by Jen Andrews
He took a step back. “Ah yes, please…take as much food as you want,” he smirked. He held his plate out to me. “Here, do you want some of mine too?”
That earned him another smack upside the head from Angie, who had come into the kitchen too.
I gave her a high-five for it. “I got your back, Z,” she joked.
For the first time that day, I laughed. “You know, Angie, we should probably rethink smacking your boyfriend upside the head so much. It seems to be giving him brain damage.”
After dinner, I didn’t feel like staying to visit with everyone. I wanted to be alone to think. I said my goodbyes to my family and went home. When I arrived back at my apartment, I was tired, both physically and mentally, so I decided to get in bed. It wasn’t even dark outside yet, but I didn’t care.
I pulled a T-shirt of Andy’s out of his drawer in my dresser and slipped it over my head, then crawled in bed. James hopped up on the bed and cuddled up to me. I stuck my earbuds in, turned on my iPod, and stared at the ceiling for a while.
I picked up my cell phone so I could text Andy, but I didn’t know what to say to him. As I lowered my hand to set my phone down, it vibrated with an incoming call. I looked at the display to find Andy calling me.
I jerked my earbuds out and flipped my finger across the slider to answer the call.
“Hey, I was just thinking about you,” I spoke softly into the phone.
“Were you, now?” he responded with a chuckle. “Dirty thoughts, I hope.”
He seemed to be doing better, so I decided to go along with his line of conversation.
“You know it, Sexy. You were definitely doing something dirty to me,” I said in a low, deep tone.
He let out a long, slow breath, suddenly serious. “I miss you, Zoey. I’m sorry I left the way I did.”
My eyes welled up with tears, but the tears were not for me. My tears were for him and for what he was going through.
“You know you can count on me for anything, right?”
“Yeah, I know. I just feel like everything I touch turns to shit.” He sighed and then cleared his throat.
“Don’t say that, please,” I whispered.
“I’m sorry. I can’t help it. It’s stupid, but I feel cursed with bad luck or something. I lost my family, I almost lost you, and now I’ve lost a baby I didn’t even know about. Everything was going so good for us, and the day we get engaged…” He paused for a moment. “I wanted everything to be perfect for you. I’m so sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. This is not your fault. She had no right keeping this from you. Once you talk to her and find out what happened, we will try to move past it.”
There was only silence from Andy for several seconds.
“I don’t know how I can get past this,” he admitted. “What if there is something wrong with me, you know? What if something in my genes or DNA is what caused her death? What about any kids we might have? I can’t let it happen again.”
He was jumping to conclusions.
“Andy, stop. You don’t know what happened. Please try not to think that way.”
With the way he was speaking, I was starting to freak out. I just wanted to go to him and help him.
“Where are you staying?” I asked. “I don’t want you to be alone, or to try and talk to her on your own. I can drive down there tomorrow.”
Silence.
“Andy?”
Silence.
“No,” he said quietly.
My heart sank. He didn’t want me there.
“I want to be there for you.” I was ready to beg him to let me come to him at that point. “I don’t have to go when you talk to her, but you need someone with you.”
He cleared his throat. “Zoey, stop. Please. I need to figure this out on my own. I’ve already fucked everything up enough.”
Why was he blaming himself? “This is not your fault,” I cried. “You are not to blame. This is all on her, not you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
There was nothing but silence on the line.
“Hey,” I whispered. “Please say something.”
After several more moments of quietness, he finally spoke. “I need to go so I can think. I’ll let you know when I hear something.”
So that’s it, huh? He’s completely shut me out. Now I knew how he felt all those months ago when I did the same thing to him. It fucking hurts.
“Andy…don’t…”
“Goodbye, Zoey,” he whispered right before he hung up on me.
Fuck! I was sick of him hanging up on me. I opened up a new text and sent him a song.
“There For You,” by Flyleaf. Please listen to it. I love you.
The following week passed by in a haze of emotion. I tried to work, but my mind constantly strayed to Andy. How was he doing? Was he able to find out anything? I didn’t want to push him too hard, so I only tried to contact him once a day, either by call or text.
Andy never responded, but I kept trying…he needed to know I was still there if he needed me. I was losing hope for him finding anything out. He should have called by now with something…anything. Still, nothing happened.
Saturday eventually rolled around, and on top of worrying about Andy, I still hadn’t started my period. I was extremely concerned about it, so I pulled out the paperwork included with the box of pills, to see if I had missed something. Nope, same as the last type of pill I took. A few months back, I’d switched to birth control pills that stopped my period, so I was supposed to get only four per year.
My period should have started around the time I threw away the rest of the packet of pills. I was officially a week late. I was never late. What was I going to do if the new birth control pills messed up my system? I’d never taken pills where they actually stopped my period before, so I wasn’t sure what to expect.
After I read the list of side effects, I was starting to stress out, so I called Sasha. I needed some girl talk from someone who would not baby me when I was freaking the fuck out. I had every side effect listed on the paperwork, from nausea, to sore and swollen breasts and mood changes, to being tired. The only fucking side effect I didn’t have was a lighter period or spotting. I had nothing.
“Zoey!” she squealed when she answered her phone. “Girl, where have you been? It’s been days since we’ve talked.”
I laughed at her enthusiasm. “Sash, I am kind of freaking out here. Can you come over?”
She grew serious. “Of course. Are you alright?” I heard her moving around and her door slammed a minute later. “I’m on my way now. What’s going on?”
I sighed. “I’ll explain when you get here.”
We ended the call, and twenty minutes later, I let her in my apartment.
“Sash, what the fuck are you wearing?” I asked when she dropped her gargantuan purse on my couch and I caught a glimpse of her outfit, or lack thereof. She was wearing what appeared to be a black silk nightie and nothing else.
It came down to about mid-thigh on her, and she was wearing knee high stiletto boots. Her black and purple hair was crazy messy.
“Did I interrupt something when I called?” I joked.
She let out a sigh. “I wish. Now what the fuck is going on?”
I was still looking over her outfit when she snapped her fingers right in front of my face, getting my attention. She grabbed the hem of her shirt/nightie and yanked it up.
“Look, shorts. I am wearing shorts. Shit, Z, you called and said you needed me, so I threw on the closest thing I could find and dragged my ass over here. Now spill it. What the fuck is going on?”
And that, my friends, is why I called Sasha over any of my other friends.
She seized my hand and dragged me over to the couch, where she shoved me backward until the backs of my knees hit it, and I fell onto my ass on the cushions.
“Speak!” she bellowed.
“Holy fucking hell, Sash. Relax. I am not a dog. There is no need to get physical,” I teased.
“I’m about to slap a bitch, Zoey James,” she warned as she grinned from ear to ear.
“Okay, sorry. Here goes.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “My period is a week late.” I opened one eye at a time waiting for her to have some sort of an epic sized, Sasha freak out.
Instead, she narrowed her eyes at me and a smile slowly began to form on her face.
“So?” she smirked. “Are you trying to tell me you’re pregnant?”
No. Yes? I don’t know. What the fuck?
“Sasha, I’ve been on the pill for years. I can’t be.” I was officially in disbelief.
She shook her head. “Zoey, yes you can. The pill doesn’t always work, you know. My sister-in-law baby cousin Tracy—”
“Sasha!” I yelled. “This is no time to be quoting that crazy bitch from the Friday movie. This is serious.”
Okay, it was funny.
But still.
Holy-mother-fucking-shit!
“I was on the pill when I was married to Rob. I’d stopped taking it because I quit having sex with him and didn’t see the point. I was on it for years and nothing happened.”
“So how the fuck did you get pregnant if you weren’t having sex with him, Zoey?” Sasha questioned.
Oh God, this is embarrassing. “He was out partying with his friends and came home drunk. Well, while he had been gone, I drank a bottle of wine, and we ended up…you know…and we didn’t use protection.”
She nodded as I hung my head in shame. “Right, so we are fairly certain that isn’t the case then. Did you miss any pills?”
I shook my head. I hadn’t missed any.
“I switched three months ago to the pills that stop your period for three months, so I haven’t had my period since May.”
“Where is that handsome boy toy of yours anyway?” she asked, looking around for Andy. “Why are you talking to me about this and not him?”
“I haven’t seen, or talked to him in a week.”
Confusion and concern washed over her face. I explained Corey’s story to her before I stood up to get a drink. I went to the kitchen, leaving her on the couch so she could absorb everything that happened.
I brought two glasses of sun tea back into the living room and set them on the table. When I turned back to Sasha, she was looking at me curiously.
“Z, I don’t mean to be a bitch, but are you sure you’re not knocked up?”
“Yes, I am sure,” I hissed as I scrubbed my hands over my face in frustration.
She was still looking at me strangely.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
She stood up, took my hand, and dragged me down the hallway to my bedroom, where she yanked the hem of my tank top up over my boobs, baring my torso.
Sasha grabbed my hips then spun me around to face my mirror.
“This is why I am looking at you like that, Zoey,” she exclaimed as she yanked my shorts down my thighs. Thank God my panties stayed in place.
“Look at your stomach.”
I slowly looked my body over. She was right. Fuck. My normally flat stomach was rounded slightly now. Barely noticeable. Shit! Weight gain was on the list of side effects, too, but with Andy and I having dinner together every day, I was obviously going to gain weight, so I ignored that side effect.
It was a very inappropriate time, but I needed to laugh.
“Maybe it’s a toomah,” I joked, rubbing my belly and doing my best impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger from the movie Kindergarten Cop.
Sasha burst out in hysterics. “It’s not a toomah!” she yelled.
“Zoey,” she finally said seriously. “You need to make an appointment with your OB to get checked out.”
I pulled my clothes back on, grabbed my laptop off my dresser, and sat on my bed.
While we waited for it to boot up, she asked me what I was doing.
“I’m gonna Google this shit,” I said, referring to my barely noticeable stomach and the birth control pills.
An hour later, Sasha and I were both in a panic. I was going to die. It was official. I for sure had cancer. Or a cyst. Or endometriosis. Or I was secretly growing the twin I never knew I had.
Okay, that was a bit far-fetched. I’d read one too many Stephen King books and seen one too many movies about a dude who carried his detached Siamese twin around in a basket and let it kill people.
Fuck me. “Sasha, remind me next time that Google is not my friend.”
I closed my laptop and tossed it on my bed.
“My twin is hungry. Let’s take your nightie and go to lunch.” I jammed my feet into some flip-flops as Sasha scowled at me, and we went to lunch.
I drove to the deli Andy and I went to the first weekend we met.
It was only fitting that as soon as we sat down with our sandwiches, my cell phone started blaring “Sex on Fire.”
“Finally,” I grumbled. I hadn’t heard his voice in almost a week.
“Hey,” I said as I put my cell up to my ear.
“Zoey, it’s good to hear your voice,” he replied hoarsely.
“How’s everything going?” I stood up to walk outside for some privacy.
He sighed with frustration. “Not so great. I don’t know any more today than I did last week.”
I pushed the door open and stepped outside. “Nothing? Were you able to talk to her at all?”
“No.” He sighed loudly.
The tone of his voice told me he was irritated.
“I went to her work every day, but she wouldn’t see me. After a couple days, security escorted me out and threatened to arrest me for trespassing and harassment.”
That fucking bitch!
“So I waited down the street from her work, to see if I could talk to her when she left, but a security guard walked her out every night. I felt like a fucking stalker.”
“I’m so sorry. I can’t believe she won’t even talk to you,” I replied. “So, now what?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know the answer.
“Are you going to your mum and dad’s tomorrow for dinner?”
With everything that was going on, I hadn’t really thought about it. “I don’t know. Are you coming home?”
“I’ll come back tomorrow.”
Thank God. “Okay then. Do you want to come to dinner too? I’m sure everyone will be happy to see you.”
“I’ll let you know tomorrow. When you find out what time you need to be there, text me and let me know, okay?”
I promised to call my mom as soon as we hung up.
Once I was off the phone with my mom, I sent him a text, telling him I needed to be there at two to help with dinner and I hoped he would come too. I went back inside the deli to eat.
“Well, what happened, Zoey?” Sasha asked impatiently.
I told her everything Andy said as I ate my sandwich and chips. We finished our lunch and left.
As we walked out the door, Sasha turned left, grabbed my hand, and began to drag me behind her. For such a tiny thing, she sure was strong.
“Um, my car is the other way. Where are we going?” I questioned, confused.
“To the fucking pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test.”
Oh, hell no.
I stopped abruptly, jerking my hand from hers. “No way in hell, Sash. I cannot be pregnant. It’s not possible,” I groaned. Literally, fucking groaned.
“Zoey, I just watched you down an entire foot long sandwich and a bag of chips. By. Your. Self. You are so fucking pregnant,” she blurted cheerfully.
Skank! Why did she have to say that shit to me? As if I wasn’t freaking out enough, she tried to convince me I was pregnant too. Why did this happen?
After five minutes, I was finally able to convince her I was most definitely not going to get a pregnancy test, and I would be making an appointment with my doctor first thing Monday morning.
We went back to my apartment, and Sasha left to go home. I was alone again for the rest of the day, so I took a long, hot bath to relax. Andy would be
home sometime the next day, and I could talk to him face to face. I hoped someday he would get past the heartache he was feeling from losing a child he never knew about. I would never understand how his ex could be so cruel to him.
After I stepped out of the bathtub and dried off, I stood completely naked in front of my full-length mirror and placed my palms on my belly. Is it possible that I am pregnant? What was Andy going to do when I talked to him about it once he came home?
He is going to freak out, Zoey. That’s what he’s going to do.
He was going to go absolutely nuts, and from what he had said, I didn’t think it was going to be in a good way. I worried about what he mentioned to me before, about genes and DNA, and I began going nuts myself. What in the hell was I going to do? I already knew what I wasn’t going to do.
I would not be like his ex.
As soon as he was home, I would talk to him. The possibility of being pregnant was definitely not something I wanted to tell him over the phone.
The next morning, I woke up late and hopped in the shower after I fed James and started another load of laundry. While I was showering, James had curled up in a giant orange fluff ball on the middle of the bed. I dressed myself and played with him while I waited for the laundry to finish.
Once I took care of the laundry I made some French toast and scrambled eggs for breakfast. I still had a couple hours before I needed to leave for my mom and dad’s house, and I wondered if Andy was on the road yet to come home. I sent him a text, asking where he was, and then decided I needed to keep busy, so I cleaned my entire apartment from top to bottom.
Since I was kind of a neat freak, it didn’t take very long, so I went over to the shop and cleaned the office.
When I arrived home from the shop, I had a text from Andy that I missed by about five minutes. It said he was just getting on the road and to head over to dinner by myself. He would see me when I came home.
It would be a couple hours until he was home, so I had no reason to hang out and wait. I went to my parents’ and found my mom in the kitchen cutting up the meat for dinner.
“Hi, Mom,” I said as I hugged her from behind.