by Dalia Wright
She rushed over to the bag she had brought with her and pulled out the banner she had been working on for a couple months now. Her mother had known, but that was it. Of course her mother had had to help her get a hold of the fabric. She had been so thrilled when Anna told her about the plan.
Anna rushed to the front of the church where the old banner was. It had been there since Anna could remember, and she was now 19 years old. They were long overdue for a new one, but her father never seemed to mention it. He worked so hard he probably didn’t even realize that it was old. He was probably too focused on more important things. I hope he notices that it has been changed.
Anna pulled a chair, scraping it against the floor as she made her way over to the old banner and stood, reaching for it.
Disappointment overwhelmed her. She wasn’t going to be able to reach the banner easily and she was on a time limit here. What was she going to do if her father caught her while she was replacing the banner? It just wasn’t the same. I need to get it done before he gets back.
“Do you need help?”
His voice made her heart skip a beat. Anna turned so quickly to face him that she almost fell off the chair. He stood there, watching her closely. His eyes took in everything in front of him, his arms crossed over his chest.
“Nee,” Anna said before remembering he was English, “I mean-”
“I get it.” His eyes sparkled. He crossed over to her, still taking everything in. “But it doesn’t look like you can reach that banner up there.” He held his hand out for her.
Anna looked at it, tentatively. She wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to reach it on her tippy toes, but she did know it would be easier to have him do it for her.
“Come on, let me put it up for you.” He raised his hand,
Anna took his hand and let him help her down to the floor. Her heart skipped a beat as she felt his warm hand. He didn’t seem to pay any attention to it, stepping past her and climbing onto the chair she had just been on.
“So he’s your dad, right? Er, I mean deatt.”
Anna nodded. “He is.” She watched as he easily reached for the banner and unhooked it. He held his hand out for the other one and she passed it to him, their skin touching again. Anna’s heart skipped a beat. She wasn’t used to touching boys. It was silly, but she had never had. She didn’t have brothers.
She watched as Brad hung the drape and stepped off the chair. “I think he will like it. Did you make it?”
“Jah. I did.”
“It’s very nice.” He turned to her, his eyes sparkling. Anna’s heart skipped a beat. “You’re very talented.”
Anna felt her cheeks burn. She wasn’t used to being complimented. She often didn’t have much attention paid to her, since her sister was a few years younger, and still cute.
All in all, she had a small family. It was just the four of them. When Anna glanced up she found him still staring at her. What am I supposed to say?
“Ach, um, danka. I mean, thank you.” She added the last part quickly.
Brad laughed softly. “You know, I know what you mean. You don’t have to worry about confusing me. I have been hanging around here for a couple months now.”
That was true.
“What are you doing for my deatt?” Anna asked. Her father hadn’t really told her. He had just told her to have faith. But she still didn’t understand why he had hired someone outside the community.
“I’ve been doing some work in the basement. It was getting pretty bad, but I should be able to repair most of it.” His eyes sparkled.
“Ach.”
No wonder he wanted to make sure the job was done right. The church was one of the most important things to him.
“Tell me something,” he said turning away from her. “Out of all the time I’ve been here… I’ve never seen you with anyone. Like a boy.”
Was he asking her if she was courting?
“I… don’t have anyone to be seen with.” She shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal, but was it really true? She knew that one of the boys wanted to attend church with her.
“Shame. You’re a very interesting woman.”
His words shocked Anna. “Excuse me?” Who was he to assume things about her? Wait, why was she mad? He had just complimented her. But… her mind raced to figure everything out.
“I just mean, your family is obviously very important to you, I always see you here with your dad, and if you made him this… you’re hanging it while he’s away so you probably intended to surprise him, right? It’s just a shame that someone wouldn’t want to… er, court you? Is that the right word? I just mean… you’re obviously a really awesome person.”
“I… no one has ever called me ‘awesome’ before.” Anna stammered. She stared at the man in front of her, her heart racing.
Brad stepped towards her, his eyes sparkling. “I think you’re awesome, Anna.”
He reached out, his fingers brushing her cheek softly. Anna’s heart skipped a beat. Warmth rushed through her body. They got closer, and it wasn’t until they stood a fraction away from each other that she realized she had been the one to move.
He reached out, his fingers tangling into my hair. “So tell me something, have you ever been kissed?”
Anna’s heart did a back flip. She shook her head, not trusting her words. His eyes locked on hers.
“Would you like to be?”
She nodded.
She couldn’t believe she had moved. She couldn’t believe that she had nodded! Ach. What is wrong with me?!
His fingers tangled into her hair softly, pulling her towards him. His lips touched hers softly.
Anna’s heart did another back flip. His warm lips against hers. Anna couldn’t believe this was happening.
He pulled away from her, his eyes sparkling, but Anna reached out, pulling him back into a kiss. Her arms wrapped around his neck softly, pulling him closer to her. Her heart raced.
She knew this was wrong. She knew she should pull away. She knew that she would be in trouble if anyone ever found out. Her father could lose his reputation because of her, but she didn’t stop.
Brad pulled her close, his arms wrapping around her hips softly, but never moving too low. Anna’s heart skipped a beat as he pulled away from her.
“It may be your first time, but I’d say you’re damn good at it. There are just something people are naturally good at.” His eyes sparkled. He looked around the room.
She didn’t need him to say it out loud to know what he was thinking. “My deatt will be back soon.” She said it so he wouldn’t have to.
“I’m sorry, I don’t want you to think that I just kiss you and leave.”
“Nee, I understand.”
He didn’t move, though. Even though they both agreed that it would be for the best. He stared at her. “I want to see you again, tonight.”
Two Months Later
Anna couldn’t believe it. She knew she had been stupid to think that it was a good idea. She knew that her and Brad were a bad thing. I should have said no. She knew that; she’d known that all along.
Of course she wasn’t sure until last night. Until Brad brought her a test. When she woke up this morning she was hoping it had all been a bad dream, but it was pretty clear that wasn’t going to be the case. Anna had slipped out of bed and dressed quickly. It’s not like her stomach was showing yet, but was still scared that somehow someone would notice. I’ll start sewing a dress that is a little big, she thought. She knew they would have to decide what to do soon, but she had no clue what she was supposed to do. She didn’t want to leave the community. She didn’t want to shame her family. If they find out I’ll be shunned, she thought. She knew it was true.
She had sinned. She had committed one of the greatest sins and she would have to pay the price for that now. Her hand touched her stomach. Tears pressed against the corner of her eye. She sucked in a deep breath, willing herself not to cry. I have no choices, she thought.
Actu
ally, she did have choices – but they were all bad ones. Ones that would leave her family filled with shame or sorrow. She knew that she could not get rid of the baby, like some girls in her community had when they had been in the English world during their Rumspringa. Anna knew that, no matter what, that was not an option.
Brad had wanted to keep the child. He told her that they would make things work, but if her family found out about her sins, would they ever be able to accept her?
Would she ever be able to see them again? They likely wouldn’t want anything to do with me. She thought. She knew it wasn’t true, deep down, but the thought haunted her. Her family meant the world to her and she wasn’t sure she would be able to lose them. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to continue if she lost them.
Brad was thrilled, and that scared Anna. He talked about them leaving in the middle of the night. About them having a family together. What other choice do I have? I’ve already ruined any chance I have at staying here.
Though, maybe that wasn’t true. Maybe, just maybe, she could convince Mathew to court quickly and they could marry before anyone realized that she was expecting. She could lie, she could say that Mathew was the father. She knew it was wrong, but she didn’t care. If it meant she could be with her family, she would risk doing what she knew wasn’t right.
It will take a lot of work. She thought. She knew it would take careful planning. Mathew had asked her to join him after church several times, and she’d always come up with a reason not to. She would have to accept his invitation without making him question her.
She felt her heart drop into the pit of her stomach. She didn’t want to betray Brad like this. What other choice do I have? She wondered as she finally made her way out into the kitchen. The breakfast had already been eaten but the family still sat in the kitchen. Anna’s stomach grumbled but she wasn’t sure she could stand to be around her family right now. “I’m going to get a head start on the choose,” she told them as she headed for the door.
“You won’t be eating?”
“Not yet, nee.” She slipped out of the house before nay more questions could arise. She dropped to her knees in front of the garden.
The cool dirt in her hands as she reached for the weeds calmed her. She would miss this if she were to give up her life here. She would miss all of it. The English world had never appealed to her. Even when she was younger, she knew that she never had any interest in exploring the customs. She had chanced a few sweets her father brought home when he went to the English stores. He always made sure to bring them home something, and it tasted good, but Anna didn’t want to leave this. She looked around. She wasn’t the only one out working in the garden. She had grown up with most of the people she saw. Very few people actually married into the community or relocated. What am I going to do? she asked herself.
She had been baptized already. She had taken her vows. She had promised herself and Gott that she would stay here- that this life was for her. But that baby… what will everyone say? Would people figure out it wasn’t Mathews?
What if Mathew insisted on waiting longer? Would she just find someone else?
And what of Brad? Her heart ached as she thought about him. They agreed last night to meet again, like they had been most nights. But now, she avoided him at the church if she could. She didn’t want to hurt him. The truth was, she loved him. She had come to realize that a month ago, though she hadn’t told him. He most likely had no feelings for her like that. To him, she was probably just someone in a long line of past and future girls. That’s what English boys were like, that’s what her mother had told her. Anna took a deep breath. Gott, I know I have sinned. I know I have no right to seek you for help but I am confused. I… he said we were doing everything we could to avoid this. How could this have happened? Are you punishing me?
That was the only thing Anna could figure. She was being punished for her sins. For what she had done wrong, and now she would have to give up her life. She didn’t deserve to be here with those who truly followed Gods will.
Chapter Two
I couldn’t believe that I was going to be a father. I couldn’t get past the thrill. Already I was hoping it would be a boy, honestly. I wanted to teach him how to work on cars like my father had, and I wanted to make sure I raised him up right. Respectful and kind. Like my own father had. It’s not that I didn’t want a girl. I just didn’t want to have to deal with her dating or anything.
It was silly, I know. I didn’t even know what Anna planned to do. I wanted her to come to the English world. I wanted her to come live with me, to meet my grandma and my dad. I knew it would be hard for her, though. I knew that it would be a scary choice for her to make. I just need to be there to support her. I told myself. And I fully planned to be! I just had to be careful.
We’d both agreed it was best to avoid each other while I was working at her fathers church. There was no need to draw attention to what we were doing. I knew that if we got caught she would be in a lot of trouble and I would never forgive myself if it was my fault she got in trouble. She could be shunned.
I parked the truck in the church’s parking lot. When I started working here a few of the community members had been unkind, and even refused to come into the church with me there, but over the time they had grown used to me. Now they even told me I should start parking in the parking lot, as long as it wasn’t already full.
My stomach turned. I knew that there was a chance they would all hate me for what I’d done to Anna. But that was a risk I was willing to take. It’s just a matter of if she is. She was the one who was going to lose the most. I sucked in a deep breath.
I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about that little test since she had taken it. I had, of course, taken it with me so I could throw it out. There was no way anyone could find out about the fact that she’d taken that test. Although everyone would find out eventually, or she’d leave. I bit my lip, nervousness filling my stomach, twisting at my gut, making me want to puke. What would I do if she decided she wanted nothing to do with me? What if she decided that she wanted to be done with me and that was that? I couldn’t put up a fight without her family realizing what we’d done, and no matter how hurt I was, I wouldn’t do that to her. I loved her.
Anna bit her lip as she stepped into the church. Brad was there and there was nothing she could do about it. Mathew was also there, his eyes locked on her. Anna choose to pay attention to Mathew, despite the fact she wanted to make eye contact with Brad and let him know that she was feeling alright. Let me know that she cared about him.
“It’s been a while,” Matt said, coming to stand beside her.
“It has. I’ve been busy recently.”
“Making something else for your deatt?” He raised an eyebrow, a soft grin spreading over his lips. Anna blushed.
Everyone had figured out it was her banner that now hung. She had received so many compliments about it that she had no clue how to react. She had never gotten that many compliments in her whole life.
“Er,” she muttered, as she tried to think of something to say.
“Don’t worry, you don’t have to tell me. I’ll just wait to see what’s been keeping you so busy.”
Her heart skipped a beat. Oh everyone would be seeing soon. She was only going to be able to hide her body for so long. She was going to start showing and she knew that. Which means I need to decide what to do. She knew the time was running out fast and the sooner she decided, for sure, the better.
Right now, she wanted Brad. She knew Mathew could keep her safe, though. He could keep her around her family without anyone raising an eyebrow.
Eventually, Brad was going to be done with the church, and if he kept hanging around, people were going to start to ask questions. People were already beginning to wonder what was taking him so long. Maybe that was actually due to work, maybe it was because of Anna- either way, she wasn’t strong enough to ask.
“But you’ll have some free time coming up, right? I mean, if
you did, I’d like to spend some time with you.”
“I was thinking the same thing.” It wasn’t a lie. Anna had been thinking that they should spend time together, she’d just also been thinking about another man. Gott, what is wrong with me? She wondered, knowing he wouldn’t answer her.
Chances are had already decided she was beyond saving. She would have to go her entire life without being able to make up for her sins. She knew that, and despite the fact she hated herself for it, she had promised herself she was going to make the most of it. She was going to be a good mother, no matter what world she raised her child in.
Already she was thinking about names. She’d start sewing a blanket soon, maybe she would just pretend it was going to be a gift. A lot of girls were getting married soon. They would be having children soon as well. Anna could easily pretend that was her reason for getting started on baby stuff.
Snap back to it. She thought, mentally snapping herself back to reality. Mathew still stood in front of her.
He smiled widely. “Are you free this afternoon?”
“I’m free right now.”
What better time than the present, right? Anna knew that she had to get all her ducks in a row. And fast, otherwise things might now go according to plan, right? She might have to leave in the middle of the night without a word to any of her family. I can’t do that to them, she thought.
Mathew held his arm out to her and she took it. They padded over to the church doors before she worked up the courage to turn around. Normally, they didn’t look at each other if anyone else was around, but she couldn’t help it. She stared at the man she loved.
His eyes locked on hers, sadness filling them. His mouth turned down at the corners but he didn’t say a word. He just turned away, his back to her.