Ash

by Julieanne Lynch

  “I’ll get Danny to drop by your house.” He stood and walked around the table.

  I got up from the chair.

  He extended his arm, and I took his hand, shaking firmly.

  “Thanks,” I responded.

  Joe followed me out of the office and down the stairs.

  Marco nodded in my direction and smiled.

  Tracey was busy loading her truck, but managed to wave when she saw me.

  “Coming back to play with the big guys?” Chuck asked, winking at me.

  “I’m coming back to keep you on your toes.”

  Chuck laughed. “At least that’s what you think.”

  “Get back to work,” Joe ordered, patting Chuck on the back.

  Joe accompanied me to my truck. He rested his hand against the roof as I got in and turned the ignition.

  “Man, I’ve missed this place,” I said.

  “Believe me, your absence has been tough, but you’re back on board.”

  I stared up at him and shook my head. “Absolutely.”

  “Now get on home to your boy,” he said.

  I didn’t wait a moment longer, and drove home with mixed feelings. On one hand, I had been reinstated, something that meant the world to me. On the other, Sophia left a huge hole in my life, but there was no use in pining after a woman who could never be mine.

  We came from two different worlds. Her loyalty to her family had to come first, just like mine did. Of course, that didn’t stop me from thinking about her or our short time together. Maybe it all came down to lust and the desire to be wanted. Who knows? Perhaps there could have been something more, but as they say, that ship had sailed.

  I unlocked the front door and was met by Danny running up the hall with a Nerf Gun in his hands.

  Jake’s loud voice boomed from the living room.

  I stepped back against the wall and got ready for the onslaught of shots.

  “Take that you, baddie,” Jake shouted.

  Danny threw himself onto the floor, rolling over twice before shooting a series of shots at Jake.

  I chuckled, watching them, relieved to see Danny smiling for a change.

  “The kid is going to destroy me one of these days,” he breathlessly muttered as Jake emptied his gun.

  “Yup, because he’s the boss,” I replied, and laughed.

  “You’re such a coward,” Jake teased. “Even Daddy is braver.” He blew a raspberry and ran into his room.

  “I take it, it’s been a fun afternoon?”

  Danny got up, ran a hand through his hair, and smiled. “He keeps me on my toes.”

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Surprisingly okay, but it helps having someone else to occupy my mind and time.”

  He followed me through to the kitchen, and I popped us both a bottle of beer.

  “Joe has reinstated me.”

  Danny’s face beamed. “That’s brilliant.”

  “Yeah, I need to get back out there, and do what I love best.”

  Danny took a sip of his beer and sat down on one of the stools. He peeled the label off the neck and grew silent. He was lost in thought, hardly hearing me at all, so I took a seat next to him, understanding his silence.

  If there was one thing I had learned about grief, it was the rollercoaster of changeable emotions. One minute, you’d be lost in complete despair. The next, laughing at something funny on the television. Then, the guilt came. It was a constant merry-go-round of feelings that could never be explained.

  “Do you think she would ever have given me another chance?” he asked.

  “Oh, man, that’s a question I can’t answer.” It was awkward being put on the spot.

  “Why not?”

  “Because no one ever knew what was going on inside her head. Not even Connie knew the real Marcy. I don’t think any of us did.”

  After another sip of beer, Danny focused on me. “I fucking hate her.”

  “Danny, you’ve been through a lot these past few years. Feeling like this is normal. There was a lot of bad blood between you and Marcy. She died leaving a lot of water under the bridge, and you never got to express yourself to her, not properly.”

  He slouched forward, shaking his head and closing his eyes.

  “Come on, man, don’t get all melancholy on me.” I tried my best to bring him out of his anger.

  “Melancholy?” He laughed. “Your vocabulary seems to have grown over the years.”

  “Don’t try and be a wiseass.”

  “Well, it wouldn’t be a first time, hmm?” He looked at me. “Anyway, enough about my woes, how do you feel about Sophia leaving?”

  I should have known that he would turn it around on me. In a way, I was glad that I could pull him out of his internal struggle. Yet, focusing on my own sadness wasn’t exactly the route to go.

  “She’s gone,” I said.

  “But how do you feel about it?”

  “I don’t know. It’s not as if we were ever an exclusive couple. It was just a hook up. Nothing more, nothing less.”

  He furrowed his brow and sat upright, glaring at me. “Benton, why the fuck do you lie? Because I know you better than you know yourself.”

  “Meaning?”

  He laughed and rolled his eyes. “Sophia was the best thing to happen to you in a long while. Don’t try to make it out to be something casual and ugly. We both know you don’t do the whole casual scene.”

  When it came to Danny, there really wasn’t a filter. He said what he was thinking, and in some ways, it was a brilliant asset. However, there were times I wish he’d shut the fuck up.

  “What can I do? She’s gone and has a life of her own in New Orleans. There’s not much I can do about it.”

  Danny got off the stool and walked around to the other side of the counter. “You really don’t get it, do you?”

  “What?”

  “If you want something bad enough, then you go get it. Don’t be a recluse who’s afraid of a little challenge. You, of all people, should know that if a second chance at love comes along, you grab it with both hands.”

  Danny left me speechless. The hard ball at the back of my throat made me feel as though I were about to choke. Why did he have to be the voice of reason?

  “Ash, what have you got to lose?”

  “Danny, what are you getting at? Are you telling me to go after her?”

  He rested his elbows on the counter and smiled. “Why not? Why not get out of here for a while? You’re owed vacation time. Why not challenge yourself?”

  “That’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever suggested.”

  “But it’s the truth. Look, you’ve a woman who obviously likes you, all those flaws and all, and you really like her. Why allow a little distance to stop you from making a go of things? She’d be great for Jake. And I can tell you now, she won’t take no bullshit.”

  “So it’s as easy as that?” I said, feeling irritated.

  “The call’s yours, bro. Whether you’ve the balls to do something, that’s on you,” he replied. “Anyway, I’m out of here. I’ve a few things to tie up at work before the weekend is mine.”

  “No problem,” I said. “Thanks for watching Jake.”

  “You know I’d die for that kid.”

  I smiled. “I know, Danny.”

  “But for now, I’ll love ya and leave.” He walked toward the living room. “See you later, you cheater,” he said to Jake, who was busy jumping on the sofa.

  “In your face, loser,” Jake shouted, and stuck his tongue out at Danny.

  “Oi, behave, both of you.”

  Danny grinned and left, closing the door behind him.

  I wondered about the possibility of actually doing something. Danny had planted the seed. Now it was up to me to take action.

  The more I thought about Sophia, the more tempted I became. Could I land down in New Orleans unannounced? It was a crazy idea. It wasn’t something
I’d normally do, but dammit, I needed to see her. Worst-case scenario was her spurning my advances. I could handle rejection.

  “You’re lost in thought, honey,” my mother remarked.

  I looked up from under the kitchen sink and set the spanner down. “Just being good old me.”

  “Are you missing that girl?”

  “Mom, come on, let’s not do this now. You wanted me to fix the sink. I’m here.” I tried to push the conversation in a different direction.

  “Only because your father doesn’t have the patience for these things, and stop changing the subject.”

  Why did mothers always have to have the last word?

  I slid out from under the sink and tested the faucet. “There, all done.”

  “So, will you be in contact with her?”

  I turned around, shuffling uncomfortably beneath her intense scrutiny. “Mom, I don’t know. She’s so far away. It would be impossible to make it work.”

  “And?”

  “And it’s crazy to even contemplate it.”

  Jake and my father’s loud voices echoed down the hall.

  “Honey, she gave you a glow that I’ve not seen in a long time. And I think it would be foolish of you to pass it off as some short-lived fling.”

  “I never said I was, Mom.”

  “Don’t take that tone with me, Ashley John Benton.”

  I chuckled. Here I was, standing at over six feet, and my small, gentle mother had brought me down a peg or two. I held my hands up, conceding defeat.

  “Okay, I’m sorry.”

  “Good, now sit your ass down. I think you need a good talking to.” She pointed her finger at me, and I knew it was time to listen.

  I took a seat at the breakfast table and sighed.

  “Why do you always have to deny yourself happiness? Do you do this on purpose as some kind of punishment?”

  “Mom, it’s difficult,” I replied, staring at my hands.

  “Life is never easy, honey, but why carry the weight of the world on your shoulders when you have the chance of making something good for yourself?”

  I shook my head. “Because it’s hard letting go of the past.”

  “You don’t have to let go of the past. You just move on from it. Give yourself the freedom to be happy again. You’re only twenty-nine years old, and have a long future ahead of you. Don’t deny yourself the companionship of a woman worthy of your love.”

  I raised my head and stared at my mother. She was the kind of parent to say it like it was. There was no sugarcoating the truth. I was glad that she wasn’t afraid about speaking her mind.

  “So what do you suggest?”

  She laughed. “Oh, honey, you call her.”

  “We’ve talked since she’s left. She called when she got there,” I said.

  “But what about now? Surely, you can see that she is invested in you, right?”

  “Her mother is dying. She doesn’t have time for romance. It’s not as straight forward as you think, Mom.”

  “Oh, dear, I didn’t realize.” She put a hand to her mouth. “Then, what more reason do you need? Sophia will appreciate your support.”

  My mother, though she was trying to help, didn’t understand Sophia’s complex nature. Sophia wouldn’t appreciate the invasion of privacy. Dammit, I couldn’t get her out of my head.

  “I’ll think about it.” I tried my best to convince her to end the lecture, then and there, and was thankful for Jake’s abrupt entrance.

  “I need the potty,” he announced.

  I jumped up from the chair and took his hand.

  “It’s a number two.”

  “Thanks for sharing that.”

  When it came to my boy, there was never a dull moment. Children had such a special way of grabbing a grown-up by the hair and shaking sense into them. He was my reality check, and for that, I was grateful.

  We left my parent’s house shortly after.

  “Daddy!” he said as I drove.

  “Yup.”

  “Do you think that when I grow up, I’ll be big and strong like you?”

  I eyed him in the rear-view mirror and smiled. “You bet.”

  “But, Daddy, what if I get sick like Mommy?”

  There was a killer question. He always caught me off guard when I least expected it.

  “You won’t,” I replied, trying to keep control of the conversation. I hated how he had a sense of his own mortality at such a young age. He’d spent the early years of his life witnessing sickness and death, and it wasn’t fair.

  “Do you promise?” His innocent question brought my own empty promise that I made to Connie to mind.

  “Jake, I won’t make promises, but I can tell you this, I will look after you for the rest of my life. I won’t let anything happen to you, okay?”

  He scrunched his nose and thought about my answer. “Okay, Daddy, but . . .”

  “But what?”

  “But what if you get sick?”

  My boy really was testing me. I often wondered what went through his little mind. How had he processed all the sadness that surrounded him? For a brief moment, I felt guilty. Had I not protected him enough?

  “I won’t get sick, and if I do, I’ve got you,” I replied, pulling up outside our apartment.

  Jake smiled and unclicked his belt. He jumped from his seat, wrapping his arms behind my neck.

  “Yup, I can make you soup and chop your bananas.”

  “Then, that’s sorted,” I said, and got out of the truck.

  The moment hit me hard. I didn’t want to do this alone. Jake deserved so much more, and it was in my power to give it to him.

  “Hello,” Sophia said.

  “Hey, you,” I replied.

  “Ash, it’s so good to hear from you.”

  I lay back on my pillow, listening to her velvety voice.

  “I can’t believe I am going to say this, but I really miss you. Isn’t that insane?”

  “Not at all,” I said. “Because I can’t get you out of my head.”

  There was a short pause before she replied, “Ash!”

  “Yes?”

  “I don’t think I can handle this alone.” Her voice broke.

  “What’s been happening?”

  “It’s just so hard. I hate seeing my mother so close to death,” she whispered.

  “Is there anything I can do?” I asked, feeling completely helpless.

  She paused once more. “I don’t know. I just . . . wish you were closer.”

  Sophia had never shown me her vulnerable side before. It was both eye opening, yet disconcerting. I hated the thought of her hurting so much. I wanted to protect her, to be there for her and be the man she needed, but I was afraid of taking that step.

  “I’ve some vacation time owed to me.” The words slid past my lips before I realized what I was saying. “Maybe Jake and I could take a road trip.”

  She hesitated. “What are you saying, Ash?”

  “I’m saying that I am going to come see you.”

  Another silence followed. My stomach spun the entire time. Was I really willing to drive over thirteen hours to see her?

  “Are you sure?”

  I smiled. “Yes. It’s in my head now. I have to see you.”

  “Ash, no one has ever given a shit about me before.” Hearing the sadness in her voice broke my heart. “But just so you know, things are really fucked up here.”

  “Listen, I come from a world of fuck-ups. I can handle it.”

  “So you’re really going to come down?”

  “Yes.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say nothing. You don’t have to. Just hang in there,” I said.

  She chuckled. “I shall try.”

  After ending the call, I thought long and hard about my decision. Every cell in my body told me that I deserved to do this. I was owed a slice of happiness, but the devil on my shoulder
filled me with doubt. I despised this part of me. The weak and broken man, lost in his woes, unable to move forward and frozen in the past.

  “Daddy.” Jake came into the room, rubbing his eyes.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I had a bad dream.” He started crying.

  I got out of the bed and pulled him into my arms. “Hey, it was only a dream. I’m here.”

  He wrapped his arms around my neck and sobbed on my shoulder.

  “Wanna sleep with me?”

  Jake nodded and wiped his eyes.

  I set him down on the bed and got in beside him, rubbing his face.

  “Daddy,” he mumbled.

  “Yeah?”

  “I dreamed there was a monster behind my door.” He cuddled up to me.

  “Jake, it was only a dream. Nothing can touch you, okay?” I wrapped my arm around him. “Now, let’s get some sleep. I’ve a surprise for you in the morning.”

  He peered up at me. “What kind of surprise?”

  “It’s a secret, now go to sleep.”

  I kissed his forehead and closed my eyes. My plans to visit Sophia may have been spur of the moment, but I was excited. I needed this more than her, and regardless of my apprehension, I had a feeling that both Jake and I would enjoy our little road trip.

  Sometimes, through all the haze and confusion of the past, it was easy to forget not to live for the moment. I had the power to change the course of my life. As much as I tried to remain under the self-made cloud of doom, I had a chance of being a part of something good, and I had to grab it with both hands. My only hang up—the demons that refused to keep quiet.

  “I told you this is what you need,” Danny remarked, carrying Jake to the truck.

  “Yeah, I knew there was going to be an ‘I told you so’ speech from you.” I threw my bags into the truck and handed the keys of the apartment over to him.

  “Well, what do you expect?” He smirked.

  “From you? God only knows.” I laughed. “Just make sure you collect the mail and leave it on the table.”

  “Dude, I got you covered,” he replied, winking at Jake. “I’m just gonna miss this little rascal.” He tickled Jake and secured him into his booster seat.

  Jake giggled hard, shaking his head.