Love In Rewind

by Tali Alexander

  A lone tear escaped and rolled down the cheek he just kissed. Will wiped my tear and continued, "It's not the right time now, but we need to talk. I have something important I need to tell you. I haven't been completely honest with you. You and I need to have words. Once all this works out promise you'll ring me. I'm staying in New York until I hear from you. I'm not leaving until we talk. Good luck, luv."

  Will got up and left. I said a silent farewell to him. As much as I grew to like him as a friend I didn't think I'd ever see him again.

  I'd forgotten about my sister, who was watching this whole exchange of ours play out. I looked over to her and had a silent telepathic exchange. I shook my head No to the question her eyes were asking me. She gave a loud sigh of relief. I knew she was proud of me for not cheating on Louis. I would never cheat on him, even if I believed he was cheating on me. He's the only man I've ever loved. He was my first everything. I needed to be there with him, holding his hand and helping him find his way back home to us.

  An hour later I was sitting in the back of my chauffeured SUV with my sister holding my hand. Mount Sinai was only twenty-five blocks up from our townhouse. I was shaking from the cold chill running up and down my spine. I don't remember being this scared since driving to the hospital to give birth to Rose. But I was also excited back then. Now I was just petrified. If I closed my eyes I could feel Louis' hands on my belly that early June morning eight years ago.

  Em baby, breath. Everything will be okay. By the end of today we'll have a little baby girl. You and me will be parents, Em. You're very brave. I love you so much.

  I remember him by my side every minute on that long scary day. I was yelling through my contractions waiting for my epidural to kick in. Louis held my hands, rubbing my back, and whispering in my ear how he would take away all my pain if he could. I loved him so much. I would trade places with him right now in a heartbeat. I wouldn't be able to walk this earth knowing he wasn't with me. If Louis died, I would die, too.

  We got to the hospital at a quarter to eleven. Visiting hours were long over. However, Louis Bruel wasn't just another patient at Mount Sinai. Besides being a benefactor of the hospital and a New York icon, he was also Dr. Adele Marcus' son-in-law. My mom, as the head of dermatology at Mount Sinai, could pull strings. We took the elevator to the sixth floor and the ICU unit. Jenna knew where Louis' private room was. I followed her like a ghost; not really alive, more like existing in an in-between state. We walked toward his room. Passing other rooms in the hallway I could hear the beeping sound of the heart monitors. I saw Mike standing up ahead. He was leaning his head back against the wall. He saw us coming and almost leaped over our way. Before he even spoke to his wife, he pulled me into a hug. He was wiping tears away. I have never seen my handsome brother-in-law cry. Please, God, let Louis be okay.

  "Emily, I'm so sorry," he cried out, half sobbing.

  "No … No … No … don't be sorry, Mike. Please tell me he's alive."

  Mike pulled away to look at me.

  "Louis is still unconscious. The doctors are saying he needs time. His heart is better. I shouldn't have let him deal with all his shit on his own. I'm his best friend. I knew he was hurting. I should've given him better advice. He didn't want you to worry."

  I nodded, still replaying my silent litany in my head. Please God, let him survive this. Please God, let him live. Jenna came to hug both of us. We all walked hand in hand to see my love. I took a few steps toward Louis' room. I hadn't noticed the people sitting against the wall. I looked around and realized the corridor was lined with benches and people occupying almost every available seat. They weren't just random people. They were our friends and many of Louis' close business associates. The rooms on this wing of the hospital were all empty.

  I first saw Louis' mom. "Elizabeth," I said almost inaudibly as I ran into her arms. Fresh tears started falling again.

  "Emily, you're here. Don't cry, honey. Louis woke up yesterday. The doctors are with him now; his prognosis is good. I'm sure he'll wake up for you soon."

  I looked into her eyes. I wasn't sure if my head was playing tricks on me, or if she actually said that. She nodded at my shocked expression.

  "He'll come back to us, sweetie. I was begging Eric not to take him. We need him more than he does. He needs to be here for you and raise his beautiful children."

  Hearing her say that Louis was conscious yesterday was the best news I could've received. It was almost midnight on July twentieth. It was our birthdays tomorrow. I just wanted to hold my husband close. Everything else was secondary—his business, his friends, and our misunderstandings. The only thing that mattered was that he was alive.

  "I want to go see him. I miss him so much, Elizabeth. I'm sorry I wasn't here for him. I've been stupid and childish." I managed to say between my loud sobs and hiccups.

  Elizabeth looked at me and kissed my wet cheeks. "I wrote the book on stupid and childish. If I could turn back time, I would've let the love of my life have the family he always wanted. You're here now. I'm sure you're the only person he wants to see. Go to him."

  I left her side and started walking toward his room. Eddie ran over to me before I made it very far. He pulled me into his chest.

  "Emma, we have been worried about you. My sister has been visiting every hospital in New York City looking for her best friend. She thought you had an accident. She didn't believe that you just got up and left without telling someone where you were. I'm happy to see you're okay … Look at me Emma. Louis. Will. Be. Fine. Now that you're here everything will go back to normal."

  "Eddie, I'm sorry. Call Sara. Tell her I love her and I'll explain everything when I can. I know she's going through a lot of shit without me making her life even crazier."

  My former best friend was going through a messy divorce. Her marriage lasted for less than two years, and truthfully, I hadn't even thought it would last that long. Gavin had declared he was moving back home to London with or without her. Eddie told me that Sara refused to go live with him in London and she decided that if London was more important to him than her then they really didn't have much of a marriage to begin with. I had to agree. I was never a big fan of Gavin's from the get-go. He'd always seemed too in love with himself to truly love anybody else.

  I let go of Eddie and made my way to Louis. Three men were standing ahead, blocking my way. When they saw me inch closer they all walked towards me. I recognized Phillip instantly and then Max. I'd never seen or met Andrew in person, but standing next to Phillip and Max I knew it was him. Phillip walked over to me first … God, I hate him.

  "Hi Emily, I don't know if you remember me but I'm a friend of Louis."

  Friend. Yeah right, with friends like Phillip you don't need any enemies, I thought to myself.

  "Yes Phillip, I remember you very well, unfortunately." He looked downright ashamed and saddened by my comment. But he deserved it and he knew it.

  "What I said to you back then in my club was disgusting. I didn't want to lose my best friend to a woman. When I saw you and him walk in that night, I was furious. I knew I'd lost him the second I saw you. I was a prick … forgive me. I love Louis like a brother. I don't want to lose him again. I just want him to walk out of here and for me to get a second chance to be his friend. I'm not that same guy I was before. I grew up. Emily, I know how much he loves you. I should've been a good friend to him then. I was supposed to be happy for him. I was jealous and scared." With tears in his eyes, he extended a hand for me to shake.

  He actually looked sincere. I accepted and put my shaking hand in his. I just wanted him out of the way so I could go see Louis. He pulled me into a hug, which made me cry even more.

  "Don't cry, Emily, he'll be okay. He's the strongest man I know."

  I moved away from his friends to finally go see my husband.

  Chapter 45

  Louis, come back to me...

  Taking those last few steps were the scariest moments of my life. Louis
Bruel, the most alive man I've ever known, was lying helpless beyond those closed doors. He had been fighting for his life without me by his side. He almost died thinking I left him because I thought he cheated on me. Would he ever forgive me for not trusting him? How could I think he could've done that to me? He would never do that to our kids. Louis knew exactly how hard it was not to have both parents under one roof. I took a deep breath and braced myself for the man on the other side.

  My heart was beating in my throat. My right hand shook as I held the door handle. I almost didn't have enough strength to push the door open. I summoned all my power and nerve and forced the door open. The room was huge and all I could see were lots of white coats around a lone bed in the middle of the room. A nurse saw me come in and walked over to me crossly.

  "You can't be here, miss. You can wait outside with the others. One of the doctors will let you know his progress."

  I was trying to catch a glimpse of Louis but there were too many people around him.

  "Miss, was I not clear? If I get security they will escort you out of the building, not just out of this room."

  One of the doctors looked away from Louis and over at us.

  "Nancy, it's okay. That's Adele's younger daughter. Can't you tell by her eyes?" the young doctor said to the livid nurse. "She's Mr. Bruel's spouse."

  The nurse gave me a questioning look and walked back to where the other attendings were congregating. The doctor who'd recognized me moved over to give me a better view of his patient. I saw him lying on a propped hospital bed. My heart squeezed tight in my chest. My lungs refused to take in any air. He looked small and weak. All six foot three inches and two hundred pounds of lean muscle lay motionless. Eyes closed. He had several tubes coming out of him. Screens everywhere. I wasn't even sure he was breathing on his own.

  I wanted to run to him, climb on top of him and shake him and kiss him until he woke up. I needed to see that dimple. I wanted him to know how stupid I'd been. He needed to know I loved him. My legs, however, had a mind of their own. In my head I was running but in reality I was frozen; paralyzed by fear.

  "Mrs. Bruel, I'm Dr. Monroe. I was here when your husband was brought into the ER. He was real lucky he wasn't alone when he had his heart attack. He would've died if it wasn't for his brother."

  I looked up at this young doctor with a blank look. Louis would've died if he hadn't been with Mike. If I'd been with him would I have been able to save him, too? What if he had been home alone? Who would have saved him then?

  "Louis suffered a myocardial infarction. Your husband had a blockage in his coronary artery that deprived his heart muscle of blood and oxygen. This caused injury to the heart muscle. As soon as he collapsed, his brother started CPR on him and had someone call an ambulance. Your husband got to the hospital very quickly, which was fortunate for everybody. As soon as he arrived we did an emergency angioplasty."

  I looked at the doctor like he was speaking Chinese. I wished my parents were here; at least they'd understand. He continued trying to explain to me what happened to my husband while I had been breaking down on a beach halfway across the world.

  "I should explain to you what an angioplasty is. A small stent was placed inside his coronary artery, to expand the artery. This helped to prevent the artery from closing up again. The good news is Louis didn't need to have heart bypass surgery, or what's known as open-heart surgery. Do you have any questions for me?"

  "Will he wake up? Will he be okay?"

  "Louis is stable and has woken up a few times. I'm very confident that he will make a full recovery. You just have to give him some time. He will need to be on proper medications: beta-blockers, anticoagulants and be regularly monitored. He just needs time to recover, but I'm sure he'll live a long happy life."

  From his mouth to God's ears was all I could hope for. I wanted nothing more than to have my other half back. I thanked the young doctor and started my journey toward the man I love.

  It took a good ten minutes before I willed my limbs to take command. I walked slowly towards the love of my life. Every step felt like walking against a current. I hadn't seen Louis with a three-day-old beard since our honeymoon at Turks and Caicos ten years ago. Back then it was sexy and a declaration of our carnal need and love for one another. Louis had refused to shave until he accidentally chafed my inner thighs during one of his steamy sexual onslaughts. I didn't complain. But seeing that stubble on his beautiful face now was tauntingly painful. It was a sign of his powerlessness.

  I reached his bed. The sea of doctors parted for me. One of the white coats was talking to me from somewhere in the room. I couldn't hear a single word he said. I was gone. I could not be part of this world without this man sharing the same air as me. I don't remember taking his hand in mine. But when I looked at our joined hands at that moment, I knew he would always be my whole life. If he chose to leave me either by adultery or death, I would never be whole again.

  My useless legs refused to hold me. I sank to my knees beside him, still holding on to his limp hand. I was sobbing for myself and for my children who needed this amazing man to wake up and continue being their father. I silently prayed to my grandparents up in heaven for help. Louis was wearing my grappa's wedding band. Maybe he could bring Louis back to me. I would never leave him again. I would move heaven and earth to keep my family together.

  The doctors must've left. I opened my eyes sometime later to find the room quiet and empty. All I could hear was the sound of my ragged, erratic breathing. I stood up, never letting go of Louis' hand. I brought my other hand to touch his beautiful face. I kissed his closed eyelids. I took the first full breath since I got home. I inhaled his scent into me. This was home. Louis would always be my home.

  I removed my flats and climbed in next to him, arranging myself to mold to his still body. I needed to be close to him, I needed to hear his heartbeat. I was still holding on to his left hand. I was careful not to move or touch any tubes. I noticed he didn't have on the necklace I'd given him for his thirtieth birthday. He hadn't removed it in the last ten years. They must've taken it off him when he had the heart attack. I kissed his bare neck, my tears running down and soaking his hospital gown. I whispered to him, "You are part of my existence, part of myself. You have been in every line I have ever read since I first came here." My breathing had calmed, but my tears wouldn't stop. I continued quoting to the love of my life from his favorite book. "You know I love you, you know that I have loved you long and dearly."

  I imagined us dancing at our kids' weddings. I imagined us growing old together. This couldn't be the end of our story. I brought his familiar hand to my mouth and kissed every inch of it. I put my face in his hand and said one of his favorite lines from the book, "To the last hour of my life, you can not choose but remain part of my character."

  I refused to sleep all night, afraid of missing him waking up. I sang to him every love song that I could think of. The last thing I remember right before I lost the battle with my tired eyes, was singing to Louis the song that always plays in my head whenever I think of us: The Rose by Bette Midler.

  Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed

  Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed

  Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need

  I say love, it is a flower, and you its only seed.

  "Louis, please wake up…"

  It's the heart, afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance

  It's the dream, afraid of waking, that never takes a chance

  It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give

  And the soul, afraid of dyin', that never learns to live.

  "Please baby, come back to me…"

  When the night has been too lonely, and the road has been too long

  And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong

  Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows

  Lie
s the seed, that with the sun's love, in the spring becomes The Rose.

  "Please, you promised you'd never leave me."

  Chapter 46

  Don't leave me this way…

  Miss! Excuse me, miss!"

  I started to slightly open my eyes, trying to figure out my surroundings. So much had happened in the last twenty-four hours that I couldn't even figure out where I was. I looked toward the voice still calling at me. Oh no. It was that same nurse from the night before; Nancy, I think her name was, the one that was trying to kick me out of Louis' room last night. Why was she always annoyed with me?

  "Miss, why are you still here? You should've vacated this room hours ago. The staff needs to sanitize and clean everything before they bring in the next patient."

  "Okay, sure," I answered her, still groggy and disoriented as I started lifting my head off the pillow. Next patient? Did she just say next patient? Where is Louis? I looked down at the bed under me to see nothing but white rumpled hospital sheets. Where did Louis go? Cold sweat started covering my body and dread and fear were choking at my heart. Surely everything was fine. They must've taken him for some tests.

  "Where is my husband? I fell asleep next to him last night. Where did they take him?" I managed to blurt out in a shaky almost inaudible voice.

  "Let me get one of the doctors. I was sure you knew what happened last night," she said as she stormed out of the room.

  I looked at the door nurse Nancy had just slammed shut. I then looked all around and felt like I was having an out of body experience. My head was heavy and I couldn't make the room stop moving. Why couldn't I remember them taking Louis from under me during the night? The last thing I recalled was crying and singing to him, begging him to wake up. I got off the squeaky bed and walked outside the room to find someone who could give me some much needed answers. The corridor that only hours ago was full of our friends and family was now completely empty; no Jenna, no Mike, no Eddie … nobody! What happened while I was sleeping? I started walking towards the nurses' station. It was disconcertingly quiet. The only sound was coming from my shoes clunking on the floor and sending an echo down the hallway. Suddenly, as though out of thin air, I saw one of Louis' doctors coming at me.