Ash

by Julieanne Lynch

  “I’m sure you’ll survive a week without him.”

  He closed the rear passenger door.

  “How are you holding up?”

  “I’m good,” he replied. “I’m working a few extra shifts this week, which will keep my mind occupied.”

  “Good, just don’t go working yourself into the ground.” I pointed at him.

  He threw his head back and laughed. “There’s not much chance of that.”

  Even though he was putting on a good show, I could see through Danny. I knew him better than most people did. It was going to take him a while to come to terms with Marcy’s death. He just had to make sure he kept himself in check, not allowing the ugliness of grief to consume him.

  “But seriously, Danny, I worry, and nothing will ever change that,” I said, and gripped his shoulder. “With me being gone, you need to make sure you talk to Joe or my mom.”

  “Ash, I don’t need babysitting. I’m good. I swear to God,” he said, and held his hand up. “But if it makes you feel better, your mom will be my first port of call if I find myself sinking into the abyss.”

  “Don’t be a smartass.”

  “Just go, man. Go and see your woman.” He grinned.

  “She’s not my woman.” I rolled my eyes at him.

  “She will be,” he replied, and laughed.

  “Behave!”

  I got into the truck and started the ignition. I rolled down the window and took his hand in mine, doing our thing.

  “Safe journey,” he said, and patted the roof.

  I drove off as Jake waved out the window.

  It was hitting me fast that I was actually doing this. A mixture of thrilling happiness and anticipation.

  Jake was excited about taking a road trip with me, and contentedly clapped his hands as we hit the I-57 and headed south.

  “Will Sophia help me build another fort?” Jake asked.

  I smiled. “I’m not sure. You will have to wait and see.”

  “I like Sophia.”

  “Me too.”

  “Even though she talks funny.” He giggled.

  I had to laugh, because kids just said things as they saw them. There was no nastiness in his comment.

  “Nah, her accent is nice.”

  “Do you think she will sing me that song again?”

  “If you ask her nicely, I’m sure she will.”

  Jake grinned and stared out the window. “I really hope she will.”

  After four hours, I was hungry, and Jake needed a little fresh air. We made a pit stop outside Missouri.

  Jake devoured a hot dog and fries, while I checked the map and booked us a hotel for the night in Memphis.

  “You all done, kiddo?”

  He nodded and smiled, slurping at his milkshake.

  “Do you need the little man’s room?”

  “Yup,” he replied, and took my hand.

  “Then, let’s freshen up and hit the road.”

  Once we were back in the car, it was another four-hour drive, but with some tunes and the wind blowing, Jake and I were happy campers.

  It was just after seven p.m. when we checked into the hotel. After a quick bite to eat, Jake was ready for sleep. I tucked him in, making sure his cuddly was snuggled in beside him.

  “Sleep tight, buddy. We’re on the home straight now,” I whispered, and kissed him goodnight.

  I switched off the main light and took my cell with me to the bathroom. Sliding down onto the floor, I called Sophia.

  “Hey, you,” she said.

  “Your voice is like music after today.” I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck.

  “I don’t understand why you didn’t fly.”

  “I thought a road trip would be fun.”

  “How’s Jake?”

  I pushed the bathroom door closed. “He’s really excited about seeing you. So much so, he wants you and him to build another fort.”

  Sophia laughed. “I’m sure I can make that happen.”

  “How’s your mom?”

  “Hanging on.” She sighed.

  “How are you?”

  She paused. “I’m just tired, but it’s been a rough week. I don’t have to start work for another few weeks. I’ve taken some personal leave, so I don’t have the stress of trying to explain my absence to my father and brothers.”

  “That’s something, at least.”

  “But you guys coming here, that’s actually a silver lining.”

  Her words made me realize that I had made the right decision.

  “I’m glad. I think we all need something to smile about, especially in light of everything.”

  “Ash.” She said my name in a pained voice.

  “What?”

  “What if I don’t want to say goodbye?”

  For a brief moment, I was relieved to hear her say those words. It made me feel that my journey wasn’t made in vain.

  “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

  “You’re right,” she said, her voice soft. “And now you should get some sleep.”

  “What if I don’t want to?”

  “Then, you, Mr. Benton, will be putting both you and Jake at risk, and we both know that little boy is your heart.”

  Damn, she always had a way of reeling me in, even when I didn’t think I needed it. She pointed out the obvious. Maybe it was the instant rush from hearing her voice, but I wasn’t tired enough for sleep. Not now. Not when I was so close to her.

  “What if I dream of you all night long?”

  “Then, make it fun,” she laughed. “Good night, Ash.”

  “Good night.” I sighed, and the line went dead.

  I sat on the bathroom floor for a good while, digesting everything that had happened over the past year, and it came crashing around me. I closed my eyes. My mind raced as images of Marcy flooded my memories.

  Had I been the one responsible for her death? How could I not have been? I had been the one who put Andrés on her trail. I had never thought myself capable of being that kind of man. Yet, as I sat there, the harsh reality of my choices couldn’t be denied. I had made my bed, and I had to sleep in it.

  Letting out a deep sigh, I got up and walked back to the bed.

  Jake was fast asleep, his bottom lip moved as he dreamed. He slept exactly as Connie used to—his hand under his ear, the other arm wrapped around the covers and snoring gently. He looked so peaceful, so innocent.

  For a moment, I chastised myself for not being a better man. My son deserved a better parent, one free of sin. My past was laced with so many demons, I was scared, for the first time, of the kind of man he’d become.

  Stop doing this, I thought, sliding into bed beside him.

  I was my own worst enemy. No amount of self-deprecation could change the cold reality of my world. Marcy was dead. I was responsible, a secret I’d take with me to the grave. I drifted off to sleep with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

  Jake woke me shortly after six a.m. “Daddy, I’m hungry,” he whispered in my ear.

  I opened my eyes and smiled. “It’s a little early,” I replied, and pulled him into my arms.

  “Daddy, you have to get up.” He giggled.

  “In five minutes.”

  “Now, Daddy, get up now!” Jake tickled me.

  I sighed, admitted defeat, and got out of bed. “Happy now?”

  “Yup!” He nodded and jumped on the bed.

  Jake was so full of life. It made me feel better, considering I had very little sleep. His infectious laugh was enough to pull me from my silent battle. For that, I was thankful.

  After breakfast, we hit the road. It was going to be a five-hour drive, but we stocked up on snacks, drinks, and in-car entertainment for Jake.

  “You good?” I asked.

  Chewing on an apple, Jake smiled and turned his attention back to his DS.

  I, on the other hand, drove along, thinking about Sophia
.

  We stopped in Jackson briefly for a rest.

  “Daddy,” Jake said as we left the restroom.

  “Yeah?”

  “I think Mommy would like Sophia.” He gazed up at me.

  “What makes you say that?” I asked, surprised.

  He shrugged. “I dunno. She’s just pretty and kind.”

  I loved how children were honest and blunt. It made me feel like I was actually doing a good job. I grinned and gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

  “I think you’re right.”

  “I know. Maw-Maw says I’m a know-it-all.” He chuckled.

  “Yeah, I think Maw-Maw has a point.” I winked at him as I settled him in his booster seat and pinched his nose. “You ready for the last bit of the journey?”

  “Sure,” he replied, and smiled.

  We made it to the hotel in less than three hours. I was relieved that the journey was done. For a while, I dreaded the same drive back and regretted not flying down, but Jake loved the trip.

  “I love long car rides with you, Daddy,” he said as we checked in and made our way to the room.

  “I’m glad you enjoyed it,” I replied.

  He slipped his soft hand into mine and stared up at me with those gorgeous blue eyes of his. “You’re the best daddy ever.”

  “And never forget that,” I said, gripping his hand tight.

  I may have been weary from the journey, but one thing was for certain. With Jake by my side, he’d keep me grounded. I was thankful for small blessings.

  Sophia stood in the lobby, glancing at her watch before she saw us.

  Jake ran toward her, wrapping his arms around her legs.

  “Hey, little guy,” she said, bending down and hugging him tight.

  I couldn’t control the smile that spread across my face. She looked breathtaking in a floral print summer dress. Her long dark locks were loose around her shoulders.

  “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” I remarked, and pulled her into my arms.

  “I could say the same thing, but your big head might expand a little too much for my liking,” she replied before she kissed me softly. “But I am so glad to see you.”

  “Daddy,” Jake called.

  “Yup?”

  “Let’s go.” He tugged at my hand.

  “Where to?” I laughed.

  His face grew serious. “Sophia is surprising us.”

  “Am I?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “Yup.” Jake nodded and slipped his hand into hers.

  “Then, I guess I am,” she said, and winked at me.

  We left the hotel and took a stroll along Jackson Square, taking in the spectacular scenes of artists with their canvases on display.

  Jake loved every minute of it, and made us stop to listen to a street musician before declaring, “I’m hungry.”

  “I know the perfect treat,” Sophia announced. “Follow me.”

  We soon sat in Cafe Du Monde, devouring delicious beignets. Jake’s fingertips were covered in sugar, but I didn’t care. He was enjoying himself, and I loved watching him being so carefree and happy, the way any child should be.

  “How’s your mother?”

  Sophia set down her coffee cup and shook her head. “Not so good.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” she replied. “I know the end isn’t far away.”

  “Remember, I know what goes on here,” I said. “I’ve been through every stage of denial and heartache. Don’t try and brush your feelings under the rug, not when it’s me you’re talking to.”

  She looked directly at me. “My brothers have been less than courteous, but I suppose I’ve given them much to be ashamed about.”

  “Don’t dismiss yourself like this, Sophia.” I reached across the table and took her hand in mine. “You have every right to be here for your mother. You’ve given your life up in Chicago for family. That says more to me about you than anything else.”

  She sighed. “Maybe I’ve been so used to living with my guilt that it’s been hard trying to kill old habits.”

  “Believe me, old habits die hard. Sometimes, they never go away.”

  “That is true.” She smiled. “Maybe it’s time to create new ones.”

  “I think that’s probably the best thing I’ve heard you say.”

  It was so easy being with Sophia. She made everything feel like it was finally falling into place. Jake was already in love with her, and though all the feelings inside me were still jumbled and confusing, I couldn’t help but find myself falling under her spell.

  “Would you guys like to come meet my family?” she asked.

  I hadn’t expected this. Yet, it seemed like a natural step in the right direction.

  “What do you think, buddy?” I looked at Jake.

  He shrugged. “Okay, sure.”

  Sophia threw her head back and laughed.

  “I guess we’re meeting your tribe,” I said, and settled the bill.

  It took us about ten minutes to walk to Sophia’s family home on Esplanade Avenue.

  Jake gasped when he saw the townhouse and held onto Sophia’s hand as she led us to the front door.

  “Now, just a little warning, my mother is in a bed in the living room. I don’t want Jake to be startled,” she whispered.

  I looked down at Jake, who was completely oblivious, and said, “Don’t worry about him. He’s a pretty cool kid. He’s seen a lot in his short life.”

  Sophia rubbed my arm and smiled. “Then, let the games commence.”

  We entered the house. The smell of spices hit the back of my nose. We walked down a long hallway, its walls filled with family portraits. Fresh flowers sat in a pretty vase on a small table.

  “Mama, I’ve brought some friends to see you.” She looked back at me and led us into the living room.

  It was a familiar sight. Sophia’s frail mother lay on the hospital bed, her breathing ragged.

  Sophia tenderly sat down by her mother’s side and took her hand in hers.

  “Mama, êtes-vous à l'aise?” she asked, rubbing her hand along her mother’s arm.

  The woman nodded. Her eyes trailed over to where both Jake and I stood.

  “This is my friend, Ash, from Chicago. He was kind of my boss, and this is his son, Jake.” Sophia paused. “This is my mother, Renée.”

  “Hello, ma’am,” I said.

  “Hi.” Jake waved, pressing his head against my leg.

  “Don’t be shy, Jake. Come here.” Sophia held her hand out to him.

  I was surprised when he let go of me and walked over to her.

  Sophia lifted him onto her lap and kissed the top of his head.

  Renée stared at Jake, and tried to smile. “Il est un beau garçon,” she hoarsely whispered.

  Sophia chuckled. “Mama says he’s a handsome boy.”

  “Thank you,” I replied.

  “Voudraient-ils quelque chose à manger?” Renée said, pointing a finger at us.

  “No, we ate before we came, but I’ll get us all some refreshments soon.” Sophia lifted her mother’s hand to her lips and kissed the back of it.

  I heard footsteps coming from the rear of the house.

  Two men stepped into the living room.

  The taller of the two looked me up and down.

  I remembered encountering that same condescending glare from Sophia when I’d first met her.

  Sophia stood, holding Jake in her arms, smiling at them before introducing us. “Ash, these are my brothers, Esteban and Pierre.”

  Extending my arm, I shook their hands. “Nice to meet you.”

  “So you’re the fireman, huh?” Esteban asked.

  “Yup, that’s me.”

  “And you drove all the way down here for her?” Pierre remarked.

  “Yes.”

  “And this is your boy?” Esteban pointed at Jake.

  I could feel the animosity that s
urrounded us. I now understood Sophia’s reluctance to talk about her home life, but I wouldn’t allow her brothers to have the upper hand with me. I’d dealt with bigger, tougher guys in my life and wasn’t intimidated at all.

  “Yes, this is my son, Jake,” I replied.

  “His mother?” Esteban asked.

  “Esteban, that’s enough!” Sophia remarked.

  I looked at her and smiled. “She passed away last year.”

  His face changed. The furrow in his brow relaxed, and he stared at Pierre.

  “I’m sorry for your loss,” he said.

  Sophia cleared her throat and clapped her hands together. “So, who fancies some iced tea?”

  Jake raised a hand and smiled up at her. “Me!”

  “I thought as much.” She grinned at Jake. “Pierre, will you sit with Mama for a while?”

  He grumbled something in French and took a seat by the bed.

  Esteban left the room.

  I followed Sophia out toward the back of the house. The kitchen was huge with an island full of fresh vegetables and fruits.

  “Jake, why don’t you take a seat in the yard?” Sophia said, and handed him an apple.

  “Okay,” he replied, and bit into the fruit.

  “So,” I said, resting my back against the counter. “Hostile much?”

  She laughed and shook her head. “Yes, it’s all rather awkward. They give me such a hard time, but I accept their punishment.”

  “You shouldn’t have to.”

  She poured the iced tea into three glasses and set them on a tray. “Maybe, but I’m at peace with their anger. Papa is slowly warming toward me.”

  “Where is your father?” I asked, and lifted the tray.

  “Most likely in the chapel, praying for a cure, even though he’s been told many times that her time is limited. He won’t hear of it. He said my return was a sign that there was hope. It’s heartbreaking.”

  For a moment, I sympathized with her father. I remembered going through the same denial when Connie was close to the end.

  “It’s not going to be easy, but I promise you that strength comes from within, and it helps.” I followed her out to the yard.

  She took a seat next to Jake as I set the tray down.

  I handed Jake the small glass.

  He licked his lips when he tasted the first mouthful.

  “This is so yummy.” He gulped the rest down. “Can I go play?”