Shivering, I stood up. Elle passed me her coat.
‘Go on,’ she said. ‘I’m nice and warm after our full-speed walk up the hill.’
‘How come you both came looking for us?’ I said and leant forward to give her a hug. ‘Thanks so much. I don’t know what would have happened if …’ My bottom lip trembled as the reality of what could have happened sank in.
Elle gave me stern look. ‘No point of dealing with the “what ifs” in life. April is okay.’
Vigorously I nodded.
‘Zak dropped around early from work. He’d remembered about the canister. Noah told us the bad weather front had come in early. You weren’t answering your phone so we figured you were still on the hill.’
‘How did you find us in all this fog?’
‘It’s a bit clearer further down. Zak wanted to come on his own but I told him I did a lot of hiking and knew this hill like the back of my hand.’
Elle took a flask of something hot out of her rucksack. ‘Milky coffee. Just the way April likes it. Noah thought she might need it.’
Zak stood up and Elle knelt down by April instead and poured her a drink. Zak ran a hand through his hair.
‘She seems fine but I reckon we should take her to the hospital anyway.’ He stared at me. ‘You look freezing.’ He went to take off his jacket.
‘No thanks. Elle’s coat is enough,’ I said pointedly, not forgetting how he’d shoved her in the lounge.
He swallowed. ‘Sorry. I’ve been stupid.’
‘Yes, you have. But I guess I was too. I could tell a bit of cloud was moving in but April was so excited to get to the top …’
‘I’d never have forgiven myself if anything had happened to either of you,’ he said in a rough voice and pulled me close. We hugged briefly. It felt comforting. Familiar.
‘Shall we start making our way down in a minute? The weather isn’t due to get any better,’ said Elle.
She stood up and offered me a mug. Gratefully I sipped the coffee.
‘Zak and I will take April to the hospital, just for a check-over,’ I said.
Zak’s face flushed. ‘Thanks for showing me the way up, Elle. I couldn’t have found them on my own,’ he said abruptly before kneeling down with April again.
I glanced at Elle and she gave me a wry smile.
‘Mummy, what about the treasure?’ asked April, a couple of hours later as she sat perkily on a hospital bed. The doctors wanted to keep her in overnight just to be sure, as she still hadn’t stopped coughing.
‘You’re feeling better!’ said Zak and the three of us laughed.
But her shoulders slumped. ‘We never found anything exciting. Never even had a chance to look. Stupid asthma.’
‘Fortunately I did and look what I found!’ I took the bag out of my rucksack and passed it over to her.
She grinned. ‘Mummy! Don’t tell lies. You had no time to look, what with me feeling icky. You took this with you!’
I grinned back and a small part of my heart twisted at the realisation that my little girl was growing out of make-believe.
Eyes bulging, she pulled the string cord open at the top. She dug her hand in and pulled out the coins.
‘Wow. Chocolate ones. Better than metal. Can I have one now?’
‘I don’t see why not,’ I said softly. ‘Why not see what else is in there first?’
She dug in the bag and pulled out the photo of Buttercup. ‘So sweeeett,’ she cooed and tipped out the rest of the contents. She squealed at the beads and loved the cycling map. Finally she studied the voucher I’d made for her.
‘I love everything. You’re the best,’ she said and studied the gifts again. ‘This treasure is everything I could ever want. For the voucher can you and me camp in the garden?’
‘Of course.’
Zak cleared his throat. ‘Right, um, I’d better get going – if you’re sure about staying here for the night, Jenny?’
‘It’s fine. I wouldn’t be anywhere else.’ I glanced at April, who was engrossed in the cycle map. ‘And,’ I added, in a low voice, ‘I can’t imagine Chanelle would want you here overnight, with me. We don’t want her turning up, guns blazing.’
In a resigned manner, he nodded and smiled at April. ‘I’ll be across first thing. Chanelle and Skye are really hoping you can still make the shopping trip tomorrow. Apparently that big department store you all like is offering free makeovers and Chanelle said she’d treat us to sushi afterwards.’
‘I hate sushi,’ she muttered.
Zak paused. ‘Me too. How about I try and convince them that pizza is the best medicine for invalids?’
April hesitated and then her face lit up. ‘Okay. Deal.’
Zak didn’t go forward for a hug. He just winked, gave her the thumbs-up, and left.
‘Back in a minute,’ I said to her and then followed Zak out into the corridor.
‘What an evening,’ he said and I noticed that patch of tanned, toned skin at the top of his chest where he’d loosened his tie. Despite everything, it had felt good to be a little family again.
I nodded.
‘You look tired,’ he mumbled.
‘Thanks.’
‘No! I meant …’ He sighed and took my hands. ‘You did well, today, Jenny.’
I pulled away my fingers. ‘And Elle? If it wasn’t for her …’
He pursed his lips. ‘I’m grateful, of course, but I still feel the same. In fact, look, there’s no point holding off.’ He reached into his suit pocket and pulled out an envelope. ‘This is from my solicitor. I was going to give it to you tomorrow. I’m just not happy with the set-up at the cottage. I’m sorry, Jen, but I’m filing for primary custody.’
On autopilot, I took the envelope, numb at the prospect of losing our daughter. ‘You’re joking, right?’
‘No. I’ve never been more serious about anything. Tonight just confirmed how the thought of anything bad happening to April would kill me. Oh, Jenny. Can’t you understand? I’d do anything to protect her and I don’t want her living with some weirdo who might –’
‘Weirdo?’ I shook my head. ‘Elle is one of the kindest people you, me, or April are ever likely to meet. I still can’t believe the way you treated her, after the camping trip.’
He broke eye contact, for a second. ‘I’m not proud of that, and I’m not made of stone either.’ He looked at me. ‘I know he – she – must have been through hell, but is he really honest? All above board? How do you know what he’s truly like when for the best part of his life he’s been pretending to his family and friends? Frankly, Jenny, I think you’re far too trusting.’
‘Like I was of you and Chanelle. You weren’t honest with me about Chanelle, or about the state of the business,’ I said in a measured voice.
His fingers curled inwards. ‘Perhaps. And maybe that’s why you can’t see this Elle for what he is.’ Zak threw his hands in the air. ‘Come on, Jenny. You know I’m no bigot. Okay, so I was shocked at first that Elle was a transwoman, but that’s not really the root of the problem. It’s all the deception. What else don’t we know? She … he … could have been in prison.’
‘Are you for real?’ I said, a surge of heat rising through my body. ‘What happened to trusting your instincts, and trusting me? I’ve spent hours with the woman. She’s super sweet. Would do anything to help anybody – as proven today.’
We glared at each other.
‘And you’ve not spent your life pretending?’ I said, a wobble in my voice. ‘Admit it – you never even wanted kids.’
His face flushed. ‘April is the best thing in my life – always will be.’
I stared at him and felt my face soften a tiny bit, despite inwardly shaking at the thought of my little girl not always living under the same roof as me.
‘Look, Jenny. I get it. You’re grateful to Noah and Elle for taking you in. But don’t you think April is just too young to be dealing with these …’ he grima
ced ‘… issues? My concern is –’
‘What, exactly?’ I shrugged.
‘The way April has changed since leaving The Willows. She dresses like a boy. You should have seen her camping. Her nails were filthy.’
I burst out laughing. ‘For God’s sake, Zak! She’s finding herself now, that’s all – finding her real self, away from the pressure of Skye and her glamorous clique. She still likes lipstick for a bit of fun but her new friends are more … more like kids should be. Trainers instead of tights. Comfy trousers instead of figure-hugging dresses.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘And how do you know it isn’t the influence of Elle?’
‘April’s only known about Elle’s transition for a week or so. These changes have been taking place ever since we moved to the cottage.’
He shrugged. ‘Well, I’m not convinced. Next, April will be telling us that she wants to be a boy. That would guarantee her a lifetime of misery.’
I shook my head. It was just one shock after another with Zak, recently.
‘Being transgender can’t be caught, you know – unlike uneducated comments from adults. I certainly don’t want our daughter growing up under the influence of such provincial beliefs. So do your worst, Zak. Get your fancy lawyers in court. Weave your lies against me. But I intend to make sure April enjoys a more natural, broad-minded childhood than she’d ever get living with you and your mistress.’
Chapter Twenty-Two
I stood outside the big front door of The Willows and didn’t even try my key. The locks had probably been changed. And anyway, it wasn’t my home any more. To the right was a hanging basket filled with artificial flowers, as artificial as …
I did my best to quell an unkind thought. Chanelle was clearly around to stay in Zak’s life – and therefore April’s. So I had to be grown-up. Civilised. Polite.
The door opened. Inwardly I breathed a sigh of relief. It was Zak.
‘Jenny? What couldn’t you talk about on the phone? You’re lucky I could work from home.’
It was Wednesday. My day off. For the first time my morning jog hadn’t felt quite so painful. I was running quicker now. Just as well since the charity race wasn’t far off. It also made me feel somehow more confident. More sure of myself. Perhaps it was true that exercise was good for the soul.
‘If it’s about Elle, I haven’t changed my mind.’ He folded his arms.
‘Aren’t you even going to invite me in?’ I said, not wanting to get into an argument again. I’d reluctantly contacted a solicitor. Postie had recommended the one who’d handled his divorce.
He stared for a moment and then ran a hand through his hair. ‘Yes. Sorry. Of course. Would you like a coffee?’
‘No. I’m fine thanks.’
Typical Zak still wore a suit – even though he hadn’t been into the office. I wore skinny black jeans with a cerise T-shirt and large drop earrings. Since the bad weather last Friday night, it had been a little cool for the end of June.
‘You’ve lost weight,’ he said and eyed me up and down.
I shrugged and looked around. ‘No Chanelle?’
‘She’s in your …’ his cheeks flushed ‘… in the summerhouse.’
I followed him into what had once been our comfy lounge. It was now all gilt frames and sparkly velvet cushions. Yet rather than feel hurt, this time a wave of bemusement washed over me. How could he so quickly erase our past like that? No doubt Chanelle quashed any of his doubts. ‘Seems like a lot has changed around here.’ It had none of the character of Noah’s lounge that was cluttered with books, magazines, and Elle’s scented candles. ‘A lot of effort for nothing when you may well still have to sell this place. It could take months to sell Chanelle’s home and –’
‘It cost hardly anything and it makes Chanelle feel more comfortable here. As for her home, we just heard this morning – it’s sold. There’s no chain, and it won’t be long before she’s paying the mortgage.’
How convenient, I muttered in my head.
He sat down on the sofa. ‘Look – what do you want, Jenny?’
I sat down opposite him, in an armchair.
‘I mean it,’ he continued. ‘Me going for primary custody. I stand an excellent chance, what with Chanelle and Skye living with me. We provide a traditional family unit. My legal team will compare that with the cottage’s rather unorthodox set-up. Not that I’d ever prevent you having access to April – as much as you want – but –’
‘Legal team? You really must have pulled in some favours.’ I shook my head. ‘How did it come to this, Zak? You cheat on me, bankrupt the business, and tear this family apart, and then come over all self-righteous?’
His face tightened. ‘If all you’ve done is come over for a slanging match, then –’
I clasped my hands together and took a deep breath.
God, this was hard.
But I had to remain polite; act grown-up.
‘No. Actually I’ve come to ask a favour. Although I’m still finding it hard to even talk to you, after you pushed Elle over last weekend.’ No harm reminding him of his bad behaviour, again.
His lips pursed together. Clearly there was going to be no apology. The swelling had gone down in Elle’s face now, just leaving a slight graze by her mouth. But the damage clearly ran deeper. For a couple of days she’d hardly said anything.
‘Are you free Friday after school?’ I said in a matter-of-fact voice.
‘I was going to eat out with Chanelle – she wants to go to the launch of a new Asian restaurant owned by one of her customers.’ His voice sounded tired. ‘What’s this all about? Do you want me to take April so that you can go shopping again with your new best girlfriend who’s really a tranny?’
I stared at him. ‘Don’t be so vile. Honestly, what’s got into you, Zak? You’ve always been strong-minded, conservative, but your comments, over this …’ I shook my head. ‘It’s shocked me.’
He averted his gaze. I counted to five then moved forward, onto the edge of my chair.
‘I haven’t come here today about Elle – it’s about your mum.’
He sat more upright and met my stare.
‘You know this list of wishes I am working through, for April?’
‘List of bribes to stay in that matchbox-sized cottage and attend that one-eyed school, more like,’ he muttered.
I bit my lip, needing all my strength not to respond to his playground taunts. I thought back to his wish list that I’d found. How he might finally get to fulfil his travel desires, now, with Chanelle. Perhaps I should have felt angry that he’d played the family man out of a sense of duty all these years, but instead … I don’t know. It somehow made our separation more tolerable. We’d both rushed into marriage. It meant that neither of us achieved our goals. Yet we both agreed April was the best thing in our lives. Maybe now was the time we could both start to put our personal targets first.
‘Her last wish is due to be fulfilled this Friday, but it’s proving the hardest. She wrote down: “Have Granny back”.’
‘And that’s proof of how stupid it was to ask a ten-year-old to make a wish list. How are you going to cope with her disappointment?’
‘I’m going to be creative, Zak – like I have been with all the others.’
‘Creative seems to be your go-to word at the moment. April mentioned you’d been sketching. Did you want your sewing machine back because you’ve started designing again?’
I ignored the question. ‘Celia – obviously we can’t bring her back to life.’
‘Obviously,’ said Zak and his shoulders slumped. ‘I miss her so much,’ he suddenly blurted out. ‘I feel like I’ve lost my way a bit since she went.’
‘I miss her too,’ I said gently and unexpectedly my throat ached. ‘Celia was one great lady. She’d have probably sorted out the terms of our divorce by now. Told us not to be so stupid as to waste money we haven’t got on solicitors. Anyway, I was thinking, perhaps April and
I could come over here, Friday after school, and set up a room full of Celia’s memories – in the spare room, upstairs. Celia stayed there often enough after a family celebration or when she was babysitting. You could find her photo albums in the loft and bring those down. There should be some of her mum and dad, her own wedding day …’
‘I suppose …’
‘Then how about we find her old CDs? You haven’t thrown much of her stuff away, have you?’
He gave a big sigh. ‘No. I’m still putting it off.’
‘We could play her favourite jazz records. And also put on her favourite film for the three of us to watch.’
‘Gone with the Wind?’
‘Yes. I think April is just about old enough. It’s a long movie but we’ll be looking through the albums as well. Plus, you know Celia always wore the same perfume.’
‘That expensive French one in the blue bottle?’
I nodded. ‘We could spray that on, say, one of her cardigans. Or does that sound morbid?’
Zak shook his head. ‘No. After Dad died I always found the smell of cigars comforting. It reminded me of him – good times, eating and drinking out.’ His forehead smoothed out. ‘Sure, I can organise all that.’
‘I can help.’
‘No. It’s fine.’
I scanned his face. Perhaps it would help Zak, having some time alone, going through his mum’s things.
‘Okay. Thanks. And then, just one last thing – Celia’s favourite cake.’
Zak’s face broke into a smile. ‘Good old Victoria Sandwich.’
‘I’ll make that and bring it around. And just to make April laugh, I thought you could go out and get fish and chips.’
‘Celia hated the idea of eating out of paper!’
I grinned. ‘Exactly.’ She couldn’t bear snobbery but that was her one slip-up. She said newspapers were for reading not eating out off and insisting on using a proper knife and fork. It would make April giggle, the thought of Celia wagging her finger. I leant forward. ‘The most important thing, though – Zak, please, I don’t want Chanelle or Skye around. This is private to us. I want it to be special. They didn’t know her. It won’t be the same if they are popping in and out.’
The New Beginnings Coffee Club Page 24