by Joan Kilby
“Sometimes,” he began slowly. “Men don’t know what they feel. They’re confused because they’re not as smart as women that way.”
She stared at him for another long beat and then turned away. He heard the breath leave her lungs. Saw her hand lift to her face when she brushed away a tear. Was that tear for him, or for Ricky’s father? She had to harbor a certain amount of resentment and anger toward the man. Maybe some lingering feelings, too. Cody didn’t like the idea of that.
“Are there any more groceries to be brought in?” he asked to change the subject.
“No, that’s it.” She started unloading them into the fridge. “I’m working tonight, dinner till close,” she added, her voice flat.
“Do you think Trent will come again?” he said, to keep talking. He dreaded her giving up on him.
“Maybe,” she said. “He doesn’t keep me informed of his movements.”
Cody heard the jibe and didn’t respond. He wished he could talk over his rodeo plans with Kelly and have her support. What he didn’t want was for her to mother him.
“Maybe if I brought my grandfather around,” he said. “Nate could talk to Trent and convince him to, I don’t know, at least have a shower and get his clothes washed.”
The last person Cody felt like seeing right now was Nate. He’d been his grandfather’s favorite when he was little and in turn he’d hero-worshiped Nate. When Cody had dropped out of school Nate had expressed his disapproval, an attitude that had intensified when Cody took up rodeo as a career choice. Now that Cody was injured, no doubt his grandfather was itching to say, “I told you so.” But Trent had become important to Kelly, and Cody didn’t like the idea of people going hungry. Cody just wished he didn’t still want Nate’s approval so badly.
“That’s a great idea,” Kelly said, her face lightening.
The lurch in Cody’s heart told him just how badly he wanted her approval, too. He was torn between wanting her in his life, and craving the rodeo circuit. Why couldn’t he find the courage to tell her how he felt? Find some way to compromise?
She put down the bag of oranges and slid her arms around his neck, hugging him. “We could drive Trent up to his shack and see if it’s weatherproof for winter.”
“Whoa, one step at a time.” Cody breathed in her scent and savored the feel of her in his arms. How long would this last?
“You’re right.” She eased back to slant him an oblique look. “First we have to get him to trust us enough to let us help.”
*
When Linda heard about their plan she’d offered to sit with Ricky. Kelly had no idea how long this meeting might take. It could be over in minutes or drag on for an hour. It all depended on how Trent reacted to meeting his old friend, Nate Starr.
That night Kelly let Cody and his grandfather into the empty diner and turned the closed sign outward on the door.
Cody introduced Kelly. Nate shook her hand with a painfully firm grip. Now she understood a little of Cody’s ambivalence toward his grandfather. Even though Nate was in his late seventies he was still a force to be reckoned with. He had lean, sharp features, piercing gray eyes and a mouth that didn’t look as though he smiled often.
“Nice to meet you,” she said. He only nodded and gave her a thorough once-over. She could almost hear him thinking, so this is the woman Cody threw away his prize money on.
Clearly he wasn’t a man who gave his approval lightly. She could well imagine Cody being intimidated as a youth. Apparently Nate had been a pioneer in the town, tough as nails and unforgiving of any weakness, physical or moral. He would have provided a strong role model to Cody growing up although she suspected he also contributed to Cody hiding any vulnerability under a tough facade.
Kelly made a fresh pot of coffee and poured a cup for Nate to take out to Trent. She’d heard the homeless man rummaging in the trash but hadn’t gone out to speak to him, deciding not to risk frightening him away before Nate arrived.
“How does he look?” Nate asked, stirring a couple packets of sugar into Trent’s coffee on Kelly’s instruction. “Is he well?”
“It’s hard to tell under the grime,” she said. “He’s missing a couple of teeth.”
Nate grunted. “That can be fixed.”
Cody sat several stools away at the counter, leaving distance between him and his grandfather.
Kelly turned back to Nate. “Parker said the family has tried many times to get him medical attention.”
“The family put him in an aged care home against his will five years ago,” Nate said. “When he escaped from that they had him admitted to a psychiatric facility. While out on a day pass, Trent took off for the hills and hasn’t had anything to do with them since.”
Kelly’s eyebrows rose. Parker hadn’t mentioned any of that.
“If he has mental health issues…” Cody began.
“Just because he won’t be shut away in a care facility doesn’t mean he’s crazy.” Nate snorted. “Just the opposite.”.
“Maybe he isn’t capable of living on his own,” Cody retorted.
“He’s surviving, isn’t he?” Nate shot back in support of his old friend. “He wants his independence.”
“He won’t last long if he’s a danger to himself,” Cody insisted.
Kelly glanced from Cody to Nate, noting their set faces. Seeing them together they looked remarkably alike. In character, too, Cody was more similar to his grandfather than he knew. Stubborn and yes, prideful. In the right context, those were good traits, allowing a person to achieve a great deal. Taken too far and they could be limiting.
“We don’t have time to argue,” she said. “Trent doesn’t hang around for long.”
Nate picked up the coffee and walked through the kitchen and out to the back. “Hello, Trent. How are you doing, buddy?”
Kelly, hidden behind a wall, listened to Trent’s grunt of surprise. And then Nate shut the door behind him. She went back to the counter and leaned on it in front of Cody. “What’s with your granddad? Is he always this antagonistic?”
“Only toward me.” Cody’s mouth twisted. “Ever since I took up rodeo. He was furious and has never tried to hide it.”
“He must think you have more potential,” Kelly said.
“He thinks I’m lazy. That I’d rather party than work my butt off.”
“But you do work your butt off. Surely he can see that. Even when you only had the use of one arm you were always doing something. Chopping wood, fixing your truck. Helping Will in the orchard, or your dad at the real estate office.” Kelly paused. “You’re just not working for your own goals.”
“My goals are rodeo.”
“What about that ranch you said you wanted to own?” she asked. “What kind of a ranch, anyway?”
“Bull breeding,” he said immediately. “There’s good money in it and lots of opportunity with all the interest in rodeo.” For a moment his face was animated, his eyes alight. Then he shook his head. “It’s too expensive. I don’t want to put myself into hock and live in my parents’ basement for the next ten years. Besides, ranches don’t come cheap.”
“Could your family lend you the money?”
“I don’t want to be that deep in debt.”
Two could live cheaper than one, she thought, allowing Cody to save more. But she held her tongue. Once before she’d tried to convince a man to share her life. She couldn’t risk that kind of humiliation and heartbreak again.
Nate entered the kitchen, Trent following. “Trent’s coming to my house tonight,” Nate said. “Tomorrow we’ll see.”
Nate ushered Trent out through the front door and then paused to say to Kelly, “Good thinking getting me to talk to him.”
“It was Cody’s idea,” she said.
Nate gave Cody a searing glance, grunted, and then left.
Cody shook his head. “He’s consistent.”
“He loves you. He just can’t show it.” She turned out the lights and followed the men out, adding too quietly for
Cody to hear, “Don’t be like him.”
*
Saturday morning, Kelly bounded out of bed, excited at having a whole day off for the first time in weeks.
It was two days since Nate had taken Trent home with him. Yesterday he’d called to ask if Cody and she wanted to help him return Trent to his cabin and deliver a load of wood at the same time. Kelly, who’d answered the phone, had said yes without consulting Cody, ready to go along even if Cody wouldn’t, or couldn’t. To her surprise and pleasure, Cody had agreed readily, saying the lifting would be good exercise for his arm and shoulder.
“Wake up, sleepyhead,” she called to Ricky, still snuggled under the covers. “We’re going for a drive up the mountain.”
“What for?” he asked, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles.
“To help Trent, an old friend of Cody’s grandfather, and the great-uncle of my boss.”
Ricky’s face scrunched as he tried to work out if she was talking about one man, or two. Then he shrugged and gave up to slide out of bed and rummage in the dresser for clean clothes.
The aroma of fresh coffee brewing drew her to the kitchen where Cody was frying bacon and eggs. A stack of buttered toast was warming in the oven.
“You’re up early,” she said, sliding an arm around him as she leaned in to sneak a piece of bacon.
“Couldn’t sleep.” There were dark circles under his eyes.
“Is something bothering you?” She hoped that something wasn’t her. She hadn’t gone to his room since their quarrel over him going rodeoing. Cody had become increasingly moody and she struggled to find the emotional energy to try to coax him around when her own future was so uncertain. Maybe she’d overreacted about the rodeo but she cared about his welfare even if he didn’t.
“Just this shoulder,” he muttered. “I want my life back.”
His rodeo life, he meant. Kelly took plates down from the cupboard. He couldn’t wait to get back to bull riding. She’d been fooling herself that he was content living with her and Ricky, that he liked family life, or the facsimile they represented. This week, for sure, she would sign a lease for a rental property.
It was too soon for her and Cody to be living together, anyway. And yet, in so many ways, it felt right. Cody was great with Ricky and Ricky adored Cody. She wished she could share Cody’s room openly, that she didn’t have to pretend nothing was going on between them. That Cody would be Ricky’s father—
Enough. Those were dangerous fantasies. Yes, it felt to her as if they were made for each other but Cody wasn’t interested in long-term commitment.
She put the plates around the small table and went back to the kitchen for cutlery, covertly eyeing Cody as he reached into a high cupboard for a plate for the eggs. Either he had no pain from the movement or he hid it well.
She was on edge lately, watching him like a hawk, alert to any sign that he was losing interest in their relationship, or fling, whatever it was. With Ricky’s father she’d been so naive that she hadn’t picked up on the signals he’d been sending that he wasn’t serious about them as a couple. So now her antennae were alert for the slightest sign that Cody was retreating.
There was nothing overt. Outwardly he was the same charming, warm guy who joked around with Ricky and kissed her till her toes curled. But between those moments there were an increasing number of occasions when she felt him go to someplace deep inside himself where she couldn’t follow.
Cody had never wanted a relationship. Was that why he was eager to get back on the circuit—to get away from her? Was the reason he couldn’t talk because he was thinking about leaving?
“Kelly?” Cody said, sounding as if this wasn’t the first time he’d called her name.
“Sorry, I was off in la-la land.” She glanced around. “What else do we need?”
“It’s all here.” Cody set the platter of bacon and eggs in the middle of the table. “Ricky, breakfast is ready.”
Ricky got up off the living room floor and took a seat next to Cody. “Look at my new horse.”
“Where did you get that?” Kelly asked.
“Granddad Nate.” Ricky twisted the rearing black stallion to face Cody and made a high-pitched whinny.
“Not at the table, please, Ricky.” Kelly glanced involuntarily at Cody for his reaction to Ricky’s slip of the tongue. Cody gazed steadily down at his plate, forking up fried egg. She transferred food to her plate even though her stomach was in turmoil.
“Nate isn’t your grandfather,” she told Ricky. “You should call him Mr. Starr.” Her heart ached for her son, who she knew longed for a whole family. Mom, dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins… Cody’s family was so warm and welcoming she didn’t blame Ricky for feeling as if they could just slip into the Starrs’ lives and bask at the hearth of their family love.
But they weren’t her and Ricky’s family.
“He told me to call him Granddad.” Ricky continued to prance the horse around the table. “He said everyone else did.”
Kelly put a hand over his and took the figurine away. “You can have it back after you eat.”
“Yes’m.” Ricky sighed and reached for the toast.
Was this more evidence of dementia in Nate? Or something else? Cody had made no reaction.
“Are you going to help us move some wood for Granddad’s friend Trent?” Cody said to Ricky.
“I guess so,” Ricky said.
“You guess so?” Cody teased. “How are your muscles? Show me.”
Ricky flexed an arm and proudly created a tiny bicep bump. “I’m strong, see?”
Cody felt it and pretended to be impressed. “Want to arm wrestle?”
“No,” Ricky said seriously. “I don’t want to hurt your sore arm.”
Cody’s mouth twisted in a mixture of amusement and pain at being coddled by a six-year-old. “Eat up, we need to get going.”
Kelly’s heart was full and hurting. Cody would make such a great father—when he was ready, which might not be for years. She didn’t want to try to change him, or make him do something he didn’t want to do. At the same time, she had to guard her heart. He wouldn’t deliberately hurt her—she knew that. But it could happen anyway. Maybe it was already too late.
*
Nate arrived after breakfast. They all piled into Cody’s truck, Kelly in the back with Ricky while Nate took the passenger seat next to Cody. They headed into town to load a cord of firewood from the lumberyard before continuing on to the grocery store to stock up on canned food and dry goods.
Cody drove out of town on Mission Range Road, crossed Route 35, and continued up the mountain. There was already snow on the peaks. Their delivery wouldn’t come too soon for Trent. Nate told them that he’d talked to Trent’s daughter and she planned to go up tomorrow and bring a down comforter, warm clothing and extra supplies.
“There’s good hiking here in the summer,” Cody said to Kelly as they passed a pull off for a trail.
She wanted to say, I’d love for you to take me and Ricky. Instead, she said, “Good to know.”
Trent’s cabin was only a short way up the mountain by vehicle but already there had been a light snowfall. Cody put the truck into four-wheel drive and they bumped and crashed down the overgrown driveway.
“Speaking of hiking,” Kelly said, clinging to the strap, “it must take Trent all day to walk to town.”
“He’s a stubborn old coot,” Nate commented but with a touch of admiration.
Cody caught her gaze in the rearview mirror and subtly raised his eyebrows, messaging loud and clear—pot, kettle, black. She lifted a corner of her mouth and wondered if Cody also recognized himself as being stubborn and whether he could see that here was a stark lesson on where excessive stubbornness could lead a man. Trent had other issues as well, but still.
The cabin was more of a shack, patched in places with mismatched planks of wood. The tar-paper roof was peeling and ragged. The one window was covered in plastic and the door sagged on its hinges. A thin
spiral of smoke from the wood-fired stove curled up from the chimney.
Trent emerged, unshaven and hair unkempt but dressed warmly in clean sweatpants and a hooded jacket that Nate must have given him. Polite and well-mannered at the diner, now he scowled, clearly unhappy at having his home invaded by do-gooders. “What’s going on here?”
Nate walked over and clapped a hand on his back. “I was stocking up with wood for winter and accidentally bought too much. You’d be doing me a favor taking some off my hands.”
Trent’s frown deepened and for a moment Kelly thought he would tell them to clear out, then unexpectedly, his jaw worked. Saying nothing, he nodded curtly and went back inside.
While the men started to stack the wood beneath a lean-to, Kelly unloaded the dry goods and carried the first box to the cabin. “Trent? Can I come in?”
The door creaked open and he stood back to let her in. She held her breath, fearing the worst, but released it when she saw there were no piles of rotting garbage or dead rats lying around.
The single-room living space was sparsely furnished with a camp cot covered in an old gray army blanket and a small scarred wooden table with a single straight-backed chair. Paperbacks with curling pages and no covers lay scattered on a shelf. There was a wood stove in the corner and a kerosene lantern on the table. No electricity meant he had no fridge. There was a sink but no bathroom. She presumed he had an outdoor toilet in the woods.
Kelly stacked the canned meat and vegetables on the rickety shelves next to the sink. “That should keep you going for a while,” she said cheerily. “Remember, you’re always welcome to eat at the diner.”
Seated in his upright chair, Trent moved his head noncommittally.
“I’ll go help unload the wood.” Kelly was glad to get out of the depressing cabin. Feeding Trent at the diner made her feel like she was doing something positive. Seeing the extent of the problem made her feel like her gesture was a drop in the ocean.