Susannah got up from her chair to give me a hug. Which was quite nice. “I am happy for you. I think. This is all so sudden.”
A delightful role reversal. How many times had she caught me off-guard with her antics? “It is. But it feels right so I have to do it.” I gave her a wicked smile. “You’re the one who told me to start dating again.”
“I’d hoped you’d keep things domestic.”
“He’s got a great opportunity starting up some law firm slash social services outreach program with your firm.”
“Oh.” Her eyes lit up. “A bunch of the managing partners from various locations were in town a week or so ago for a big dinner meeting about that. I didn’t know he was the one leading the charge.”
“They missed him, apparently,” I explained.
She laughed. “He’s a legend around there, even though he left them high and dry in a lot of ways. I suspect they’ve been plotting for years to try to get him to come back.”
How interesting. I’d have to mention that to Alex the next time we talked. “He wasn’t going to do anything for them that wasn’t on his own terms.”
“Some people are stubborn like that,” Susannah said.
“Like me?” I asked.
“Bingo.”
What a pleasant mother-daughter coffee klatch we were having. “Anyway, I figured you and I could have a nice therapeutic chat or something before you sent me on my way with a kiss for luck or whatever it is you’re supposed to do.”
She eyed me over her mug. “You mean you’re going to try to cram years of parenting into a single conversation so I can hold it in keep for later?”
“Seems like the logical next step in our continually evolving relationship. Although Alex made me promise to Skype you and the kids once a week.”
“That seems fair. Anything more and we might get sick of each other.”
She was kidding, but there was a grain of truth in her statement. “He’s figured us out already.”
“Which is a very frightening thing. You two definitely deserve each other, though. I’m sorry it didn’t work out with George.”
“I’m not.” I told myself not to make a face, then did it anyway. “He’s not a particularly nice man, Susie. But he has an incredibly loving son.”
“You’re welcome for making you go to that party.”
I blushed. I’d never really acknowledged her part in this whole thing. “Thank you.”
“Alex must have caused you to lighten up considerably if you’re moving to a foreign country without a ring on your finger.”
I glanced down at the wedding rings I still wore. Alexander had been right. I wasn’t quite ready to take them off. “He understands this is a complex situation. If I wanted a proposal, I’d get one.”
“But you don’t.”
“But I don’t,” I agreed. “We’re committed to each other and that’s what matters.”
We both stared down at our beverages for a moment, having run out of words.
“I told him about what happened to Tom and Jess,” I finally said.
“Oh.” Susannah didn’t bother looking up.
“I’ll tell you anything you want to know about that night when you’re ready to hear it, but I’d prefer not to do it today.”
She ran a finger around the rim of her mug. “Did it help to talk about it with him?”
“It did. I should have done it a long time ago. Failing to acknowledge my grief almost cost me my relationship with him. I’ll be seeing a therapist in Barcelona.”
Susannah reached over to squeeze my hand. “It’s about time.”
I’d said the super hard thing. Could I keep going with the less difficult but still painful things? “I shouldn’t have gone two years without letting you know I was okay. But after it all happened, I felt so unsafe. I was under the protection of the Canadian government. I had to find a way to raise Caroline’s kids without your father. And—”
“Mom, you don’t have to do this right now.”
Except I did. “I didn’t know what I’d say to you or how I’d explain myself. The more time passed, the more I realized it would be wrong to ruin your sense of safety or freedom with my tale of woe.”
Susannah shook her head. “We’ll deal with that incredibly inaccurate assessment of my situation later, but go on.”
We were talking. We weren’t yelling or sniping or getting in jabs. I kept going. “I couldn’t scrape up the guts to talk to you. Not until Caroline finally convinced me that not only was it right and necessary, but she assured me that I could communicate with you on a secure line. I didn’t want you in danger.” I shivered, thinking back. “Your father and your sister were so brave. We were all together in the car and then we were… apart. I still can’t wrap my head around the way they kicked into some gear I didn’t even know they had. They didn’t think, they didn’t question, they just acted. I don’t know how they did it. I really don’t.”
“It’s who they were,” Susannah said softly.
“I don’t know if I could have done the same.”
“You weren’t supposed to.” Susannah squeezed my hand. “They did what they needed to do, as did you. I won’t pretend it didn’t hurt that you let me think you were gone for so long. We’re both going to have to ruminate over the reasoning behind that particular decision. But you have nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to what you did that night.”
Part forgiveness, part admonishment. I could live with that. “Jessie always thought you were the favorite, you know. She was so worried when she came out, because I had such a difficult time at first. Like I wouldn’t love her as much because she was gay.”
“She never told me that.”
I wouldn’t have known it myself if Caroline hadn’t admitted it to me years later. There were pros and cons to having a child who bared her heart to your best friend, but Caroline’s ability to share her memories of Jess meant that I got to have new parts of my youngest daughter revealed to me whenever I needed them. I just wished Jess had talked to me more when she was alive.
“She was afraid, I think. She knew you had Jacob, that you’d give us the grandkids your father kept hinting at and she knew that her opportunities to do the same were a little more unorthodox.”
Susannah bit her lip. “I wish she would have talked to me about it. Honestly—” She cleared her throat. “I wasn’t in a rush to reproduce but when I thought all of you were gone, I just wanted a family again.”
“And you ended up with identical twins.”
“Yeah,” she said. “Would have appreciated a heads up about that.”
“Oh no,” I said. “I can’t think of any twins in my family or on your father’s side. You have to blame Jacob for that hereditary quirk.”
“Well.” She smiled at me. “I believe I will then.”
“Jess would have spoiled those kiddos rotten.” I smiled. “Even with me in the background telling her to dial it back a bit.”
“Probably. Speaking of that, I expect a lot of Spanish books and other ephemera to share with the boys. We may as well get something out of this deal.”
“You’re welcome to come with us. I’m sure Alex will appreciate the help.”
Susannah sighed. “I can’t. I actually enjoy being a partner here, though I miss Paris sometimes. The kids adore their daycare and are close to starting school in a couple years. Jacob’s settled into a job he actually likes. And I think you need to do this on your own, mom.”
There was still a hint of insecurity there, which called for maternal reassurance. “I loved—I love you both equally, Susie. Nothing will change that—not time or distance or anything.”
“I know, mom.” Susannah teared up a little. “Jessie was a really great person, wasn’t she?”
That was what I tried to remember instead of those final moments in the woods. “She was. And there are times I wish she could have done more with her life, because I want her here so badly. But she managed to do a lot with the time she had.”
“So,” Susannah said. “Spain. Anything else you want to get off your chest before you fly away?”
Did she really want to open that can of worms? Fine. Limited confession time. I’d told Caroline and Alex. There was probably no harm in telling my daughter. “I was pregnant with you before your father and I got married.”
She chuckled. “I figured that out a while ago. Your efforts to convince me that I was the world’s largest premature baby weren’t all that plausible.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“What was I supposed to say? It can’t be undone. You and Daddy loved each other and that’s all that matters, right? Kind of like when I ran off with Jacob or the way you’re skipping town with Alexander?”
No child of mine would ever deal with such a major revelation so calmly. Or directly. I just hoped she hadn’t found out about the rest of the circumstances behind our shotgun marriage. “You’ve already covered this with your psychologist, haven’t you?”
“In exhaustive detail.” She polished off the remainder of her coffee. “Can we talk about normal stuff for a while?”
I’d miss my daughter more than I anticipated. But she’d be fine. We both would. “Sure.”
Chapter 17
“I am never getting in a car with you again,” Alexander told Caroline.
“I know, right?” She made an inappropriate gesture at another driver. “Other people don’t know how to drive.”
“That wasn’t what I meant,” he said.
“Get used to it,” I said. “Most vehicles in Europe are missing side mirrors and have a few dents here and there. I don’t think they take Kelley Blue Book values as seriously as we do.”
“Well,” he said, unclicking his seat belt. “Caroline must have some really great insurance coverage because I’m not sure she cares all that much either.”
I stepped out into the sunny, not-so-fresh air of the Philadelphia International Airport. “Wait until I tell you the story of the time she dropped the transmission in a 1970 Pontiac Firebird in the middle of rush hour on the Schuylkill.”
Alexander shut the car door behind me. “I think you should hold that anecdote until after we board our flight.”
Caroline popped the trunk. “That car couldn’t handle my need for speed. Plus, it wasn’t rush hour. I’d remember that much traffic.”
“Jack didn’t let her near any of his classic cars for a month after that.”
Caroline wagged her finger at me as Alexander retrieved our luggage. “Hey, I did that wretched commute between Rockville and Capitol Hill every single day that Congress was in session for… how long was I in office?”
“Six years,” I said.
“I drove that route for six years,” Caroline told Alexander. “And never once was I late.”
“She was never late,” I concurred, as Alexander gave me a playful nudge. “Not once.”
“So I heard,” he said.
“I never hit anything, either,” Caroline said.
“Because all the other drivers were afraid of you,” I said. “I rode with you a few times. I remember. Vividly.”
“Speaking of that, how fast does your Mercedes go? Am I allowed to take it over grandma speed? Have you buried the needle yet?”
Susannah and I had agreed to take the house in Bryn Mawr off the market for the time being. I’d entrusted my condo to her and my sport sedan to Caroline. In hindsight, those roles probably should have been reversed. At the very least, I should have given the car keys to Jack for safe keeping. “Just don’t drag race on the Schuylkill during rush hour, all right?”
Caroline slammed the trunk lid down. “Take her off my hands, will you?” she asked Alexander. “Like, to some foreign country far far away.”
“I can arrange that.”
“I’m visiting you soon,” she told me. “Camp Nou. You and me. I’m gonna make you go footy crazy and then we can take a train trip across the continent visiting all my favorite teams and their stadiums.”
Including Marseille, I was sure. I grabbed Caroline’s arm. “Stop being facetious and cute and give me a hug before I change my mind and get back in the car.”
“And subject yourself to my presence? Get ahold of yourself.” But she pulled me into her arms anyway.
Normally I’d find a way to keep the tears from flowing, but it seemed pointless to try. This was my best friend. The depth of my love for her couldn’t be put into words. I was going to miss her, to a ridiculous degree.
She’d already started crying anyway. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t have to. I just held on.
“You earned this, Chrissy,” Caroline whispered. “You really did.” She let out a sob. “Also I’m going to need you to come home in a year or so when I form that exploratory committee. Endorsements matter.”
I pulled back. “Excuse me?”
She laughed through her tears and hugged me again. “Gotcha.”
I pounded her on the back with a fist, though I didn’t break the embrace. “You tricky little bitch. You scared the daylights out of me.”
“And Roger Bailey’s campaign team, most probably,” she said. “I promise never to run for president if you promise to be happy.”
“Deal,” I said, pulling away again to very genteelly blow my nose. “I regret not allowing you to teach me Spanish. I might need to whip out phrases comparable to you tricky little bitch every time I run into someone I don’t want to deal with.”
“Nah.” Caroline gave me a gentle smile. “You’ll behave like a decent human being because that’s who you are.”
Compliments from her had been stacking up like fallen timber for the past month. I probably should have written some of them down for posterity. I yanked her toward me for another hard hug. “What do we do now?”
“I assumed we’d break into song.”
I pulled away. “I don’t think it’s necessary to go that far.”
“I dunno. I’ve worked out something with some pretty high production values. You need to go viral one final time before leaving the confines of these United States.”
“I should probably just check in at the airline, right?”
She wiped her eyes, bending over and taking a deep breath before reaching in for another hard hug. “Yes, you should, before I change my mind about letting you leave.” Caroline gave Alexander a fierce hug, adding a kiss on the cheek for good measure. “Ain’t no more Secret Service up in here. Chrissy’s on her own now. Take care of her.”
“I will,” he promised.
She waved at us as we walked inside the terminal. “You crazy kids have fun,” she called. “Join the mile high club if you get the chance. Totally worth it.”
I blocked my face with my purse, pretending I didn’t see people turning their heads. “Airline check-in. Now.”
Alexander laughed. “Follow me.”
*****
“That’s our plane,” Alexander said. “Are you trying to memorize the details?”
I turned around. I’d been staring out the window in the boarding area for the past twenty minutes, waiting as the gate agent kept calling out updates. “Just thinking,” I said.
“Hopefully nothing bad.”
Lately the good had far outweighed the bad. “We’ve spoken all the pretty words. Can we live up to our own hype?”
He put his arm around me and we both looked out at the tarmac together. “We’ve done okay so far. Think of all the fights we can have about furniture and décor once we get to Spain.”
“Classic,” I said. “I want classic. With limitations, of course. Like a fourth-century wall in an eighteenth-century building now converted to twenty-first-century luxury apartments.”
He laughed. “That’s almost word for word what I told my realtor.”
Well then. Maybe we would be okay. I listened as the agent announced that boarding was about to begin.
“That’s us,” I said. I’d insisted we fly first class. I wanted some space to move around on a long
flight, even if I stayed confined to my seat.
“The advantage of being with a truly pampered woman. Always has to be the first on the plane. You know that means you have to sit the longest while everyone else boards.”
“Don’t care. I get to sit in judgment of all of them. As you know, that’s one of my favorite pastimes.”
Alexander kissed me. “I love you, you know. In case you forget during the march down the jet bridge.”
I took one last long look around the terminal, listening to the people around me, watching the very American way in which they conducted their business, thinking about those few parts of myself I was leaving behind and all the very many parts I was taking with me. “I won’t forget.”
He pressed my boarding pass into my hands. “Ready?”
I smiled and kissed him lightly before linking my arm through his and heading for the gate. “Let’s go.”
Acknowledgements
I haven’t done this in a while (over three years, to be exact) so…let’s go, eh?
First, thanks to the folks who enjoyed The Bellator Saga and Chrissy’s part in it. I hope that I gave you a bit more insight into her character. I’ll never write another Chrissy. I love her. She was exactly the bestie Caroline needed and I’m glad that she gets a little taste of happiness after I ran her through the ringer during the first six books in this series.
For those who are new to the Saga, welcome! I hope that now you might want to…read more about Caroline and Jack? They have a lot more sex, though. And it’s pretty graphic. And there’s a ton of angst and drama and super romance and YES a lot of eerie parallels to the current political situation in their story but hey, what’s life without a little super accurate twist?
I haven’t done this ‘thanking people’ thing in a while so I’m sure I’ll forget something or someone, but bear with me. Thanks to Wolfsparrow Covers for the great image and the fantastic formatting. Thanks to Liz Lincoln for the edits, and to Monica for the (as always) informal grammar and continuity checks. Thanks to Lindsey and Jean for being great alpha readers. Thanks to everyone on the Twitters for putting up with me. And thanks to Christine for never shutting up and insisting on her own story.
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