Contents
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER NINETEEN
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
CHAPTER THIRTY
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
AUTHOR'S NOTE
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
FILL ME SNEAK PEEK
COPYRIGHT
CHAPTER ONE
Laurie greets me with her usual goofy smile. She's in friendly mode today, not lioness how dare you mess with my Alyssa mode.
"Is it time for the daily booty call already?" She smirks and motions for me to step inside. "Alyssa is in the backyard."
The backyard, and God is it a backyard--it's huge and immaculately landscaped--is awash in the soft, orange glow of sunset.
And there's Alyssa, sitting on the couch, hoodie wrapped around her bare legs. She's reading her Kindle, of course. She's probably reading something English majors ignore in favor of Cliff Notes.
"Some lawyer here to see you," Laurie says.
"I hope you're not in trouble," Alyssa mimics, rolling her eyes like it's the hundredth time Laurie has made that joke.
Laurie folds her arms over her chest. "You know I write comedy for a living."
"It eludes explanation." Alyssa looks up at me--a quick glance to register my presence--then back down to her book. Her lips curl into a smile. "I have a chapter to finish."
That smile could melt glaciers. I would kill for that smile and the spark it brings to her clear blue eyes.
She sets her Kindle aside.
She's mine now. All her attention is mine.
Her eyes pass over my body, then come back to mine. She bites her lip. God, I love that look--that look that screams I'm thinking about touching you right now, and I like the thought of it. No one has ever looked at me the way Alyssa does. I had other girlfriends before, slept with other women, but none of them stared at me with that kind of lust.
"Oh get a room," Laurie says. She steps back towards the door. "No, really, do you want a room, because I'll make like a tree and get the hell out of here."
Alyssa shakes her head--Laurie really does make the worst jokes--and steps off the couch. "We'll be quiet."
"As much as I appreciate the free porn show, even if it's more of a free porn podcast what with the lack of video, I'll go grab a bite." Laurie steps into the living room and yells back to us. "I'll be back in an hour. But give me five minutes to put on something presentable." She shuts the sliding glass door behind her.
"We should get dinner first," I say.
"You're funny." She takes another step towards me.
"Maybe I want a matcha latte before Peets closes."
"There's a Peets by your house."
"What if I like this one better?"
She shakes her head. "Your protests are pathetic." Her eyes are glued to mine. She takes another step towards me, until she's close enough to touch.
God, she smells so good, like oranges and honey. Like Alyssa. Her fingers skim my waist just under my T-shirt.
I try to stick to my plan. I have to tease her, to get her wanting me so badly she thinks she might burst. I can't give in so easily. "I'm very convincing."
She shakes her head. "You're awful. Completely lacking belief." She presses her body against mine. "I could teach you a little about acting. You could use it." Her grin is ear to ear.
I almost want to stay like this just to keep that grin on her face.
She closes her eyes and presses her lips to mine. She's so soft and so hungry, and she moans the second my fingertips brush against her skin.
She's making this impossible.
"You only want me for my body," I say. A flimsy objection, but my blood is quickly rushing out of my brain.
"I can't help it. You're painfully hot." She takes another look at me as if to confirm. She nods. "Very painfully." She smiles, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip. Some irresistible mix of joy and lust.
"So it's my fault you're objectifying me?"
"Of course. If you had a better personality, I'd care about that too."
I'm going to have to get her back for this teasing. I'm going to have to torture her until she's begging.
She kisses me again, her nails digging into my skin. I love those fucking nails, like a blinking sign screaming I want you. Her lips part and her tongue slides into my mouth.
She pulls me towards the couch.
"I shouldn't reward your insensitivity." I slide my hand over the curve of her waist.
"But you will." Her eyes flutter closed. She kisses me, her back arching, her body straining against mine.
I bring my hands to her chest, cupping her breasts over her dress. She groans softly, almost a beg. She's already desperate. She already wants this so badly.
I trace the neckline of her dress slowly, back and forth. She groans louder, and I slip my fingers into her bra.
She breaks our kiss, nearly panting. "Luke." She reaches for my jeans. "You better not... You better..."
"I better what?" I slide the strap of her dress off her shoulder. Then the other.
She's wearing a hot pink bra. It's so her, and it looks so damn good against her skin. Still, she'll look much better without it.
"You know what," she says.
I push the straps off her shoulders, pulling the cups off her breasts. Damn. Heat courses through my body. I need to be inside her, and soon.
I rub my nipples over her. "Maybe you should enlighten me."
She presses her body against mine again, her crotch grinding against me. God, she feels so good, but I have to wait until she's begging.
I pull my shirt over my head and she relaxes, no doubt sure my protests are just for show.
"You're awful." She lifts her ass and slides out of her dress.
I stare as she peels off her bra and kicks off her panties. Those hips, God, those hips, the smooth skin on her stomach, and her chest...
She's perfect, and she's looking at me like she wants to consume me. It's magic. I'm so lucky that this gorgeous, perfect woman wants me.
Any blood left in my brain rushes downward. I slide out of my shorts and shift onto the couch, on top of her. She rocks her hips into mine, groaning as she rubs against me. I watch the delightful contortions in her face, my ears wide open to the soft moans escaping her lips. She wants me. She wants me so much. And I want her, all of her, all at once.
She's in agony, groaning and shaking and digging those nails into my back again.
I've tortured her enough.
***
Alyssa talks me into takeout at my place. We sit on the floor, our plates on the low coffee table in the living room, a seemingly endless bottle of tequila between us.
She eats slowly, paying careful attention to every bite. I'm more obvious than I mean to be about watching her, and she looks at me with a weariness usually reserved for conversations about Ryan.
She bites her thumb, her eyes heavy wit
h irritation. "I'm not going to binge just because you aren't watching me."
"I know, but I worry." I hold her gaze and move a little closer.
She shifts away from the table. "You're going to have to get used to it eventually."
"I know."
She stabs another bite of her dinner and takes a long bite. She chews, slowly. Swallows, slowly. She turns her eyes to the table and clears her throat. "Have you heard from Samantha?"
Samantha, my ex-fiancée, is one of my least favorite topics of conversation. We met at law school. I got her a job at my father's firm. She had an affair with him, fell madly in love with him, tried to leave me for him. When he rejected her, I begged her to take me back, promised things would be like they were in the beginning. She gave in, but I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. I ignored her at every turn, even when she sank into a terrible depression.
Then she tried to kill herself.
Now, we're friends. I call every week or two. Visit her at her parents' place in Santa Barbara every once in a while. I owe her that much.
"Do you really want to talk about her?" I ask.
Alyssa shakes her head. "No, but it's better than wondering." She looks at the floor. God, she looks so worried.
"You're not jealous..."
"Cause you're never jealous?" She folds her arms.
"Never," I say. "I've never been jealous in my life."
"Uh-huh."
"Okay, that's not true. I do get jealous of Jack McCoy from time to time." I move closer to her. "Have you seen his closing?"
"I've seen his eyebrows."
"Oh yeah?" I laugh.
She looks me in the eyes. "They're amazing. So full and lush. I'd kill for those eyebrows."
"They're huge."
"They're gorgeous."
"But he's so old."
"Age is just a number. He's distinguished. He's got the most beautiful, wrinkled face. It's so full of character."
I slide my hands around her waist. "Now I'm getting jealous of him all over again."
"Shock of the century." Her voice is light, happy.
She brushes a hair out of my eyes and presses her lips to mine. It's such a sweet release. I almost feel like we could dodge this topic forever.
"I haven't heard from her in a few weeks," I say. "I'm sure she's the same. Lonely but okay."
She rests her head against my chest, sighing. "I'm more worried about the loneliness."
I brush my fingers against my chin, tilting her head so our eyes connect. "You know I'd never..."
"I know, but..." Her gaze drifts to the pool in the backyard.
The first place we kissed, though from the look on her face I really hope she's not reliving the utter exhilaration of our lips meeting. If she is, she must be thinking of what an ass I was to pursue her so aggressively, what with the small matter of her being engaged to my business partner.
I reach for her hand. God, it feels so good just to hold her hand. I feel safe, like nothing could hurt either of us. "I want a life with you, Ally. I don't have a life with her anymore. A weekend a month maybe."
"Two most months."
"Still. I don't want her. I don't want anyone but you."
"Really?" A little spark returns to her eyes.
"Of course. I want you so badly it kills me. I'd drive to Las Vegas and marry you tonight if I thought you'd have me."
Her pink lips curve into a smile. "And you'd text Ryan a play by play."
"He needs to know all the details of our newlywed sex."
"You're insane."
"You should see what I sent him when you were getting dressed."
"I know what it said--I'm an awful tease and I'm constantly torturing your poor, innocent ex-fiancée."
She smirks, and it's like the lights in the room finally turned on.
"Would you prefer if I didn't torture you?" I ask. "Say if I never sucked on your nipples?"
"Luke!" Her cheeks turn red. Beet red.
"So you don't like that?"
"Of course I... You're awful. You know that?"
I move towards her until I feel the warmth of her body. She unfolds her arms, her eyes still on mine, and wraps them around my neck. I kiss her, hard. My hands slide up her sides and she arches into me, a soft moan escaping from her mouth to mine.
"Alyssa..."
"I like the sounds of that 'Alyssa.'" Her hands slide down to my shoulders and she pushes me onto the carpet. She shifts her body onto mine, straddling me.
"We're going to have this conversation eventually."
"Later is eventually." She lowers her body onto mine, her legs squeezing mine, her chest pressing against mine. She kisses me hard. All I want is to be inside her again, until she's screaming my name and digging her nails hard into my back.
"After we talk," I say.
She rolls off me and flops on the carpet. "Okay. Talk."
"It's a good talk."
"Likely story."
"I love you."
"Okay, it's starting off good," she says.
"I really do want a life with you. I want your face to be the first thing I see every morning, and the last thing I see every night."
I prop myself on my elbows so I'm closer to her. She's so beautiful, but that isn't what matters. It's that she's Alyssa, my Alyssa. Those blue eyes, that soft skin, the light hair--that's my Alyssa.
"I want all of it," I say. "I want to eat breakfast with you, and text you on my breaks, and eat dinner with you every night."
"Awfully fixated on meals there."
"It's not about your... problem."
She gives me that look. That really? look. "My eating disorder?"
I nod. "It doesn't have anything to do with... your eating disorder recovery." I brush a hair from her forehead. "I see a future for us. I see us building our lives together, buying a house, picking out furniture, arguing over how to decorate the bathroom."
"Hot pink of course."
"Hot pink is perfect." I run my fingertips over her arm. "I want to travel with you, to run around Europe watching you sip espresso in Italy, outraged over why I can't find a decent cup of tea in the entire country. I want to watch you agonize over what outfit to wear."
"I don't agonize."
"Geez, Alyssa. I'm trying to be romantic."
"I know, but you shouldn't misrepresent me in your fantasies."
"I've seen you agonize," I say. "On occasion."
She looks up at me and looks away. She's nervous. "What are you saying?"
"I don't want you to hear this as an accusation, but you act like we're still sneaking around."
"No."
"We hang out here or at Laurie's. You refuse to go out for dinner. And it's not about food. You refuse to go out for coffee with me, and I know you'll drink coffee anytime, anywhere. You'll take walks around the marina, but only around the marina."
"I like hanging out here."
"I know you're not ashamed to be with me..."
"It's not you." She bites her fingernail. "It's Ryan... because I... well, you were there when I was cheating on him."
"Can't we get past that?" I ask. "Don't get me wrong. I love spending time with you here, but I need more than that. We both do."
She bites her fingernail, her eyes once again turning to the pool. "Like what?"
I wait until she meets my gaze. "You could move in here."
"Into your ex's house?"
"We can get a new house."
"Luke..."
"Okay, I get it. It's only been a few months. I shouldn't move so fast. But I feel like we're on hold. Do you..." Fuck, what if she says no? She could break my heart. "Where do you see this relationship going?"
She looks away, at the dark blue sky outside the windows. "Somewhere great." She looks back to me. "But not yet."
"When?"
"Sometime in the future."
"When in the future?"
"A year, maybe."
That's an eternity.
She turns ba
ck to me, her eyes clear and bright. "I love you, Luke, and I want to be with you. But I didn't do this relationship thing well before. I made Ryan my whole world. I relied on him so much, I didn't think I could survive without him. I can't do that again."
"I won't let you."
She runs her hand through my hair. "I'm still here. Just not all the time."
"But I want you all the time."
Her hands are on the back of my head. She pulls me closer, until we're almost kissing. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Not unless I fuck it up."
"Not unless you fuck it up," she says. She laughs, and she kisses me again. Her hands dig into my hair.
I try to shut all this out, to feel nothing but her lips and her body under mine. Alyssa is with me now. I have her now. She's intelligent, articulate, thoughtful, and she's mine.
She's perfect, and she's mine.
But it's not enough. I need more of her, all of her, all the parts she wants to keep hidden.
CHAPTER TWO
I know it's fast. It's only been a few months. It's not that I doubt her when she tells me it's not personal. Ryan was an asshole--he's still an asshole--and I have no doubt being with him fucked with her head.
It's not like I was in the world's greatest relationship before.
But I want her so much. How am I supposed to wait until she's ready? That might be months or years.
I can't keep waking up without her. I can't keep rolling over on my king-sized bed, the emptiness of it mocking me as I flop onto my face.
Being with Alyssa is like nothing else. Before her, my life was lacking something. It had been lacking something for years.
It started when my mom died.
I was seventeen, barely seventeen. A stupid kid, really. A stupid kid with no clue of how good I had it.
It was late one night or maybe early one morning--that in-between time. She and my father had been fighting for hours. Mostly him treating her like shit, assuming her opinion had no value. He'd never admit it, but he assumed everyone else's opinion had no value. I remember hearing my name thrown around, and slamming my bedroom door shut so I could plausibly deny they were fighting over me. Again. I'd done something stupid to piss off my father--I lived for doing stupid things to piss off my father--but Mom was sticking up for me. She always did.
I was in my bedroom, the black sky bouncing off my white walls, my room a stupid shade of gray. I could only hear them, but I knew exactly what it looked like. I knew the look on my mom's face, the sheer frustration, the contortion of her forehead as she choked back tears. She never would have stayed with him if it weren't for me. She would have left him years before. This never would have happened if it weren't for me...
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