by Dalia Wright
She was dressed quickly but she couldn’t stop thinking of him. Her body flushed just thinking about him. “Despite what everyone says, he’s very caring. He’s a kind lover…” That is what the girl had said.
No one has ever made love to me before. She thought. She hated that part of her and felt jealous towards the maid. Sure, the maid was probably far happier than she would ever be. That’s not true. I’ll be happy when Lilly and I are together. She reminded herself as she stepped into the dining room. Dinner had not been served, but the two girls she had run into before were sitting there with their father.
The man had greying hair, and a belly that was bigger than an expectant woman. Helen sucked in a deep breath, making the effort not to wrinkle her nose as he stood, and she was utterly aware of the way he stared at her.
“My beautiful wife-to-be.” He held his arms open to her. Helen took a deep breath, closing the distance between them.
She ignored the nausea that she felt as he pulled her into his arms, squeezing her tightly. He smelt. She forced herself to ignore it.
Smack.
A slobbery kiss touched her cheeks before he pulled away.
“Girls, this is your new step-mother.” The two girls stared at her with burning eyes, but smiled and were polite enough to say hello. They were much more polite with their father around. “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Helen could feel her cheeks burning again, “I looked forward to getting to know you more.”
Although she said it, she wasn’t sure anyone in the room actually believed her. Not that she blamed these girls. She was young enough to be their friends, if not a baby sitter, or an older sister’s friend. She was not old enough to be their step mother and she knew they had every right to hold it against her.
“Well, I was hoping Owen would be down so we could make formal introductions, but I believe one of the ladies saw him heading out. We won’t wait on our meal for him to come around.” She could hear how upset the man sounded, though she wondered if it had to do with the fact that Owen wasn’t around or whether it was a reflection of him as a father.
Either way, it wasn’t her place to judge. She smiled softly. “I have to admit, the trip was a long one, and a meal would do me good.” Helen allowed her future family to take the lead and followed as they made their way into the dining room and sat down. A couple of maids entered the room, carrying trays of water, and something a little stronger by the looks of it.
Despite the fact that everyone else took something other than water, Helen took only a glass of water and thanked the girl who had given it to her. “Dinner,” a soft male voice said from Helen’s left. She turned to see an elderly man standing there, two maids behind him with trays full of food. Helen’s jaw almost dropped, despite the fact she had spent years learning to control her emotions. It had been a long time since she had been at a dinner table this beautiful and one this full.
Helen watched as the food was served, her heart racing. Is this what it would be like every night? Or was this just a one night thing? Helen sucked in a deep breath, in hailing the scents of garlic, apples, rosemary, and so many more.
Her stomach grumbled softly as she watched the food get passed around the table. She waited for the potatoes to reach her as she gave thanks for all the food that she had been blessed with. “Are you starting dinner without me?”
Helen’s heart skipped a beat the second she heard his voice. She thought about what the maids had said about him. Her heart beat picked up a couple paces as she watched him waltz into the room and sit down at the empty chair. He looked around the table, his eyes resting on Helen for a fraction of a second, roaming over her body. A warm shiver ran down her spine. He licked his lips, reminding her of what the maids had been saying about him. I wonder just what he was doing with that tongue. She knew the second she thought it that it had been wrong of her. She felt her cheeks turn a deeper shade of pink. Before letting herself think anything else she dug into her meal.
“If you weren’t late we wouldn’t start dinner without you. Anyway, we heard you weren’t going to be joining us, so we just decided not to worry about you and enjoy ourselves.” His father, my husband-to-be, did not sound pleased.
“I was just out-”
“It doesn’t matter. You were told to be here on time and you were not here on time. What do you think that says about the way you were raised, eh? What do you think that says about the kind of man you are? What do...”
“Does it even matter if I care?” Owen took a sip of wine that one of the maids brought to him. Helen looked up just in time to see his hands caress her. She giggled and rushed away.
“Owen!” his father barked. “What is wrong with you?”
Helen felt her cheeks flush. The two young girls ate, looking down at that the plates in front of them, trying to finish as fast as they could while still eating politely. “What’s wrong with me?” Owen snorted. “That’s a funny question coming from you, father.”
“You’re a grown man; your childlike behaviour is getting old. If you don’t shape up soon-”
Owen pushed himself to his feet, a glass of wine knocking over as he did so. “You’ll what? Have to send me away? You’ve already done that. Look where it got you. Look how I came back. You want to do that again? Mom wouldn’t let you.”
“Your mother is-”
“Not around anymore. I know. You like to remind us of that, don’t you? You like to remind us just how much power you have, but that doesn’t work on me. I won’t let it,” Owen smirked, stepping back and knocking the chair over in the process.
Neither one of them said a word as Owen left the room.
A maid came rushing in with a cloth in hand. Helen recognised her as the one that Owen had been grabbing at. She worked quickly and silently to clean up the mess and take his plate away.
“Ahem.” One of the girls stood, her sister following suit. “We’d very much like to be excused, please. There are a couple things left for us to take care of.”
Helen watched as their father’s face softened, looking at them. “Of course. Your mother would be so proud of the two of you. If only I could say the same for your brother,” he sighed softly as the two young girls left the room. Helen was utterly aware that they were now alone.
The man turned his attention to her, a smile spreading across his lips. “Well, my wife to be, do you not think it is due time we get to know each other?” She could hear the suggestion in his voice, and the truth is she hated it. Her mind raced for something to say, but thankfully he didn’t wait for her to speak. He cleared his throat. “I’m going to enjoy a little drink in the study. You should retire for the night. I am sure to make time and stop in to pay you my… respects before bed.”
His eyes lingered on her body. Not her face or even her eyes. No, they lingered on the curves of her body. Helen stood, unwilling to speak, or express her disgust.
Chapter Two
She lay there, her mind racing. She felt disgusting, she felt dirty like dirt. She felt hatred for herself. She lay there still naked; it was hard for her to believe that this is what her life.
She rolled out of her bed and slipped into her night gown. Her mind raced. It will be best when you’re with Lilly. She reminded herself. That’s what this was all about. Her daughter was worth it.
She wrapped a simple robe around her and headed towards the door.
She stepped out of the room and headed down the dark hallway. The house was so large during the day when people were out and about, but at night with no one around it almost seemed unreal. She sighed as she headed towards the garden. Growing up she had always loved the garden. Until that day. Until she lost her life.
Helen mentally shook herself.
There was no point in dwelling in the past. There was no point in focusing on everything that she had been through. There was always a blessing in every curse. The cold air touched her neck as it whipped around her. It made her feel alive. It made her want to keep living. It made her love lif
e.
“Ohhh, yes.”
It was just a soft murmur but it made her heart skip a beat. She knew she’d heard the voice before. Without thinking she turned her head towards the voice.
Her heart dropped the second she saw it. Three bodies combined on the ground. Helen’s cheeks flushed deep. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing.
“Owen, on yes. Yes.”
Another girl, her voice soft as she moaned.
She stared at them, unable to look away. She knew she shouldn’t be watching and she knew she shouldn’t take pleasure in it, but her body warmed, quickly, she knew what she was watching was wrong. Owen was going to be her step-son and she needed to get herself in check. Her life depended on it. Desire pooled in the pit of her stomach. This is wrong. So wrong.
“Ohh, yes,” the girl moaned, louder.
She sounded like she was in so much joy. Like she actually enjoyed himself. Helen’s heart raced faster and faster. Her hand traced down her body, towards her hips. She had never felt this sort of sensation. Was this what it was like to actually feel arousal? She had never, in all of her life, felt arousal.
This made her understand why women wanted to be with Owen. It made her jealous of the women who had been with him. She was jealous of women who had been with a man who wanted to please them. Her fingers traced over herself softly. Pleasure like she had never felt.
Pleasure that she wanted to feel so much more. Her heart did a double back flip as she heard the noise that came from Owen. She had heard noises before, she had just heard one from her husband to be, but this wasn’t the same. This she wanted to hear again. A mix between a moan and a gasp. She wanted to hear it again.
She forced herself to look away from the three bodies on the ground as they shared in each other’s pleaser. Something she would never be able to do. She would never be able to share in someone’s pleasure. Helen forced herself to turn around. To walk away.
Her heart ached, thinking about what she had just seen. Her heart actually ached.
Over a man.
No, not a man.
She was jealous of the girls. It wasn’t that she wanted Owen; it was that she wanted a man who gave her pleasure. Who cared about her pleasure?
The wind whipped around her as she sighed. Stress filled her body; emotion overwhelmed her, driving her crazy. She just wanted to make everything work. She just wanted everything to be okay and to see Lilly again. I’m not sure everything will ever be okay. She thought to herself. She had been through so much in the past five years. Her family had disowned her; they had cast her out for something that wasn’t even her fault.
Something that had destroyed her. Something that had almost killed her. She refused to get rid of the child she carried from a man who forced himself on her, and they had disowned her. Her parents had been the only ones who supported her, and now they were gone. They hadn’t left her a single penny to her name and her child had been taken away, leaving her an easy target for a filthy old man with lots of money.
Helen dropped down onto a bench as she looked out at the garden. The flowers were beautiful. The whole house was, but that was the only beauty she saw here. There didn’t seem to be any beauty in the family. No kindness, no happiness.
Her husband to be had come to her and he had taken his happiness, but that was it. He had not offered her any. He had not stayed to make sure she was alright. He had not even made sure she was alright while he was with her.
But that didn’t matter, because Helen had a darker sin. She had been thinking of another man while he was in her bed. She had been thinking of his son.
The next morning Helen rose early, hoping to have breakfast alone and avoid any tense interactions. It was a simple meal compared to last night, but it was one of the best meals she’d had in a long time. Toast, with fresh fruit.
It had been a long time since she had fresh fruit. She stood and thanked the servant for the meal before heading to the stable. When she was younger she used to love riding. She loved being outside, her hair whipping in the wind, her body felt free when she rode.
She hadn’t in a long time. She couldn’t even afford a horse.
The second she stepped into the stables she froze. He wore no shirt, which meant she could see his muscular chest. She inhaled deeply, glad that he didn’t seem to notice her.
Her heart raced as she quietly made her way towards a horse that was already saddled, and most of been waiting for her. After all, she had asked the servants to be sure a horse was ready. She reached it, still he hadn’t said a word to her.
She gave herself a couple seconds with the horse, petting him softly, her back to Owen.
“Did you enjoy watching me last night?”
Helen gasped. He had seen her? Her cheeks burned with shame. She opened her mouth to say something, but words escaped her.
“You should have come over and joined in. Such a lovely creature like you, my friends and I would have had very much fun making you scream.”
Helen’s mind raced. What was she supposed to say? Would he tell his father?
Straightening her back she took a deep breath, turning to face him. She knew she couldn’t back down. Her life depended on marrying Owen’s father, and she wasn’t going to lose that.
She found him staring at her, his eyes lingering on her body. His eyes sparkled, and as much as she hated admitting it, she wanted to stare into them for as long as she could.
He closed the distance between them, reaching out for her.
Helen’s heart skipped a beat. It took everything she had not to pull away, but she wasn’t going to show her past to him. She wasn’t going to give him any ideas.
Her eyes locked on the man in front of her. His gorgeous, amazing eyes. That she hated.
“You didn’t answer me, what is it that my father has that you think is better than me?” he raised an eyebrow. “Is it the money? Is that what you’re after? That must be it.”
He muttered the last part, more to himself than anything else.
Helen opened her mouth, shocked. “Why do you care what my motives are?” “I don’t not really,” he shrugged, “if you haven’t noticed my father and I don’t exactly get along, at all.”
“So why should I have to tell you?” She raised an eyebrow. She didn’t want to back down to him, despite the fact that it was silly.
Owen shrugged. He obviously didn’t care. He reached out for her, closing what little distance between them. His fingers tangled into her hair. Her heart skipped a beat as she stared at him. She had no clue if she was going to be attacked again. She had no clue how she would struggle free. Her knees felt weak, she felt like she was about to puke. No.
She sucked in a deep breath.
“You look so scared. So fragile like this,” he whispered. His eyes sparkled as his lips touched hers.
The kiss was gentle. Soft, not like it had been with his father.
Her heart raced so fast she thought it might beat through her chest.
Her lips quivered almost as fast as her knees shook.
Then it was all over, just as fast as it had happened. He pulled away from her, his fingers slipping out of her hair.
A wide grin spread over her face. No. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen.
She stepped away from him quickly, trying to put more distance between them. She bit her lip.
“What’s wrong? Don’t want to come back for more?” he teased.
Without a word Helen turned on her heel and reached for her horse. She climbed into the saddle and pulled herself to onto the beast. She squeezed her legs together with all her force and the creature took off, leaving Owen in the process. Her mind spun, her heart raced. She could feel a small bead of sweat against her lower back and she knew it wasn’t from the morning hear. She hated herself. She was running everything and she knew it.
What am I supposed to do?
She couldn’t deny the feelings she had when he kissed her. It was unlike it had ever be
en. She hadn’t felt like he would force himself on her. She hadn’t felt like she couldn’t pull away. She had pulled away, hadn’t see? She hardly remembered how it all happened. All she remembered was his lips against hers. And that was all she could think about.
But with every other man, she hadn’t felt free. Even when they touched her she hadn’t felt like she could pull away. With Owen, she was sure she could. She was sure he would let her.
Why is he doing this to me?
Owens’s heart was still racing; he couldn’t stop thinking about her. He couldn’t stop thinking about the way her lips had felt against his. It had been unlike anything he had ever felt before. He hadn’t wanted to pull away from her, and arousal had nothing to do with it. He had just wanted her. He had wanted to kiss her, and caress her.
Why would she marry a man like his father? Why was it, that despite what a cruel man his father was, he could get anything he wanted? And yet, here Owen was, without anything he was proud to say was his. Sure, he had money and girls, and anything he wanted but that wasn’t something he was proud of. The money was useless, though he had worked hard for it.
A soft sigh passed through his lips as he mentally shook himself. He didn’t have time for worrying about this girl. This girl that he couldn’t get out of his head. Helen stood there, staring. She couldn’t bring herself to speak. The little girl wore a soft pink dress. Although it was old and a little torn, she still looked adorable in it.
Helen’s heart ached as she watched the little girl playing with a group. Maybe they were her friends. Friends that Helen would be taking her away from, despite the fact that this little girl probably didn’t even remember who Helen was, or why Helen would want her. She would miss her friends, and all the girls would be mean to her. Would they tease her for who she was? For whom her mother was? What would Helen do if she found out how she was born?
I could never tell a little girl the truth like that. But what else would she say? It wouldn’t matter, no one cared why Helen had her daughter out of wedlock. No one cared about the pain she went through. The pain she still had to deal with. She hated that man for what he had done to her, but she loved her daughter. Her daughter was the most important thing to her, and together they would make things work. Even if the whole world was against them.