by G. B. Gordon
Arkady laughed. “And how you drink your coffee, and which side of the bed you sleep on.” But the tension didn’t leave his shoulders.
They’d downloaded truckloads of sample questions and had been going through them for weeks now. Plus Arkady did actually live here again. There’d been no more nights away, or keys left on the table. Hell, they slept in the same bed. Jason didn’t see how this could possibly go wrong. Which was, of course, exactly the famous-last-words scenario he should guard against. But they had. To outward appearances at least, he didn’t see how their lives could be any more intertwined than they already were. Not that he was an expert on relationships. He assumed that Arkady was way better at those than he was. And Arkady was nervous. Not good, that.
“Can I ask you something?” Arkady had gotten them both beers out of the fridge, and now stood staring at the door.
“Shoot.”
“Why is Lily not in your life?”
Jason mentally tried to shift gears. “What do you mean ‘why not’? Why do you think you’re here?”
Arkady shook his head. “I’m not talking about money. I’m talking about actual contact, having her over, going to the zoo, that sort of thing. You haven’t seen her since the wedding. I thought at first it might be about what you said, that she shouldn’t get used to me, but that isn’t it, is it? You haven’t been to see her on your own either.”
“I’m working a lot.”
“Yeah, I know. But come on, how often have you seen her since she was born? Do I need one hand or two?”
“I fail to see how that’s any of your business.” The questions shouldn’t have made Jason feel called out, much less cornered, because he had valid reasons for not elbowing into Lily’s life. But they did, and his answer had been harsher than he’d intended.
But Arkady didn’t back down. He wasn’t looking at Jason, was still staring at the fridge door, at Lily’s photo probably. “I just really need to know why. Not the ‘I work hard, and it’s a long drive’ answer. The real reason. Please. It’s important.”
There were undertones here that went beyond what they were actually saying, but Jason couldn’t put his finger on them. He shrugged. It was hard to put his reasons into so many words, no matter how much sense they made to him. “I don’t want to get in the way,” he finally said. “She’s a smart kid. Like, seriously smart. And she has parents who love her. I don’t have anything to add to that.”
“You’re wrong. In more ways than one. It takes a village to raise a child. How could she have too much love?”
Jason bristled at the You’re wrong, but tried to keep it out of his voice. “Good intentions don’t guarantee good outcomes.”
“So you don’t even try?”
He wouldn’t be able to keep a lid on his temper much longer. He was trying, his way. And Arkady knew that. He shook his head; they were going around in circles. “You need to back off, buddy.”
Arkady shrugged, or tried to. There was so much tension in his shoulders that it looked tortured. This wasn’t about Lily at all, was it?
“What exactly are we arguing about?”
At that Arkady finally turned. “I’m not arguing. I’m just trying to figure out— Ah, hell, I’m probably kidding myself, and it’s a moot point anyway.” He looked disappointed and defeated now.
Jason had no idea how something nearly perfect had deteriorated so fast and so completely. He wasn’t surprised though. That was exactly how life worked. Still, he tried one more time.
“It takes a lot of things to raise a child. Some people have it, and some people don’t. All I’m saying is, those who don’t, shouldn’t raise children.”
“And you think you don’t?”
“I know I don’t.”
“I still think you’re wrong,” Arkady said softly. “But nothing I say will change your mind, will it?”
Jason’s patience slipped. Arkady was getting a fucking green card out of their deal, and he’d made it amply clear that that, and nothing else, was the deal. Which didn’t give him any fucking right to fuck with anybody’s fucking feelings. “Why would you want to? Why the fuck do you even care?”
“Yeah, I’m asking myself that. I really shouldn’t.”
With that Arkady left. Not just the kitchen. He grabbed his fucking keys on the way out, and Jason heard his car engine start up outside, with no idea whether he’d come back this time, and out of fresh excuses to call him if he didn’t. How could they feel so solid together, when whatever they had could break any second? Because it’s all in your head, Cooley. It’ll break, and soon, because it’s meant to. Because that’s the plan, remember? Fuck!
He kicked the trash can across the room in frustration, and nearly lost his balance. Great. For a second he’d forgotten about his leg. He hadn’t thought that was possible. With a bark of laughter, he sank down on one of the kitchen chairs. Good fight. Thanks for nothing.
He nuked his dinner, and ate it in inglorious silence, wishing he’d never heard of Arkady Izmaylov.
Arkady came back a little after midnight, smelling of booze and cigarettes. He blinked when he saw Jason sitting on the couch with his laptop.
“What are you doing still up?” He was clearly trying hard not to slur his words. He looked around, then dropped his jacket where he was standing.
“Making sure you didn’t wrap yourself around a tree. You shouldn’t drink and drive.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.” It didn’t sound aggressive, though, but quiet, almost soothing. Like what he’d really wanted to say was, Don’t worry about me.
Jason laughed. “Really? Well, look who’s talking.”
Arkady sat down next to him, and Jason immediately shoved his hands into his pockets. The heat between them never seemed to die, no matter what they were currently throwing at each other.
“I’m sorry,” Arkady said. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I guess it’s just something I want so much that it’s been bugging me. I can’t understand it. But that’s no excuse. I was way out of line, and I’m sorry.”
Wait. What? Want what so much?
Before he could actually ask that question, Arkady leaned against him and rested his head on Jason’s shoulder. “The world’s a funny place,” he said. “And not as in ‘ha ha.’”
Jason gave up. He wrapped both arms around Arkady and pulled him close. “Half the time I don’t know what you’re talking about when you’re sober; I’m not even going to try when you’re drunk.”
“It gives you all these amazing things, then takes them away again,” Arkady said, snuggling his nose under Jason’s chin.
“Now there’s a truth.”
“Never mind. Take me to bed.”
“Want me to carry you up the stairs?”
Arkady sat up. “You couldn’t. Could you?”
“Don’t be so sure,” Jason growled.
A shiver ran through Arkady’s body. “Oh, hell, yeah.”
Wednesday morning they dressed in business formals, tacitly shined shoes, and straightened each other’s ties. Arkady recoiled when Jason asked him what he wanted for breakfast, and he only took one sip of coffee, then spit it into the sink.
“I’m okay,” he said, when Jason half rose from his chair. “I just don’t feel like eating.”
“It’ll all work out,” Jason said. Did people say that as a prayer or a reassurance? Both?
“It better work out, because if not, I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t go back. Now less than ever.”
“You won’t have to.” Prayer it was.
“I wish . . . it was already done.”
It had sounded like he’d been about to say something else, but Jason didn’t ask. He merely took the hint, ate his sandwich in two bites, and washed it down with the coffee. “Let’s hit the road, then.” He’d had to call in a few favors to get the day off on less than a week’s notice, but hearing the reason, everyone had made an effort and wished them luck.
They were on their way to the car wh
en the phone rang in the house. Arkady held up the key he’d just been about to put in his pocket. “I got it,” he said, and went back inside when Jason shrugged.
Jason picked some fall leaves off the rental’s wipers. He quite liked driving this car. He could use a new one himself, but that wasn’t going to happen. Not until the Camry fell apart under him. In the meantime he’d enjoy this one. He got in, started the engine, and clicked through the radio stations until some folk rock came up. Then he drummed his fingers on the wheel. He was just about to go check, when Arkady came out of the house.
“Who was it?” Jason asked as Arkady folded himself into the seat.
“Kendra. Apparently ‘that fool, Jason Cooley’ sent her ‘way more money than he can fucking afford.’” He tsked and shook his head. “You didn’t send her all of it at once, did you?”
“No,” Jason growled, as he started the car. “I knew she’d be suspicious. I just sent her the five grand for the application for now. For Lily’s school,” he added when Arkady’s brows drew together. “What’d you tell her?”
“That you might have mentioned a bonus from work.”
“Thanks.”
Morning traffic was scant, rush hour hadn’t started yet. Arkady threw him occasional sideways glances, until Jason finally asked, “Anything else?”
“Nope.” Arkady grinned at him. “At least nothing that can’t be summed up under ‘that fool, Jason Cooley.’”
Jason grunted.
They made it to the interview with half an hour to spare. Jason got himself a coffee, while Arkady still didn’t want any, then they went to find out where exactly they were supposed to go.
At a window marked Registration, they presented their letter and IDs.
The guy behind the glass took his sweet time studying both. “So, which one of you is the girl?” He was speaking into a microphone on his side, and the question echoed through the waiting room and made every head turn.
Jason straightened his shoulders and stuck his chin out. “Excuse me?”
Arkady laid a calming hand on his back.
But Mr. Sensitivity was laughing hard at his own joke and waved Jason’s challenge aside. “Room 324. Elevator’s on your left.” He winked. “They have cameras in them.”
Jason swallowed the Fuck you when he saw the warning on Arkady’s face. “Seriously though,” he said when they were out of hearing distance. “Was that guy for real?”
“Are you kidding me? That wasn’t even worth the effort of raising an eyebrow. Shrug it off and move on.”
“He shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.”
Arkady barked a laugh. “You can come back here to pick that fight with him once we have what we want.”
He was right, of course. But that didn’t mean that Jason had to like it.
Room 324 was one door in a long row along a longer corridor. Chairs were placed against the wall opposite the door in groups of twos and threes. Jason checked his watch. Still ten minutes to go. He sat down and sipped his coffee, while Arkady prowled the corridor.
The door opened a few minutes later, when a couple in their forties left with encouraging nods to Jason, and goodbyes to the woman behind them holding the door. She was black, middle-aged, sporting a charcoal business suit and Josephine Baker hair without the squiggle. “Jason Cooley and Arkady Izmaylov?” she asked.
They shook hands, she introduced herself as Christine Bailey and offered two seats in front of her desk.
Jason surreptitiously stuck his cup under his chair.
They chatted for a bit about the weather, while Christine pulled their file up on her screen. Arkady was fidgeting beside him, so Jason laid a hand on his thigh in a silent attempt to calm him down. His fingers were squeezed in a hard grasp.
“So,” Christine said. “Tell me about yourselves.” She started with Jason. “How did you two meet?”
“Arkady’s sister and I work together. I gave her a lift to the airport to pick him up.”
“Love at first sight, then?”
“Well, it was something at first sight,” Arkady said, looking at Jason like he was seeing something amazing.
“I was just the driver,” Jason said. “But I knew I wanted to see him again.” That part at least was the truth.
“Where was your first date?”
“In a pub,” Arkady said. “Not that we called the first one a date. We were still figuring out the lay of the land.”
“But the one after was also pub,” Jason supplied helpfully. “And that one was most definitely a date.”
“What was the best date you had?”
They looked at each other. They hadn’t prepared for that question.
“The woods,” Arkady said slowly. “I was thinking about how familiar the landscape was. How easily it could be home.”
Jason hadn’t known that, but it felt like the truth. It gave him goose bumps. He nodded. “Target practice.” He turned to Christine. “It was a typical boys’ day out.” Looking back at Arkady he added, “But it turned surprisingly deep.”
Arkady’s throat moved as he swallowed; he squeezed Jason’s hand.
“Who typically cooks the meals when you’re home, Mr. Cooley?”
“Neither of us knows how to cook.” Here they were on safe ground again. “The microwave is our friend. And I make a mean sandwich.”
“And a good breakfast,” Arkady added.
Jason hooked a thumb at him. “Arkady is the king of instant noodles.”
Arkady burst out laughing. “Trust you to remember that.”
She asked some more questions, about dates they’d had, their daily routines, how they spent weekends, while leafing through the documents they’d brought, and the wedding album Vic’s daughter, Maya, had made for them.
“The little girl is a relative?” She pointed at a picture of Lily dancing with Arkady.
“My daughter.” Jason had been sure she would ask about that.
Christine checked her screen. “Yes, I see here you mentioned a child. You didn’t claim her as a dependent, though?”
“No. She lives with her mother and stepfather.”
“When did your relationship with her mother end?”
“There was no relationship. No romantic one anyway. Kendra, Lily’s mother, and I were schoolmates and friends. There was a party, drinks, then I got deployed. Kendra never gave me any indication that she wanted me in her life, and she got married soon after. And I was in the service, of course, then in the hospital, rehab, trying to get my life back together. Not a good space for a relationship.”
“Did she know you’re gay?”
“Bisexual. No, she didn’t. Not back then. I didn’t know either.” He had to force himself not to look at Arkady. Christine gave him no indication whether she considered his answers sufficient. It made him nervous, and made it hard not to fidget, so he concentrated on his even breathing instead of her face.
She checked her screen again. “You’ve had quite the whirlwind romance. Who proposed?”
“I did,” Arkady said. When she merely nodded expectantly, he added, “I’d bought the ring that morning and was going to wait until dinner that night.” He turned to Jason. “But when I saw you at the studio, I couldn’t wait. It was burning a hole in my pocket.”
Another answer that gave Jason goose bumps. He was starting to feel decidedly off-kilter.
“Did it take you by surprise, Mr. Cooley?”
“A little.” No use denying that. It must have been plain for anyone to see.
“Did you have doubts?”
“No.”
“None? It wasn’t a decision one makes every day.” Was she trying to trap him? Voicing her doubt? Giving him rope to hang himself with?
“I’m used to making split decisions about life and death. And I know what I want.” This time he couldn’t keep himself from throwing a glance at Arkady. God, yes, he wanted that man. Concentrate!
“And have you talked about what you want? About the future? Do
you know what Arkady wants?”
Jesus, fuck. He didn’t have a clue, because there was no future. She’d caught him cold, and he was dead. They both were.
“Family!” he blurted out. He had no idea where the thought had come from, but he knew he was right. “It’s a bit of a weird one, I know, with Lily already part of one family, but we’re making it work.” It sounded true. Please, God, make her believe that.
Christine gave another one of her noncommittal nods. “When did you know it was more than just ‘something at first sight’?” she asked, coming back to Arkady’s earlier answer.
“First date,” Jason said. Sweat was pooling under his arms and at the small of his back. “The one that wasn’t a date. Afterward there was a kiss in a doorway . . .” He stalled, suddenly unsure how much detail was appropriate.
“Sparks,” Arkady added, uncharacteristically terse.
She typed briefly, then said to Arkady, “And what, aside from sparks, made you decide you wanted to spend the rest of your lives together?”
Shit. That wasn’t a question they’d anticipated.
Arkady didn’t hesitate, though. “I know it sounds like a cop-out, but—” he looked at Jason “—he’s the man I’ve been dreaming of since I can remember.”
He said it with such utter conviction that every reason Jason had not to believe him melted away like ice in the sunshine.
Both Arkady and Christine were looking at Jason now. What had been the question? Oh, yeah, why he wanted to stay with Arkady.
“Because he sees me, ‘Flaws and All.’” Next to him Arkady did a double take. “And still thinks I’m worth staying with.”
“That was not why I— I never said anything about you having fl—”
“I know.” Jason squeezed the hand that was still curled around his. “But I do.”
When he turned back to Christine, she was beaming at them and had shoved her keyboard to one side. “To be honest, in light of where you hail from”—she nodded at Arkady—“and of your lightning-quick decision to get married, I had quite the list of questions to ask you two, maybe even separately, but I think we’re done here.”