Ethan had missed the beginning of group last week. It started out with Jenna asking if anyone had had any victories, little or big. A couple of people shared what they felt were milestones. Ethan was thinking big fucking deal, but he kept his mouth shut. He’d gotten out of bed that day…even though he hadn’t been able to write shit, in spite of what his psychologist had said. Maybe the folks here would clap for him for admitting he’d been able to drag his ass out of bed this morning.
It really was a victory some days, but no way would he tell these people that. No way could he risk looking weak.
* * *
He was glad when Jenna moved on and had people start talking about what she’d asked them to consider over the past week. He’d forgotten about that bit of “homework.” He tried to pay attention, but he was nowhere near feeling like the world was a shiny, happy place. Not like some of these folks. Maybe in a year or two. And he’d even be happy never feeling that way as long as he could get rid of the fucking cloud.
The hour passed and it was time to take a break. He got another cup of coffee and chatted some with Jay. Jay turned out to not be intimidating at all. He wanted to ask Ethan about the band and usual fan-type questions. It helped Ethan to relax, and he started to not mind the group so much. So when it was time to sit back down in the circle, his guard was down. He wasn’t ready for what happened next.
Jenna looked straight at him. God, she was beautiful. He could almost imagine the two of them alone.
But then she opened her mouth.
“Ethan, you’re kind of getting a feel for the group now, right?”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“We share a lot here. It’s part of the healing process. And…if you’re up for it, I’d love for you to share something that you think brought you here today.”
He felt his eyes narrow. “What’s that mean exactly?” The little minx, using his infatuation for her against him.
But she had a completely innocent look on her face. She was sincere…and he believed her. He wanted to try. She said, “We are nothing more than a sum of our past. We are our history. And until we can accept that and understand how our past drives our present behaviors, we are destined to be slaves to our habits. So…if you start sharing, thinking about what’s got you here, you can begin to learn the how and why about your behavior.” She raised her eyebrows as though encouraging him.
Ethan dug deep. This was a pivotal moment. He could just say fuck it and leave…but wasn’t that what he’d always done? Maybe she was right. Maybe that was why he could never get past it. So he looked her in the eyes and nodded. He trusted her…and he was going to try.
Chapter Eleven
GOD, JENNA FELT like such a fake. Here she was goading Ethan into exploring his past so he could heal and move on when she’d just the night before realized she’d been burying her own past as deep as it would go.
Still, her job here was not herself. It was to help Ethan and all the other people here learn how to go on without all the substances they’d relied on for so long. She could take care of herself on her own time. She also knew that sometimes the greatest teachers weren’t able to take their own advice. She hadn’t given up on herself yet, but now was not the time.
So she looked at Ethan through earnest eyes, hoping to encourage him to share. She knew from their short time together that Ethan had a lot of healing to do, but she got the idea that he didn’t even know how deep the scars went. She wanted him to open up, to share…so he could begin to heal. He didn’t even know everything he was dealing with.
It was a relief to see him take a deep breath and nod. He searched her eyes and then looked around the room at the other folks in the circle, the ones who had either been where he was now at one time or who were still hurting like he was. This was a group of kindred souls, even if they were from much different paths, and as they shared, their bonds would form and maybe some of these fragile people could learn to trust again, even if it was tenuous.
When Ethan started speaking, his voice was softer, probably gentler than Jenna had ever heard it. “What got me here. Well…there’s a lot, actually, but there’s a defining moment. Um…one of my first memories ever. I think it helped shape who I am.
“I was pretty young. I wasn’t in school yet, but I’m not sure how old I was. I was playing with this red metal fire truck. It was as big as my arm, but even as a kid, I thought it was pretty bad ass. I think my grandpa had given it to me for my birthday. It was snowing outside, so I was sitting on the living room floor. I remember it was a wooden floor, and I liked it because I could push the truck and it would slide across the floor.” He was silent for a moment, and it appeared as though he were really trying to relive that point in time. “I can still hear the sound those plastic wheels made rolling across the floor.
“Anyway, mom was in the kitchen baking cookies for Christmas. It smelled good, and I kept asking her if I could have one, but she told me no over and over…”
“Just one cookie, mommy?”
“No, baby bear. You know your daddy doesn’t like it when you have sweets before dinner.”
“Just one?”
“No, baby.” She was so beautiful. Her smile made him so happy, even though she wasn’t going to give him that cookie he wanted so badly. She tousled his hair. “Now, go play so mama can finish making dinner.”
He started to turn away, but he smiled up at his mother one more time. He remembered the magic word. “Please?” His mother appeared to be thinking about it again. “I love you, mommy.”
That did it. She smiled again and shook her head. She whispered. “Okay. Just one.” She walked over to the kitchen counter and picked a cookie up off the cooling rack.
Ethan stopped talking for a minute, and it was evident to Jenna that he was struggling with something. She figured he was coming to the realization that he had learned to manipulate people early in life. Maybe this was an epiphany for him. He wouldn’t look up, so she knew that what he was about to say was painful for him.
“She gave me that cookie, and I was so happy. I went back to my fire truck in the living room and started playing again. I could see my mom in the kitchen from where I was sitting on the floor.”
Ethan kept playing with the truck and, after eating half the cookie, put the rest on the top of the truck under where the ladder laid flat until the next time Ethan would raise it to save a fictitious little person from a high rise building. A little while later, his mother came in the room and washed his mouth and fingers with a warm washcloth. “Daddy’s home now, baby.” Ethan smiled and stood up. It was their habit to greet his father by standing in the living room and welcoming him in.
When his father walked in the door, even young Ethan could tell the man had had a bad day. His mouth curled down in a scowl and his brow was furrowed. His mother’s steps were tentative, but she moved forward just the same. “How was your day?”
His father’s face didn’t change as he said, “Shitty. Bring me something to drink.” She nodded and bent her head, turning to walk toward the kitchen. His voice was a little less gruff when he looked at Ethan and said, “What did you do today?” His father started walking toward the couch near the boy.
“Played fire truck.”
His father smiled and sat on the couch. “You sure do love that fire truck, don’t you?”
Ethan nodded and began to smile back. His father’s anger had subsided, so the boy walked back to his fire truck and sat down to play again. He heard his mother behind him. She said, “Is a beer all right?”
“That’ll do for now. What’s for dinner?”
“Chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes. It’ll be ready in a few minutes.”
“For Christ’s sake, June, please tell me you didn’t use those shitty powdered flakes again.”
Her voice was low. “No. I made them from scratch. You can check the garbage. There are potato peels in there.”
“I believe you.” Ethan heard the tab on the beer can make the c
racking noise it did when his father opened it.
“Well…um…I’m going to go finish up.”
The smell of the cookies no longer lingered in the air. Instead, Ethan caught a whiff of down home aromas—salt-and-pepper seasoning, breaded beef fried in vegetable oil, potatoes boiling on the stove. The cookies weren’t on his mind anymore anyway…that is, until he lifted up the ladder on the fire truck and discovered the three bites left. He picked up the cookie and took a small bite and then set the remainder on his leg. He lifted the ladder and finger-walked up it as though his hand were performing a dangerous rescue in an apartment building. Once his fingers had made it safely back to the truck, he used them to pick up the cookie again and take another bite. By the time his mother called him to dinner, he’d finished it.
He walked in the kitchen and, in a matter of seconds, saw his father’s face turn red. His voice sounded like the growl of a dog when he said, “What’s that all over his face?”
His mother’s face, in sharp contrast, turned as white as the snow that was starting to drift to the ground outside. “Uh, Ethan, baby, let’s go to the bathroom and get you cleaned up.”
“I asked what the hell is all over his face?”
Ethan couldn’t understand what the big deal was, but then he realized maybe his dad thought he’d pooped his pants. He got in trouble for that once a long time ago before he’d learned to hold it and go to the toilet like a big boy. So he said, “Cookie, daddy.”
His father’s voice turned even more guttural. “Cookie?”
“Just a bite. I was baking today.” The tremor in his mother’s voice made Ethan nervous. He didn’t know why, but he was suddenly scared.
His mother was leading him by the hand toward the bathroom, but before they’d taken two steps, Ethan heard his father’s chair scrape against the kitchen floor. In seconds, his father was behind them, his fist wrapped around June’s bun, pulling her back. She let out a squeal and let go of Ethan’s hand. Quickly, she said, “Ethan, baby. Go to your room for now. I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.” As his father jerked her head back, she let out another scream. “Now, baby.” A small sob escaped her mouth and Ethan obeyed, running down the hall to his room.
But he didn’t go inside his room. Instead, he froze when he heard a drawn-out scream from his mother as his father began cursing. “I’ve told you no sweets. Goddammit, woman, will you never fucking learn?” Ethan heard a loud crash as plates fell to the floor and broke and then he heard another scream followed by sobs.
The little boy felt a tight knot in his stomach and felt the need to get his fire truck. He would get his truck and hide in his room until his dad was done yelling. His dad was still talking in a low growl to his mother and his mother was still weeping, but she was trying to keep it to herself. Maybe, Ethan thought, he could sneak in and get his truck and no one would know.
So he walked softly into the living room from the hallway straight to his truck. But when he picked it up and turned, he looked into the kitchen and then couldn’t look away. He wasn’t sure what was happening, but the staccato rhythm of the table legs scraping on the floor kept him mesmerized. One of his father’s hands was still coiled in his mother’s hair but the other was on her back and she was bent over the table. Ethan wasn’t sure what was happening as his father towered over his mother’s back, but his father was cursing through gritted teeth and the side of his mother’s face was pressed into the table. She said nothing but Ethan knew she was crying. He might not know what was happening, but he knew it wasn’t right.
“Stupid fucking woman. You will never do anything right.”
Ethan would never forget the way his father’s pelvis continued to slam into his mother’s rear, and he wondered why his father thought it a fitting punishment. Ethan decided he would never eat another cookie again.
He took a deep breath. He still couldn’t look up. His eyes were focused on the floor, his voice quiet. “I’ve never told anyone that before.”
Sam nodded and said, “I’m sure it took a lot to share that with us, buddy.”
Ethan inhaled again. At first, while he’d been talking, it was as though he’d been transported back in time. He was scared of his father, confused about what was going on and why it was such a big fucking deal, and he was humiliated for his mother.
But the one thing he felt after was what he’d felt as a kid…the power and the anger of that stupid woman failing to get it right. He was ashamed of that now, but he also realized that his father had influenced him, even when Ethan had hated the man’s guts.
He’d been close to numb, then horror, then almost tears just moments ago, but now he felt relief. It was huge. He looked up to see the eyes of the people who understood him, the people who were becoming his friends. He nodded and felt a small smile creep up on his face. He felt Jay’s hand clap his shoulder. “Yeah, man. That’s some heavy shit.”
Ethan smiled a little more. “Feels good to let go.” But then he made eye contact with Jenna. He couldn’t read her, not at all, but something was bothering her. He might not have known her for very long, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew something he’d said had gotten to her. He just wondered what the hell it was.
Chapter Twelve
JENNA CLAMPED HER jaw together as she felt the tears sting her eyes. She had to keep her shit together.
But for some unexplained reason, Ethan’s story grabbed her in the throat. It wrenched her by the heart, and she felt like a sheet blowing in a gale. She couldn’t stop the effect his story was having on her, but if she could just hold it together until they were done…
She took a deep breath as he wrapped up his story and felt deep gratitude as a couple of the men congratulated Ethan on sharing his story. There was a huge lump in her throat that she couldn’t swallow.
She found herself—her real self—buried deep in her chest while her tough persona took charge. After giving the group a rapid cursory pep talk, she shooed them out and started cleaning up. She needed fresh air and wanted to get out of there fast.
Ethan was hanging around, putting chairs up. He was whistling quietly while she cleaned up the coffee pot area. When everyone else had finally drifted out of the room, he said, “Everything okay?”
It took her a few seconds to realize he was talking to her…and his question made the tears sting her eyes again. She inhaled sharply as she wiped off the counter. “Fine.”
But after all the chairs were put up and she was done with the coffee, Ethan stood beside her. “Bullshit.”
She clenched her jaw again and managed to maintain eye contact. “What?”
He held her by the shoulders. “Seriously, Jenna. What the hell’s wrong?”
She felt her mouth screw up, and she felt irritated that he wouldn’t take a hint. She didn’t want to talk about it, but his story had affected her more deeply than she wanted to admit. “I said nothing.” She sighed and tried to pull away. “I’m tired. I want to go home and go to bed.”
But Ethan left his hands on her shoulders. He wasn’t rough but his touch was firm. He raised his eyebrows. “Last chance.”
The emotional dam collapsed under the weight of her distress. She started to laugh. “Or what?”
He smiled. “I don’t know. Try me.”
And then she started crying…loud heavy sobs. He pulled her into his chest and then the flood began. Suddenly her veins were flooded with body chemicals, inducing relaxation. She just gave in to her emotions. She knew Ethan understood. She didn’t want him to, didn’t want him to help her like she was supposed to help him, but she was unable to stop it.
“Do you want to talk about it?” As she began taking deep breaths and the tears began to subside, she felt Ethan’s hand rubbing her back, soothing her into quieting.
She shook her head, a gesture so minute, she wondered if Ethan could even sense it. “No, not really.” Then she felt his hand glide down her hair, and she wanted to melt into him. She pulled away from him enough to look in his face. She sn
iffed. She probably looked like complete shit. She was sure her mascara was messed up, and she knew her face had to be blotchy and red. She forced a small smile anyway. “But thanks.”
He didn’t seem to notice, though. His finger traced a line down the side of her face and ended under her chin. “It’s okay to feel something, Jenna. I understand.”
Holy shit. He really did.
And then he leaned over and his lips touched hers. Her eyes closed. His lips were warm and soft and she barely felt them. Involuntarily, her hands clenched, grabbing the back of his t-shirt into her fists. His hand moved to her neck, cupping her at the nape, as his kiss grew a little firmer. Her breath wouldn’t come back to her as she felt his tongue inside her mouth.
She was finally able to exhale as he kissed her forehead and wrapped his arms around her. “It’s okay. We can do this together.”
* * *
Jenna pulled away from Ethan, not much, and he wasn’t going to let her get far. Her voice was barely audible when she said, “We can’t do this, Ethan.”
“Do what?”
“This. You and me.”
His eyes searched hers. “Why not?”
She tilted her head to the side a little. “You know why. Because I’m your counselor.”
“Is that all?”
“What do you mean is that all? That is everything.”
He shrugged, still holding his arms around her torso. “Then I’m not going to counseling with you anymore.”
Her face looked worried. “No…you can’t do that, Ethan. Not when you’re finally starting to make some progress.”
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