Snakes and Earrings
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"No, he wasn't bisexual. I can vouch for that."
On my way out I gave every policeman I passed a lingering look filled with hatred. I headed to Desire to tell Shiba-san about the lack of progress in the investigation. I didn't want to believe that Ama had been raped. But at the same time, I knew 110
that there was no way he would have let someone do that to him. Even if he was bisexual, I was sure that he would have been the butch, not the femme, in the relationship.
I opened the front door of Desire and smiled weakly at Shiba-san who was sitting behind the counter smoking. I couldn't tell him what had really happened to Ama. I didn't want his image to be tainted in anyone else's mind.
"They've found nothing whatsoever."
Shiba-san smiled weakly, as if imitating me, and said,
"Right."
Shiba-san had become kind to me ever since Ama's death.
He still had a savage tongue, but more and more I could feel thoughtfiilness and kindness in his expressions and actions.
He walked me to the back room, and went back to the store once he'd laid me down on the bed. I stayed there for a while, but decided I wouldn't be able to fall asleep sober, so I got up and opened the fridge. I opened a cheap bottle of red wine and drank it straight
from the bottle. Then I felt hungry for the first time in a very long while, so I took a piece of bread from the fridge, broke off a section, and took a bite out of it. The smell of yeast made me nauseous, however, so I put it back in the fridge and slammed the door shut. Then I sat on the desk chair with the bottle of wine in one hand and took my makeup bag out of my bag, and gazed at the teeth Ama had called the "symbol of his love." I took them out and rolled them around on the palm of my hand.
I wondered what they could possibly mean now that he was gone. Why was I even looking at them? I found myself looking at the teeth more often since Ama had disappeared from my life. Every time I put them back in my bag, I felt overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness. Would the day I stopped looking at the teeth be the day that I got Ama out of my mind? Then, as 111
I put them back in my makeup bag once again, something caught my eye. I could see a thin paper package sticking out of the half-open desk drawer, and in just a split second I assumed the very worst. I reached over and took the package out of the drawer. Musk Ecstasy incense. Immediately I got up out of the chair. "I'm going shopping."
"Where to?" asked Shiba-san, looking surprised, but I headed straight out the door without answering or turning back, my feet carrying me full speed in the direction of the store.
When I returned to Desire, out of breath, Shiba-san stroked my head with a look of concern.
"Where did you go, Lui? You had me worried." "I went to buy some incense. I don't like the smell of musk."
I fetched the pack of incense from the desk, bunched up all the incense sticks inside the pack, and split them all in half before throwing them into the trash can.
"I got coconut instead," I said, lighting an incense stick. "Is something the matter, Lui?"
"No. Nothing's the matter. By the way, Kizuki, I think you should grow your hair. I like long hair on guys."
Shiba-san laughed at my suggestion. If this was before, he would have probably glared at me and told me to shut up and mind my own business, but he said, "Why not? Guess I might give long hair a try for a change."
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That night I went home with Shiba-san and managed to eat a little dinner. It made me want to puke, but Shiba- san looked really glad to see me eating, so I held it down.
I then got into bed with him and lay next to him until he fell asleep, all the time replaying sickening scenes of him strangling Ama as he raped him. I imagined a whole range of different, sickening things, like Ama laughing through it all, or Shiba-san crying. If Shiba-san really was the murderer, he must have choked Ama so much harder than he ever choked me. Once I was sure he was sound asleep, I went into the living room, cracked open a beer, and stared at Ama's love token. Then I rummaged through the shelves by the front door until I found a hammer. I wrapped the two teeth first in a plastic bag and then in a towel, then I smashed them into tiny pieces with the hammer. The dull thudding of the hammer made my heart shiver. Next I put all the bits and powdered remains in my mouth and washed them down with beer, which was the only thing I tasted. Then that was that. That was all it took for Ama's token of love to become a part of me forever.
The next day I went to Desire with Shiba-san and opened up the store with him. I ate a little piece, though I do mean a little piece, of bread he'd bought for me. It was enough, however, to put a look of satisfaction on his face.
"Kizuki, I have a favor to ask you."
"What is it?"
I took off my dress and lay down on the bed.
"You sure?"
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I nodded my head. He picked up that tool—the one that looked like a ballpoint pen—and prepared to paint eyes for my dragon and my Kirin; to give them the gift of life. "Coming in now." Together with Shiba-san's words, a sharp pain shot through my back. I didn't know exactly why I'd decided to get a tattoo in the first place anymore, but I knew that this one had meaning for me. I wasnt just giving life to my dragon and my Kirin—I was giving it to myself.
"Aren't you worried they might fly away?" asked Shiba- san, as he pierced the skin of my back with his needle.
"They're free to do whatever they want." I laughed and stole a glance at Shiba-san's face. There and then, I knew he wouldn't be able to carry on violating me like he had. And I knew he would take care of me. That everything would be all right.
Even if Shiba-san had indeed raped and killed Ama, it was somehow still all right. And while I lay there engrossed in my thoughts, I saw a dragon and a Kirin open their eyes and stare at me in the mirror.
Just before closing time at Desire, I went back to Shiba- sans apartment. As soon as I got in the door, I walked to the mirror, took out my tongue stud, and started to tie dental floss in tight loops running though the hole and extending to the tip. When I pulled it tight, I felt only a dull pain and I could see I only had about 5mm of flesh left holding the tongue together. Naturally, it crossed my mind to just slice through the last part with a razor, but in the end I instead took a pair of eyebrow scissors and cut the dental floss off It spun off my tongue like a spring uncoiling and the pain went away immediately. I looked at what was left 114
in the mirror. Was this really what I had been chasing after? A useless, empty hole surrounded by raw flesh that glistened with spittle?
The next morning, I woke up in a bright ray of sunlight. A terrible thirst forced me out of bed and over to the kitchen. I took a plastic bottle of ice-cold water from the fridge and drank it straight from the bottle, feeling it pass across and through my tongue, then flow smoothly downstream through my body, as if a river had formed inside me.
Shiba-san opened his eyes and slowly pushed himself up in bed. He looked at me staring into the mirror and rubbed his eyes.
"What are you doing?"
"There's a river inside me."
"What do you mean? I had a strange dream too."
"What kind of dream?"
"I used to be good friends with this guy who was into hip-hop and I was supposed to be meeting him, but I was late.
Anyway, when I got there, he and his friends were mad at me, and they began rapping their anger. About five or six guys were standing around me, all rapping and singing their anger at me."
I kept my eyes on him as he slowly got out of bed, my mind still on the river that had grown inside me. I wondered if it would flow stronger if I were to stretch the hole in my tongue to a 00g.
Then I turned to the sun, and I squinted into its unrelenting brightness.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hitomi Kanehara was born in Tokyo on August 8, 1983. She was awarded the Subaru Prize for Literature in 2003 and the Akutagawa Prize in 2004 for her first novel, Hebi ni piasu (. Snakes and Earrings). Her
second novel, Ash Baby, was published in Japan in 2004.
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