“I know it’s for an initiation or whatever, and you’re probably well aware because you always know everything. And you’ve kept such a close eye on Jonas recently.”
“All right, sleuth.”
“This isn’t a joke. Why didn’t you tell your brothers? Why haven’t you told me?”
“Look, you know how badly Jonas wants to make something of himself. If Kaleb knew about it, he’d figure out a way in. And that’s exactly what Jonas doesn’t want.”
“And what about you?”
“You know that Kaleb and I don’t necessarily think the same way.”
“What about Chase?”
“Chase is so close with Kaleb he would probably tell him what’s going on.”
Alex couldn’t argue with that. “Is it the legacies?”
“I don’t know.”
It couldn’t be Duvall’s earthly kids, the way Jonas ridiculed them. He wasn’t a depressed choker or one of the movers. But ancestry and fighting were two things the Darwins favored.
“I’ve checked it out,” Gabe said. “On paper, it seems fine. They’re a bit rebellious but harmless. So do both of us a favor and keep quiet about it for a while. There’s something in it for you, after all.”
“What do you mean?”
“If Jonas is a part of some exclusive group, something that will get him ahead, he won’t care so much about you and Chase.”
Alex slouched in her seat. Why did Gabe have to be so damn smart?
Gabe traced the lettering on his book. “I need you to keep this a secret, Alex. Chase can’t know.”
She couldn’t deny that something about it felt wrong. “You really think the group is fine?”
“The requirement wasn’t to have the banshee attack someone else. They were supposed to face it themselves. I’ve read plenty about initiations, and their list isn’t anything drastic. A lot of the smaller cities even list requirements or initiate spirits before they can live there. Please just don’t tell Chase.”
“I wouldn’t be able to tell him even if I wanted to. He’s been avoiding me.”
“I figured he was off with you.”
“You haven’t seen him either?”
Gabe shook his head.
“He’s mad about all this, I know it.”
“All the more reason for us to let Jonas do this quietly. Let him have this. One time,” Gabe said softly, “let him actually win.”
***
Lazuli Street was decked out in holiday cheer. Not the kind Alex had been accustomed to in life, however. She had learned in Madame Paleo’s history class that spirits celebrate the winter solstice, the longest night of the year. It was yet another excuse to have a party. Decorated sunstones lined the streets while umbrellas of white lights clustered like clouds overhead. Garland accompanied the ivy on the lampposts, and snow speckled the lollipop trees and shops. It had yet to actually flurry in the city, so Alex questioned how fake snow could feel cold to the touch. “Didn’t you expect it to be cold?” Skye had scoffed when Alex voiced her surprise.
No, she didn’t expect any of this, and so she chose to explore the city alone one afternoon. She still didn’t prefer to be by herself, but at least she was able to absorb the magic of what the imagination could create without being told what to see. She had nearly reached the end of Lazuli Street when warped music flooded her ears. She couldn’t tell if the music leaked from the cracks of the last door on the street with a rickety sign that read Stauffer’s Pub, or if the music was indeed spilling into her mind from Chase’s thoughts as she suspected.
The old wooden door swung aside before she could even think to push it open. The first thing Alex noticed was an extremely low ceiling. If she were to stretch her hands above her head, they would graze the boards. It smelled a bit like a basement—the good kind full of old treasures. At the far right corner of the bar, she found Chase.
Alex almost didn’t want to disturb him. She considered turning and running out the door. Even without reading his thoughts, she could feel his dejection. He had his right elbow on the bar, running his fingers through his hair. The other hand was a clutching a drink, which he swirled absently. She came to a stop behind him. “You look like an old man.”
As he turned, his wrinkled brow smoothed and his tightly set lips turned up slightly. “Guess I can’t hide from you, huh?”
“Guess not,” Alex said, pulling up a stool. She leaned in close to him. “How did you get in here?”
He let out a little laugh and his blue eyes twinkled. What was in that drink?
“When are you going to realize we’re dead? Age is irrelevant now. Besides, this is a Cluricaun bar. They invented alcohol, and this stuff”—he pointed to his drink—“was made for spirits anyway. It’s more like a stronger version of Ex.”
“How come no one hangs out here?”
“It’s not exactly lively.”
Maybe that’s what she liked about it. Alex followed Chase’s gaze to the man who was haphazardly wiping the bar with a dirty dishrag. He noticed Alex and raised his bushy eyebrows.
“Can I get you anything?”
“Sure.” Alex peered into Chase’s glass. “Whatever he’s having.”
“Deribatine Ale. Coming up.”
Chase leaned his temple against his fist and grinned adoringly at Alex.
“How much have you had?”
“Doesn’t matter. But are you willing to catch up?”
“I never back down from a challenge. You know that.” Alex rubbed her hands together.
Stauffer returned with a coaster and a small glass shaped like a boot. He placed them in front of Alex, and when she took a sniff, she winced at the pungency.
Chase chuckled. “A word of advice? You might want to drink the first one quickly.”
Alex tossed back the glass, allowing the fiery mist to sear through her. After a quick moment of regret, her entire body became warm and reenergized. “Oh,” she murmured in surprise.
Chase nodded. “Good, right?” He ordered another round.
Alex watched the bartender shuffle away. “Why are you here?” She watched Chase toy with his drink and avoid her question. “You were waiting in my room the other night, weren’t you? Why did you leave?”
Chase ran his fingers through his hair again and sighed heavily. “You know why I left.”
So he had heard the conversation. “How did you know Jonas was out there?”
“I could hear him in your mind. He’s right, you know. About what he said. Why should I deserve you now after all this time?”
“That was a decision we both made.”
“I should have fought for it.”
“You can’t listen to Jonas, Chase. You’ll go crazy. I don’t see things the way he does and neither do you. I’m sure it never occurred to him that anything you did or didn’t do was to protect yourself. And me.”
“I didn’t protect anything. What good did it do us?”
“We never could have predicted how our lives would end.”
Chase rubbed his brow. “You’re unsure of me.” The sleeves of his sweater were rolled above his elbows, and while he clasped his hands on the bar, Alex stared and wondered how projections could be so intricate. She saw the scar on his chin from when he tumbled off his bike, the muscular curve of his forearms, and the strength in his hands.
“I’m not,” Alex insisted firmly. “I just don’t understand you.”
“What if,” he sighed, resting his cheek on his hand, “after all my efforts, I haven’t done right by you?”
”How can you say that?”
“You care about him.”
“If that’s what you interpreted from the conversation in my mind, then you read it wrong. Maybe you should ask before you snoop. I’m worried about Jonas, yes, so maybe that’s what you felt. Maybe now I see why Gabe is worried too.”
Chase shook his head, staring down at his drink. “Alex, he’s my brother.”
“And?”
Chase took a si
p. “Tell me honestly. Do you think his feelings for you are real?”
If this was why he’d been avoiding her, he should know better. “Jonas’s priority is himself. You know that. So there might be selfish intentions there. Beating out one of his brothers for something.”
“It’s more than that,” Chase argued. “He’s been acting so strangely.”
There was another reason for that. She wished she could tell Chase what she knew, what she’d promised Gabe she wouldn’t share, but she was bound by her word. “I’m sorry.”
“I wouldn’t put myself through this if it wasn’t worth it.” He reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind Alex’s ear. His fingers lingered there. “I never thought Jonas was capable of real feelings at all. I guess time can change things.”
“Or death.”
“Does that make me a bad person?” He lifted the glass and downed the contents, wincing. “Shouldn’t I want my brother to be happy?”
Alex repeated the words that Gabe had said to her the day she died. “Have you ever known Jonas to be truly happy?”
They were quiet for a few minutes, allowing Stauffer to fill their glasses.
“Have you been happy?” Chase asked. “After all this. Did I just make things more difficult? Do I now?”
Happy. She considered the meaning of the word. “If you’d felt the same or if you hadn’t, if we’d died, and if we hadn’t, I would have been in love with you anyway. Nothing could have changed it.”
She couldn’t believe she’d said it. She’d actually allowed the word ‘love’ to leave her lips, to dance across the space between she and Chase and land on his own lips as he repeated it.
He reached out and held her arm gently.
“What?”
He didn’t answer. Instead he leaned toward her, and she felt a sensation in her stomach like she was about to leap from a twenty-story building. Like she was about to fall. He was going to kiss her. She’d wished for it, prayed for it, dreamed of it for so long that she could barely stand it. The feeling lifted her up, twirled her around, and placed her right back on that stool. It was the most wonderful euphoria, and in that split second, whether it struck her from his mind or hers, fear engulfed her. For the first time, she realized perhaps why he refused to kiss her. They couldn’t go back after they fell. The overwhelming intensity of their friendship would only deepen. And part of her hoped he wouldn't kiss her now. Not yet. Not while things were perfect as is. His lips passed hers and kept going, grazing her ear, leaving her with nothing but her dizziness.
“I love you.” His voice danced against her. “There was never a time when I didn’t love you.”
She knew that. She’d always known.
“Let’s go home.” Chase smiled, holding her face in his hands.
“You just called this place home.”
Chase slid off his stool and slung his arm over her shoulders. “Home is wherever you are, Al.”
Who would have thought the holidays would be better dead? In life, Alex never had the Christmas morning she’d longed for—the breakfast, the stockings, the tree. She’d always woken up early to eat stale Corn Pops at a dirty kitchen table while she watched the parade alone and waited for the Lasalles to invite her next door.
In Eidolon, the celebration of the winter solstice meant carolers, the Ex House version of eggnog, cozy fires, and preparations for another Lazuli Street festival. On the morning of the twenty-first, Alex awoke to the sugary aroma of hot chocolate flavored Ex wafting from the vestibule. Above the balconies, words drifted through the air: Here’s to the solstice, rebirth, and new beginnings. It was a much different holiday welcome than the rancid scent of her father’s whiskey sweat and the sound of his drunken snores.
Outside her door, Alex found a heap of presents. The previous night, she’d made her rounds, hoping she was leaving gifts on the appropriate doorsteps, since of course there were no doors. Something told her the presents would end up in the right place even if she made a mistake. The building would see to it.
From Jack, she received a book entitled How to Use Your New Mind Effectively: A Spirit’s Guide to Success. She wondered if self-help books were as popular in death as they were in life. Skye deemed the book to be “overly anxious,” whatever that meant.
Skye’s present to Alex had been a very poorly wrapped lump. She complained for weeks that she’d never gift-wrapped anything in her life because her colony didn’t believe in it, and she didn’t understand the purpose of doing so now. The box was filled with anise seeds and a note instructing Alex to place half of them under her pillow to keep away nightmares. The rest of the seeds were to be planted because the leaves warded off evil. Alex was starting to think that Skye’s superstitions were out of control.
From Gabe, she received a device to transcribe her notes. Kaleb gave her a rulebook about Invisiball games. He’d scribbled a note that she needed to learn how to play since she wasn’t the “crippled girl on the sidelines” anymore. And from Jonas, she found a small box that housed a blue and black butterfly. She touched the wings gingerly, surprised to find the creature was made of something hard and resilient. It sprung from the box and circled the room three times before perching on the tip of her clock. Its wings slowly fluttered up and down in rhythm to what should have been the ticks of the silent clock. The gift she saved for last was from Chase. He had explained that due to his prior record, he needed quite a bit of help obtaining the gift, which had made her furious with curiosity. She ripped through the paper impatiently, and when she saw what was hidden inside, she realized that she had been missing something with all of her heart.
Though she and Chase had been in hundreds of photographs together, Chase had gone back for their first. Alex had kept the picture in her bedroom in Parrish Park, so there was no telling how Chase could have retrieved it. It was a black-and-white of her mother and Danya, two swollen pregnant ladies standing belly to belly. Danya clutched the arm of someone who was squirming to get away, out of the frame. Alex figured the arm belonged to Jonas, since tiny, devious versions of Gabe and Kaleb were in the background stuffing their fingers into a large cake. On Erin’s face was a coy half smile like she had a secret. Her arms cradled her belly like Alex was her greatest treasure.
Holding the picture, Alex with filled with an oddly comforting sensation. The safety of a mother’s arms.
Things became quiet in the months following the solstice. Alex and Chase continued their tango of indecision, holding back because of fear. Sometimes, though, it seemed that he couldn’t help himself, and he’d reach over and grab her hand, interlacing his fingers with hers and holding it over his heart while they walked.
Jonas was like smoke, less visible with each passing day. Alex was starting to believe that Gabe was right. Because of his preoccupation, Jonas wasn’t so concerned with Alex anymore. She kept her promise to Gabe and continued to keep quiet about Jonas’s recruitment despite the tugging at her conscience.
At first she checked Eviar’s letters for new ink every day, but come spring, there was still nothing. Alex lost interest and the box sulked in the corner of her room, swallowing dust bunnies like a frog catching flies.
For the most part, death was peaceful. Chase called it normal; Alex called it unnerving. The calm before the storm.
On a night when the world felt heavy, Alex spent hours in study hall. Although it had been months since her arrival, she still played catch-up in some areas. She probably would have passed out face down in her books if Chase hadn’t come to find her. He gathered her belongings in his arms, and they exited the Hall.
“I think you overdid it,” Chase mused, eyeing her weary face. “Do you need me to carry you, too?”
Alex pretended to think this over. When he stepped forward and readied himself to scoop her up, she laughed and backed away. “You don’t have to carry my books, Chase.”
“I think I can handle it.” But then, the thick text on the top of the pile slid to the ground. “Whoops.” He bent d
own the retrieve it at the exact same time Alex did, and they collided. Everything in his arms tumbled down.
Alex gave up and collapsed into the mess. “Maybe I’ll just sleep here with my books.”
He stared at her for so long she waved a hand in front of his face. “I love that smile,” he murmured.
She spoke without thinking. “That’s because it’s yours.” He began to shake his head, but she kept going. “I don’t know why you think you’ve done wrong by me.”
“Maybe I kept you from living the way you wanted to.”
“No. When I was with you, I was living exactly the way I wanted to.”
Chase held out his hand and lifted Alex to her feet. He pulled with unnecessary vigor, and she found herself pressed against him nose to nose. A breath caught in her throat as she realized the moment was absolutely perfect. She waited for him to pull away since they were in the middle of the hallway, but before she knew what was happening, he had tilted his head to the side and ever so softly, his lips brushed against hers, asking for permission. She nodded her assent, and he hesitated long enough to grin before giving in.
And then he kissed her.
Finally. Finally. She melted into him, pressing her lips against his, opening her mouth to swallow the happiness which inevitably consumed her. Their lips, their heads, their hands moved in faultless rhythm like a choreographed dance. She could feel his fingers combing through her hair, and she looped her arms underneath his, clutching his shoulders. How could they have been afraid of this?
The space around them began to crack and sizzle. Chase lifted his head for a moment, but Alex yanked at his shirt to pull him back in. Nothing had ever felt so right to her in her entire life. It was like nothing around them existed anymore. It was just Chase and Alex together, as it should be, and the world could wait.
The moment was interrupted by a loud thud from above them. Alex’s eyes flickered upward. “Wha—” Chase shushed her and cradled her face in his hands, allowing their lips to tangle again until a series of thumps thundered over their heads. They broke apart.
“Wait here,” Chase said. He softly kissed her nose and made his way up the staircase. He stopped halfway to look around.
Of Breakable Things Page 24