Mini Shopaholic

by Sophie Kinsella

  ‘Shops.’

  ‘No, Minnie!’ I snap. ‘Be quiet now!’

  Minnie looks as though she’s racking her brain for another way to put it – then her face lights up. ‘Visa?’

  Luke breaks off his conversation and stares at her, stricken.

  ‘Did she just say “Visa”?’

  ‘Isn’t she clever?’ I give an over-bright laugh. ‘The things children say …’

  ‘Becky, this is bad. Really bad.’

  He looks so upset I feel a sudden clanging in my chest.

  ‘It’s not bad!’ I say desperately. ‘She’s not … I’m not …’ I trail off helplessly. For a moment no one says anything except Minnie, who is still tugging my arm, exclaiming, ‘Visa!’

  At last I draw breath. ‘You really think there’s a problem, don’t you? Well, fine. If you think I should go to boot camp, I’ll go to boot camp.’

  ‘Don’t worry, Becky.’ Nanny Sue laughs. ‘It won’t be as bad as all that. It’ll simply be a programme of discussion and behaviour modification, based at our London headquarters, with a residential option for those from far away. We’ll be having workshops, one-to-ones, role play … I think you’ll enjoy it!’

  Enjoy it?

  She hands me a leaflet, which I can’t even bring myself to look at. I can’t believe I’ve agreed to go to boot camp. I knew we should never have let Nanny Sue back in the house.

  ‘The main thing is, Minnie’s OK.’ Luke exhales. ‘We’ve been really worried.’

  Nanny Sue takes a sip of tea and looks from him to me. ‘Out of interest … what made you think she had problems in the first place?’

  ‘I never did,’ I point out at once. ‘It was Luke. He said we couldn’t have another baby because we couldn’t control Minnie. He said she was too wild.’

  As I’m speaking, it hits me. He hasn’t got any more excuses! Result! I whip round to Luke.

  ‘So will you change your mind now about having another baby? You have to change your mind.’

  ‘I … don’t know.’ Luke looks cornered. ‘You don’t just rush into these things, Becky. It’s a big step …’

  ‘Everything in life is a big step!’ I say dismissively. ‘Don’t be a scaredy-cat. You think Minnie should have a sibling, don’t you?’ I appeal to Nanny Sue. ‘You think it would be good for her?’

  Ha. That’ll teach Luke. Two can play the Getting-Nanny-Sue-On-Their-Side game.

  ‘That’s a very personal decision.’ She looks thoughtful. ‘However, it’s sometimes helpful to discuss these things. Luke, is there a particular reason why you don’t want to have another child?’

  ‘No,’ says Luke after a long pause. ‘Not really.’ He looks very uncomfortable, I suddenly notice.

  Why is this such a sore point with him?

  ‘Of course, babies are disruptive little creatures …’ begins Nanny Sue.

  ‘Minnie wasn’t!’ I defend her immediately. ‘I mean, only a tiny bit—’ I break off in sudden dismay. ‘Is it because of when she chewed up those papers that time? Because she was teething, Luke, and you shouldn’t have left them on the bed, and you should have made photocopies—’

  ‘It’s not that!’ Luke cuts me with a sudden heat. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. That wouldn’t be a reason. That wouldn’t be—’ He breaks off abruptly, an odd, jarring note to his voice. His face is turned away, but I can see the tension growing in his neck.

  What is up?

  ‘I think there’s more to this than child behaviour, isn’t there, Luke?’ says Nanny Sue quietly, and I stare, agog. This is just like the TV show! ‘Take your time,’ she adds, as Luke takes a deep breath. ‘There’s no hurry.’

  There’s silence apart from Minnie chomping another shortbread. I don’t dare move a muscle. The whole atmosphere in the room has changed and become stiller. What’s he going to say?

  ‘Having Minnie has been wonderful.’ Luke speaks at last, his voice a little gruff. ‘But I just don’t feel as though I could give the same intensity of feeling to another child. And I couldn’t risk that. I know what it is to feel abandoned and unloved by a parent and I’m not going to do it to a child of my own.’

  I’m so gobsmacked I can’t even utter a sound. I had no idea Luke felt like this. None. None.

  ‘Why do you feel abandoned, Luke?’ Nanny Sue is using the soft, sympathetic voice she always uses at the end of the show.

  ‘My mother left me when I was small,’ says Luke matter-of-factly ‘We did meet in later life, but we never … bonded, you might say. Recently, we had a major disagreement, and as a result, I’m fairly sure we’ll never speak again.’

  ‘I see.’ Nanny Sue looks unfazed. ‘Have you made any attempts at reconciliation? Has she?’

  ‘My mother never gives me a thought.’ He gives a small, wry smile. ‘Trust me.’

  ‘Becky, are you familiar with this situation?’ Nanny Sue turns to me. ‘Do you feel that Luke’s mother never gives him a thought?’

  My face flames and I make a tiny, inarticulate noise that doesn’t mean anything.

  ‘Becky hates my mother even more than I do,’ chimes in Luke with a short laugh. ‘Don’t you, darling? I’m sure you’re heartily relieved that we never have to see her.’

  I gulp my tea, my face burning. This is unbearable. I’ve got about two hundred texts in my phone, all from Elinor, all about Luke. She’s done nothing this week except devote herself to giving him the best party in the world.

  But I can’t say anything. What can I say?

  ‘I was brought up by a wonderful stepmother.’ Luke is talking again. ‘She really was my mum. But even so, that feeling of abandonment never leaves you. If I had another child, and it felt abandoned …’ He winces. ‘I couldn’t do that.’

  ‘But why would it feel abandoned?’ asks Nanny Sue gently. ‘It would be your child. You would love it.’

  There’s a long silence – then Luke shakes his head.

  ‘That’s the trouble. My fear, if you like.’ His voice is suddenly very low and husky. ‘I don’t see how I could have enough affection to be split so many ways. I love Becky. I love Minnie. I’m done.’ He turns to me suddenly. ‘Don’t you feel that? Haven’t you ever felt afraid you might not have the capacity to love another child?’

  ‘Well, no,’ I say, a bit baffled. ‘I just feel like … the more the merrier.’

  ‘Luke, this is a very common fear,’ says Nanny Sue. ‘I’ve known many, many parents express this worry before having a second child. They look at their first, beloved child and all they can feel is guilt that there won’t be enough love to go round.’

  ‘Exactly.’ His brow furrows deeply. ‘That’s exactly it. It’s the guilt.’

  ‘But each of those parents, without exception, has said to me afterwards that there is enough love. There’s plenty.’ Her voice softens even more. ‘There’s plenty of love.’

  I feel a sudden pricking at my eyes.

  Oh, no way. I am not going to let Nanny Sue make me cry.

  ‘You didn’t know in advance how much you would love Minnie, did you?’ Nanny Sue says quietly to Luke. ‘But that didn’t stop you then.’

  There’s a long pause.

  My fingers are crossed tightly, I suddenly realize. Both hands. And my feet.

  ‘I … guess not,’ says Luke slowly at last. ‘I guess in the end you just have to have faith.’ He looks up at me and gives a tentative smile, and I beam joyfully back.

  Nanny Sue is the cleverest expert in the world, and I love her.

  It’s an hour before we’ve said our last goodbye to Nanny Sue, promised to stay in touch for ever and finally got Minnie into bed. Luke and I tiptoe out of her bedroom, lean back against the wall and look at each other silently for a moment.

  ‘So,’ says Luke at last.

  ‘So.’

  ‘Do you think we’ll have a boy or a girl?’ He pulls me towards him and I sink into his arms. ‘Do you think Minnie wants a brother or sister to boss around?’

  I c
an’t believe he’s talking like this. I can’t believe he’s so relaxed about it. Nanny Sue is such a genius. (Apart from the shopping-boot-camp bit, which looks hideous and I’ve already decided I’ll have to get out of somehow.)

  I close my eyes and lean against Luke’s chest, feeling suddenly warm and blissful. The party plans are all sorted. Luke wants another baby. Minnie’s a lovely, intelligent child. At last I can relax.

  ‘We’ve got so much to look forward to,’ I say happily.

  ‘Agreed.’ He smiles back, just as my phone rings. I see Bonnie’s ID and extricate myself to answer.

  ‘Oh hi!’ I say in a friendly but guarded tone. ‘I’m just with Luke—’

  ‘Does he have his BlackBerry on him?’ Bonnie interrupts in a really un-Bonnie-like way.

  ‘Er … he’s just switching it on, actually,’ I say, turning to look at him. (He turned it off while Nanny Sue was here, which just shows how much he respects her opinion.)

  ‘Take it from him. Find an excuse! Don’t let him see it!’

  She sounds frantic, and I react instantly.

  ‘Give me that!’ I snatch the BlackBerry out of Luke’s hand just as it starts buzzing and flashing. ‘Sorry!’ I quickly cover with a laugh. ‘It’s just … my friend from work wants to talk about different BlackBerry models. You don’t mind, do you?’

  ‘Don’t let him look at his computer either!’ Bonnie’s voice is in my ear. ‘Nothing with emails on it!’

  ‘Luke, could you make me a cup of tea?’ I say shrilly. ‘Right away? In fact … I’m feeling a bit ill. Maybe you could bring it to me in bed? And some toast?’

  ‘Well … OK.’ Luke gives me a slightly strange look. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Bathroom!’ I gasp, heading away. ‘Just make the tea! Thank you!’

  I hurry into our bedroom, grab his laptop off the desk and hide it in my wardrobe, then turn breathlessly back to the phone. ‘What’s up, Bonnie?’

  ‘Becky, I’m afraid a short while ago …’ She’s breathing fast. ‘I made a rather significant mistake.’

  A mistake? Bonnie?

  Oh my God. The strain has got to her. She’s messed up some piece of work and now she’s getting me to cover up her tracks. Maybe she’ll ask me to fabricate evidence or lie to Luke or delete emails off his computer. I feel simultaneously touched that she trusts me enough to ask me … and remorse that I’ve driven her to such a state.

  ‘Were you upset by Luke telling you off?’ I demand. ‘Is that why you made a mistake?’

  ‘I was a little flustered this afternoon,’ she says hesitantly, ‘yes.’

  ‘I knew it!’ I clutch my head. ‘Bonnie, I feel so bad about what happened. Was Luke really angry with you?’

  ‘He wasn’t unreasonable, in the circumstances, but I was shaken, I must confess—’

  ‘Bonnie, stop right there.’ My voice is trembling with resolution. ‘Whatever you’ve done, whatever mistake you’ve made, whatever losses Brandon Communications suffer as a result … there is no way it was your fault. I won’t let Luke fire you. I’ll defend you to the hilt!’

  I have a sudden image of myself squaring up to Luke in his office, holding Bonnie by the wrist and saying, ‘Do you realize what a treasure this woman is? Do you realize what an asset she is?’

  ‘Becky, dear, don’t worry! I haven’t made any mistake regarding Brandon Communications.’ Bonnie’s voice cuts into my reverie. ‘I’m afraid it’s to do with the party.’

  ‘The party?’ I feel a sudden tremor. ‘What’s happened?’

  ‘As you know, today was the day I informed the company about Luke’s surprise. I sent out the group email and all went smoothly. People are very excited and pleased.’

  ‘Right.’ I’m trying to quell a growing panic. ‘So …’

  ‘I then realized that I hadn’t mentioned the group birthday card. So I prepared a second email, informing the recipients that the card was in reception and would be presented to Luke at the party. I was just spell-checking when I thought I heard Luke’s voice. In my confusion, I hastily sent the email and closed down my screen.’ She pauses. ‘I didn’t realize my error till later.’

  ‘Your error?’ My heart is pounding. ‘Oh God. You didn’t send it to Luke, did you?’

  ‘Yes, I’m afraid it went to Luke,’ says Bonnie after the briefest of pauses.

  I feel a tiny flash of shock, like sparks in my head. Breathe in … breathe out …

  ‘It’s fine.’ I’m amazed how calm I’m being, like a trained paramedic. ‘Don’t worry, Bonnie. I’ll delete it off his computer and his BlackBerry. No harm done. Thank God you caught it, that’s all—’

  ‘Becky, you don’t understand. Luke got it because he’s on our General Contacts list. That’s where I sent it by mistake.’

  ‘General Contacts?’ I echo uncertainly. ‘Well … who’s that? Who’s on the list?’

  ‘Around ten thousand City analysts, pundits and national press. I’m afraid it went out to all of them.’

  I feel another flash – but this one isn’t tiny sparks. It’s massive, crashing, overwhelming tsunamis of horror.

  ‘Ten thousand people?’

  ‘Of course I immediately sent a retraction and asked for complete discretion. But I’m afraid it’s not as easy as that. People have started responding. Birthday messages have started arriving for Luke. His in-box is full. He’s had fifty-six already.’

  With a shaking thumb I jab at Luke’s inbox on his BlackBerry. As it opens up, a list of unread emails fills the screen.

  Many Happy Returns, Buddy!

  Wishing You a Good One

  Happy Birthday and all the best from the marketing team at HSBC

  I can hear Luke’s tread as he comes up the stairs. I want to gibber with panic. I need to hide the BlackBerry. I need to hide everything, squash everything away.

  ‘He’ll guess everything!’ I whisper in horror, ducking into the bathroom. ‘We have to delete them! We have to stop them!’

  ‘I know.’ Bonnie sounds fairly desperate, too. ‘But it seems people have been forwarding the email on. He’s getting messages from all over the place. I don’t know how we can contain them.’

  ‘But it’s a secret!’ I almost wail. ‘Don’t they realize?’

  ‘Becky.’ Bonnie sighs. ‘Maybe you’ve kept the secret for long enough. The party’s only two days away. Isn’t it time to tell Luke?’

  I stare at the phone in utter shock. She thinks I should just give up? After all this?

  ‘Absolutely not!’ I retort in a savage whisper. ‘No way! I’m giving him a surprise party, OK? A surprise. I’ll just have to distract Luke so he doesn’t see any emails or anything.’

  ‘Dear, you can’t possibly distract him from his emails for two entire days—’

  ‘Yes I can! I’ll lose his BlackBerry, and I’ll deal with his laptop somehow … Get the tech guys to delete all the emails if they can. Keep me posted. Bonnie, I’ve got to go …’

  ‘Becky?’ Luke is calling from the bedroom. ‘Darling, are you OK?’

  I ring off, gaze at Luke’s BlackBerry for a heart-thumping moment, then quickly stamp on it, treading it into the tiled floor. There. Take that, ten thousand people all giving my secret party away.

  ‘Becky?’

  I open the door to see him standing with a mug and plate bearing two slices of toast.

  ‘Are you OK?’ He peers at me in concern, then holds out his hand. ‘Can I have my BlackBerry back?’

  ‘I … broke it. Sorry.’

  ‘Jesus!’ He stares in shock at the mangled remains. ‘How the hell did you do that?’ He looks around the room. ‘Where’s my laptop got to? I’ll have to email Bonnie—’

  ‘No!’ My cry is so piercing he gives a startled flinch and tea slops out of the mug. ‘Forget your laptop! Forget everything! Luke …’ I cast desperately around. ‘I’m … ovulating!’

  Yes!

  ‘What?’ He stares blankly at me.

  ‘Right now!’ I no
d firmly. ‘This minute! I just did a test. They’re very specific these days. So we need to get down to it! Quickly! Minnie’s asleep, it’s just you and me in the house …’ I sidle up to him suggestively, take the mug and plate out of his hands and dump them on a shelf. ‘Come on, darling.’ I lower my voice huskily. ‘Let’s make a baby.’

  ‘Well, there’s a thought.’ His eyes gleam as I start to unbutton his shirt and tug it out of his trousers. ‘No time like the present.’

  ‘Absolutely.’ I close my eyes and run my hand down his chest in my most sultry way. ‘I am so in the mood.’

  Actually, it’s true. All the adrenalin pumping round my body is getting me quite hot and bothered. I pull his shirt off completely and move closer, breathing in his faint scent of sweat and aftershave. Mmmm. This was a very good idea.

  ‘Right back at you,’ murmurs Luke against my neck. He’s obviously in the mood too, in quite a major way. Excellent. I’m good for a few hours. He won’t even think about laptops or BlackBerries. In fact, if I play things right, this will take care of things till morning. And then …

  Oh God. I’ve got no idea. I’ll just have to think of something else. I’ve got plenty of time to work out a plan.

  All I know is one thing. He’s having a surprise on Friday night, if it kills me.

  NINETEEN

  OK, it practically is killing me. It’s seven thirty the next morning and I’m totally sleep-deprived because every time I was about to drop off, Luke would murmur something like ‘I’ll just check my emails’ and I had to do my sultry nymphomaniac act all over again.

  Which, you know, had its benefits. But now we truly are sated, both of us. I mean, really. We’re done. (For the moment, at least.) And I know Luke’s mind will be roaming. So far, I’ve managed to keep him confined to the bedroom. I brought us all breakfast in bed, and he’s sipping his second cup of coffee while Minnie eats a piece of toast. But any minute he’ll start looking at his watch and saying—

  ‘Have you seen my laptop?’ He looks up.

  I knew it.

  ‘Um … Have you lost it?’ I prevaricate.

  ‘It must be around here …’ He pushes at the shirt which he discarded on the floor last night.