“I just don’t want either of us to pretend that what’s happening between us is something that it’s not.”
What he said was a little confusing, but she thought she understood what he meant. He didn’t want this silly little hometown girl to go all groupie on him and demand that he become her boyfriend. Well, as much as she was starting to like him, she wasn’t stupid enough to think anything permanent could come of what was happening between them, to use Riley’s word. “Fair enough.” She sipped her coffee again and said, “I have to say…I’ve had a lot of fun with you, even though we kinda got off to a bad start. And that’s probably good for me, considering some…uh…experiences I’ve had over the past couple of years. So…you ask me where I think this is going?” Wow…this was hard. She took a deep breath. “Why can’t we just enjoy each other’s company while you’re here? Why do we have to build up some weird mystique around it?”
He blinked a couple of times and nodded his head in a slow, almost methodical, way. “Yeah…okay.” He held out his hand to shake hers as if sealing a deal. “Works for me.” He blew out a breath of air and then smiled. “Now…about this table…”
Chapter Twenty-four
WELL, YOU COULDN’T blame a guy for trying. Not only had they brought things out in the open, but Riley had almost talked her into a little morning sex before going. Erin said she didn’t have time, though. So she promised to call him when she was done at work.
He liked the look on her face when he asked if he could stick around for a while so he could wash her dishes.
But when she left, an empty feeling nearly caved in his chest. And he was so fucking glad he hadn’t said what he’d been considering. He’d been ready to profess what he felt, to admit to feeling something pretty deep, to tell her that he was feeling just about everything but love…and maybe even a hint of that too. But she obviously wasn’t anywhere near that. He was nothing but a boy toy to her.
So he just sat at the kitchen table after she left, sipping coffee, craving alcohol but ready to settle for a joint. He pulled in one deep breath after another, forcing himself to cowboy up. So big fucking deal. Wasn’t the first time a girl had kicked him in the balls.
He could do this.
But he had to admit that he wouldn’t be able to change her mind in just a few short days. He’d have to just try to enjoy what they had while they had it and try not to be pathetic when he left. In fact, he told himself, this kind of shit led to some of the best songs. Maybe Undue Influence could win a Grammy or the next album could go platinum if he let the pain bleed through the songs.
And at least she’d been honest. The last relationship he’d been in had been built on a bed of lies, and that would have killed him.
So…he planned on more weed, as much mind-blowing sex as possible, and as long as he could find a way to pull his fucking heart out of it, he’d be fine.
* * *
Wow…Erin had narrowly escaped that one. She’d been tempted to take him up on his offer of sex in the kitchen. That would’ve been hot, but she really needed a little air. She was just a fun thing to him for a few days, and…she guessed she was okay with that.
Well, she wasn’t but it was her own damn fault. She shouldn’t have let her heart get in the way. But she was going to enjoy him while he was there. He was the first man she’d been with since Frank. Unlike that asshole, Riley was a fantastic lover. More than that, though, it seemed like now that he didn’t have to act like a big, bad rock star all the time, he was kind of sweet and caring underneath it all.
And that’s probably why Erin found it most confusing that they were just fucking each other. She thought she’d sensed more.
But that must have been her own emotions talking. Riley said it himself. How had he put it? He’d said he didn’t want them pretending what was going on between them was more than it really was…which meant he’d been able to see how she was being such a fucking girl. She was letting herself fall for him. Completely. And he’d called her on it.
When she got to the school, earlier than usual because she’d needed to get away from him for a while, she went to the lounge to get a cup of coffee. A cup of shitty coffee, by the way, especially compared to what Riley had made at her house, but she’d needed to get out of there fast. The nasty coffee was the price she had to pay.
Jackie was already sitting at a table in the lounge, a paper cup from a coffee shop full of vanilla mocha with whipped cream, grading geometry papers. “Girlfriend, do I see a satisfied look on your face?” Jackie’s long black hair was tucked behind her ears.
In spite of herself, Erin grinned. She sat down across from Jackie. “Maybe.”
“Mmm-hmm. But there’s something else too, right?”
Erin took a deep breath. “Yeah, but I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it yet.”
Jackie lowered her voice even though no one else was in the lounge yet. “Tough shit, girlie. Spill it.”
So even though Erin hadn’t wanted to talk about it yet—too fresh, too raw, and needing to be too honest—she told her best friend how Riley had let her down gently, that he’d pretty much told her they could have fun together but that was it.
“Girl…I feel for ya, but you really didn’t expect anything serious to come of it, did you?”
Erin shrugged and forced herself to take another sip of the bitter coffee. “I dunno. Maybe. The problem is—and I know how stupid this sounds—I was starting to feel something pretty strong for him.”
“Strong?”
“Yeah…something dangerously close to…”
“Seriously?”
“Well, maybe not the l word, but everything but.”
“Everything but? What the fuck would that be?”
The door from the hallway was starting to open, so Erin lowered her voice even more and leaned over the table. “Not picturing our lives together down the road or anything like that, but really caring, you know, and wanting to know he’s happy, and wanting to spend every stinking moment together…”
Jackie started laughing. “You might not call that love, but—”
“Don’t. You. Dare.” Erin finally got up the nerve to look and see who’d entered the lounge. Great. It was Ron Gill. She didn’t say anything, instead looking back to Jackie, signaling her with her eyes to not say another fucking word. She allowed her voice to become louder. “So what did you guys do last night?”
“Whatcha think, girl? Making a baby. We’re still in ovulation week.”
Erin laughed even though her heart wasn’t all the way in it. It was just nice to not talk about her own problems. “I bet Carl’s loving it.”
“Actually, no. I think he’s getting pretty sick of it.”
“Really? That’s a first.”
“I think it’s because I’m demanding and…well, he accused me of being ‘clinical’.”
Erin smiled. “Maybe you should romance him…you know, do what guys have to do to get us in the mood.”
Ron looked uncomfortable to Erin as she peeked over at him. He acted like he wanted to come over and talk but didn’t want to participate in the subject matter. He was reading the bulletin board.
Jackie laughed. “But nice try. We were talking about you.”
“We’re done.” Jackie raised her eyebrows but said nothing.
Ron took the gap in the conversation as his chance. “Morning, ladies. Erin, I heard the squad made just as much money as ever, that having Carmichael out of the equation didn’t make much difference.”
“Really? I hadn’t heard.” She hadn’t thought about the goddamned cheerleaders since Saturday night. She’d been a little distracted. Next week was cheerleading tryouts and she was frankly happy to not have to deal with the drama this week. Well, that was, any drama except her own.
“I’m sure you had a lot to do with that.”
“I actually didn’t, Ron. I had no clue what I was doing.”
He shrugged and sat next to Jackie so he could face Erin. “You pulled in a
lot of cash. Carmichael never made that much on her own.” Erin felt the heat rising from her chest up her neck, but she thought it best to say nothing. He cleared his throat. “Too rich for my blood.”
Where was he going with this? Best to not say much. “It was pretty generous of him to help out his alma mater.”
“Yeah…I’m sure that was his only reason.”
Jackie set her pen down. “Oh, come on, Ron. Do you expect Erin to tell you she wasn’t flattered by the gesture, a hot rock star dropping a serious wad of cash on her?”
He furrowed his brows. “Well, no, but I think it’s pretty obvious what the guy wanted.”
“And what would that be?” God, Erin loved her best friend. Jackie just never pulled any punches.
Ron raised his eyebrows. “I am not going to say it.” He cleared his throat and smoothed out his button-down shirt. “I…uh…just hope you’re doing all right, Erin.”
She had to admit that was sweet. He’d wanted to find a way to talk to her and had stuck his foot in his mouth. So she nodded and tried to smile. “Thanks. I think I am.” Okay, so that was a lie, but she wasn’t going to tell him about that. She hadn’t wanted to tell Jackie, either, but she couldn’t deny her friend.
But sweet wasn’t gonna cut it, not when she had Riley in her system. In fact, she was starting to think no other man would ever stand a chance. She and Ron had never gotten along well anyway, and it wasn’t in the sexual-tension kind of way. More than that, though, she didn’t feel anything for him. Riley had somehow ignited something inside her, something fueled by him and him alone. It was more than just his looks, although those didn’t hurt. But it was something visceral about him, something intangible inside him that spoke to her, that told her she was his.
Even though she really wasn’t and probably never would be.
Even so, she was drawn to Riley, and her heart never could belong to anyone else as long as she was in his hold. And it was with these thoughts in her head that she tried to make it through the day, but it was hard to talk about comma splices and fused sentences when your love life was more fucked up than even the worst essays her students could throw at her.
Chapter Twenty-five
FUCK. RILEY WAS stoned out of his mind. It almost helped with what he considered pain.
But he couldn’t get his mind off having a little Jack Daniels.
And a little pussy. Some bad pussy, though. The best way to get over a woman was several women. Yeah…so not a little pussy, but a lot.
But there was nothing to get over yet, was there? He still had a chance. Erin hadn’t told him to go fuck himself, so he was still in the running.
As much as he tried to convince himself, though, it did hurt and he wasn’t sure how to stop throwing his fucking heart out there.
He had a plan, though. Maybe if he treated her like he treated most women, it would help him pull his emotions out of it. And that’s exactly what he intended to do.
* * *
Erin called Riley after school was over and asked him to come by around seven. Her mother had always told her that stupid saying was true: “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Well, even though she’d found the saying stupid, she was going to test it tonight anyway. She had nothing to lose.
She’d never considered herself to be a master chef, but she could cook a few things well. She made a mean chicken piccata and a decent balsamic vinaigrette dressing. So she decided on chicken, baked potatoes, and salad, and she made an amaretto cheesecake for dessert. Then she put on a simple beige short-sleeved dress with light brown sandals and pulled her hair up in a ponytail. She had a surprise up her sleeve, though.
She also put in a little music. Based on the music they both seemed to already like, she threw in several CDs she thought Riley might like: some older Alice in Chains, Korn, and more Spawn at the end. And she had to ask him about the song she’d heard on the radio today, a song called “Still Alive.” She hadn’t caught the DJ’s introduction, because it was already playing when she got in her car, but she just knew it had to be Riley’s new band, because it sounded like his voice, and she knew his band’s new single was due out this week. And it was so different from his stuff with Spawn. She liked Spawn and would always love all their music, but if the song she’d heard was from Riley’s new band, she was impressed as hell. Totally different but really good stuff.
Riley was late. That wasn’t like him. He’d been prompt every time they’d gotten together. Granted, she hadn’t even known him an entire week, but he hadn’t seemed the irresponsible type. The food wasn’t getting cold, because she had the chicken on low covered with a lid and the baked potatoes were in the warm oven, but everything was going to get dry and chewy if it stayed in the holding pattern for too long. And then there would be no heart access via stomach routine.
But her doorbell finally rang at ten after. She hoped everything was okay and she tried not to seem overly eager when she answered the door, but she knew she probably couldn’t help the expression on her face.
When she opened the door, it was Riley all right, but he seemed a little out of it. He had a bottle of white wine in his hand, unopened, and he handed it to her. “Figured we’d have a little suh-em suh-em with dinner.”
Erin drew in a breath. “Didn’t you say the other day that you’d been sober for three years?”
He started laughing. “Good memory. I’d say now’s a great time to jump off the wagon.”
She took the bottle from him. “I…uh…don’t think that’s such a great idea. Besides, I have to work tomorrow, so I know I won’t be drinking tonight.”
“Great. More for me.”
She stood back to let him in and shut the door. Something weird was going on, but she wasn’t sure just how to handle it yet. She hadn’t known him long enough—maybe this was typical behavior for Riley. As they walked toward the kitchen, he said, “Smells good.”
Erin couldn’t stop herself. “Is something wrong?” So much for subtle.
Riley grabbed her around the waist and pulled her up close. “Why do you think something’s wrong?”
In spite of how confused she felt, being up close to him stirred something in her. She swallowed. “You’re acting a little…strange.”
He smirked. “I’m just high. You’ll get used to it.”
Well, that made no sense to her. “Marijuana?”
“Fuck yeah.”
“So…you gave up heroin and drinking, but you still smoke pot?”
“Yeah…so?” She shrugged but said nothing and pulled away, under the seeming pretense of putting food on the table. She lifted the lid off the skillet. “Like you really give a shit.”
She put down the spatula she’d just picked up and turned to face him. “Seriously, Riley, what’s the problem?” If getting high made Riley an asshole, she didn’t like him that way.
He frowned and looked down, almost at her knees. “Nothin’.” She sighed. “Let’s just eat.” She didn’t know that having dinner was such a good idea, but maybe a little food in his stomach would help even him out. “I got the munchies real bad.”
She decided to just pretend like everything was normal…for now, at least. “Go ahead and have a seat. There’s a bowl for salad.” He took the hint and scooped up some salad out of the big bowl while she loaded each plate with a chicken breast piccata-style, a baked potato, and steamed broccoli. She sat in the chair next to him and grabbed the carafe of ice water to pour some in her glass. “Do you want some?”
He shrugged. “Sure. I’ll save the wine for later.” They ate in silence for a couple of minutes until Riley said, “Shit. This is some good stuff, Erin.”
Well, at least she’d scored there. “Thanks.” She took a sip of her water and asked, “I don’t suppose the name of your new single is ‘Still Alive,’ is it?”
A smile spread over his face, the first genuine one she’d seen since he walked through the door this evening. “Yeah…why?”
She smiled back. “
I heard it on the radio this afternoon.”
He put down his fork. “Hot damn. What did you think?”
“Awesome. It kicks ass. It’s so…different from what you did with Spawn.”
He grabbed his glass and knocked back the rest of his water. “Good or bad?”
She took a deep breath. “Well, don’t get me wrong. I love Spawn, but this stuff…is really, uh…mature. Unique. Not much like it out there.” Shut up, Erin. You sound like a fucking fangirl. “Anyway, I want to hear it a few more times.”
“Make sure you really like it?”
She laughed. “No…I know I like it, but once is just enough to get a taste, you know?” She looked up from her plate. Holy shit. What was that look he was giving her? It looked…ravenous. That was at least a little closer to the Riley she’d been getting to know and, well, not love but start falling for.
He blinked, his eyelids almost moving in slow motion, and said, “I’m glad you like it. Just don’t make me listen to it.”
She wrinkled her brow, remembering how he’d come out in her living room and turned off the Spawn CD she’d been playing. “Why don’t you like to hear your own stuff?”
He shrugged. “The music’s okay. This might sound weird, but I really hate hearing myself.”
She shook her head. “That’s not so weird. I think most people hate hearing their own recorded voices. We never sound the same recorded as we sound to ourselves.”
“Yeah…well, I sound like a fucking idiot.”
She shook her head. “No way. You sound…” She took a deep breath, deciding to let it pass.
“Come on. Finish it.”
She looked back up from her plate. “You sound sexy.”
He grinned. “Thanks. Not to me, but thanks.”
She swallowed, ready to change the subject. At least they were talking again and it wasn’t strained. “There’s cheesecake for dessert, by the way.”
“You fucking kidding me?”
“No…amaretto…” Oh, shit. “Oh…can you eat that, even if…?”
“Yeah. Besides, I told you I was gonna drink that wine later anyway.”
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