I shook my head and scooped my own giant spoonful. "We were always just friends, Mom. Best friends, but just friends."
"And now?" she asked.
I picked up my slice of pizza and thought back to all the times I thought maybe we could be something more, but never thought he would go for it. He was always so supportive of me going out with other guys, always there to listen. He was protective, but didn't seem to be interested in me that way. Now? A lot of things had changed, but he was still able to make my knees weak. "I don't think it would be wise to go back to that, Mom. I have too much baggage and too much to worry about for myself." I looked up and met her gaze. "I don't want to end up hurting him," I added, "or being hurt."
She folded her arms across her chest and pursed her lips, obviously pondering something serious. "Well, dear, I think he has other plans. Plus, you need a friend."
"I have Benny. Speaking of which, I need to call her." I took a bite and pulled the crappy cell phone out of my pocket that Mom had gotten for me before picking me up in Boston.
"Theresa." My mom's voice was firm and I knew by the way she said my full name, she was about to say something important and I cringed slightly knowing her words were going to cause some sort of epiphany or something that would make me see reason. "Just… think about it, okay?"
She kissed the top of my head and left with the carton of ice cream in hand. I smiled after her knowing that thinking about it was all I was going to be doing.
Chapter 5
Charlie
I couldn't think about anything but the smile on Tessa's face as we drove away from her. The rest of the afternoon was spent formulating ways to see her. Trevor must have slapped the back of my head ten times before I told everyone that I was done for the day. He was sparring with me for the day because my coach was out of town and he was extremely annoyed with my lack of concentration.
Being home didn't help either. I was there five minutes before I finally grabbed my keys and drove over to the Marshall's, anxious to see Tess. Sarah answered the door and instead of letting me in, she stepped out onto the porch and shut the door quietly.
"I need your help with something," she whispered and looked inside the side window to make sure no one was watching.
"And what would that be?" I asked, bemused and a little curious about why she was so nervous. She was known to manipulate certain situations to turn out the way she wanted them. Tess always said that her mom could predict the future. I knew it was just good planning.
"Tessa needs a little nudge. I have a bunch of old photo albums with pictures of you both and I think it would be a good idea to bring them out," she informed me and looked back into the house quickly.
"Okay…? Um, what do you need me for?"
She slapped my shoulder, harder than she usually did, and narrowed her eyes at me. "Ow, jeez!" I rubbed my shoulder to get rid of the sting. "That actually hurt, Sarah. Have you been working out?"
She started laughing, but caught herself and slapped her hand over her mouth to silence it. "You stop that, Charlie Mackenzie. I need you to come by while she is looking at them. I think it would be good for her to see the two of you together… the way you were. Maybe it will help put some things into perspective." She wrung her hands together and looked at me pleadingly. "I wouldn't do it if I thought it would hurt in the slightest."
"I see." I rubbed my chin thoughtfully and let her squirm for a few seconds. When she realized what I was doing, she made a move to slap my arm again. "Okay, okay," I chuckled and put my hands up in surrender. "I'll be there. I promise. I don't know that it will change anything, but I'll be there."
"Good. I'll let you know when. Now, you can come inside." She turned swiftly and hurried through the front door, leaving me to follow in her wake. I planned on taking things a little slower with Tess. Let her get used to the idea of having me around her again, but my patience wasn't very saintly and now that I was thinking of what we used to be to each other, all the memories we had together, I was wearing a little thin.
"Charlie?"
I turned when I heard her sweet voice coming from the top of the stairs and took a breath. She was… God, I missed her. "Hi, Tess," I said breathlessly before clearing my throat and giving my voice a little more power. "I, uh, I was hoping I could get a minute with you… to talk."
She blinked several times before responding. "Oh. Um, I was just about to head out, but I guess I can sit for a minute." She looked nervous, tired, and like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders even though she did everything she could to hide it. She started down the stairs, arms folded over her stomach like she was holding herself together and I almost dropped to my knees in front of her and begged her to let me take some of the worry, some of that burden.
"What? Where were you going?" Sarah interjected.
"Nowhere in particular," she muttered and rolled her eyes. "Just out." Probably anywhere that was far away from where I was.
Sarah looked like she wanted to say something about that, but I spoke before she could, "Would you mind if I took you somewhere? Or tagged along?"
Her eyes widened and the few seconds it took her to respond felt like a lifetime. Her answer surprised me, but I wasn't about to complain. "Um, I guess. I haven't driven in forever, so it might be better if I just went with you anyway." Her submission was reluctant, almost as if she had been defeated in a battle of wills without the actual battle. The hurt I felt at her reluctance quickly dissipated.
I tried not to let my smile take over my entire face, but I was struggling. It was hard not to feel like this was Christmas when I was 10 and she had just given me the newest bike out on the market. "Great!" I had to clear my throat after my voice squeaked like a 15 year old boy. "Let's go then."
Sarah waved excitedly when I opened the door for Tess and I shook my head at her to let her know she was over doing it. She didn't really seem to care, she looked like she was about to break out in a dance, rocking side to side excitedly. That woman was something else and I loved her for it, but sometimes she didn't know how to tone it down.
Tess climbed in the car before I could really get to the passenger door and open it for her. She smirked when I grunted in frustration, but I just gave her my best smile and winked. That always seemed to do the trick when we were in high school. Things hadn't seemed to change in that aspect. Her breath hitched and confirmed that she was still very much attracted to me.
I drove the short distance to the dock where we had always gone for peace and quiet. It was almost sunset and the view would be perfect. I almost decided to head somewhere a little less romantic, but changed my mind when she continued to look out the window without saying a word to me. I would need all the help I could get.
We parked in the empty lot and I turned off the ignition. She was out of the car and walking before I could open my door. She wouldn't make it easy, but I never expected her to. She hadn't known my feelings for her, but she never made it easy to come out and tell her either.
I followed her to the end of the dock and watched her look out at the water with a lost and empty expression. When I stepped next to her, she ran a hand through all that long dark hair and closed her eyes with a deep breath.
"Thanks for the pizza and ice cream. You didn't have to do that," she said without looking at me.
"Yes I did," I replied.
She looked down at her feet then sat down and let her legs hang off the edge. I plopped down next to her, but kept several inches between us. Inches that felt like miles to me. The wooden planks creaked and tilted as we sat in silence and looked out over the glistening water. I was surprised there weren't imprints of our asses in the exact spots we were sitting. We had done this countless times before and tonight, it felt as if no time had passed since the last. The sound of the water lapping against the dock always put us in a trance. She had her eyes closed, listening, and I took the opportunity to study her face that was even more beautiful than before. She wasn't the 18 year old girl I was so i
nfatuated with. She was a woman now.
"I'm sorry I've been so horrible, Charlie. I just don't think it's good for you to be involved with me at all." Her voice was soft , but firm and I was pulled from my thoughts by the words that felt like a punch to my gut. She was staring down at the water now and seemed like she was making an effort to look at anything but me.
"Why don't you let me decide what's good or bad for me. I'm a big boy, I think I can make the tough decisions on my own." Her shoulders slumped and her feet stopped swinging back and forth. "Hey."
Finally, she glanced up at me and the dejected look in her beautiful eyes was like a knife in the chest. "I didn't mean that to be rude, Tess. I'm serious, though. I'm not worried about whether it's a good idea or not. I just want to be with you." As more than just your friend. I didn't say the words, but they hung in the air between us and I hoped she had heard them somehow.
She looked away just as the moisture in her eyes started to collect. "So, I'm told you are a fighter now."
The sudden change in the subject didn't surprise me. She was always one to avoid any extreme emotion and knowing how easily something like that could stress her out now, I understood. "Yeah, I got into it a few years ago. Liked the work out it gave me and the excitement. I was hoping to get into the UFC, but this underground stuff is a little more laid back. Better to get some experience. Then I might sign a contract and take the next step." I shrugged noncommittally. I wasn't pushing for a serious career anymore. It was more of a distraction. Something that kept my mind off of what I really wanted but could never reach. Now? Well, she was right next to me and nothing else really mattered anymore.
"Do you get hurt a lot?" she asked leisurely, but the concern in her voice betrayed her attempt at being casual.
I felt a little satisfaction that she was worried about me, but didn't tease her about it. "I used to, but not too bad anymore. I do well enough to avoid that."
She nodded tightly, but her eyes looked relieved at my answer. "That's good."
I couldn't take it any longer, she was breaking my heart by acting so distant and trying to sound indifferent when I knew she really wasn't. I had to ask her the question that had been on repeat in my head for five years. "Tess, will you tell me why you left? The real reason. Please."
She must have been anticipating my question because she didn't even flinch. After several long and agonizing moments, she closed her eyes and took a few more deep breaths, calming herself. "I don't want to," she finally said.
I ran a frustrated hand through my hair and tugged to distract myself from the impatience I was starting to feel. I couldn't go into this thinking it would be simple… at all. "Well, like I said before, I would really like to understand. I just… I wish you trusted me enough to be honest with me."
"I do trust you, Charlie."
"It doesn't seem like it, Tess," I snapped and wanted to smack myself for being such a dick. "Listen, I don't want to argue about it, I just wanted to talk to you without you running off."
She looked at me again and my relief was palpable, I hated not seeing her eyes. "I already apologized for that," she stated firmly.
I frowned. Couldn't really help it. It wasn't an angry frown. It was more on the sad side of frowns. I was devastated that she had been through so much and I wasn't there for her. I would do anything to make it up to her. I had tried to find her. Felt like I was looking under every rock I came across to find her and when I didn't… I couldn't handle it. "I looked for you, Tess."
This made her flinch and her eyes widened while her breathing picked up its pace. "What?"
"I looked for you when you were in Kansas, after you finally let us know you were alive. The caller ID showed that area code and I left the next day. Spent a week asking around and showing your picture to anyone who would stop to look at it. I finally came back after my mom threatened me, then I started at the university. After a year of classes that I couldn't concentrate in because I was too busy worrying about you, I dropped out and started training to distract myself. I held my breath between post cards, Tess. To find out if you were safe. Just to hear from you."
I couldn't make myself stop babbling. I needed her to know how she left me, how much she meant to me.
She had looked away when I mentioned college. We were supposed to leave together and experience everything college had to offer together. That had always been the plan, but she left. Obviously, it meant as much to her as it had to me.
"I promised your mom and brother that I wouldn't go looking for you again and I would try to make a life for myself. I got into the underground fighting and ended up winning the championship. It was a lot of money and I couldn't think of anything better than to take care of your mom and always hold onto that last thread of communication with you. Even if you wanted nothing to do with me." I could remember how desperate I was to hear from Sarah and hear that she was okay. That nothing bad had happened and there was still a chance of seeing her again.
She still hadn't spoken so I kept going. "Your mother is good at keeping secrets, Tess. The only reason I found out she knew where you were when you called her a year ago was because your brother had to use it to stop me from--" I caught myself and shook my head, "doing something stupid. They weren't able to stop me from looking for you again, though. They wouldn't tell me exactly where you were, but I knew you were in Massachusetts. You aren't an easy one to find, Tess. But I tried."
And now that I had her back, I wasn't going to lose her again.
Her eyes flickered with something I couldn't identify, then filled with tears. "I didn't know, Charlie. I had no idea what leaving would do to everyone." She was choking on a sob and spoke quickly, "I thought I was doing the right thing."
She fell against my shoulder and I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her close. Her tears soaked my t-shirt and I only held her tighter, welcoming anything that was her. Seeing her cry was always torture and it didn't happen often. "I know, Tess. It doesn't matter anymore. You're here. That's all that matters to any of us, now." I took a deep breath of relief. Holding her in my arms, her putting herself there… it was like the weight that was pressing down on me for five years was lifted and I knew that it didn't matter why she left, just that she was back. "You don't have to explain anything, Tess."
The sunset filled the sky with purples, oranges, and reds, reminding me of that night so many years ago when we both sat in the same spot, watching the same type of sunset, under completely different circumstances.
"I know that my mom told you," she said on a sigh. "I don't know why I thought she wouldn't. You and my family have obviously stayed… close."
"She didn't say much about it, but yes, she told me." She tensed and I tightened my arm around her and discreetly buried my nose in her hair while she rested her head on my shoulder. I inhaled the sweet smell of rain and saw a glimpse of the memories we shared and thought of how many we missed out on. I couldn't go back in time and change things, but I could spend the rest of the time we had making up for it. Making new, better memories.
"And?" she asked softly.
"And… it doesn't change anything for me," I replied.
"That's… good."
I heard her relief even though she tried to hide it. It gave me hope.
***
I walked her to the door when we got back less than an hour later. Nothing else had been said except for a few obligatory statements made to be polite. I wanted to press her for more, make her tell me everything so I could feel that she trusted me, but I knew doing that would only end in an argument. I would just have to continue to be patient.
"Thank you, Charlie. I'll see you around, I guess," she said hurriedly and stepped up to her front door.
See me around? Definitely. "Can I take you to dinner on Friday?"
She stumbled a bit before turning with her arms crossed over her chest. "I don't think that's a good idea… for me. I can't lose focus, Charlie."
"It's just dinner, Tess. You need to eat. I ju
st thought--"
"I know what you thought and I'm sorry. I just… can't right now. Thank you again and have a good night, Charlie." She rushed inside and shut the door leaving me thoroughly speechless and confused in the darkness of the porch. After what happened at the dock, I hadn't expected her to still be so determined to shut me down.
I thought I could do this on my own, but it was looking like Sarah would get to take over soon if I kept striking out, and I knew I would keep striking out. So did Sarah. Tess was Tess and she was stubborn and overly logical about everything. And even though it was causing me to become desperate, I loved her even more for it.
"Great," I muttered and stomped back to my car. Looked like another night of tossing and turning and trying not to picture Tess next to me with her hair spread out across the pillow... I pulled out onto the road and made my way to the gym ready to work out some built up frustration.
Theresa Marshall was a woman worth waiting for and I was good at waiting.
Chapter 6
Tessa
My first session with Dr. Geoffrey on Thursday was awkward and frustrating to say the least. Being the matron saint of patience everyone knew I wasn't, I wanted to start making progress right away, but the doctor spent the entire appointment asking me questions about my friends, my family, my hobbies, and everything else that seemed to be irrelevant to what we truly needed to be doing.
He kept telling me that informing the other alters about my needs, and vice versa, would help. I kept reminding myself that he was the doctor and I needed to trust him, but my determination to figure out how to live with this overpowered everything else. Dr. Geoffrey noticed my frustration, but made no attempts to change the course he had set for the day. This made me want to shove that stupid silver pen--
"I want you to make an appointment to see me Monday, Ms. Marshall. I know you are anxious to get started on integration, but this kind of thing takes time, and integration may not be the answer. I don't want you to think that things will fall into place with a few sessions. It could take years." He walked me out to his scheduler and spoke slowly so I would have no choice but to accept his words. I was already aware of everything he was telling me, I just didn't like it. It wasn't a quick fix and that's what I wanted. My life had been upside down for too long and I was desperately trying to turn it over and find some kind of harmony.
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