by H. Q. Frost
"I just need to be alone awhile."
"Let me come! I'll wait in my apartment." She didn't understand what was going through his head but she feared the worst.
"I'll be back in a few hours."
"You promise me?" When her gaze locked on his and he saw the trepidation on her face, he furrowed his brows.
"Yes," he insisted, realizing what she might be thinking. His large hands gently grabbed her face before he leaned in for a soft kiss. "I will never leave you."
"I love you." The fear in her tone was still there and he tried to push a smile on his face.
"I love you, beautiful."
She paced until she couldn't handle the overwhelming feelings and found herself in the bathroom, fishing out the hidden razor. Pressing the steel to the cut she made earlier in the day, the one Ian already knew about, she pulled it toward her armpit. The relief wasn't there. There was too much swirling in her muddled brain. She grabbed her phone.
I could use a talk
Before hitting send she stared at the text. He only left her forty minutes prior, she couldn't beckon him home. He needed to clear his head too. She needed to give him his time and space. It was about him not her. He was the one in need for once and she had to respect that.
Clearing the phone, she walked into the bathroom and tried again. After making a new slice and not getting the release needed, she wrapped her arm. Getting in bed, her thumbs dialed Justin's number she knew by heart but she couldn't push send, instead, she called her mother's mother.
"Hello?" the old woman answered.
"Grandma, this is Lily."
"Lily." She sounded like she was saying her last word in life. "How are you, sweetheart?"
Lilith cringed after 'sweetheart' and almost hung up but she huffed. "Things have been better but I was wondering if you and grandpa would like to come for dinner Sunday? Ian and I would love to have you. Maybe you can tell me a little about my mother?" She couldn't believe those words were coming out of her mouth.
"We'd love that, Lily." The shock in her voice was evident.
"Let me give you my address. Come around five?"
"Perfect, darling."
After hanging up, Lilith closed her eyes only wanting to rest a minute but fell asleep. She woke to Ian arriving home. Her eyes popped open staring at the clock that read 1:26 a.m. Sitting up, she wondered why he'd been gone so long, it'd been five hours. He stumbled into the bedroom, bumping into the tall dresser and the contents on top clanked and tumbled to the ground.
"Ian, what are you doing?" Lilith got out of bed and flipped the light on to see he was drunk, very drunk. "How'd you get home?" she gasped.
"I love you, Lily." He kept trying to kiss her, but she got him into the bed and asleep by scratching her nails over his scalp. She stayed up for hours wondering why he got so drunk.
Softly shaking him awake in the morning, she said, "Baby, I have to go to work."
Ian groaned and opened his eyes. "I drank," he moaned.
"I see that. I made you breakfast. It's in the refrigerator. I'll be at work, text or call me, for anything, okay?"
"I should come in."
"You don't need to come in today." She kissed his forehead. "Take some time, Ian. Get your head on straight before you bog yourself with work."
"I wish you would stay with me." He grabbed her hand.
"I know, baby, but you know one of us needs to be in the office. This isn't a planned vacation. Tash would lose it." She leaned down and kissed his eyebrow. "I love you."
His hand slipped from hers as she walked away. "I love you," he called to her, putting his hands over his face, feeling like hell.
Lilith walked in to an amazing smelling house. Flowers, music, and dinner surprised her arrival home.
"Why you so late, baby?" Ian glanced at her.
"Trying to find money. What's all this? What's going on?"
"You make dinner every day. I can make it once." He chuckled and brought their plates to the table.
"Okay, but flowers?" She couldn't help but be on high alert.
"I buy you flowers all the time," he said like it was weird she found it odd.
"Baby." She grabbed his hand. "What's going on? You can tell me anything."
"I love you, Lily." He slightly shrugged and turned to his plate.
"I love you too, but something very tragic just happened and you're acting like it doesn't bother you like it did yesterday."
"I'd rather stay busy than dwell on it."
"Okay." She shoved carrots into her mouth, too boggled to taste the impeccable food he'd cooked.
Ashley called her three times that night and Lilith knew it was to get her out of the house.
"Don't you want to answer?" Ian asked while they tried to watch a movie together.
"No." Lilith shrugged. "She probably wants me to meet her for a drink."
"Then meet her!" He laughed.
"No, Ian. I'm staying with you."
"Do you want me to come out with you?"
"No!" she blurted, knowing Tomo would be there. "I don't want to go out, baby. Can we just be together?"
"Yes, I love this but we've been together every day since we came back from Paris and it's a little odd for you, Lily. I know you like to get out for drinks and friends."
She looked at him and huffed. "No, Ian." Annoyance seeped from her. "I went out before because of our life agreement at the time. I have no drive to go out and get drunk. I want to focus on work, making sure the company doesn't dive."
"The company's not going to dive." He rolled his eyes. "So you only went out before to see him?"
Lilith looked at him. "There were a lot of reasons," she mumbled and looked back at the TV.
"Like?" he prodded.
"Like me avoiding the you and Karen thing. Like I would go see Justin. Baby, I just want to be here with you. I just want you to be okay."
"I'm okay, Lily. I will be okay."
"How?" she snapped and looked at him. "How are you okay with this? I'm not! How are you okay with this?"
His silence rang loudly. Finally he looked at her. "It hurts, Lily."
Remorse swept over her. He was dealing with grief and there she was screaming at him.
"I know, baby." She crawled into his lap, kissing him. "I'm sorry, I just think that was terrible of her. If she loved you she would have never put this guilt on you."
"I just don't want this to happen to me and you."
"What?" she snapped. "I'm not going to kill myself, Ian."
"I don't mean that." His eyes went to her arm then he kissed the cuts. "I don't ever want you unhappy," he said. "I never could make her happy."
"I don't think that's true, Ian." She pulled his head to her shoulder and stroked his soft hair that he didn't style with pomade that day.
"I know what makes you happy and I think you're fighting it."
Talking about Justin with Ian right after Karen killed herself was not an option.
"Shh. I love you." She kissed his forehead. "We're happy." Moving his head, she looked him in the eyes. "My grandparents are coming to dinner Sunday,"
"Your mom's parents?" He tried to hide the shock.
"Yes."
"That'll be nice, baby." He kissed her, wishing she'd open up about Justin because it was obvious she was slowly deteriorating from either what happened or being without him.
IAN's seen that glaze in her eyes
I open the door with a smile and see her grandpa first. I don't remember their names and I feel slightly bad about that but I didn't think I'd see these people again. He gives me a firm handshake and pats my arm. I direct my attention to her grandmother; she's a beautiful older woman. My girl resembles this woman so much it's surreal.
She looks like maybe she gets plastic surgery or Botox or something. I don't know but it's working whatever it is. She hugs me and kisses my cheek. These people are too nice. I know they're making up for their daughter but how are they this nice? They've brought wine, a frui
t arrangement, and gifts.
When she talks it's soft but demanding. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I just want to hear what she's saying. As we're exchanging casualties and remembering the wedding, Lily comes from the bedroom. She's changed and I smirk because she looked fine before. They go to her, meeting in the middle and they both hug her at the same time like she's a long lost child; though, I suppose she is.
It's a dick thing to say, but I'm surprised conversation is rolling as well as it is. I suppose I shouldn't be though. Lily knows how to talk to people, tell them what they want to hear. I wonder if she does that to me.
I excuse myself and tend to the chili I don't want to eat; there's not even meat in here. It smells good though and of course I'll eat it to appease my wife but I can't imagine it'll be fulfilling. We sit down to eat thirty minutes later and Lily's on her second glass of wine. I can see she's unwound a little and it's really nice because her smiles and laughs are all genuine now. I want her to relax.
Wanting Lily to spend time with her grandparents, I clean up after everyone while she takes them to the dining room and shows them pictures from our wedding. I've caught her looking at these pictures a few times alone in her shoe room like she's reminding herself she's married to me. Or she's remembering a happier time we had before coming home. Seems like the two times I went away with her started rocky, ended amazing, then went to shit when we came home. I never had problems like this with Karen, a constant nagging fear that I'm going to lose her. Never worried she hated me or I wasn't keeping her satisfied. With Karen though, I didn't care. With Lily…she's the love of my life. There will never be anyone like her. For better or worse. The worse will be Borg and I know she needs him, or wants him, but it seems like it's more a need anymore. Her heart is aching and I fucking hate it, but I just want her happy.
Her grandma is showing Lily pictures of when she was younger. Lily's observing each as if she remembers these times. I hear her phone ringing but she doesn't even look up and I continue to clean off the table. The ringing stops but starts again immediately. With wet hands I walk over and see it's Ashley. I'm about to tell Lily but she's laughing. She looks happy and obviously doesn't care about the ringing phone. The phone stops ringing but mine starts. After drying my hands I fish it out of my pocket to see it's Ashley. She's really fucking persistent.
"Hello?" I quietly answer while walking into the kitchen.
"Where's Lilith? I need to talk to her right now, Ian!" She sounds out of breath and I hear Lily's phone ring again.
I walk over to the phone and see it's not a programed number.
"Who is that, baby?" Lily calls to me.
"It doesn't say."
"Ian, put Lilith on the phone!" Ashley screams at me.
Lily answers her phone before I can hand her mine.
"Hello?"
"She just got a call, Ashley. What?" Something's got to be going on.
"Turn on the TV now. Channel six."
I walk into the bedroom and flip on the television.
"Is he dead?" I hear Lilith ask loudly. "He's not dead, is he? Kurt?" She's almost yelling.
Who the fuck is Kurt? Is that her step brother? I can't remember his name. I'm staring at her out the doorway of our bedroom and her hand is to her mouth. She looks like she's shaking; I can't see her face.
"Justin Borg," I hear the television say and I snap my head.
I've been holding my phone to my ear but I realize Ashley has hung up.
"The boyfriend to Rayne Bronson, Chicago lawyer juggernaut has been critically injured in a hit and run off Shasabell Road while racing his motorcycle. Shasabell Road isn't—" I stop listening and look at Lily again.
She's trembling. Her hand covers her gaping mouth. Her grandparents are both twisted to look at her and when she finally looks up and over at me, tears are flooding down her face.
Is the bastard dead? I don't know what this feeling is but it's twisting my stomach and I feel sadness or trepidation, or something. I can't narrow it down and I don't know where it's coming from. I think it's because she would be devastated if he were dead, and it doesn't make me upset, it makes me sad for her. I don't want her to hurt that way.
"Lily?" I say softly. Her grandparents look at me. Lily mutters something incoherent into the phone, the person on the other end probably couldn't even understand her, but she hangs up.
She's not sobbing but it's not just a few tears either. It's a flood of tears on her terrified face. She isn't even doing a cry face, it's straight terror. Unable to take the wait for her to fucking say something, I cross the room.
"Lilith?" her grandmother says.
When she says this, I realize I can't follow through with my plan of driving her to the hospital or wherever I need to get her because these people are in my house.
"I'm sorry," Lily finally says in an agonized voice.
Fuck, I have chills running all over my body. I can't stand seeing her like this.
"Is he dead?" I ask trying to mask my fear.
She shakes her head. "Not yet." The look on her face is nauseating, only because the pain she's feeling is evident.
Does 'not yet' mean it's only a matter of time?
I never thought I'd be telling my wife this. "Go to him, Lily."
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