by Nako
Tia’s mother tried to get her to calm down, but she jerked away from her.
“Don’t touch me. You don’t know what I’m going through.”
Lately, her mother had been on the butt end of her pain. Tia had been a complete bitch to her since she’d arrived. Yet, she took it all.
Juice stepped in, “Don’t talk to your momma like that.”
He believed that her moms dealt with it due to their recent establishment of their relationship, but he didn’t give a damn. Juice was raised to respect your parents, no matter fucking what.
Tia had a lil’ mouth on her.
“Juice if you don’t get the—"
“AYE! You need to back up. I’m not about to let you keep running on me and talking to me crazy. I lost my son too!” he checked her.
She eyed him with anger in her eyes. They were mixed in with tears and pain.
She stormed out of the room and out the house.
Minutes later, they heard the garage open and close.
He was relieved.
Juice apologized to everyone that had to witness their altercation.
His spirit was down, and he was so damn weary.
“It’s a lot on us right now, thank you for stopping by. I need to…”
He could barely talk or function right now.
His father stood up, “We got it, son,” he decided to take over.
Juice was crumbling and his wife wasn’t there to help him stand.
She couldn’t stand on her own either but pushing him down further wasn’t the answer.
Juice nodded his head and backpedaled out of the living room.
She’d embarrassed them and he didn’t even care.
Thankfully, everyone that had come over were sincere. Support was everything in their gang and they rallied together, to show Juice that he didn’t have to go through this alone. Tia didn’t either. Her line sisters were present and hated that she was pushing her husband away.
“Let’s pray,” Keiva, Tia’s best friend suggested.
He appreciated that. This was their family and Tia was treating everyone like strangers.
Family… because he or she didn’t really use the word friend. The bonds that they’d individually created with everyone was solid.
Everyone that was around him and knew where his kids laid their head was family.
His friends were family. Period.
Juice had been trying to pray but was struggling. He couldn’t think straight or settle his mind long enough to talk to God.
He was confused and questioned the last few months of his life.
Things were going so good and now this?
He and Tia were happy and then she was rushed into surgery to deliver their son. Juice wanted to believe that they were stronger than this. They were going to make it.
Everyone made a circle and joined hands.
Juice’s father was Muslim, but he still gripped his ex-wife’s hand. Juice didn’t know what he was these days. Him and religion was in a weird space right now.
Keiva asked, “Who gon’ pray?”
Chanda smacked her lips, “Wait, you suggested that we pray but ain’t gon’ do it?”
This heffa was crazy.
“Now you know all I know is The Lord’s prayer, y’all want me to say that?”
Juice busted out laughing with tear-filled eyes.
He needed that.
It had been three days since their son stopped breathing overnight and he’d been in distress since they got the call.
“I’ll pray.”
Tia returned.
She made it down the street and something told her to go home.
Nah, it was God.
He told her to turn around and love on her husband.
Tia refused to allow the devil to set up camp in her house. He couldn’t get cozy in her mind, in her heart or in her family.
He was going right back to the pits of hell where he came from.
Her face was red, eyes puffy, cheeks swollen, lips dry.
She looked a hot mess.
Her yoga pants were too big.
Shirt baggy.
“You sure?” Juice’s mother questioned.
Tia nodded her head, she paced herself as she came through the circle and took her husband’s hand.
He reached over and kissed her forehead, firmly.
Tears continued to stream down his face.
Their children didn’t understand, and they didn’t either.
But one thing Tia vowed to stop doing was checking God.
Because He made no mistakes.
“First, I want to apologize for disrespecting my husband in front of everyone. We are so grateful for the love and support. Thank you for stopping and dropping what y’all was doing to be here for us. Our baby, Zion. We named him Zion.”
“He was tired y’all,” Tia looked around at her people.
“Every time we went to see him…I would whisper to him, gone on baby…. gone and go,” She admitted as she wept.
“Y’all, my baby was suffering. He’s in a better place,” she informed them.
Juice sobbed quietly.
“We’re sad now but we going to get through this, with y’all help. Keep loving on us and I’m about to pray. Then we gon’ cook and eat and enjoy this day together. We aren’t having a funeral. This is the celebration of his life.”
She’d made her mind up during the short ride down the street.
“Heavenly Father, we call on you today, God.”
Tia started the prayer the best she could.
Her strength was wavering, but the Word told her that in Him, she would be made strong.
Juice squeezed her hand.
All it took was faith the size of a mustard seed and honestly, that was all she had right now.
All she had…
The day came and went and when she finally put her kids to bed, showered and slid in between her eight-hundred count sheets, she finally felt relief and peace.
He was working things out in her family’s favor. No matter what it looked like before, joy was coming in the morning. Tia believed that to be true.
“Thank you, God.” She whispered as she closed her eyes and drifted off.
η
She couldn’t be paid to visit that man. Not in a million years. The last aching and painful memory of him that she had was her standing at the top of the stairwell on what she thought was the beginning of her new life.
He looked at her and smiled.
The nigga, no the devil, had the audacity to smile at her before pulling the trigger.
When she came to her senses enough for the police to question her.
They asked her all kinds of questions.
Was he drunk?
Was he on drugs?
Any signs of PTSD?
Did he have a bad day?
How were things on his job?
Were they heading towards divorce?
How was his behavior when he got home?
All kinds of questions and Carmen’s response every time was, “What does that have to do with him shooting me?”
He attempted to kill her.
Attempt was defined as to make an effort to achieve or complete (something, typically a difficult task or action)
An act of trying to achieve something. Typically, one that is unsuccessful or not certain to succeed.
Her ex-husband’s intention was to murder her.
There was nothing that he could say to change it.
The Judge showed no mercy when he was sentenced, and Carmen’s family was happy.
However, him being imprisoned had nothing to do with the haunting of her mind.
He visited her in her dreams and nightmares for YEARS.
She couldn’t shit, shower, eat or sleep without thinking of him or hearing his voice in her head.
It took her awhile to get herself back together and in every aspect, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically.
Her seeing him today felt l
ike a setback of some sort.
The only person that she trusted with her feelings was First Lady.
Carmen knew where her spiritual leaders lived.
She’d only been to their brownstone once. Apostle surprised her with a birthday brunch for her fiftieth birthday. Carmen and Nia helped him plan the celebration.
As she drove to their house it wasn’t by chance that it was pouring down raining and storming.
Neezy was out of town on a press run. He didn’t know what she’d done today. No one did.
She screamed at the red light.
Wondering where did the strength derive from.
Was she in her right mind when she drove to the prison to visit him?
Carmen cried profusely.
A car behind her honked once the light turned green.
She hollered although they couldn’t hear her, “I’m going!”
People barely gave you a second to ease your foot off the brakes these days.
She made it to their home but didn’t move.
She couldn’t.
Her body was still.
Her mind was trampled.
Her heart on bypass.
She wanted badly to gain understanding for what went down that night and why.
Even if he did hate her, how could he find a decent reason to pull the trigger?
Not only did he pull it once, but he kept going.
That’s what her lawyer argued in court.
He kept freakin’ shooting.
He intended to kill her.
There was no way around it.
When he joined her at a metal table, she was angry because he hadn’t aged at all.
Carmen always imagined that he would be gray and ashy looking but that wasn’t the case.
Keiter looked younger. He looked…like he was at peace.
But how?
He spoke first, “You’ve gained weight.”
He had the audacity to speak on her weight.
“You got some-
Carmen told herself to keep cool.
“Keiter.”
She exhaled.
Before she could say anything else.
He…apologized.
“Carmen, I’m sorry. For everything.”
That’s not what she expected him to say.
Surely, the hell didn’t.
“Huh?”
Her mink lashes blinked rapidly.
She came to yell at him.
To curse his name and to demand that he speak to his family about bad mouthing her to their son.
“I apologize for…what happened that night. For not being a good husband. Not being faithful—"
That took her by surprise.
“Wait, you were cheating on me?”
Carmen would’ve never guessed that.
Keiter shook his head, “That’s how much you didn’t care. I cheated. A lot. Every night,” he admitted.
His life was pretty much over, there was no need to lie anymore.
“When? With who?”
She knew she wasn’t stunting him, but she would’ve never assumed that he was sleeping with other women.
Not the way he used to fuck her with that little dick.
“It’s neither here nor there. Thank you for coming to see me. Not sure why you’re here but I wanted to tell you that. I wrote you…maybe, two years ago. Kniko gave me your address.”
The letter.
Carmen eyed that letter for days and never picked it up.
Never opened or read it.
Then her mom died.
Did Kniko tell him that?
“Keiter, our son hates me.”
That was why she came to see him.
She shared her reason.
He shook his head and sighed, “No, he doesn’t, Cece.”
She hated that nickname and hadn’t heard it in so long.
“Well, why doesn’t he want to talk to me or live with me?”
Keiter looked at her as if she should already know.
“What?” she rushed.
He shook his head, “I TOLD HIM THE TRUTH.”
She parked her car and released another gut-wrenching soulful cry.
Carmen was tired of setbacks. Tired of disappointments. Tired of holding in her truth. The secret was painful.
She was over everything. Where was the light at the end of this never-ending tunnel?
Keiter promised to call Kniko and talk to him. He also had the nerve to apologize for telling him, knowing it wasn’t his place. It was a conversation that they vowed to never discuss not with each other again or him.
He admitted that it was done out of spite.
Carmen was missing out on vital moments and memories.
Before she departed, she asked him was he happy.
Kniko didn’t have him or her in his life…so was it worth it?
The Meadows’ dogs barked loudly.
“What’s going on?” Apostle asked Cookie, as if the Pomeranian pup could speak back.
He peeked through the blinds behind the velvet burgundy curtains and saw a car in front of their house.
“Babe, someone is outside,” he told his wife.
He closed his robe and grabbed a bat.
The area they lived in was currently going through the process of gentrification, but it wasn’t all the way safe yet.
“Let them be,” his wife suggested. The weather was horrible, and she didn’t want him going out there.
As long as whoever was out there didn’t come to their door step, she was fine.
He ignored her, turned the alarm off and walked outside anyway.
Upon approaching the vehicle, he heard a woman crying.
He tapped the window and someone looked up with sad eyes.
“Carmen?”
She nodded her head, unlocking the door and turning her car off.
When she stepped out onto the pavement she shared with him, “I didn’t have anywhere to go.”
Which was true. No parents. No big brother to save the day.
Missy moved to Palm Springs with a promise to return for the fashion show.
Apostle nodded his head in understanding, “It’s okay, come on in.”
It was pouring down raining and they both were drenched when they entered the home.
“Carmen, sweetie. Is everything okay?” First Lady was alarmed.
None of their members ever came to their house, yet alone, unannounced and uninvited.
Something had to be wrong.
She removed her jacket and shoes while her leaders watched her carefully.
“Baby, how about you put on some tea?” First Lady suggested to her husband.
The relationship she and Carmen had was different. She loved and nurtured all her spiritual daughters.
She and Apostle had one son who passed away in a car accident. He was coming home to visit during Thanksgiving break from college.
She only had one child; it was a difficult pregnancy.
First Lady believed that was why God placed a ministry for women into her spirit.
Her calling was to bring forth gifts out of women.
Carmen plopped down on their bottom step in the foyer.
“I went to see my ex-husband today,” she blurted out.
The Meadows were aware of Carmen’s backstory.
First Lady paused and then asked, “How did it go?”
Carmen wiped her tears away, but they kept falling.
She shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know. I remained a child of God, if you’re wondering,” she admitted.
First Lady smiled, “Well good, daughter. I’m happy to hear it. Did you find what you were looking for?”
Carmen didn’t know what she meant by that.
“I wasn’t looking for anything.”
“Why did you go see him?” she redirected the question, for clarification.
Carmen paused, “To… I went to see him because I wanted him to talk to our son.” She now wasn’t sure of her r
easoning.
“You went looking for an answer,” she collected.
First Lady followed her statement up with, “Did you get it?”
She was cool, calm and collected as always.
Allowing Carmen to process her questions and think about her responses.
First Lady had the gift of discernment and Carmen’s spirit was heavy tonight.
More and more tears pooled in her eyes.
“Yes ma’am.”
“Now what?”
She didn’t know.
“He told me what I kind of already knew…I just wanted to be sure.”
She was beating around the bush.
“Carmen, did you ask God to help you forgive your ex-husband? Did you ask Him to remove the guilt and burden that you felt from everything that’d transpired between you two?” First Lady questioned.
“Yes, I did.”
“When you asked God about this, did you also lay it at His feet? Or did you go back and pick it up?”
She dropped her head, crying another batch of tears.
“My peace comes and goes,” she admitted.
“What are you doing to keep it, darling?”
The relationship that one had with Christ was like any other relationship. It required consistency.
First Lady would tell any newcomer that a relationship with God was a job. She didn’t believe that you could find yourself, God and someone else at the same time.
Which is why she always preached to the single ladies at church, “Wait on Him and in the meantime, get yourself in order.”
Consistency and God went together. You couldn’t treat God like a side thing.
“Have you prayed about reconnecting with your son? Have you asked God to handle it?”
Her questions were simple.
Carmen shook her head, “No, I don’t think so. I was at first. Not lately.”
First Lady took a deep breath.
“I believe that it’s not hard. I trust God enough to know that this battle was made easy for you. Ask God to step in with you and Kniko and watch what He do,” she clapped her hands.
The goodness of the Lord.
“You went to see your ex-husband, okay it happened. Let’s not dwell, baby. We’ve slayed that giant already.”
First Lady dropped down to her knees and got on Carmen’s level.
She then added, “Don’t let the devil convince you to think that a FIFTEEN MINUTE visit is gon’ set you back. Because guess what? It’s not. You’re strong. You’re fearfully and wonderfully made. You know the Word! God got you through that already and guess what? He’s not going to let you go back to NOTHING that BROKE you, do you hear me?” she considered her eyes.