noah than I had the day before. How he’d taken in a woman he hardly knew, about to go through a messy divorce, with a child in tow. Yet every time I tried to thank him he brushed it off, or said that everyone deserved a second chance in life. I’d had a second chance forced on me by Zak. But it was a chance to stand up on my own.
I swallowed. At first I hadn’t been keen to grasp that opportunity, but slowly my new life was awakening feelings inside me that were exciting. A feeling of independence and being true to myself. Just talking to mums in Laventon Primary playground, about everyday things, without really registering what clothes or make-up they wore, made me realise just how much of my time had been spent comparing myself to other women at Oakwood Towers. Their outfits and lipsticks all shouted ‘try and keep up with me’.
The New Beginnings Coffee Club Page 13