by Dawn Brower
“He is that, miss. I thank the Creator every day he chose me to be his assistant.” Then no more conversation was had since Theodore was summoned to one of the tables.
Finally, Jasper could no longer remain hidden. He stepped into the shop and greeted her as if he hadn’t been spying on her. “I apologize for my tardiness.”
A wash of pink splashed into her cheeks. “Think nothing of it. I have been enjoying myself immensely in your absence.”
“Ah, so then you are content most without me?” He couldn’t help teasing her.
“Don’t be daft, Jasper,” she said with a smile. “I meant I never thought I’d like selling chocolates with any amount of dexterity.”
He nodded. “I knew it was balderdash when you stated you weren’t inclined toward sales.” He lifted a hand in greeting to Theodore. “One way or the other, my dear Miss Bradenwilde, life will see you as a raging success. Mark my words.”
And he would be the stepping stone for that growth. Nothing was impossible. He would move heaven and earth for the woman he loved if only to see her smile again.
Chapter 9
The nearer closing time at the emporium grew, the more skittish Evangeline became.
All afternoon she’d worked alongside Jasper. He’d been the perfect companion and a congenial businessman. Over the hours, he’d shown her how he made a couple of his confits, even let her sample his newest creations. Not once did he tell her she needed to remove the apron she’d appropriated or cautioned her that she had no place in his world of confections.
Therein lay the problem. Being with him either in this capacity, talking over tea or sharing kisses and caresses was too easy. They fit together like pieces of a puzzle. There was familiarity there, but now it was peppered with excitement and anticipation. With each new surprising faucet of his personality she discovered during their short time together, the more her heart yearned to be with him in a permanent capacity.
Which made her restless spirit quiver with chilling anxiety, a queer sort of terror that froze her heart and urged her to take flight once again before the fear could catch up.
She glanced beneath the counter where she stood, confident her packed and readied carpetbag remained stowed in the cupboard near her feet. While Jasper slept this morning, she’d hurriedly stowed her personal effects into the bag and hustled it downstairs. Even though the rain still came down steadily as it had for the past two days, she planned to leave the emporium and him once he closed the shop this evening. The trunk would be left behind.
Her chest tightened and her heart squeezed with a strong pressure. She bit down hard on her bottom lip to stave off giving in to the urge to cry. The feelings she held for him hadn’t stayed in the past like she’d hoped. Instead, they had surged forward and multiplied and strengthened until all she thought about was him; all she saw when she examined her life was a typical ton life and all the domestic drudgery therein, despite his pretty words of the night before.
Men would say many things in their quest to bring a woman to wife.
And as the terror of such a proper, boring existence mounted, she fought back against all the emotions that swamped her. She tried to push the confusion from her mind to encourage clear thoughts and logical decisions, to reassure herself that what she planned to do was the right course. If she allowed the walls around her heart to come tumbling down, if she gave herself permission to contemplate what a future with Jasper might entail, did that mean the death of everything she had spent her adult life fighting for?
“Looks like your head is in the clouds, Miss Bradenwilde,” he mentioned as he gravitated closer to her with a broom in his hands. “Care to share what has you wool-gathering?”
“I would not, Mr. Winslow.” It was best to return to the frosty woman who met him on the train platform the other night, for it would be the way he remembered her and the break would be gentler for him. “The crux of my thoughts have no bearing on my future.”
Would that it was so. One tiny decision could decide the fate of her future for good or for ill. The same decision would break this man’s heart for the second time in a five-year span.
How can I do that? Yet, how could she not, if making him happy would mean she’d be miserable? Her heart trembled again. A rather sticky wicket, that. Did a woman sacrifice herself at the marital altar because she wished for nothing except to see one Jasper Winslow spend the rest of his life in a joyful state?
But then, wasn’t that the very definition of love?
Evangeline gasped. Her eyes unfocused as she gaped. Surely she wasn’t in love with the chocolatier. Good heavens, she’d only been back in his company for two—now three—days.
The snap of his fingers in front of her face brought her crashing back to the conversation. “It wasn’t a question of the ages that required a sober answer. I merely attempted to lighten your mood.” His low chuckle vibrated in her own chest. “Come back to Earth.”
“I appreciate the attempt at diversion.” Despite the directions her mind was being pulled, Evangeline smiled. He always did have a knack for disarming her, for making her feel as if everything would work out in the end. “Forgive the prickles. I am somewhat out of sorts today.”
Tell me you are different. Tell me a life with you will be more adventure than a chore.
“With you, my dear, there is nothing to forgive.” He winked, and a twinkle gleamed in his eye, the same one she’d spied all those years ago before their lives were forever altered by the same decision she contemplated now. The lopsided grin made an appearance and her heart fluttered. “Would you do me the honor of having dinner with me tonight?”
She wetted her lips as awareness of him heightened every sense. Memories from their kisses the night before assailed her. Gooseflesh raced over her skin. “Haven’t we had dinner together for the last two evenings?” She clasped her hands together to help tamp down the urge to reach out and touch him.
“Yes, but I would especially like it if you would accept tonight.” Jasper waggled his eyebrows as he leaned on his broom handle. He exuded confidence as only a man who is assured of a certain outcome could be.
And I’m going to destroy him again.
Still, another piece of her heart flew into his keeping. She nodded even as she knew she would never arrive at that table. His simple residence should be a large testament that he wasn’t a representation of all she abhorred. Her resolve wavered. “That sounds delightful.” Then she gave herself a stern warning. Remain strong, Evangeline. No matter how different he seems, given half a chance, he will steal your freedom.
He leaned close, secured her hand and brought it to his lips. Faint flutters tickled in her lower belly. Heat built in her core. Why did he have to be so charming? After brushing a fleeting kiss on her bare knuckle, he released her. “Until then. I shall count down every minute.” He took his leave and soon he and Theodore were involved in end of the day chores.
Eventually, time passed and the young shop assistant donned his overcoat and his cap.
“Have a good night, Miss Bradenwilde. I hope to see you again soon,” he said as he paused at the door.
She nodded and swallowed a couple of times to stave off tears. “That would be nice. Goodbye, Mr. Anderson.” After an exchange of waves, he exited the shop.
Jasper popped in from his work room in the back. The light flickered off behind him. “Just let me lock the front door and we can adjourn upstairs for dinner.”
A sick feeling circled through her stomach. “Let me do it,” she blurted into the awkward silence that fell between them. “I mean, you’ve already done so much today. It’s the least I can do to help.” The longer she looked at him, the more the panic inside built. I cannot go back.
He narrowed his eyes but nodded. “Very well. Don’t linger. I have wished for some time to ask you a question, and mean to do it tonight.” With the light of speculation in his gaze, he removed his apron, hung it on a peg on the wall behind her and then disappeared into the stairwel
l. The rhythmic sound of his footsteps on the treads grew steadily fainter the higher up he climbed.
Dear merciful heavens!
Her pulse pounded in her ears so hard it throbbed even into her fingertips. He meant to propose again. She knew as surely as she knew her own name. The panic doubled until it clogged her chest and throat in hot waves.
Not again. This cannot happen again.
As she promised, she moved through the shop, extinguishing lamps as she went. The whisper of her skirts across the black-and-white checked marble provided small comfort. Once murky shadows overtook the room as the last light went dark, she hurried over the floor and ducked behind the counter. Her hands shook as she fumbled for the cupboard knob. Finally, she opened it and drew out her carpetbag.
Now or never, Evangeline.
The urge to flee pumped through her veins, the terror of an unknown future spurring her into action. She darted around the counter, sprinted to the front door, the heels of her slippers echoing harshly in the empty shop. With fingers upon the brass hardware, she hesitated and stood staring into the still-steady rain outside.
Is it terrible of me not to give him—us—a chance? Can I take the risk?
She tightened her grip on the carpetbag’s handle. In the end, she didn’t have enough courage to find out. Screwing her resolve to the sticking point and straightening her spine, she pressed the handle and pulled open the door. The cheery jangle of the bells above set her teeth on edge and once more, she paused, listening. Would he come, alerted to her flight?
The thrum of her rapid heartbeat marked the seconds. When Jasper didn’t make an appearance, she relaxed by increments and went to adjust the brim of her hat… only to realize in her haste she’d forgotten to bring that accessory down this morning. Again, she peered at the rain. A sigh escaped. No matter. Perhaps if she hurried, she wouldn’t come away drenched.
Evangeline left the shop and closed the door behind her, the bells once more ringing. Jasper and his emporium were now firmly in her past. She’d made her peace with him. New beginnings were ahead.
Though thoughts crowded into her mind and her stomach muscles twisted with anxiety, she marched down the pavement and in front of darkened store fronts. It wasn’t all that far to Berkley Square. Perhaps she should seek temporary shelter from the rain there and make her way to the train station at first light. She hunched her shoulders as the cold rain dribbled down her nape and beneath the neckline of her gown.
Drat! She’d also forgotten her jacket. What a ninny she’d become since crashing back into Jasper’s life. Thinking about him brought tears into her throat and she swallowed hard a few times. Crying wouldn’t help. What she needed at the moment was to keep walking, put space between her and the man she couldn’t forget. She would trek throughout London as long as it was away from a future of tradition and mind-numbing proper society functions and dictates.
She made it not more than fifteen feet from the emporium before a heavy hand landed on her shoulder, and when she cursed beneath her breath in outrage, she was swung around to face her would-be attacker. Not again. She refused to let herself become a victim as she had on the train. “How dare—”
Jasper stood before her without the benefit of hat or overcoat. The rain soaked into his jacket and wetted his hair. Annoyance flashed briefly in his eyes, and then disappointment overtook it. He dropped his hand from her person. “Will you always run from me, Evie?”
“I don’t… I wasn’t… I cannot…” Devil take it. Why did she need to explain her actions? Moisture crept along her skull and dripped over her forehead as she stood floundering before him.
“No more excuses or letting fear have free rein.” He shook his head. “When will you let yourself be happy and realize you will be with me?” The sound of the rain snatched at his words, so she had to lean closer to hear them. “Your dreams will still remain intact. I won’t take them away from you.”
Her chin quivered. With her free hand, she dashed rain drops from her face. “How can I be assured of that? What if your pretty words are just that and once you’ve got me, you become like all those society people—like your parents or mine, like all the rest who live for show and titles and the façade?”
“Because I am not like them.” He rolled his eyes heavenward before focusing on her once more. A few passersby on the street gave nods and curious stares, but no one lingered. “I am a man who believes every person—male or female—has great capacity to impart a special something to the world. I believe that every person wants to make a difference and that there’s no reason why they cannot.”
“Easier said than done if you are a male in today’s society.” A trace of bitterness clung to her words, yet she was too mentally tried to banish it completely.
“I’ll admit it is easy for a man, but that leads me to my next point: I have available coin to help you live your dreams.”
She shook her head and a tendril of wet hair dislodged itself to fall heavily about her shoulder. “Don’t you see? Then it is not me who is succeeding. It would be your investment that makes such things possible for me. I am unable to do anything on my own power.”
A sound issued from deep in his chest that rang like a growl. “What the devil difference does it make?”
“It makes all the difference!” With an exasperated cry, she took a few steps away from him. Now she was wet and cold and more conflicted. “Remove me from the equation and it’s just another business for you to run, another feather in your cap that will make your parents proud. Eventually, you’ll grow tired of funding such an endeavor and then where will I be in all of it? Tied to you with no other prospects except to play hostess and bear your children.”
“Is that so horrible then?” he asked, his voice little more than a whisper and stolen by the rain before she could be certain of what she heard. “Is being my wife or the mother of my children—should we choose to have offspring—the worst that could befall you?”
So it was true. He did mean to offer for her. Heat jumped into Evangeline’s cheeks. “I suppose it wouldn’t be the worst thing, but I do not want it to be my only option. Accepting those things means handing over my freedom to you without hope of escape.”
“Why do you think so? You have nothing to indicate such about me.”
“I merely thought…” What, that he and society were one and the same? That because she’d seen the worst or what she assumed were negative traits in other men—in other unions—that he would conduct his life accordingly? Her resolve to distance herself wavered. “I mean…”
“I refuse to demand that you do anything you don’t wish to.” He took a few steps closer to her. “You were always high-spirited, Evie. I adored that about you, so much so that I feared I wouldn’t be enough for you.”
“What?” She opened and closed her mouth like a caught trout.
“It’s true.” He nodded. Rain slicked his face. Droplet clung to his eyelashes, his eyebrows, the tip of his nose and chin. “I thought perhaps you wouldn’t want a mere viscount’s second son, that perhaps you’d want a man who had substance behind him and a future before him.”
Her heart squeezed. “That is what prompted you to make your investments and learn a trade, make a name for yourself.”
“Yes. I changed, found happiness and contentment and from the work of my own two hands. I became someone I was proud of, but you weren’t there, and my happiness wasn’t one hundred percent complete.”
“Oh, Jasper.” Hot tears stung her eyes. Hadn’t she come to that same conclusion yesterday? Without him, any joy she could render from life would be riddled with holes. “It was never about that. I wanted passion.”
“I gave you that, showed you I’ve changed.”
“Yes.” She nodded. “Back then I was gripped with fear.”
“You still are, darling,” he interrupted in a dry tone.
She continued on despite the tingles that raced up her spine from the endearment. “The man you were was perfect. Just not for
me at the time.”
“And now?” A glimmer of hope sprang into his stormy eyes.
“I am not sure.” It was a safe response… for the moment. Indecision and blatant need warred for dominance in her gut. “It is complicated.”
“Well, it seems we were two perfect fools back then. At least one of us continues to be.” He laughed and the sound was forced and cold. “Five years is a long time. Lets a man think upon his life’s choices.”
When he remained silent and the rain continued to fall around then, Evangeline nodded in the hopes he would continue, that he would impart some profound wisdom to her that could help make up her mind.
“I loved you then, Evie. I love you now. Perhaps even more fiercely, for I have seen the woman you’ve grown into and know there’s so much more you have to give. So much I want to see.”
She gasped at his low-brow declaration. What should she say in return? How exactly did she feel once she looked past the ever-present fear? And once she did, would she like what she saw after fighting for so long?
“Ah, silence. That is exactly what a man wishes for after he’s bared his heart.” His jaw worked and he shoved the fingers of one hand through his sopping hair. The slicked-back furrows gave him a debonair edge. Then he shrugged and there was a certain finality about the gesture. “You will continue to believe what you want regardless of what I say. You have obviously already made up your mind due to past prejudices and flawed thinking.”
“No, I—”
Jasper held up a hand, staying her protest. “Love means taking a leap of faith with another person. There are no guarantees in life or in romance. You will either make yourself happy or you won’t outside of a relationship. And, my dear, if you cannot find gladness within yourself, I certainly won’t be able to give it to you.”
Was that true? Did she not let herself find happiness because of worry? Her eyes widened as she peered at him through the rain. “It is a constant endeavor.”
“It is. I don’t want a union between us to fail in five years because you’re looking for greener pastures. If that is the case, nothing you do will ever satisfy you.” He held her gaze. Sincerity and exhaustion lined his face. “I will not keep you in golden shackles. You have my word. All I am doing, or wanted to do at dinner but you ran from me again before I could properly ask, is offer you all that I am and hope we can meet the future together, side by side.”