And what if he knew that my mom and I lived in a one bedroom apartment and we barely made it? Living week to week didn’t sound so bad when you were living day to day.
I’m sure he could care less that I wanted so badly to be in sports in high school but was too busy working to help pay the bills.
I never had any close friends. I had girls that I was friendly with but I didn’t do the party thing or the boyfriend thing.
I could never tell him my mom didn’t marry because she continued to hold on to the “knight in shining armor” dream. I tried over and over to get her to understand that it was never going to happen that way. She’d smile, and tell me to have hope. Hope is a hard thing to have when you’re standing in line at the food bank. I tended to choose reality.
I didn’t want him to know I’d never had a cell phone or my own computer. The fact I was at this school happened to be a miracle totally funded on scholarships and loans.
The room was quiet. I pulled the blanket over my face realizing everything I “couldn’t” tell him had poured out of my mouth. I’d told him everything about where I lived, my parents, and my dream of being a journalist. Embarrassment flooded my body. I lowered the blanket enough to make eye contact, “How long have I been talking?” For a second we stared at each other and then both broke out in laughter.
“I may need time to process that information,” he said teasingly.
After our laughter quieted down, he began to talk. He spoke about his wealthy upbringing and the social expectations he had to live up to. It all seemed so foreign to me.
“My father expects me to run The Brotherhood house next year. He says it’s a huge jump start into my career.” His shoulder slumped; I couldn’t imagine the weight he carried. He continued, lost in his own head, talking about growing up in a family like his. I listened carefully, fascinated by his world and the way he described it. There were parts he appeared passionate about, sharing them in great detail, while others he skimmed over. He quieted and a waterfall of emotions ran across his face as he internally worked though something. I fought the urge to touch his cheek to remind him I was still there. Instead, I reached out and l lightly stroked his hand.
“You okay?” I asked. He grabbed my hand, linking our fingers together.
“I’m good, you talk again. I like the sound of your voice.” He rubbed circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. I struggled to find something to talk about. I had told him everything about myself. “What type of business are you going into?” I asked.
“It’s the family business. It has to do with international customer service. We work with companies across the globe.” He must have seen the small-town girl look on my face. He released my fingers but laid my hand on his leg and covered it with his.
“Okay, the best way to explain it is,” he started, “Company A is trying to impress Company B, because they’re trying to make a deal or need money or a certain type of service. Then Company A hires us as customer service. We then send our highly trained employees out to wherever they are needed. Usually, to keep the higher management of Company B happy and taken care of.”
“Wow. That sounds so exotic.” My mind swirled with a million questions. There was so much of this world I knew nothing about. ”What types of services do you provide,” I asked.
“All types from chefs to personal assistants, attorneys and nannies. Anything they want and it’s paid for by Company A.”
It seemed so common to him. But to me, it was a different world. I paused, realizing how huge his family’s business must be.
“Your employees must be very dedicated. Do they have to leave their families?”
“Sometimes, but we pay them very well and there are a lot of perks. Most of the time the employees can bring their families with them, sort of like a paid vacation.”
I nodded my head as I tried to grasp everything he’d shared with me.
“I’m going to need some time to process this,” I said with a smirk.
He smiled wide and his whole face lit up. My heart raced at the thought of me putting that smile there. Warmth started in my chest and I drew in a deep breath. Cale laid his head against the back of the couch, staring up into the darkness. His mouth opened as if to say something, but closed again. He turned toward me, confusion clouding his eyes. I smiled shyly at him and his eyes dropped to my lips then locked back onto my eyes. With a shaky hand, he reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. His fingertips lingered at the soft skin behind my earlobe. I held my breath, not because I wanted to, but because I wanted to let out a sigh at his soft touch. I leaned my cheek into his hand and he ran his thumb along my jaw line.
“So perfect …” he whispered.
I opened my eyes as he leaned closer to me. Reality slammed back into me. I hadn’t even known this guy for two full days and already I was putty in his hands. My desire fought against this moment of clarity and my body demanded I lean into him. Instead I cleared my throat, and leaned away.
“Have you ever thought about doing something else?” I asked a little too quickly.
He stilled, “I’m sorry?” he asked as he lips turned up into a smirk.
“Oh no, I don’t mean …” as I pointed between the two of us. “I’m not critiquing your …”
I covered my face with both hands and laughed. “That’s not what I meant.”
He reached up and pulled my hands away, smiling and shaking his head in amusement. He kept hold of my hands, laying them gently in my lap.
“I meant, have you ever thought about doing something other than joining your Dad’s business.”
He lowered his eyes and shook his head, “That’s not an option for me.”
I melted again. “Does that make you sad?” The words tumbled from my mouth without much thought.
He stared at our intertwined hands for a few seconds before answering. “I wouldn’t say I’m sad about it. If I’m upset about anything, it’s the loss of choice. My life’s path is already laid out ahead of me but it’s based on someone else’s decisions, not mine.”
I understood that feeling. Finally, something we had in common. My entire life had revolved around the poor decisions my mom made. Even though Cale’s father’s decisions led him toward a position of great power, where my mom’s had taken any power from me, we still lived in the shadows of our parents’ past lives.
I rested my head against the back of the couch. “You can make your own path, if you want to.”
My eyes were getting heavy but I refused to close them. I didn’t want to miss a word that came out of his mouth. My heart ached for him. Even though I hadn’t had the money or upbringing he had, at least my mom had given me the freedom to decide what was going to make me happy.
“It’s getting late.” He motioned toward the window. “Looks like the fair is over.”
I stood and walked over to the window. The few people left in the courtyard moved quickly, taking down tables and stacking them onto carts. The music stopped and I watched as the lights began to darken, one grouping at a time, as they were unplugged. Except for the moonlight, the room was dark.
A heavy silence settled on the room. My heartbeat drummed against my chest. I looked at the floor, crossing my arms loosely over myself. The air shifted and I felt his warmth behind me. He stood close enough that the absence of his touch was painful … and he continued to deny me. His strong body curved around mine. Close enough to feel his presence, but not close enough to touch. I wanted to reach back and pull him close, but I couldn’t be the one to touch him first, somehow I knew this. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, wishing and waiting for any touch from him. He leaned into my hair – his warm, rapid breath causing an aching in me. A burning I had never known.
The air rushed from my lungs when his fingertips reached under my shirt, softly touching the bare skin of my lower back. One hand teased around until he found the curve of my hip, and began a light massage. He brushed my hair away with the other hand. Holding m
y shoulder in place, he lowered his mouth to my collar bone, nudging me until I tilted my head and exposed the soft part of my neck to him. He began with small kisses along my collar bone, making a path up my neck. The tenderness sent a shiver through my body. His mouth smiled against my skin as he realized the power he held over me at this moment.
I arched my back, laid my head on his shoulder. His kisses became more desperate as he spread his fingers out across my bare stomach and pulled me tightly against him. The action was so different than his other touch that it startled me.
His mouth hovered over my ear as he spoke, “I feel so comfortable with you. I don’t really understand what’s going on. I‘m not used to letting my guard down so quickly.” The vibration of his voice so close to me sent shock waves through me, causing my knees to nearly buckle. I reached back with both hands and grabbed onto his thighs, needing something to ground me. He pulled me even tighter against him, his hand slipping around to the front of my throat. His grip was tight, but not restricting. I gasped at the excitement of someone having such control of me. Somewhere deep inside me, terror rose up…cautioning me, but was silenced by this new thrill of emotions.
“Jenna,” my name was breathy and rushed on his lips as he spun me around. His hands grabbed both sides of my face and his eyes connected with mine, desperate for a reply.
Somehow, I managed a few words but instead of the confidence I had hoped for, my voice trembled as I spoke, “I feel comfortable with you too.” The sound of uncertainty in my voice brought me some unwanted clarity. His eyes searched my face. He had heard my doubt too.
I closed my eyes against the flood of embarrassment that surged through me. With those few words I had given away my secret. I wasn’t comfortable with him right now; actually I had never been more uncomfortable than I was in this very moment.
Although, something about his touch – the way he changed from tenderness to aggression…had made me want to ignore the uncomfortable parts and go with the thrill of what he would do next. But I couldn’t ignore what my mind was screaming at me either.
“Stop,” I whispered. I reached up and gently took his hands from my face. As they dropped, he intertwined his fingers with mine, pulling me against him. Inhaling deeply, he pressed his lips hard against my forehead. We both struggled to calm our rapid breaths.
I leaned back, breaking our contact. “Comfortable, maybe. Going to have sex with you tonight ... not a chance.”
He held my stare as his eyes searched back and forth between mine. Releasing me, he smiled and laid his forehead on mine, running his hands up and down my arms.
“I think you should go,” I whispered.
“You’re probably right. I’m sorry.” He took another deep breath and stepped away from me. “I hope I didn’t scare you, or push you too far.”
I shook my head, confused about my feelings and what had happened. He stepped around me and opened the window.
“Wait, what are you doing?”
“You asked me to leave. I can’t go out the door so I will have to use the fire escape.”
“You can’t!”
“Jenna, if I go out the door I’ll get caught. My father would be furious if he knew I was in the girls’ dorm after curfew. He’s going to be in town tomorrow so I won’t be available, but can I see you on Monday?”
I nodded my head like a little girl pouting because she didn’t get her way. Did I want him to stay? No. I wanted him to go. I wasn’t the kind of girl who was going to have sex with him tonight, or any other night for that matter.
The emotional dilemma must have played out on my face. He touched my cheek, and lifted my chin toward him.
“You’re beautiful, but you don’t know that, do you?” His warm breath teased over my lips as his fingertips traced down my face. His eyes lingered on mine like he was committing them to memory. “Be careful Jenna,” he whispered, “You could drive a man to do bad things.” His lips curved into a smirk. “It’s one of the things I like about you.” He released me, giving my forehead a quick kiss and climbed out the window.
>CHAPTER SIX<
“Katie! It’s seven-thirty. I can’t wait any longer. I don’t even know where I’m going.” I yelled into the steamy shower room, unsure of which stall she was in.
“Yes you do, we’ve gone over it a thousand times.” She laughed from behind one of the curtains. “Just go. My class isn’t until 8:30. See you back at the room around noon. Have a great first day!”
“You too,” I yelled pushing my way through the crowded bathroom and into the hallway.
People rushed around me as they hurried back and forth. Anxiety over the first day of classes hung in the air wrapped in a cover of excitement.
There were two streams of people; one heading to the stairs, one to the elevator. I followed the crowd onto the elevator. With my map firmly in my hand, I smiled to myself as my fingers traced over the creased and ripped paper. Katie had laid down a firm "No maps on the first day" rule. This map was hidden away for other reasons than needing directions.
Cale drifted into my mind. If I was honest, he never really left. The memories of Saturday night lingered with me. The trail of warmth left as he kissed down my neck, his fingertips exploring parts of me that had never been touched before. The entire memory was frightening but for the first time in my life, the fear had not shut me down. When his skin touched mine, I felt powerful in my fear and it was intoxicating. A new world had been opened to me. I found there was something I liked about being out of control. And, as much as it scared the hell out of me, I actually enjoyed allowing someone to have power over me – not because they took it, but because I gave it. Whatever had happened between us altered who I was, and the new me wanted more.
Warmth ran over my cheeks and I fanned myself with the map. I ran my hand through my hair, wishing I could wipe away the vision of us standing in front of the window. As much as I had wanted it – it gnawed at my heart. How could I have let that happen? I knew better. This was insane. I needed to take myself out of this fantasy world. Cale was not an option for me, and he was definitely not interested in me. Saturday night was nothing more than a nice guy, coming to my room to get to know me better. Things got out of hand – lines were crossed. I let him into my room at 11:30 at night when I knew nothing about him. What kind of message did I send? I knew what kind; come in, lie on my couch, tell me your life story, and touch me inappropriately.
But we did talk, a lot. We told each other about our families and our future plans. Do you do that with someone you are hoping to have a one night stand with? I was clueless about these sorts of things.
My stomach twisted inside of me, making me nauseous. How stupid could I be to let some guy I don’t even know, into my room? This was a serious lapse of common sense. I told him my whole life story, without even thinking about how that would look or sound to someone like Cale. He had everything, I barely had anything.
Sunday morning Katie and I dissected every possibility of why he had shown up. She was convinced he was interested in me and probably already wanted to get married. Her fantasy included beautiful babies running around in designer diapers and navy polos, calling her Aunt Katie.
I was positive her ‘sunny side up’ attitude about everything was going to make me jump off the fire escape.
My take on things; he was a nice guy and probably could see how unstable I was. He was checking up on me to make sure I was settled. There was no way this guy was interested in me. I had nothing to offer him and I was pretty sure if I didn’t stop obsessing about it, I was going to lose my mind.
Katie disliked my take on it as much as I did hers.
The elevator doors jerked opened, startling me back into reality. I tucked all of my Cale daydreams away so I could focus on my day. Like the follower I was, I mindlessly trailed behind the line of students heading toward the front door. Focus, I needed to focus on school. That’s why I was here. Not for all of this other silly stuff.
An unexpected tap
on my shoulder startled me and I spun around. Cale jumped back with his arms crossed in front of his face.
“Cale!” I said with a playful slap in his direction. Goodbye focus.
“Didn’t you learn your lesson last time?
“Excuse me Miss, but it looks like you’re lost,” he said pointing at my map.
“You know I’m lost.” I snapped back, not realizing until it was out of my mouth how stupid it made me sound.
He laughed out loud and it was a wonderful sound. I laughed with him while my heart thumped hard against my chest, reminding me of Saturday and what happened when he was near.
“Would you like an escort to your first class? I don’t have to be in class until 8:30.”
“Really? That would be wonderful. My first class is beginning journalism. It’s in the communications building, room 346.” I held out the map and tried to point out the building.
“Jenna,” he softly said as he pushed the map down. “I know where that is.” He lifted his eyebrows playfully and smiled.
“Okay college boy, let’s go then.”
I followed him out the doors and into the foggy, fall morning. The heaviness of the air penetrated my clothes and made everything thick and cool. I knew the weather was fickle this time of year and it would be warm by the afternoon, but that didn’t help me now. I trembled and wrapped my arms around myself. The sun was making a pathetic attempt to warm things, but seemed to be just for show.
“Would you like my sweatshirt?”
“Well,” I said, hesitant to take it. He stopped and stripped it off before I could say anymore.
“Jenna, I can see you shivering.” He held it up, making it easier for me to slip into.
I was suddenly surrounded by his warmth and scent. It was heavenly. He watched as I folded up the cuffs.
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