by Marie Harte
“You’re married, Betty,” Zoe yelled after one of the cardiology MAs and tugged the card from Gavin. “You don’t need this.”
“Jealous?” His wicked grin startled her into laughing.
Then she forced a scowl. “I thought we said no one else while we’re being all friendly.”
His amusement left him. “About that. You know, it’s okay if you want to define me as your boyfriend to other people. I won’t take it the wrong way, and it might tell other guys to back off.”
“Oh? Is that what you’re calling me behind my back to other men at the gym?” she asked, expecting him to say no.
“Hell yeah. And it’s awesome, really. I’m a real stud now.”
“What?”
He nodded. “Everyone knows how focused and kind of snarly you are. Even Michelle has backed off on the flirting. Way to go, baby.”
She just stared. “So everyone thinks we have a thing going?”
“We do.” He toyed with his napkin. “Ah, did I do something wrong? I didn’t tell that many people, actually. Just the ones leering at your ass. It wouldn’t kill you to wear longer shorts, you know.”
It wasn’t as if Zoe was interested in anyone else. And Gavin’s declaration had put the gym bunnies off his tail. But now he seemed defensive. She loved it. “I don’t know. What if there’s a guy there I’m thinking about asking out? Now he’ll never go out with me because of you.”
Gavin leaned forward, no more teasing grin. “Is there?”
“Not right now.” When he relaxed, she added, “But there could be.”
“Sure, sure. When you find your next Mr. Right, let me know. Until then, you’re off-limits.”
“Okay, Tarzan” came out with more sarcasm than she’d intended.
“Ah, my woman knows her place. My Jane,” he said lovingly, his eyes limpid pools of longing.
“Ew. Sac up, Gavin.”
His guffaw turned several heads. “Man, I love that mouth. Sac up. Righto, sugar pants.” His phone rang, and he glanced at it, then quieted the phone.
“Do you need to get that?” Another woman, perhaps? His family? No one of importance, apparently.
“Nah. I’ll deal with it later. Now before I get to work, how about you show me your place? I mean, can I get a tour of the amazingly focused Zoe York’s office?”
She blinked. “You want to see where I work?” She stood to dispose of her plate, but Gavin beat her to it.
He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Is that a problem?”
“No, not at all.” A pleasant surprise. A man only interested in sex wouldn’t care about her workplace, her friends, or her feelings about her sister. Just what were she and Gavin, anyway? And why did the notion of them being close enough to be in a relationship make her so damn happy?
They crossed to her building, and she showed him around. As expected, her female coworkers gobbled him up with their eyes. Sweet smiles and lengthy handshakes abounded.
“Everyone is so nice here,” he said.
“Really? You’re buying all the insincerity?”
“Huh?”
“Gavin,” she said in a lower voice after pushing him past a gaping, blushing Ginny into her office, “they all want a peek at your tight abs and tighter ass. You’re man candy, and every woman out there knows it.”
He stared at her, and she wondered if she’d insulted him. She hadn’t meant to.
Then he walked toward her, took her chin in his hand, and kissed her. “You say the nicest things.” The kiss deepened, and she found herself clutching his waist, hoping not to fall into the river of lust she hadn’t realized she’d waded into.
A cleared throat showed Cleo at the door, not bothering to hide a smile. “I had one more question for you—about work, I mean—that I forgot to ask earlier.”
Gavin pulled away, caressed Zoe’s cheek, then groaned. “Guess I’d better go. See you later, Zoe.”
“Bye.” She dropped weakly into her chair and watched him leave.
Cleo watched as well, and when she turned back to Zoe, she gave a thumbs-up. “Oh my God, is that man fine! And that kiss.” She fanned herself. “I felt like it was the beginning of a very X-rated documentary. All we need is a massage table and essential oils, maybe a toy or two.”
“Shut up, Cleo.” Zoe worked to still her racing heart.
“Yes, Ms. York.” Cleo laughed. “Something I thought about after the meeting. Hey, I know this new implementation has you guys swamped. So do you need any help booking rooms for training?”
Brought back to earth, Zoe focused on her answers. An hour later, she found herself wondering what Gavin had planned for them later in the week. Then she decided to stop letting him make the decisions and devised an outing she hoped he’d enjoy. And one she knew she needed to take if she ever wanted to get over Aubrey being gone.
Chapter 10
Gavin leaned back on the couch, sitting up this time, while his therapist droned on about inner peace and finding one’s zen. Lee had helped him a lot. They’d worked out a payment plan, because weekly sessions with a shrink cost a pretty penny. It helped that Lee had been approved by the VA, but not enough to take away all the cost of an out-of-network doctor.
“Gavin? You’ve been pretty quiet today.”
Tall, thin, and prematurely gray, Lee had to be in his mid-forties. The guy had a quiet bearing and inner strength that would appeal to the mentally ill, as Gavin laughingly thought of himself. On a serious note, Lee was easy to talk to, nonjudgmental, and he’d helped Gavin learn to deal with stress, tailoring the sessions to Gavin as an individual. Because in psychology, as Lee liked to say, one size did not fit all. The office sat in the same building Ava worked in. That might have made Gavin uncomfortable if he hadn’t trusted one hundred percent in Ava and Lee as professionals.
“I met someone,” Gavin admitted, though he hadn’t intended to bring Zoe up.
“Oh?”
“She’s this woman I’ve been trying to talk to at the gym for months. Really nice, beautiful… Well, wait. Not too nice. She’s kind of smart-alecky.”
“And you like her.”
“Yeah, I do.” As a person, not just a woman he wanted to sex up.
“Right. Interesting, and something we’ll definitely discuss in just a moment. Just as soon as you answer my favorite question.” Lee paused, and Gavin knew what came next. “So how are you holding up?”
“With?” he asked, just to be contrary.
“The nightmares. Triggers in everyday life. Talking about your time in the service. Not the harsh wartime activity, but the good times with your fellow Marines. Remember, right now we’re all about stabilizing you. Getting you to a place where your coping mechanisms allow you to function without stress.”
Gavin squirmed. He hadn’t mentioned his cousin’s wedding at their last meeting. And he felt like he needed to. “I kind of had an issue at Mike’s wedding.”
Lee sat quietly. “Go on.”
“Mike’s my cousin. I told you about him a while ago. It was the Saturday before last. The wedding was really nice but crowded, mostly with family and people I know. I was dealing. Then I was talking to a few guys I didn’t know too well. They’re big, tough dudes with attitude.”
“There was a problem?”
“Well, not with feeling threatened by them. Not that I wanted the fight, but I pretty much already knew how I’d take them out if they came at me.” And he’d been confident he could incapacitate them before grabbing something heavy, maybe a knife—something to really take them out. “They got a little aggressive, thought I’d messed with a friend of theirs. Which I hadn’t. I’d just talked to the woman. Pretty, nice. Not my type.”
Lee nodded at him to continue. He didn’t take notes, but he listened. Super intense, that gaze. Like Gavin was the only one who mattered right now.
&n
bsp; “So anyway, I was still okay. Then the music got loud, thumping. Some techno crap that tapped into memories.” He hated when that happened, when bad scenes overwhelmed him. Gavin loved the USMC to this day. But he wasn’t a robot who could turn on and off that killing switch in his brain. He’d done his duty, but there’d been a cost.
“What did you do?” Lee asked.
“I breathed in and out, deeply. Calmed myself, reminded myself I was safe, that it was just music, and I was at another mandatory family wedding in Seattle. Not under a desert sun. Helped that the guys kind of backed away, so I had a place to move to if I needed it. But I pulled myself out of the moment. I was good.”
Lee smiled. “That’s great. So the breathing and focus are helping.”
“Yeah. It’s a lot better now. Plus I’m clearheaded. Not drinking or anything.” He paused. “And, well, it was weird, but when I was with Zoe, the girl I mentioned, we were gardening, and I felt that same kind of ease. I feel that way a lot when I’m with her.”
“Gardening is wonderful therapy for dealing with issues of posttraumatic stress, you know.”
“It is?”
“Yes. You’re getting your hands dirty, out in nature, under the sun.”
“In my case, the stars.”
Lee blinked. “Or the stars. You tap into Mother Nature, and something instinctual responds to that caring and nurturing. You were building, helping to create life.”
“Yeah.” He felt damn good about that. “I have a plant. His name is Leon.” Gavin grinned at Lee’s surprise. “He’s a lavender cutting Zoe gave me. I hooked him up with a bunch of lady flowers, and they look pretty damn good outside my front door.”
“Lady flowers? So your plant has a harem, eh?”
“Well, yeah. Though there might be a guy flower in there too. I’m game for my boy being an equal opportunity lover. Everybody wants Leon.”
Lee snorted.
“But in all seriousness, the gardening made me feel good. And Zoe…she, ah, she makes me feel that too. Not just because the sex is out-of-this-world fantastic either.” He was still trying to make sense of that incredible connection.
“So she’s different from those others before.”
Gavin had told Lee all about his flings and his growing dependence on booze. “Yeah. She’s special. We’re new to being together, but she’s fun. I feel good around her, clean. And as much as she makes me want to burst out of my skin when she’s around, ’cause she’s all kinds of sexy hot, she calms me too. I can’t explain it.”
“Because she’s more than a physical anchor. She’s become an emotional one.”
“I guess. Her sister died not long ago. And I know Zoe gets it. That she knows real loss. Zoe really loved her.”
“I see.” Lee leaned forward. “You’re still going to the gym?”
Change in subject, but okay. “Yeah.”
“And the nightmares? You didn’t say. Are they still with you?”
“Now that I think about it, not so much. I mean, I still have one occasionally, but not like all the time.”
“That’s good. You need to be prepared to deal with the resurgence when, not if, you get them. Anything can trigger you, even subconsciously. But the key is to not let it drag you back down, but to cope. Gardening is a wonderful tool I’d planned to mention in this session anyway. Another method of easing your worries is a pet.”
“A pet. Hell, I have Leon.”
Lee’s lips curled. “I meant something with fur or feathers. Dogs are wonderful, actually. Pets can be very therapeutic. The furry texture, that stroking, can be calming. And bonding with a living creature who loves you unconditionally, who accepts you for you are, is ideal.” He gave Gavin a hard look. “It’s so interesting how we can accept that kind of love from someone else, yet often we can’t give ourselves what we really need, out of some notion we aren’t deserving of that kind of devotion and affection.”
Gavin sighed. “Not this again.”
“We both know you won’t really begin to heal until you can accept that you’re allowed to be happy, to live a full life without any regret.”
“Aren’t regrets a part of living?”
“Sure. Like, I should have chosen the chocolate instead of the vanilla. Not, I wish it were me and not my friend in that grave.” Lee shook his head. “But we’ll talk about when you’re ready. Later. Now, something about this Zoe.”
“Yeah?”
“Are you sure you’re not replacing the relief you get from exercise with the joy of a new romance, with the physical side of sex?”
“A good question. I’ve thought about that a lot.” Gavin leaned back, staring at the ceiling with his head resting on the back of the sofa. “At first, it was about trying to get her to smile. I’d flirt, she’d ignore me. Tell me off. Then she became a challenge. It was when I backed off, figuring she wanted nothing to do with me, that we finally connected. But it wasn’t just sex at first, much as I wanted her. Now that we’re going out, kind of, I know it could end.” And that scared the piss out of him, but he wasn’t ready to tell Lee that yet. Because he wasn’t ready to admit it out loud to himself either.
“And that’s okay with you?”
“It would upset me, sure. She’s fine as hell, and she makes me laugh. But we’re not serious or anything. She’s the first woman who makes me feel good about myself, I guess. So yeah, if it ended, it might hurt.” Like having his heart ripped out through his chest with bare fingers.
“That’s what concerns me. You’re still learning to ground yourself. I think a relationship is healthy, Gavin. Don’t get me wrong. But I don’t want you to rely on her to make you feel good. You have to do that for yourself.”
“I get it. I really do.”
Lee seemed to relax. “Good. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?”
Gavin still wasn’t ready to discuss seeing his dead buddy’s sister at the grocery store a few weeks ago. Nor did he relish talking about his anxiety over Nicole, Mick’s widow, leaving him phone messages. Messages he still hadn’t listened to, because he couldn’t. Not yet.
“I’m good.”
“Okay then. Now sit up and show me how you meditate. Without all the bitching and moaning this time, I mean.”
Gavin groaned. “You still need to get laid. I just know when that happens, you’ll be much more fun to be around.”
As usual, Lee ignored his remarks. “Let’s see it, show-off.”
So Gavin got into the zone, but instead of keeping the world out and himself centered inside a warm golden cocoon of safety, he imagined Zoe’s smile building a wall around the pair of them.
* * *
Gavin saw Zoe’s text and smiled. He’d wondered when she’d push for a no-sex date. No doubt the stubborn woman thought she’d have to force him into spending time with her that didn’t end with some part of his anatomy buried in hers.
But the truth was, he wanted to spend time with her any way he could. After his session with Lee yesterday, he’d thought long and hard about Zoe’s impact on his life and his psyche. No way could he see her having a negative impact on him. Even if she were to dump him and break his heart into a million pieces tomorrow, he wouldn’t regret a second with her, and he wouldn’t turn violent, become a meth head, or start shooting at people from a rooftop.
She’d done nothing but enhance his life. If he’d learned anything from dealing with loss and from Lee, it was to appreciate what he had in the now. Not look for possible problems tomorrow.
While working at the gym, he ignored Mac’s insistence that he wear the double-XL gym shirt that had come in. He put in a solid eight hours, including a harrowing training session with Max Grenly, an eighty-nine-year-old athlete who wheezed through his exercises. Gavin kept waiting for the guy to have a heart attack, prepared to give CPR. But the old man only cracked jokes about the wome
n in his assisted living center and did his bicep curls like a pro.
Now cleaned up and ready to impress, Gavin waited for Zoe outside the Chihuly Garden and Glass exhibit in Seattle Center. Ava and Hope had mentioned it once or twice, but he’d rather have his teeth pulled than walk around a place decorated with glass. Personally, he didn’t care for museums. Unless someone mentioned the Pro Football Hall of Fame. And he still wanted to head to Lambeau Field in Green Bay to check out the statue of legendary coach Vince Lombardi in all his glory. But yeah, Zoe had chosen glass, which was basically melted-down sand. Whoop-dee-do.
He saw her coming and pasted a smile on his face. “Hey, baby.”
“Sweetums. How are you, Smoky?”
“Just dandy. I can’t wait to look at all this pretty glass.”
She snickered. “Come on. This is real art. Let’s go look around.” They bought their tickets and continued inside.
Sure, he could readily admit that whoever had made the amazing, colorful glass fixed to the ceilings and hanging in spikes had mastered his or her craft. But for seventeen bucks a ticket, he could have had two beers and fries while watching a Mariners game. And all while seated on his ass in a cozy little bar.
Zoe oohed and aahed over everything, and he slowly found himself oohing with her. Enjoying her pleasure in the sights. She reached for his hand, and he gave it gladly, walking with her like they were a real couple.
Maybe this art place wasn’t such a bad deal after all. The sun had begun to set, but even shadowed, the sculptures outside glowed with alien, fluidlike life. Blue spikes, tentacle-like spires, and round, meditation balls dotted the greenery like an alien landscape. Gavin and Zoe moved back inside, where the primary colors of glass molds and forms in the ceiling were cast down at them, providing a muted glow.
“This is just amazing,” Zoe said, her voice hushed.
“You can talk louder. It’s not church, you know,” he teased.
“Shh. Come on.” She tugged his hand, and they moved through the museum, stopping, staring, and commenting. Her childlike joy made him see it all through her eyes. And he loved every second of it.