Eventually, roysh, he gets it together and he goes, ‘I’ll fooken boorst ye for dat,’ and he goes to stand up, roysh, but Ronan just, like, stands in front of me and goes, ‘I don’t tink so,’ and Decker goes, ‘Wha’, are you gonna stop me, are ye?’ and Ronan goes, ‘Do ye want to find out?’ and when he doesn’t answer, roysh, Ronan goes, ‘I’ve just been back to the apartment. I’ve packed your bags and put them in a taxi. It’s waitin’ for ye. You’re on the eight o’clock flight. Your ticket’s at the airport.’
Decker goes, ‘Ask me bollicks,’ and Ronan’s there, ‘You can go home tonight and sleep safe in your bed. Or you can go home another time and have a welcoming party waiting for you,’ and suddenly, roysh, Decker’s not so cocky. He just, like, stares at me, roysh, then at Ronan and then back at me. Then he goes, Took yiz in anyway,’ and he gets up and storms off.
Suddenly there’s this, like, round of applause, roysh, and I wasn’t actually aware that so many people were, like, listening in. Ronan looks at me with his eyebrows sort of, like, raised and goes, ‘Social-security-sucking scumbag? Bit over-the-top that, wasn’t it?’ and then he laughs, roysh, and I do NOT believe it, roysh, but for the first time since I met him, he high-fives me, he actually high-fives me, and I’m thinking there might be hope for him yet.
I’m there, ‘Where did you get the money? For, like, the flight and shit?’ and he goes, ‘Hope you don’t mind, I rang Sorcha,’ and I’m there, ‘Sorcha? That was very, like, generous of her,’ and he goes, ‘Not really, she gave me your credit card number,’ and I’m there, ‘Oh, roysh.’
Tina’s turned on the old waterworks and her old dear’s, like, comforting her, roysh, telling her that he’s not woort it and then she goes, ‘Ye know what’d really cheer us all up?’ and I know what’s coming, roysh, even before she says the focking word.
I’m in the sack, roysh, half-awake, half-asleep and totally hammered, on the one hand looking forward to getting back to Sorcha, but on the other not wanting to say goodbye to Ronan again for another week. ‘I Will Survive’ is still, like, thumping around in my head. Tina must have sung it, like, six times. That and ‘Beautiful’. I am bayoorifil – no ma’er what dee say. Even the manager was pissed off with her at the end. Woords won’t bring me dow-in.
I’m drifting into a dream involving basically Holly Valance, Jessica Alba, Mischa Barton and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s vanilla caramel fudge, we’re talking the 500 ml one, when all of a sudden I’m woken up by Tina, who’s come into my room, roysh, and is standing over the bed. She’s totally focking mullered, of course.
I’m there, ‘What’s the Jackanory?’ and she goes, ‘Do ye not remember it, do ye not?’ and I’m there, ‘What are you, like, talking about? Remember what?’ and she goes, ‘Dis,’ and as my eyes sort of, like, I suppose adjust to the light, I cop what she’s talking about. She’s wearing the nightdress –that nightdress – we’re talking the one she was wearing the night I took her to heaven and back.
I go, ‘Tina, it’s late. You’re hammered. Ronan’s in the next room,’ but she ignores me, roysh, sits on the edge of the bed and storts, like, running her hands up and down her legs. She has unbelievable pins, I think I mentioned. She goes, ‘You’re not gone all shy on me now, are ye?’ and I’m there, ‘I’m just saying, you’re locked. You’re also very focking fertile. Look where it got us last time,’ trying to let her down gently.
She goes, ‘So if I offered meself to ye now, you’d say no, is dat royt?’ and even though she’s not the Mae West, roysh, I’m totally, like, mesmerized, if that’s the roysh word, by her legs. I can’t stop looking at them. She goes, ‘If I offered ye a nigh’a passion, dee answer’d be no, would it?’ and I go, ‘Tina, I’m pretty much a married man these days.’
All of a sudden, roysh, she whips back the covers and of course her eyes go straight to the old womb broom, which is on duty and we’re talking big-time. She goes, ‘You look interested to me,’ and I go, ‘That’s not for you. It was actually for Mischa Barton,’ and she’s like, ‘I’m shoo-er it was,’ as she goes to, like, slip under the covers.
I’m there, ‘Tina, this is SO not a good idea,’ and as I say it, roysh, I can suddenly feel her fall like a dead weight on, like, my chest? I’m there, ‘Tina? Tina!’ and I sort of, like, push her off me, roysh, then lash the old light on. She’s out for the focking count. Horrendufied, I presume.
The next thing I know the room is full of voices. Her old man and her old dear are, like, slapping her Brendan Grace and, like, throwing water over her, trying to bring her round basically and Ronan’s not saying anything, roysh, he’s looking at me, standing there in my boxers, then at Tina in her nightdress, that nightdress, then back at me again, like he knows what was going on but he doesn’t want to believe it.
Eddie goes, ‘We better get ur to de hospital,’ and I’m like, ‘A hospital? Bit severe, no? She’s just locked,’ but Eddie’s like, ‘She’s a stomach like a fooken goat, dat one. Drink a bleedin’ docker under de table, so she would. Ders sometin wrong.’
The ambulance arrives, roysh, she’s stretchered out of the gaff and her old pair get in the back with her, while me and Ronan follow them in the Seat Toledo. Ronan doesn’t say a word the whole way there.
Of course by the time we arrive, they’ve already, like, discovered the problem. It was, like, the tongue ring. According to the doctor, roysh, she had a thing called metal-allergic contact dermatitis, which induced toxic shock. Don’t look at me, roysh, I’m not a medical man, but what I got from that basically was that pretty much poison went into her blood and it was, like, lights out, Baby.
The four of us are sitting in the waiting-room while the doctors fix her up to some sort of drip or other. When Tina’s old pair are, like, talking among themselves, Ronan turns to me and out of the corner of his mouth, roysh, he goes, ‘What happened?’ and I’m there, ‘Nothing, Ronan. And we’re talking totally,’ and he’s like, ‘It wouldn’t want to have.’
*
Fehily answers on the tenth ring. He goes, ‘Sorry about that, my child. I’m trying to dig out one or two old 45s I thought I had of our old friend’s speeches. What can I do for you?’ and I go, ‘If I had this friend who had a kid – now we’re talking purely hypocritically here, if that’s the roysh word – but if that friend’s kid wanted to join Castlerock, as in the junior school, but he was, like, a bit on the old WC side of things, what would you say?’
He’s there, ‘WC, eh? Well, we’re very full at the moment. There’s a waiting list, you see. Has this friend of yours tried Terenure?’ and I go, ‘No, but I’ll make sure and suggest it. Thanks, Father,’ and he goes, ‘Auf Wiederhoren,’ and I’m there, ‘Yeah, whatever.’
I’m throwing the last of my shit into my bag, roysh, when the phone rings and I’m told that someone’s down in reception looking for me and that someone is, like, JP’s, old man. When I go down, roysh, he’s chatting up the Keira Knightley one, telling her that her boyfriend’s a very lucky goy and he hopes he knows it and she’s sort of, like, blushing I suppose you’d have to call it.
I’m like, ‘Let’s get a drink,’ and before we even get to the bor, roysh, we can see that the place is basically jammers. JP’s old man goes, ‘Bit busy for a Tuesday afternoon, isn’t it?’ and as we get closer, roysh, I can see that it’s basically half the hotel staff and they’re knocking back the drink, some of them totally mullered, even though it’s only, like, four o’clock.
I’m there, ‘Looks like some kind of staff porty,’ and the second I walk through the door, roysh, everyone gives me this, like, big cheer and, like, raises their glasses to me. I think nothing of it, of course. I’ve always known how to handle my popularity and I just give them a little wave, then we find a table in the corner and I click my fingers at one of the lounge birds to get her attention.
I order a bottle of Ken and JP’s old man orders a double Scotch and when the lounge bird comes back with the drinks, roysh, he goes, ‘What’s the party in aid of?’ an
d she looks a bit, I don’t know, embarrassed you’d have to say, then she sort of, like, nods in my general direction and goes, ‘Well, Mr O’Carroll-Kelly is checking out of the hotel on Friday,’ and I’m there, ‘Bit of a poor show that, me not being invited to my own leaving porty?’ and, after putting the drinks on the table, she looks over her shoulder sort of, like, awkwardly and goes, ‘It’s more of a… celebration,’ and JP’s old man cracks his hole laughing and gives her the change from a twenty as a tip, which actually puts me in bad form.
I’m there, ‘What’s all this about?’ and he goes, ‘What’s it about? I want to know is that son of mine any closer to remembering why this precious God of his gave him a dick?’ and I just, like, shake my head. He goes, ‘What about the Viagra?’ and I’m there, ‘Well, I called around to his gaff. Said I wanted to borrow a couple of Messenger magazines…’ He goes, ‘And he wasn’t suspicious?’ and I’m like, ‘He was at first. I just said I was passing Foxrock church, saw all these people coming out of, like, Mass and wanted to find out what all the fuss was about for myself. So he went into his bedroom and I sort of, like, broke up the tablets and dropped them into the Baileys.’
He sort of, like, shakes his head and goes, ‘He’s keeping them in his bedroom? Jesus, this is worse than I thought. Anything since?’ and I’m there, ‘I don’t know. I mean, we’re close but not that close. He certainly hasn’t told me if anything’s, like, stirred. But personally, Mr Conroy, I think he’s a lost cause.’
He goes, ‘I think you might be right,’ and then he sits back in the chair, rubs his face, then grabs his Scotch, throws it back in one and then just sits there sort of, like, studying his empty glass. Then he snaps out of it and goes, ‘I’ve tried reason. Called to see him yesterday. Tried to get him to see that just because he’s found God doesn’t mean he has to become a priest. I said, “What’s wrong with being a Christian and working for your father?” Know what he says? “I am working for my Father.” I said, “Not the father who paid eight grand a year to put you through school. Where was He then?” He told me not to blaspheme.’
I’m there, ‘I think we’ve lost him to this crowd, whatever they’re called,’ and he goes, ‘Roman Catholicism. I think you might be right. You know, his mother’s over the moon. Thinks it’s great. I had to tell her to stop telling her friends. Can’t help but think there’s still a chance of winning him back. Which is why I’m upping the bounty,’ and I’m there, ‘Upping it?’ and he nods and goes, ‘It’s twenty, Ross. And tell those friends of yours. Twenty grand to get the boy back in the saddle.’
She looks at me, roysh, like she’s just caught me in bed with her sister. Actually, that’s a touchy subject. I’m there, ‘I’m going to the closing, Sorcha, I told you. I’ve just got to shoot off afterwards, that’s all,’ and she goes, ‘This was supposed to be our special day, Ross. Oh my God, we’ve bought a house. I thought we were going to go for dinner to celebrate,’ and I go, ‘But that was before the goys rang. Look, I said I’ll be there when the cheque’s handed over today and I will,’ and she’s just there – here it comes, roysh, it’s been in the post for a while now – ‘Don’t bother. I’ll get Daddy to come with me,’ because she thinks that’ll get a response from me, but I’m not scared of him anymore. She goes, ‘I’ll tell you what, you just do what you want to do,’ to which I reply, ‘Kool and the Congregation.’
She’s not in the best of form this week, it has to be said. I think she realizes it was a mistake taking on Aoife. I tend to switch off when she’s talking work, roysh, but from what I can gather, Aoife gave Oonagh, as in some nurse she knows from the hospital, fifty bills off a pair of Chanel cream and soft grey, shimmery, trim nylon, fold-over, mid-calf boots, even though she was told, roysh, that she wasn’t allowed to offer staff discounts, and Sorcha is not a happy camper about it. There’s no need to, like, take it out on me, though.
The goys are already in the MI when I arrive later in the day. Oisinn looks unbelievably smug, and why wouldn’t he? He ended up scoring that bird who came over from New York and he’s got a million sheets on the way from Hugo Boss, meaning the goy’s basically set up for life. I’m actually surprised he’s even interested in JP’s old man’s money, but when I tell him that there’s now twenty Ks on the table he sort of, like, whistles, roysh, and goes, ‘This’ll bring out the big game hunters.’
Fionn goes, ‘Personally, I think we’re wasting our time. I phoned him the other night and all he wanted to talk about was the Book of Ezekiel,’ and Christian shakes his head, roysh, and goes, ‘Madness,’ which is focking hilarious coming from the goy who texted me this morning asking me who I think would win in a fight between Bossk and Chewbacca, as in a fair fight, we’re talking no laser rifles, no bow-casters and definitely no interference from Chenlambec.
Oisinn goes, ‘Just remember, impossible is nothing, goys,’ and I go, ‘Why are you interested? It’s not like you need the shekels anymore,’ and he goes, ‘Even top international perfume designers have to earn a crust. Anyway, it’s, like, easy money.’ I’m there, ‘Easy money? Have you, like, totally lost the plot?’ and he goes, ‘Let’s just say I’ve a plan,’ and Christian goes, ‘What kind of a plan?’ and Oisinn’s there, ‘All in good time, my friends.’
So anyway, roysh, six or seven pints into the evening, my phone suddenly rings and it’s, like, Sorcha and she’s having a TOTAL knicker-fit, we’re talking screaming, we’re talking bawling, we’re talking basically going totally ballistic, and it’s definitely not the usual blob strop, roysh, because she had that last week. She’s going, ‘HELP ME ROSS! HELP! AAAGGGHHH! PLEASE COME, ROSS!’ and I’m there, ‘Where are you?’ and she’s like, ‘IN BLACKROCK – WHERE THE FOCK DO YOU THINK? I just came to measure up and… AAAGGGHHH!’
Of course, what else was I going to do except knock back the rest of my pint and peg it out to Blackrock as fast as the Jo would carry me and there she is, roysh, in the kitchen, standing on top of the island with a sweeping brush in her hand and her slap all over the gaff from crying. And she just, like, points to the middle of the floor and I look down and I cannot focking believe what I’m seeing with my own eyes, we’re talking – get this, roysh – a focking snake, we’re talking an actual snake, here – as in an actual snake? – in the middle of the kitchen floor and he’s, like, looking straight at me, roysh, flicking his tongue in my general direction.
She’s going, ‘KILL IT, ROSS! KILL IT!’ and I’m thinking, What happened to Save the Animals? Of course, without a thought for my own safety, I end up just, like, grabbing the sweeping brush and milling the focking thing. Five whacks and he’s toast. I lash what’s left of him into a bin-liner and throw it outside and when I get back in, roysh, Sorcha jumps down off the island and into my orms and from the way she looks at me, roysh, I feel like the best husband who ever lived.
Moving gaff is actually stressful enough, roysh, without any more, you’d have to say, complications. I’ve already dropped the John Rocha signature champagne flutes that Sorcha’s old dear gave us as a house-warming present and I haven’t seen the girl so upset since I told her – purely for the crack, roysh – that Fungi had been killed by Japanese whalers.
She pretty much bors me from carrying anything of value into the gaff, roysh, so there I am, bringing in my two Leinster rugby jerseys while she’s struggling up the steps with the Waterford Crystal Hospitality Five-Arm Chandelier, when all of a sudden my phone rings and it’s, like, Ronan. He goes, ‘Good news, Rosser. I’m in,’ and I’m like, ‘In?’ and he’s there, ‘Yeah, that school you went to. They’ve accepted me,’ and I end up nearly dropping the phone.
I really expected more of Fehily, but it turns out, roysh, that Ronan skipped straight to the top of the waiting list because 1) my old man went to the school; 2) I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it, but I captained them to their first Leinster Schools Senior Cup since the 1920s and was an all-round legend basically; and 3) Fehily hasn’t actually focking met him.
Ronan goes, ‘Go
t the letter last week. I’d have rung you, but I was busy. Problems with one or two of me investments, if you catch me drift,’ and I’m there, ‘So when do you stort?’ and he’s like, ‘Started this mornin’. Orientation, they call it. Filled in a few fooken blanks for me, I can tell you that. It’s no wonder you turned out like you did,’ and I go, ‘Excuse me?’ while trying to hold in the laughter.
He goes, ‘Ah, they’re some shower of ponces out there, Rosser, so they are. Every sham in the place has two second names. Either that or they’re called something Irish. Putty in the hand though,’ and I’m there, ‘Putty in the hand? Meaning?’ and he’s like, ‘The other kids. Walked in there and I could sense the fear straight away. Suddenly there’s a kid from the wrong soyid of town in among them. I walks straight up to this young fella – shiteing it, he was – and I says to him, “Who’s your best man?” and he says, “Excuse me?” just like you do, Rosser. I says to him, “The best fighter in the class?” and he points out this little weedy fella – fooken Risteóir Ó Gallachór or some shite. So I walks straight up to this kid and I says, “Risteóir, there’s a new face on the landing…”’
I’m there, ‘Ronan, is that prison slang?’ and he’s like, ‘It is, Rosser. Ah, you tend to pick it up in the circles I move in,’ and I go, ‘So, should I brace myself for a call from Father Fehily? Is that why you’re ringing?’ and he goes, ‘No, you’re sorted. There’ll be no squealers. I’ll rule this school with a reign of terror,’ and I’m there, ‘Ronan, me and you need to sit down and have a little chat. I presume your first day of actual school is next Monday?’ and he goes, ‘It is, yeah. But I’ve already got a new nickname. Overheard a couple of the other kids callin’ me The General.’
Ten o’clock, roysh – I’m up ridiculously early – I’m wolfing down the old brekky when all of a sudden Sorcha sticks this piece of paper practically in my face, roysh, and goes, ‘Look!’ and I take it off her and it’s like, ‘Lost: Slinky, a pet garter snake. If found, do not panic. Totally harmless. Contact Joanna,’ and then it has, like, a mobile number and an address, which is basically next door.
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightdress Page 22