by Marie Harte
“Obviously.” He smiled, loving her attitude. Still the same Amanda. “And what’s this? A ring?”
She smiled, showing off her engagement ring and bringing him up to date on her life. She worked as an executive at a finance place—Amanda had always been a brain—and had found the love of her life. He mentioned the gym, what he’d been up to, but he couldn’t bring himself to discuss Zoe. He needed to keep her separate, because he knew if he started talking about her, he’d fuck up everything he’d set out to accomplish today.
Nicole joined them and set down a platter of coffee and cups.
“Damn, Nic. I could have gotten those.” He frowned.
She gave him a beatific smile. “I missed you, Gavin. So bossy all the time. And it used to drive Mick nuts when you called me Nic, because he always thought you were talking to him.”
“Mick and Nic. Yeah, I know.” He chuckled, feeling a stab go right through his heart. Mick and Nic, sides of the same coin, they used to say. He saw the sadness in her eyes, but she muddled through and gave him a watery smile. “Good call on all the tissues.”
She laughed and blew her nose.
“You still sound like a goose when you do that.”
“Still a charmer,” Amanda teased, laughing and wiping away more tears.
“What about you, Nic? What have you been up to?” He hadn’t seen her kid. Wasn’t sure he could handle it, honestly.
“I’ve been super busy wrangling a toddler.” She made a face. “I was three months along when…well, when Mick left us. I had him last August, you know. He’ll be one in a two months.” She smiled. “He’s just like Mick. Eats a lot, throws tantrums, a real momma’s boy.” She wiped the tears on her cheeks. “Sorry. I’m not this weepy usually. It’s just seeing you brings it all back.”
“Yeah.” He nodded, his voice gruff. He blinked a lot, trying not to cry.
“Oh please.” Amanda shoved a tissue at his face. “It’s manly to cry, dipshit.”
He chuckled and wiped his eyes. “Jesus. Does your fiancée know what a hard-ass you are?”
“No, and don’t you tell him either.” She glanced at Nicole. “I—”
“So tell us about yourself, Gavin,” Nic interrupted. “Anyone special in your life?”
“What about you?” He ignored her question. “Amanda’s got a new man. How about you?”
She blushed. “No. It wouldn’t be right.”
“Bullshit.”
Both women looked taken aback by his outburst.
“What?” Nic leaned back.
“Mick, Luke, and I all knew the risks over there. We’d smoke and joke, but we all knew the score. Whoever made it back had to tell you ladies to move on.” He cleared his throat, knowing it shouldn’t have been him giving the rah-rah speech. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner, and that I missed the birth.” He felt like shit. “I-I was in a bad way, and I didn’t want you guys to see that. It was ugly. I was a huge ass, more than I usually am.” He tried to joke, but it fell flat.
“Oh, Gavin.” Nicole touched his shoulder, and it burned through the jacket.
“Gavin, no,” Amanda said.
He glanced around, finally seeing pictures of Nic and her baby, of Mick, of all the guys standing arm in arm around a keg. On a holiday, one where Amanda had shown up with a few giggly teenage girlfriends. Nic and her mom and dad with the baby, all smiling. But he could see the grief she carried, a weight around her neck he couldn’t make go away.
“Yeah. So you two need to cut that sad shit out right now. Amanda at least has a brain. Shocking but true.”
She smiled. “Gavin, not nice.”
“But Nic, you’re stupid if you hide away. You’re beautiful, smart, and you made a great kid.” He nodded to the mantel and all the pictures there. “Mick would expect you to go get laid at least.”
She blushed. Amanda laughed through tears.
“Well, he would. Always said you were insatiable.”
“That’s not true.”
“No, he said nympho, but we all knew what he meant.”
Nic smiled, and her joy made him hurt all the worse, because she should have been having a conversation with her husband, not his sorry ass. “Funny.”
“I mean it though. The part about you going out and finding someone to love. You’re so special, you and Amanda and Jane.” John’s baby girl, now four or five, if he recalled. “You’re the best of them,” he said, his voice breaking. He stood and paced. Gotta keep it together, man. Stop. Now they’re crying harder. “Sorry.”
“Oh, Gavin. I miss him so much.” Nic went to hug him, and he threatened to break into tiny pieces. Then Amanda hugged him too, all three of them locked in a crying, snotty embrace.
“If you wipe your nose on my shirt, I’ll slug you,” Amanda said, breaking the mood.
Thank God.
He chuckled and went to grab the tissues, passing them around.
“Okay, Gavin. I’ll go out and get laid right away,” Nic said and hiccupped, now smiling through her tears.
“Good. You do that.”
“You volunteering?”
He must have looked as horrified as he felt, because both ladies started laughing hysterically.
“Oh my God, your face,” Amanda said.
“Shut up.” This time he did wipe his nose on a sleeve—his own.
“I was kidding, Gavin. Ew. That would be like sleeping with my brother.” Nic made a face. “But maybe you should take some of our own advice. Find a nice girl.” She narrowed her eyes. “Or have you?”
He felt his cheeks heat. “There’s someone special. I like her a lot, but, well…” He shrugged. “She can do a lot better than me.”
Amanda frowned. “Is this where we’re supposed to chime in and list all your good qualities?”
“Hell no.”
“Because no one as handsome, strong, kind, and funny as you should ever have a girlfriend,” Nic teased.
“Yeah, those fine manners and that protective streak that any woman would kill to have are so yesterday,” Amanda said.
“Stop.” He wiped a hand over his mouth.
“And those gray eyes, that firm chin, that—”
A baby’s cry saved him.
“Thank God.”
Nic and Amanda snickered while Nic went to grab her baby.
“Seriously, Gavin. Let yourself find happiness.” Amanda socked him in the arm. “Because if I can get over my brother—the last member of my family standing—being gone, then you can too. How’s hunky Landon, by the way?”
He told her about his brother and Ava, about Hope and Theo. She laughed at Theo’s orange mohawk.
He glanced around. “What is taking her so damn long?” He was itching to leave, because he felt drained. As much as he loved seeing his friends’ family looking happy and living life, he needed to decompress from the tightness in his chest.
“Here I am. Had to settle him down.” She came out carrying a little blond boy. “This is little Mick. I call him Mikey.”
“Oh man. He’s so cute.” Mick, dude, your kid is incredible.
The boy saw Gavin and stilled. Big, brown eyes looked him over, and Mikey reached out a hand.
Gavin gave him a finger to grab onto. “Strong grip.”
“Like his daddy.”
Gavin swallowed the lump in his throat. “So he’ll be one in August?”
“Yep. August twenty-eighth.”
Mikey reached both arms toward Gavin. The boy let out a garbled command Gavin didn’t understand. But he knew what that reach meant.
“Go on.” She held the boy over.
Gavin took him, felt the unfamiliar weight of a child, and stared at the boy in wonder.
“Gavin, meet Michael Gavin Lucas Duncan. I also managed to finagle a John onto his birth certificate, bu
t it’s a little wordy to fit in there.” Nic smiled.
Shocked, he felt tiny hands on his cheeks, then his nose and hair. The boy wanted down, and Gavin followed the little guy’s orders without thought.
Then Nic hit him with another emotional two-by-four. “Gavin, can you… Can you tell us if it’s true how they died?”
“What?”
“The Marine Corps told us the men were in a routine convoy when they ran over land mines. That it was all over in an instant. No one suffered. That’s true, isn’t it? It wasn’t friendly fire or a cover-up, and they weren’t in agony when they died?”
“Fuck, Nic.” She was crying again. Amanda was wiping her cheeks too. “You know I wasn’t with them. I was in the medical bay—more like a tent. I was there for two weeks before it happened. Took another four before I could go back to active duty. And even then it was limited.” He took a deep breath, then let it out. “But I investigated the hell out of that incident. Talked to the few guys at the back of the convoy who survived. The roads should have been cleared. They still think we got faulty intel, that the insurgents talked to someone inside the camp and knew where we’d be heading eventually. If not Mick and the guys, then it would have happened to another convoy a day later.” He rubbed his eyes. “Such fucking bad luck. But they went instantly. No suffering, no pain.”
A flat-out lie, because they’d worked on John for hours but couldn’t save him. Mick had been thrown from the wreck and broken his neck, his body on fire. Luke immolated. No chance of saving him.
And all while Dumbass Donnigan lay on a stupid hospital cot, hearing the terrible news as it came in, and knowing he’d never see his friends for that promised poker game or their next shared liberty together. It had been the worst night of his life, up there with the first time he’d had to kill.
“I’m glad,” Nic said.
“Me too. Thanks, Gavin.” Amanda nodded.
“I know this wasn’t easy,” Nic continued. “And it might be too much to ask, but we’d like to see you every now and then. We love you, Gavin. We miss you. I know the guys are gone. We miss them too.”
“Even Luke,” Amanda teased. “Now who’s going to walk me down the aisle?” She paused. “I was planning to invite you to the wedding, if that’s okay.”
Oh fuck.
Nic grabbed his arm before he could flee. “But if you can’t, it’s okay,” she said, as much to him as Amanda, it seemed. “We love you, Gavin. Whether we ever see you again or not, you’ll always be a part of us.”
“Yeah.” Amanda nodded. “We love you. And we’re so glad you’re okay. With you and us around, the gang is always here with us. You know?”
“I do.” He was suffocating. “I, um, I need to go.”
“Sure.” Nic walked him to the door and tugged him into a hug before he left. “Be happy, Gavin. Have a good life. You deserve it.”
He nodded and left, knowing he’d never heard anything more untrue.
Chapter 18
Zoe didn’t know what to think. She’d gotten a text from Gavin saying he’d see her in a few days, that he had more to work out. Then nothing.
A call to Ava yielded a similar answer. Gavin hadn’t been at the gym either. Everyone wanted to know where he was, but no one had an answer other than the old not-feeling-well excuse he’d given Mac.
Zoe worried about him, but she’d also grown angry. She had no idea what bothered him because he didn’t talk to her. She could understand posttraumatic stress issues. The survivor’s guilt Landon had mentioned. She appreciated that Gavin had sought treatment for his problems.
But no communication with someone you loved didn’t make sense. Would this be the way of their relationship? Gavin had issues, so he’d disappear for days in a cone of silence, and Zoe would just need to deal?
So by Tuesday night, after four days of not one phone call, text, or message from Gavin, she’d gone from worried to nervous to angry. And still in love with the jerk.
A knock at her door surprised her. Had Gavin come to beg forgiveness after all?
Her heart thundered as she went to the door, glad she hadn’t undressed for bed yet. If Gavin thought they could take up their sexual play without talking this time, he’d be in for a rude surprise.
But the Gavin standing outside her door didn’t have sex on his mind. He had a hollow-eyed, gaunt look, and his expression made her want to cry. He cleared his throat. “Hi, Zoe. Can I come in?”
She stood back and let him enter, then automatically locked the door behind him. “Hi.”
He stood with his hands in his pockets, so unsure, so…lost.
“Do you want something to drink?” she asked.
“Water would be good.”
She grabbed some water and handed it to him. He took the glass, but then he put it on the counter and pulled her in for a hug.
The desperation in the gesture allowed her to swallow her anger. Instead she only wanted to alleviate his hurt. He held on tight, and to her horror, she felt her shoulder grow damp. From his tears?
She pulled back. “Gavin? Are you okay?”
Watery gray eyes blinked at her. “I’ve been better.”
“Sit down.” She took his hand in hers and sat with him. “Now what the hell is going on?”
He gave a short laugh, but there was no mirth in it. “God, where to start?”
He sat staring at her, studying her features with an almost hopeless, hungry look. As if she was all he ever wanted but could never have.
“Talk to me. Is this because I said ‘I love you’?” She hadn’t meant to ask that so soon. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put pressure on you.”
“But you did. And I’m glad.” He held her hand in his. “Zoe, I…” His eyes grew damp again. “Do you have any tissues?”
She hurried to grab a box and handed them to him.
“Thanks.” He blew his nose. “Been doing this a lot lately. Crying. I fucking hate it.”
“Oh, Gavin.”
“Don’t be nice to me,” he warned.
“I won’t.” He was breaking her heart, looking so sad and trying to be so strong. She blinked back her own tears. “So talk. What the hell happened, and where have you been?” And is this where you break up with me? God, please, no. Not when I’ve finally found you.
“A week ago, in a dark conference room in that snazzy hotel at your office party, you told me you loved me.”
“I do.”
“But you don’t know me. The real me.” He tapped his heart, looking so sad. “Zoe, you brought me back to life. You make me smile. Make me happy.” He sighed. “I wanted to be the guy that does the same for you.”
“So be that guy.”
“I thought if I could put the past behind me, could move on, I could give you what you need. But I’m such a fuckup. I don’t think I can.”
Panicked as well as concerned, she just listened.
“I talked to Lee a lot. He thought I wasn’t ready to confront the past. That I should learn to cope with it and deal with stress instead. But you didn’t. You went straight at your pain head on. You’re sad when you talk about Aubrey, but you don’t sweep away the hurt.” He grew more animated. “You love her; you miss her. You own that pain.”
“Yes.”
“You still miss her right now, but it’s an honest emotion. It’s real.”
Where was he going with this? And why did he worry her?
“When my friends died, when they got blown up because their convoy took the right trail instead of the left, it was awful. They didn’t survive. They were good guys, friends I’d grown up with. Guys I’d spent years in the Corps with. Some I’d even fought back-to-back with through the shit.” Tears streamed down his cheeks, but she didn’t think he noticed them anymore. He was looking at her, but not seeing her.
“And I was in a med unit. Because
I’d been shot on a mission. So they all died, but I survived. But why me? They weren’t out doing anything wrong. They weren’t crushing the people. Weren’t demolishing governments or stealing natural resources. They tried to protect, to do good.”
He hung his head in his hands.
She tried to touch his knee, but he pulled away and stood.
“Gavin, I’m so sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you, Zoe. I knew that when we started, but I thought… I’d hoped maybe I did. So I tried to deal with the past. I went to therapy. I saw Nicole and Amanda, the families left behind when Mick, Luke, and John died.”
Oh boy. “What happened?” she asked gently.
“They were happy to see me.” He looked puzzled. “Just laughing and crying and pleased that I was there. But I never should have been there. I did bad things, things a good man won’t do. I killed people, Zoe,” he whispered. “I was the best fucking sniper and special teams guy they had. I did my job. I struck first before the enemy could.” His tears came in earnest. “But Mick and the guys, they protected. They helped. They saved lives. And they died. So why did I come home? Why do I get to fall in love with the pretty girl? Why do I get a chance at a future when they’re in the ground?”
She wanted to comfort him, but he needed to get this out, a festering wound that would never heal until he did. Or so she hoped. She wanted like hell to get Ava over here, so that Zoe wouldn’t do or say the wrong thing.
Then Gavin broke down, just lost all strength and sagged to his knees, his head in his hands. He sobbed. Huge tears that left a gaping hole in her heart. “I don’t know. God, I don’t know.”
She hurried to him and took him in her arms, wishing him all the healing and love she could muster while she rocked him. “It’s okay, Gavin. I love you. You’re so worth it, baby. So worth it.”
He cried for the longest time, and she held him, easing him down so that his face sat on her lap and she stroked his hair. When he ceased, shivering, so still, she eased out from under him after replacing her leg with a pillow.
“Just wait here. I’m going to get a blanket, okay?”
He didn’t say anything, which concerned her even more.