Gremlins, Go Home!

by Ben Bova

  Baneen hooked a finger in the lowest buttonhole of Rolf’s shirt and led him aside. The gremlin lowered his voice, almost whispering in Rolf’s ear.

  “A word to the wise—I’d watch your tongue, lad. There’s nothing our Grand Engineer can’t fold if he wishes. Rub him the wrong way and no telling what he’ll do. How would you like Cape Kennedy folded into a flower pot? Or yourself into a postage stamp?”

  Rolf’s eyes widened. But before he could think of an answer, there was a shimmer in the air beside Baneen and the figure of a female gremlin with a pert, but sad, face and dressed in flowing green robes with a band of black around her left arm, took shape beside them.

  “Ah, zair you are, Baneen,” she said, in a soft, melancholy voice. “Sorrow and loneliness ’ave overwhelm me, waiteeng for you.”

  “Er—to be sure, to be sure,” said Baneen. She tucked his right arm in hers and leaned against him. He looked uncomfortable. “But it’s that terrible busy I’ve been, here, trying to work out a way to aid O’Rigami with the help of this lad, here—a human, you notice.”

  “I noteeced,” said the female gremlin, now smiling sadly up at Rolf. “Ow are you, ’uman? I ’ope you ’ave not lost too many loved ones to ze Terror?”

  “His name’s Rolf,” said Baneen. “La Demoiselle here, lad, is a countess of fair Gremla. Naturally, the recent Revolution has awakened the deepest sympathies of her blue-green gremlin blood on behalf of those unfortunates of noble extraction—”

  “Ah, deeply, deeply,” sighed the Countess. “Seventeen times I ’ave cause ze blade of ze guillotine to stick wiz my gremleenish arts. In ozzer ways, also I ’ave also been useful. But ’ow little can any one person do? I am like ze Scarlet Pimpernel, zat noble Englishman—”

  “Hear, hear,” gruffed Shep behind them, obviously deeply moved.

  “Ah, you too ’ave felt for these unfortunate ones, ’ave you, dog?” inquired La Demoiselle, turning to speak to Shep. Rolf took advantage of the opportunity to whisper puzzledly to Baneen.

  “Is that the French Revolution she’s talking about?” the boy asked. “I thought that all happened a couple of hundred years ago.”

  “It did,” whispered back Baneen, producing a small green handkerchief and mopping his brow. “But the gremlinish feelings of such as the Countess, once awakened, do not go back to sleep easily. Let that be a lesson to you, lad—well, I must be going—”

  “Ah, no you don’t, naughtee one!” said La Demoiselle, turning back to snatch with both hands at Baneen as he faded out completely. “Oh! ’E ’as gone! Forgeeve me, M’sieu Rolf, but I mus’ go find heem.”

  She vanished in her turn.

  Rolf looked around him, but saw no one but Shep and O’Rigami nearby to explain matters to him.

  “But what do you gremlins want me to do?” he asked O’Rigami.

  “Ah, sooo,” said O’Rigami, smiling widely. “Need some speciar suppries such as transistors…” He pulled an almost invisibly small scrap of paper from a pocket in his white smock. But the paper grew strangely into a long strip as it touched Rolf’s hand. A list of items was neatly hand-printed on it.

  “Transistors and other necessary components,” O’Rigami said. “If you wirr be so kind as to obtain them…”

  “But wait a minute,” said Rolf. “Why can’t you get these things for yourselves?”

  Baneen reappeared, alone, with a faint pop.

  “Cold iron,” said Baneen, simply. “Sure, and the places where the things are kept are full all round with iron this, and iron that. It would be like yourself having to fetch something you badly wanted out of the very center of a fiery furnace.”

  “All right, then,” said Rolf, who had been thinking. “But why should I get them for you?”

  “Indeed! Indeed!” exploded Shep. “The very idea, trying to put the boy to work for your blackguardly purposes! Naturally, he’s not the sort to fetch and carry for a pack of gremlin scalawags! That’s the spirit, lad. Tell them!”

  “That’s not what I meant,” said Rolf. “What I meant—”

  “Why now, you were only wondering what shape our gremlin gratitude would take, were you not?” cried Baneen. “To be sure, would we be accepting a favor and thinking of giving nothing in return? No, no, lad—what we have for you is no less than the Great Wish, itself. The same unlimited one wish given to any human clever enough to steal—ah, that is, return the Grand Corkscrew of Gremla, that symbol of kingship itself, should such as a human chance to find it after it had been lost. One wish—for whatever your heart desires!”

  There was a sudden silent explosion in the background of Rolf’s mind. All at once he had an image of his father and a lot of other people staring at him in awe after he had just announced that he would clean up all the pollution in the world with one snap of his fingers—and had just done it. But Shep was already growling back at the gremlin.

  “What!” Shep was snorting. “He scorns your base attempt at bribery! Do you suppose a lad like this would think for a moment—”

  “Just a minute, Shep,” said Rolf hastily. “Baneen, could you make the world free of pollution—I mean, clean up all the pollution and make the environment safe forever, if I helped you?”

  “The promise of a Baneen upon it, the moment our kite is safely headed for beautiful Gremla!”

  “Do my ears deceive me?” demanded Shep. “Rolf, boy, think before you—”

  “Indeed and indeed, the word of a Baneen, himself!” shot out Baneen quickly. “Ah, it’s a bargain, then, and may the memory of it be warm in your heart for years to come. Now, off with you and gain the transistories, or whatever they’re called, by tomorrow noon—”

  “Just a second,” said Rolf. “Where am I supposed to get them?”

  “Is this,” Shep was asking the sky, in a tragic voice, “the youngster I’ve stuck with through thick and thin? The boy I’ve raised like one of my own—”

  “Now, Rolf me lad,” said Baneen, briskly, “surely you know as well as anyone of a certain store not ten blocks from your very home, that has transistories and all such radio things and devices piled like coals in a coalshop, within its walls?”

  “Oh,” said Rolf. “Sure. But—wait another minute. These things may be expensive; and my bank account—”

  “Rolf, Rolf,” cried Baneen. “Did you think us the sort to ask for the use of the life savings of such a friend as yourself? Ah, never! Not a penny will any of these transistories cost your pocket. Just have yourself at the store this night about ten o’clock and we’ll make it quite simple for you to slip inside and steal each and every one of them!”

  4

  Rolf looked nervously down the dark, deserted street. The whole town seemed to be asleep, and the only lights anywhere were the few street lamps glowing along the main avenue. One of the lamps was planted squarely in front of the hardware store.

  “A black deed,” muttered Mr. Sheperton. “Breaking into the hardware store to steal things for the gremlins. I thought I had brought you up better than that.”

  Rolf shushed him.

  “You don’t understand. Be quiet.”

  “Be quiet? I certainly will not be quiet!” Mr. Sheperton snapped back, but in a growly whisper. “Got half a mind to set up a howl that would bring on the police. If only the moon were full…”

  Still standing uncertainly in the shadows of the Rocket City movie theater’s lobby, Rolf felt his nerves jangling. Shep was right. Stealing was no way to go. But if a little theft now would make the future right and safe again for the brown pelican and all the rest of the world’s creatures that were being threatened with destruction through pollution of one kind or another, certainly the end ought to justify the means?

  “You were quiet enough at home tonight,” he said to Shep. “Why didn’t you say anything then?”

  “Nothing for me to say,” the dog replied. “Did you want me to cook dinner for you?”

  Rolf’s father had been out, as usual. The countdown for the Mars launch wa
s too important for him to come home for dinner. His mother had been busy with the baby again, and when Rolf came home from Playalinda Beach he found that he had to fix his own dinner. He had opened a can of spaghetti and another of beef stew and eaten them both cold. Shep got his regular dogfood and half the beef stew.

  Then Rolf had watched television for a while, fidgeting in the family room while his dinner made a cold lump inside him. He waited until it was late enough to slip out of the house. Rita Amaro had called to ask when his father would be on the TV news, and Rolf had hung up on her as quickly as he could.

  Now, with everyone else asleep, Rolf still felt fidgety as he watched the empty street.

  “If it’s the police you’re worried about,” said Mr. Sheperton coldly, “I’m sure the gremlins will be keeping them busy on other things. They can cause all the mischief in the world whenever they choose to.”

  Rolf brightened a little. “Baneen said he’d help us…”

  “Us?” Mr. Sheperton’s ears actually stood on end for an instant. “Not us, young man. You. You’re the one who’s decided on a life of crime.”

  “Aw, come on. It’s only a few transistors.”

  “For a start.”

  Rolf didn’t feel like arguing. He looked up and down the street once more. “Why’d they have to put that street lamp right in front of the hardware store?”

  And just at the moment, that particular lamp suddenly dimmed, sputtered, and went completely dark. The hardware store’s big front windows were swallowed by darkness.

  “Baneen!” Rolf felt like shouting for joy. “He’s helping us after all! Just like he said he would.”

  “Trust a gremlin to help you—to get into trouble,” muttered Mr. Sheperton darkly.

  But Rolf wasn’t listening. He swiftly crossed the street and, keeping to the shadows along the building walls as much as possible, he hurried down the street toward the hardware store. Shep padded along behind him, his claws making tiny clicking sounds on the pavement. There were no other sounds. The night was as quiet as it was dark.

  They slipped into the entryway of the hardware store. It was set in between two big plate-glass display windows. It was wonderfully dark in there. So dark, in fact, that Rolf couldn’t see the door very well at all. How can I pick the lock if I can’t see the keyhole? he wondered.

  “Have you thought about the store’s burglar alarm?” asked Mr. Sheperton.

  “Huh? Burglar alarm?” Rolf touched the door handle in the darkness…

  And the door swung open!

  Rolf felt it move, swing inward, and almost lost his balance. He lurched forward, trying to avoid falling, and suddenly found himself inside the hardware store.

  “It wasn’t locked! They forgot to lock up!”

  “More likely another sample of gremlin magic, I’d say,” Mr. Sheperton grumbled. “They’ll help you all they can… as long as you’re doing what they want. What they’re really doing, of course, is helping you to become as tricky and thieving as they are themselves.”

  “Aw, come on Shep…”

  The dog growled.

  “Uh, Mr. Sheperton. All we have to do is find the right transistors and a little bit of wire. The store’ll never miss what we take.”

  “But this is only the first step, Rolf. The gremlins won’t let you stop at this. Once you’ve started working for them, once you’ve allowed them to bewitch you with their promises, you’ll be hooked. They’ll always promise more than they give, and they’ll ask you to do bigger, riskier, more rascally tasks for them. In the end, they’ll have everything they want, and you’ll be behind bars. Or worse. I remember the case of one man, a young violinist…”

  Rolf shook his head. “Never mind. I’ve got to find what we need.”

  He took the folded piece of paper from his shirt pocket and tried to read O’Rigami’s careful printing. It was too dark to see much, but somehow the paper seemed to be much longer than it had been when he first took it.

  “Better not show a light this close to the windows,” Rolf said, more to himself than Mr. Sheperton.

  So he made his way slowly down the store’s main aisle, going by feel and memory more than sight. After a few bumps, he ducked behind the big counter where the cash register was. Squatting down on his heels, Rolf took his penlight from his pants pocket and clicked it on.

  O’Rigami’s list did indeed look a lot longer than he had remembered it. The green letters shimmered as the tiny light shone on them, and Rolf blinked in astonishment as three new items wrote themselves in at the bottom of the list.

  Taking a big breath, like a man about to plunge off a high diving board, Rolf got to his feet and started hunting through the store’s bins and drawers for the items O’Rigami needed.

  It took a long time. Rolf had to work in the dark, risking the penlight only in quick flashes to read the labels on the storage bins and the boxes lined up on the shelves. And the gremlins’ list seemed to grow longer every time he looked at it.

  Slowly a tiny pile of transistors, connectors, wire, and other items—including a green felt-tip pen, of all things—grew on the top of the back counter, next to the cash register.

  Rolf was putting two more transistors on the counter. They were as tiny as fleas. Mr. Sheperton growled, “Stand still!”

  Rolf froze.

  The dog seemed to be sniffing the air. Then he said, “Keep your light off and get behind the counter. Quickly!”

  No sooner had Rolf ducked behind it than a beam of light swept across the store. Peeking around the side of the counter, Rolf could see that a police car had nosed up to the curb and its headlights were shining right into the windows and door.

  The door! Rolf felt his nerves jolting with electricity as he remembered that the door was unlocked. What can 1 do? Maybe the back door…

  A policeman was already out of the car and heading for the door. Rolf didn’t dare move; he couldn’t even breathe. The officer walked slowly toward the unlocked door, glanced up at the still-dark street lamp, reached out and tried the door.

  It stayed shut. He pushed on it, rattled it a few times, then turned back toward the car.

  “It’s okay,” Rolf heard his muffled calling to the other policeman in the car. “Locked up tight. Better call the utility company and tell ’em they’ve got a bum light here.”

  “Not now!” his partner yelled back. “The radio’s going nuts. All the burglar alarms in the shopping center across town have gone off at once. We’ve gotta get there and find out what’s going on.”

  The policeman jumped into the car. Before he could shut the door, his partner had put the car into reverse and backed away from the curb. They swung down the street with their red gumball light flashing.

  Darkness returned to the hardware store. Slowly, Rolf stood up. His legs ached with nervous cramps. He was shivering and drenched with a cold sweat.

  Mr. Sheperton got up too, and leaned his forepaws on the counter top. He huffed at the scattered pile of electronics components. “Quite a scare for a measly ten dollars worth of trinkets.”

  Rolf looked at the pile. Mr. Sheperton was right. All the junk on the table wouldn’t cost much more than ten dollars.

  He suddenly patted the dog’s floppy-eared, furry head. “Come on Sh… Mr. Sheperton. Let’s get out of here.”

  “And leave your booty?”

  “We’ll get it tomorrow morning. Legally. After the bank opens and I can raid my savings account. I didn’t realize these things would be so cheap.”

  Sure enough, when Rolf tried the front door it was unlocked again. And as he and Mr. Sheperton trotted down the street toward home, the street lamp in front of the store turned on brightly.

  Breakfast was about the only time that Rolf ever saw his father anymore. Tom Gunnarson had never been a loud, jovial man. But these days he was uptight, wound up, and hardly said a word to anyone as Mrs. Gunnarson put bowls of cereal on the table for her two men.

  “How’s the countdown going, Dad?” Rolf
asked.

  “Huh?” Tom Gunnarson seemed deep in private thought. He looked up at his son. “Oh, the countdown. Fine, right on schedule. Everything’s working just right. No hitches at all. No gremlins anywhere.”

  Rolf nearly choked on a spoonful of cereal.

  “G… gremlins?” he coughed.

  “Mythical creatures,” Mr. Gunnarson explained absently. “Whenever something goes wrong with a piece of machinery, the technicians say that gremlins have gotten into it. Gremlins get blamed for anything that goes wrong—they’re supposed to be full of mischief. No such thing as gremlins, actually, of course.”

  Swallowing hard, Rolf stayed silent.

  “No,” his father went on, thoughtfully. “The countdown’s been remarkably free of gremlins. Everything’s going so smoothly that it’s kind of spooky. Which reminds me—I may have a happy surprise for all of us, to announce to you in a day or two.”

  “If it’s all going so smoothly, why can’t you spend more time at home, then?” Rolf blurted.

  “Rolf!” his mother snapped. “Don’t be fresh. You know your father would be home if he could be. The launch…”

  But Tom Gunnarson put a lean, strong hand on his wife’s arm. “Actually, Rolf,” he said, “it wasn’t the launch itself that kept me busy last night.” His voice sounded slightly blurred, tired. “We had a long session with the security people…”

  “Security?” Rolf squeaked. His heart gave a thump inside him.

  “Yes. Somebody’s been sneaking boatloads of tourists into the cleared area around Playalinda Beach. That’s not really very dangerous right now, but the security people are getting very upset about it. That area has to be cleared before we can launch, and if some thieving boat captain is taking advantage of the tourists and holds up our launch…” Rolf’s father clenched his fist tightly enough to bend metal. Fortunately he wasn’t holding his spoon at that moment.

  They finished breakfast in silence. Almost. The baby began crying as Rolf spooned the last of his milk-softened cereal flakes. Mrs. Gunnarson got up quickly and headed for the nursery. Used to be my playroom, Rolf couldn’t help reminding himself.