“She’s not saying anything I haven’t already told myself. She’s right. Savannah, this probably won’t provide you with much comfort, and it doesn’t excuse anything, but you have to know that I only did what I thought was best. He was helpful, and he did do a lot of work for me, but eventually it got to be too much for him. I thought I was being a good friend by cutting his workload. I was only trying to help. You have to believe that, Savannah. I’d give anything to do it all differently, but I can’t. If you want to spend the rest of your life blaming me, go ahead, but please don’t think that I did any of this on purpose.”
I’m too tired and emotionally drained to stand, so I carefully crawl my way over to the sofa, prop my face in my hands, and lean back against the cushions. “I’m sorry, Ben,” I softly say. “I’m so sorry. Of course you did what you thought was right, and I’m grateful for what you did. I’m just so hurt and so angry. So unbelievably angry.” I sigh loudly. “Will you please forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive, Savannah,” Ben says, picking himself up from the floor. “Will someone please tell us what happened? How did he…,” Ben forlornly hangs his head.
“I’ll make some coffee. Maybe it would be better for us to sit around the table to discuss the situation,” Julia suggests.
I nod. We all follow her into the kitchen, and once we’ve situated our mugs, I begin to tell the story, “You know I was supposed to fly with him to Colorado, but instead, I dropped him off at the airport because he cancelled my ticket the night before. He told me that he didn’t want me to miss more school than necessary, and he also had a whole list of reasons why it would be better for me not to fly with him. I never once suspected anything out of the ordinary. We said our goodbyes, and I left him after he’d passed through security.”
“There was nothing he said that seemed odd? His demeanor wasn’t off?” Lizzy asks.
I shake my head. “The only thing that makes better sense now than it did before is that he kept telling me everything he does, he does for me. I thought he was talking about getting treatment, or cancelling my flight, or something along those lines. I now know that he was talking about leaving me.”
“So, he never got on the plane?” Ben asks.
“No. A deputy showed up at my door earlier today and said that Fletcher left the airport and rented a car. He drove it to some isolated spot not far from I-10, and a patrolman who was making his rounds found him. They believe he took an overdose of sleeping pills, but they won’t know for sure until the toxicology results come back. He left this note. It’s not the original, but they said I’ll get the original as soon as they wrap up the case.” I gently place the envelope I’d been fiddling with on the table and push it towards Ben.
“Are you sure?” he quietly asks. I nod. He takes the envelope and excuses himself to read it.
The front door opens and just as quickly, slams shut. “Mom! I got your note saying I should meet you at Aunt Savannah’s… Whoa, who died?” Molly jokes. After studying the looks on our faces, anxiety shows on hers. “Mom, did someone die?”
I turn my face away from her.
“Oh, Mom. It wasn’t… was it? Did something happen to Uncle Fletcher?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so, sweetheart,” Julia answers.
Hearing the distraught wails coming from young Molly kills me. I manage to quickly kiss the top of her head before dashing into our bedroom. My bedroom. There is no more “our.” Fletcher left me. He abandoned me. He abandoned all of us, and now he’s gone forever while we’re left behind to tread water in a sea of sorrow and regret.
After about half an hour of being alone, Lizzy cracks the bedroom door. She tiptoes through the dark room and slips in the bed next to me.
“The pillows smell like him,” I whisper. Lizzy doesn’t respond. Instead, she lightly strokes my hair. “Are Julia and Molly still here?”
“No,” she quietly answers, “they left about ten minutes ago. Julia said she’ll come by tomorrow morning to help you with the arrangements.”
I nod. “I’m sorry I attacked Ben.”
“Don’t. We both understand. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this pain again.”
“You’d think it would quit hurting so much by now, right? I’ve been dealing with pain and loss my entire life, yet it still manages to crush me.” A single tear rolls from the corner of my eye.
“I don’t think it’ll ever not hurt to lose someone you love, Savannah.”
“Fletcher wants me to finish school, and he wants me to find someone new to love, and he wants me to go on like none of this has even fazed me. How in the hell am I supposed to do that?”
“You just take it one step at a time. Each day will get easier,” Lizzy answers.
“I’m pregnant.”
Lizzy sits up in the bed. “What?” she exclaims.
“I didn’t want to tell him until he got back because I wanted him to focus on the treatment instead of me. He died without knowing he’s going to be a father.”
“Oh, Savannah,” Lizzy gasps. “Why didn’t you say anything before? Are you feeling okay? The stress. The…”
I shake my head. “I’m okay, at least as far as that is concerned. I’m not cramping or bleeding. I promise that I’ll try to rest more and to be more careful with how I handle things. If I lose this baby, then I lose everything. I lose my last connection to Fletcher, and I can’t let that happen.”
“You’ll just have to lean on us more. Ben can stay down here for a couple of weeks before he has to go back to Texas. I can stay as long as you need.”
“Thank you for being such a great friend. I always wished that you were my sister,” I admit.
“What are you talking about?” Lizzy asks. “I AM your sister.”
I manage to give her a slight smile before rolling away from her. She moves in close so she can wrap her arm around me, and it’s then, with me holding Fletcher’s pillow and knowing that Lizzy is at my back, that I’m finally able to sleep.
Chapter Sixteen
Fletcher’s farewell is very small and intimate. Since it’s just Julia, Henry, Molly, Ben, Lizzy, and I, we decide to have a graveside service only. The funeral home arranged for a military burial, and knowing that Fletcher is being honored as the hero he was brings me comfort. I’m dazed throughout the service; I’m startled at the twenty-one gun salute, and tears fall freely during “Taps.” I graciously accept the folded flag from the white gloved honor guard member and clutch it to my chest as they lower the man I’d intended to grow old with into his final resting place.
It’s not until we’re walking away, and I hear Molly tearfully pleading to her father to please take care of her Uncle Fletcher that I can’t go anymore. I fall to my knees.
“Savannah, come on. Let’s get you home,” Lizzy says, while Ben helps me to stand.
“Does she need to go to the hospital?” Ben asks with concern.
“She’s exhausted,” Lizzy explains. “She needs food and rest.”
Their voices seem so distant. I look across the cemetery for Lucas’ grave, and I easily spot it thanks to the blue teddy bear I keep out there. Standing beside it, I swear that I see Fletcher dressed in his military uniform. He waves to me, reaches his hand to the side, and a little blond boy runs through the headstones to join him. Fletcher points in my direction, and waves again. The little boy looks to see what Fletcher is pointing at, and when he sees me, he smiles and waves frantically.
“Please tell me that you see them. Please,” I desperately whisper to Ben and Lizzy.
“See who? Where?” Lizzy asks, looking in the same direction.
“Over there. Do you see them? No, they’re leaving. Don’t go. Don’t go without me.”
Fletcher and Lucas blow me kisses then gradually disappear as they walk away hand in hand. I try calling to them, but they don’t stop.
I wake up in a cold sweat and gasping for breath. It’s the same dream I’ve had every single night since Fletcher’s funeral tw
o weeks before. My first instinct is to touch his side of the bed. It’s still empty. I slide out of bed because I know by now that sleep is futile after having “the dream.” Clicking on the light in the office, I find Fletcher’s journal. It’s right where I left it the day I found out he’d died. I hadn’t had the heart to open it, but it’s time. The first page I turn to happens to be a bookmarked page dedicated to the day we found each other.
I met a girl today, and there is something very different about her. We’ve never met in person, but I’m drawn to her. Today is supposed to be the day that I end it all—the memories, the pain, the suffering. I called to find out my electric bill balance because I wanted to make sure that I left enough money behind for Julia to pay my outstanding bills. This woman, she intrigued me so much that I’ve asked her to find me. Maybe she’ll do it. I hope she finds me. I don’t know what it is about her, but she’s special.
I flip to another section.
They were gone for awhile, but now they’re back. Why do I get no reprieve? I served my country. I live a good life. Why can’t I shake them once and for all? It’s like I’m destined to relive the torture, hear their laughter ringing in my ears, smell their briny stench for the rest of my life. I can’t live like that. I won’t live like that.
I find another entry.
I’m trying so hard to find balance. Savannah is the woman of my dreams, and I know we can have an amazing life together—if I can just be normal. I’m going to keep doing my best to keep the demons at bay. I wish I ruled my life, not them.
I’m so grateful that Savannah’s in school now. It’s been so exhausting trying to keep the secret day in and day out.
I woke up early this morning, like around three in the morning, and it wasn’t until I was fully awake that I realized I was in the kitchen with a steak knife in my hand. What was I going to do with it? Go back in time and kill my captors? Kill myself? Kill Savannah? It’s getting bad, much too bad for me to risk hurting her any worse than I already have. She says I gave her life. How tragic would it be if I were the one to accidentally take it from her? I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen. I know what I have to do.
I turn to the last entry.
Everything is set. It’s so much harder keeping this from Savannah than I thought it would be, but I know it has to be done. The demons have taken over completely. I used to be able to control them somewhat, but I’m no longer able to fight them. The nightmares are unbearable. The constant fear and paranoia rob me of my every happiness. The blackouts are getting more frequent, and violence comes too easily. I wish I knew for sure that the center could help me, but I feel in my gut that it will only be a temporary fix to a permanent problem. I’m too broken, and the pieces shattered into such tiny pieces that even if I were able to be “fixed,” I’d never be right. There are too many scars. Too many regrets. Too many evil memories seared into my brain. Savannah deserves so much more. I love her more than my life, and that’s why I feel compelled to sacrifice myself for her happiness. She’ll hurt because I know without a doubt that her love for me is real and pure, but it’s important that she heal from my passing the same way she healed from the other tragedies in her life. I envy her strength, I admire her courage, and I adore her passion. Savannah, if you’re reading this, please promise me that you won’t mourn for too long. Pick up the pieces, stay positive, continue your schooling, and know that I’m finally at peace. I’m so tired, Savannah. So incredibly tired that I can’t bear the thought of having to live in my hell for one more day. Forgive me for being selfish, my love. I’m not asking you to understand; I’m asking you to trust that I’m doing what I believe to be in our best interest. Your love has saved me so many times, you’ve been so incredibly patient with me, and I fear that one day you’ll grow resentful. You’d swear to me that you won’t, but sweetheart, I feel it will be inevitable. It might have been five years down the road, ten years down the road, maybe even twenty or more. How are you going to feel when you look back on your life and realize I’m what held you back? Savannah, please find happiness, because it’s only through your joy that I will live on. I love you so much, and I’m so sorry for this. I wish I could’ve been the man you thought I was-- the man I wanted to be for you. Thank you for giving me the best years of my life. I’m yours always. Fletcher
I close the journal and toss it on the desk. I can’t understand why I didn’t see it. Why didn’t I pick up on the warning signs? Maybe I should’ve had him committed until the bed at the facility came available? Fletcher would be alive if I had. I feel laden with guilt and uncertainty. Fletcher begged me not to feel this way, but it’s impossible not to wonder what might have been. What if I had told him about the baby? Would that have been enough to make him change his mind? My heart aches for him, and my body longs for his touch. My ears crave the sound of his voice, and my eyes would give anything to see him walk through the door. The only concrete sense that I have available to me is his smell. It’s still all around me, so I close my eyes and breathe in deeply. Why did you have to leave me, Fletcher? Why did you have to die?
Though I’m physically and emotionally exhausted, I resolve to follow Fletcher’s final wishes to the best of my ability. It might not be today, tomorrow, or even months from now, but one day my heart will heal. It has to for Fletcher’s sake and for the sake of our unborn child.
Chapter Seventeen
Fletcher wasn’t there the day I graduated nursing school, but Julia, Henry, and Molly were. He wasn’t there the day that I got my letter stating I’d passed the state boards, but Julia made sure we celebrated with a nice dinner and a small party. Fletcher wasn’t there the day I welcomed his son into the world, but Julia was my coach. He also missed it when his daughter arrived twelve minutes later. I think the day the twins were born was the first day that I truly began to heal. It’s also the first time I got a sign from Fletcher.
Not long after the twins were born, an elderly gentleman entered the suite. He wore dress blues, and said that he was passing out American flags to the veterans when something drew him to my room. I explained to him that my deceased husband was a war veteran, and he made sure that both of the babies had one of the little flags for their baby books. Though Fletcher wasn’t there physically when the children were born, I felt him in my heart. The older gentleman confirmed it for me.
Fletcher Matthew Reilly is every bit the spitting image of his father. Amelia Rose Reilly has some of his features, but the majority of her characteristics are mine. It’s difficult being a single mother of newborn twins, so I decide to take a year off before I consider finding a job. Julia and Molly pitch in as much as they can, with Molly going as far as spending the night or entire weekends with me when she’s free. We grow incredibly close, and I enjoy watching her grow into a beautiful young woman.
Julia and Henry marry the day the twins turn nine months. The fussy duo makes an appearance with the wedding party by fussing so much that I have to hold them, one on each hip, while standing on the altar with the bride and the groom. Luckily, the guests laugh when the little ones begin a chorus of “dah” and “muh muh muh” back and forth to each other. They also draw laughter when they vigorously shake their heads back and forth in the “no” fashion, then stop long enough to laugh and point at each other before doing it again.
Mortified, I continually whisper to Julia that I’m sorry, even going so far as offering to leave with the babies, but she insists that we all stay right where we are. That’s how our family works now. It isn’t just me and the babies in one family, and Julia, Henry, and Molly in another, we are one big cohesive unit that works well together. It’s hard to believe that Julia is the same woman who gave me the cold shoulder the first day I met her. She was simply sister-in-law once upon a time, but now I consider her a sister in every sense of the word.
Lizzy and I still talk on a regular basis, but she and Ben are so busy with the restaurants that I hardly see her anymore. Additional stores opened in five more states, so
most of our conversations happen while she’s on the road. She and Ben are incredibly happy even though their life is hectic, and I’m glad that Lizzy has finally found the acceptance she’s always craved. Her parents have come around somewhat since learning of Ben’s success, but she’s still very cautious around them, and in her words, she sees them in “very small doses.”
As time goes by, I receive more signs. Most are small; some are huge: a daisy on my doorstep, the babies staring off in a direction where there is nothing to be seen, very vivid dreams. Those signs are my favorite, yet I despised them at the same time. I love how real they feel. I can touch him, smell him, hear him, talk to him. They also make me incredibly sad afterwards when the realization hits that he’s not with me anymore. I continue to miss him terribly.
A windfall of signs comes when I take the kids in for their two year old checkups. The children happily play while we wait to be called to the back. They’re generally good in the doctor’s office, and the fact that Dr. Gettis is also a young single mother makes her all the more understanding on the days when the twins are cranky or in overdrive.
We’re finally called to the back and waiting in the exam room, when I start fussing at little Fletcher for digging in the drawers. I’m also asking Amelia to please get up off the floor, and neither one of them wants to listen. I scoop them up and place them on the exam table then make a temporary barricade with my arms. They quiet down as I tell the story of The Three Little Pigs in as animated a voice as possible.
“…and I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blooooooooow the house in,” I roar. “Not by the hair of my…”
The door opens, and I’m startled to see Dr. Goodman entering the room. “Chinny chin chin?” he asks since I remain silent.
Yours Always Page 21