by Marie Force
A sense of calm comes over me that takes me by surprise. It’s been so long since I’ve been anywhere close to calm that I almost don’t recognize the feeling for what it is. My leg aches like a bitch, but I wouldn’t move now if I had to.
“You should get off your leg,” she says softly.
I love that she’s so concerned about me. Other than Ava, I’ve never had anyone who truly cared about me the way Jules does, and I’ve missed that. “I’m okay.”
“It has to be hurting.”
“I’m afraid if I let go, you’ll never let me hold you this way again.”
“I will.”
“Promise?”
She nods, but there’s no pleasure in it.
I release her slowly, holding on until I’m certain I won’t fall. I take hold of her hand and walk toward my bedroom, wanting to stretch out with her by my side. I don’t care if we do anything more than talk and sleep. I just want her next to me.
I sit on the edge of the bed.
She sits next to me.
I raise my hand to her face, reveling in her soft skin. “You are so very lovely.”
“You’re rather lovely yourself.”
My lips curve into a small smile as I lean in to kiss her. “Get comfortable.”
She kicks off her flip-flops and stretches out on the bed.
I lie next to her and hold out my arm in invitation. We’re crossing one line after the other. I know it. She knows it. We do it anyway.
With her head on my chest and her warm body snug against mine, I relax even if one part of me is anything but relaxed. I try to ignore the steady thrum of desire that beats through my body, reminding me of how long it’s been since I’ve touched or been touched.
She rests her hand on my abdomen. “You have muscles on top of muscles.”
“For all the good they do me these days.”
“You’ll be back to full strength soon. It’s just going to take time to recover and heal.”
“That’s what the doctors tell me—that the only treatment left is time. It’s hard to be patient when I used to be able to do everything. And now, walking a block leaves me completely drained.”
“I knew we shouldn’t have done that.”
I squeeze her arm. “It was fine. The more I do of that kind of thing, the more I’ll be able to do. I just hate…”
“What?”
“That I met you when I’m in this condition. That you don’t get to see me like I was before.”
“Obviously, that doesn’t matter to me. Look at where I am right now. The last place on the planet where I should be.”
“Is it?”
“You know it is.”
His lips curve into a small smile. “And yet…”
“And yet…”
“One thing I’ve learned from everything that’s happened is that life is short, and happiness is hard to find. If you find someone or something that makes you happy, you shouldn’t take that for granted.”
She moans and gently bangs her head against my chest. “You’re not being fair.”
“How so?”
“You’re making it impossible to remember the many, many, many reasons why this is a terrible idea.”
“Good.”
“Not good.”
I tug her hair free of the elastic and run my fingers through it. “So very, very good.”
“John…”
“What?”
“I’m trying to understand this, but I can’t. You didn’t even like me. I didn’t like you. How did we get here?”
“I never disliked you. I disliked the situation that caused me to need you.”
“Just for the record, I actually disliked you.”
I laugh—hard. “I can’t say I blame you. I was an asshole. But not because of you. That was never the problem. The first time I saw you, I wondered why Ava had sent me Mary Fucking Poppins.”
She sputters with laughter. “What?”
“You just looked so prim and proper and put together. That was my first thought.” I slid my hand from her hair, down her back and up again. “But then I realized that under Mary Poppins’s prim exterior was a beautiful, sexy, smart, amazing, caring, compassionate woman, and I wanted to get to know her better.”
“I can’t believe you thought of Mary Poppins the first time you saw me.”
“Believe it, Poppy.”
“Poppy?”
“That’s what I’m going to call you from now on.” The conversation is silly but life affirming. I’m still here. I can still feel happiness, joy, anticipation and desire. I’ve walked through the fires of hell and come out on the other side changed forever. But I’m still here—and so is she. I tighten my arms around her. “My Poppy.”
“I’m terrified.”
“Of me?” That possibility horrifies me.
She gives a slight nod.
“Why?”
“You really have to ask? Just being here with you this way is risking my career, my close relationship with my siblings, not to mention my friendship with my new sister-in-law, who I like very much. And I can’t help but wonder…”
“What?”
“If I’m just, you know…”
“I don’t know.”
“Convenient.”
Shock renders me speechless. “That’s not it. I swear to God, the last thing I wanted when we met was to be attracted to anyone. It just happened, Jules, and it happened because of you, not because you were convenient. It happened because you’re amazing and compassionate and fearless and so fucking good at what you do—which is a huge turn-on.”
She takes a deep breath and releases it slowly.
“Tell me you believe me.”
“I want to.”
“You can. I swear it’s true.”
“What about Ava?”
“What about her?”
“There’s no way you’re over her.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever get over what happened with her or how it happened. She’s a big chapter in the story of my life, and part of me will always love her. But I can’t have her, and I have no choice but to accept that.”
“What if you could have her?”
“Uh… How do you mean?”
“Well, they cut their honeymoon short. What if that’s because they realized they made a huge mistake and she comes for you? What would you do then?”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“But what if it does?”
“Jules… Have you ever been in love? Truly in love?”
“I thought I was. Once.”
“What happened?”
“He called off our wedding three weeks before the big day.”
“Oh God. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. That’s awful.”
“It was pretty awful. He felt terrible. He cried when he told me he just wasn’t ready to be married, but he loved me more than anything.”
“How long ago was that?”
“Three years.”
“Do you still think about him?”
“Sometimes. Not as much as I used to.”
“If he came back and begged for a second chance, what would you do?”
“I honestly don’t know. I’ve imagined that scenario so many times since it happened, but I stopped hoping for it a while ago.”
“So you know what it’s like to have a relationship go sideways and how you’re never really quite the same afterwards.”
“Yes.”
“I’m not sitting around waiting for Ava to call me. I swear to you, I’m not.”
“But what if she did call you?”
“I fully expect to hear from her at some point. If for no other reason than she has my stuff in storage.”
“What if she were to call you, right now, and say, ‘John, I made a mistake marrying Eric. Will you give me another chance?’ What would you do?”
“It’s not going to happen. You were at their wedding. You told me yourself that they’re happy together.”
“What if it did?”
“I don’t know.”
She sits up and runs her fingers through her hair to straighten it. “I’m going to go.”
“Why?”
“Because I feel like we’re juggling with dynamite. You can’t tell me that you’d turn away my brother’s wife if she changed her mind about who she wants to be with. I can’t tell you that I wouldn’t still want my ex-fiancé if he suddenly showed up. Add to that, you’re my client, I love my job and allowing this to happen could end my career.”
She stands, slides her feet into her flip-flops and puts her hair back up.
“Don’t I get to say anything?”
Hands on hips, she stares me down. “Sure.”
“Before I met you, I was drowning. Since I met you, I feel alive again, and the only thing that’s changed is you. You showed up and made everything better. Can you blame me for wanting more of the person who did that for me?”
Her shoulders lose some of their rigidity. “You’re not being fair.”
“How so?”
“I’m trying to do the right thing.”
“You’re trying to do the right thing for everyone except the two of us.” I extend my hand to her. “Come back.”
She shakes her head. “I can’t. I have to go. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Before I can formulate a reply, she’s left the bedroom. The door to my apartment closes behind her a second later.
I fall back on the pillow and exhale. I completely understand where she’s coming from, but I’m disappointed nonetheless. Kissing her was amazing, and not just because I haven’t kissed a woman in six years. But because of the way she responded and how I felt when it was happening. She brings a lightness to my life that was sorely lacking before she arrived, and I find myself craving that feeling now that I’ve experienced it.
I’m bummed until I remember that we’ll be spending the next few weeks in close proximity while traveling. Perhaps during that time, I can convince her to give us both a chance to be happy.
Chapter Fifteen
JULIANNE
I’m a hot mess in the morning, running around trying to finish packing in between drying my hair, putting on makeup to hide the dark circles under my eyes and consuming as much bad hotel coffee as I can before we leave.
Amy hasn’t had much to say since the alarm woke us at six, but that’s not unusual for her. My sister is most definitely not a morning person.
“Did you take the shampoo from the bathroom?” Amy asks.
“Yeah, it’s in my bag.”
“I can’t believe you still collect hotel shampoo.”
“Why not? I like trying new stuff.”
“Do you still have ten thousand tiny bottles like you did when we were kids?”
“Not that many.” More like five thousand, but she doesn’t need to know that. I donate a lot of it to homeless shelters. The residents love what I bring back from my travels for them. As long as Amy is focused on my hotel shampoo obsession, she won’t ask where I was last night.
Before I left, I sent her a text that said I couldn’t sleep and was going to get a drink in the hotel bar, in case she woke up and realized I was gone. She hasn’t mentioned it yet, but I’m sure she will, and that puts me even more on edge than I already am.
I can’t believe I actually kissed him. Jesus. What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking, and that’s the problem. I never should’ve gone there or said the things I did to him or kissed him. I most definitely should not have kissed him.
Except… It was a good kiss, a meaningful kiss. But giving in to temptation has made everything worse. Because now I know what it’s like to kiss him, and all I can think about is if I’ll ever get a chance to kiss him again. I inhale deeply and let it out slowly, trying to calm my nerves, my hormones and my racing mind.
I should be completely focused on the media tour that begins tonight in New York with Jimmy Fallon and kicks off in earnest tomorrow with a week of interviews on all the major morning and late-night shows. Marcie emailed overnight—does the woman ever sleep?—for an update on the tour and to reiterate once again that she wants to meet John at some point. Did she think I didn’t hear her the other seventy-two times she said she wanted to meet him?
In addition to that, one of my usual clients is having an issue that will need my attention during the flight, and all I can think about are John’s lips and those eyes and the ripped abs I felt under his shirt. I want to see them. Lick them.
Stop, Jules. Stop it.
I hear the shower shut off in the bathroom and throw the last of my clothes into the suitcase. I’m zipping it as Amy comes out with her hair and body wrapped in towels.
“Are you going to tell me where you really went last night?”
I keep my back to her because my expression gives me away whenever I skirt the truth. It’s a problem that’s plagued me all my life. “I did tell you.”
“Funny, because I woke up, saw you were gone, read your text and decided to join you at the bar. Imagine my surprise when you weren’t there.”
Fuckety fuck, fuck, fuck. “I was there. But then I went for a walk.”
“By yourself, in the dark, in a strange place when no one knew where you were? Bullshit.”
She knows that’s something I’d never do in New York, so it’s not something I’d do here either.
“Did you go to his place?”
I fold and refold my clothes, just to have something to do that will keep my back turned to her. “For a few minutes. He was having an issue and needed my help.”
“What kind of issue?”
“The kind that’s between my client and me.”
“So you’re keeping after-midnight hours now?”
“I’m doing what my employer told me to do by taking care of whatever he needs.”
“You are so full of shit, it’s not even funny, and you’re playing with fire.” She comes over to me, grabs my arm and forces me to look at her. “Did you read Rob’s text this morning?”
I haven’t looked at my phone yet, which is also unusual for me. I’m afraid of what might be waiting for me from my client. “Not yet.”
“Eric called him from Heathrow. The reason they’re coming home is because Ava is having vivid, detailed dreams about John, and they’re both so upset, they didn’t want to be on their honeymoon anymore.”
Shock renders me immobile. What? Ava is dreaming about John, and that ruined their honeymoon?
“Nothing to say?” Amy asks, her brows furrowed.
“I… I feel awful for them. But what does that have to do with me?”
Now her brows are raised in disbelief. “Are you seriously asking that? Our brother and his new wife are so upset about this guy that they’re coming home from their honeymoon two weeks early. You were with him—by yourself—in the middle of the night, doing God knows what, after confessing to me that you have feelings for him, and you don’t see the problem?”
I see the problem. I see it all too clearly. “There’s nothing to worry about where I’m concerned. We talked, and that’s all we did.”
Her sharp gaze zeroes in on me. “I don’t believe you.”
“Well, that’s not my problem. You’d better get dressed. They’re going to be here in twenty minutes.”
It’s not like my sister and me to be at odds, which gives my stomach yet another reason to ache.
“Listen to me, Jules. You need to hear me when I tell you to stay the fuck away from him. Do you remember what we talked about when Mom left Dad?”
“We talked about a lot of things.”
“Mostly, we talked about the way people make a disastrous mess of their own lives and then, when they’re sitting amidst the wreckage, they wonder how they got there. Remember that conversation?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s what you’re doing by indulging in this fantasy that he can ever be anything more to you than a client. If you continue down this path, before long, you’ll be sitting in your own wreckage, wond
ering how you got there.”
“Nothing to worry about.” I affect a breezy, unconcerned tone. “He’s still mourning for Ava anyway.”
“He told you that?”
“Uh-huh, not that he had to. It’s obvious how he still feels about her by the way he reacts any time her name is mentioned. I’m not a fool, Amy. I know the score.”
“Don’t forget the score, no matter how intense things get over the next few weeks. Do the job and move on to your next client. If you get caught up in him, you’ll regret it.”
“I hear you. Now get dressed so we’re ready when they get here.”
She does what I ask her to, but I’m shaken by what she said. I do remember that conversation after my mom exited her marriage and our family in dramatic fashion last summer by having her younger lover come to collect her when we were all at home for the day. It was horrific, and it didn’t take long for her to regret her actions, especially when Eric refused to allow her to attend his wedding if she insisted on bringing him with her. Last I heard, she and the guy were “taking a break to reevaluate their relationship.” Whatever. Some things can’t ever be undone, and that’s one of them.
I also recall feeling sorry for her because everyone was so angry with her. Not that I told anyone I felt sorry for her, but I did. My feelings toward her are complicated. I don’t approve of what she did to my dad or the rest of us, but I still love her.
Amy is looking out for me the way she has my entire life, and I love her for that even if I don’t want to hear the truth as I try to process everything that transpired last night. That hour I spent with him replays on constant loop as we depart our room and head downstairs to check out and wait for the guys to arrive.
I’m on pins and needles, wondering if it will be weird with John, or if he’ll say or do something that’ll provide further evidence for the case Amy is building against me.
The last thing in this world I want is trouble with any of my siblings. Amy is right to be concerned about the potential for massive trouble, and I like to think I’m a smart person who doesn’t do stupid things that I know are going to cause a nightmare in my life or my family.
But then he arrives, and the humming begins anew, more intense than it’s been so far. And when I realize he’s in uniform, I nearly lose my shit over how incredibly handsome he looks. My heart feels like someone is squeezing it, and I can barely breathe as I help Muncie with our bags before joining Amy in the backseat. I make sure I’m behind John so I won’t be tempted to stare at him.