by Sybil Bartel
Inhaling, his hands went to his hips. “Did you get my necklace for him?”
I nodded.
He shuffled his feet and hung his head. “I don’t want to be locked up, Elle.”
I bit back what I wanted to say. “I’m not sure what that has to do with me and Conner.”
He looked at me without lifting his head. “If I run, this is it.”
Ripples of anxiety spread through my chest. Jason had been in my life since I was sixteen. Despite everything that he’d done, I’d always assumed in some way, he’d be around. I hadn’t forgiven him for what he’d done. I didn’t know if I ever would. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to that.” What was worse? Conner having a dad he’d never see again or one that was in prison?
“You know this isn’t easy on me. If I get locked up, I won’t last a week. There’re LCs inside. If I run, I never see our son again. What do you want me to do?”
I took it as a rhetorical question but I couldn’t hold back all the bullshit I’d been through with him. “Why don’t you ask Marissa?” I bit out.
Jason nodded. “I deserved that.”
And a lot more but I wasn’t going to get into it further in front of Conner. “I need to feed Conner.”
Regret and sorrow written all over his face, Jason nodded. “I understand. Can I hold him?”
I kissed Conner’s forehead. “Give Daddy a big hug.” I handed a reluctant Conner over to his father.
Jason’s face lit up with his smile as he took him. “Hey, little man. Nothing makes Daddy happier than holding you, did you know that?”
“Daddy,” Conner whispered.
“Right here, buddy, right here.” Jason held our son tight and my heart broke.
I wanted to give them more than just this last hug as a memory. “Do you want to give him a bath while I get his dinner ready?” I didn’t know what else to do. Conner wouldn’t remember this. I didn’t remember anything from age two, but it was all I had. Something in the here and now that was part of Conner’s normal routine was the best I could offer.
“Whatdaya say, champ? Bath time with your daddy?”
Conner nodded and almost smiled.
“Everything you need is in the bathroom.” I turned toward the kitchen, fighting so many emotions that tears threatened.
“Elle?”
I glanced back at him.
“Your boyfriend, he got Marissa out. He brought her to me last week.”
Shocked, I stared. “Neil?”
“The tall one with the accent?”
Viking. “Yeah.”
“That’s the one. Marissa said he broke into the apartment where they were holding her, took down three LC prospects then brought her straight to me.”
I didn’t know what to say. “He’s not my boyfriend.”
Jason frowned. “Well, I just thought you should know. She’s fine.”
“I’m glad.” I forced the words out.
“Hey,” he said almost sharply. “You know if the situation was reversed, I would’ve done the same thing to get you back.”
I knew it was his version of an apology but he didn’t get it. He’d never get it. His choices had caused this. If he’d never gone prospect, if he hadn’t cultivated a relationship with an LC for years, if he’d gotten a legitimate job, none of this would’ve happened. And it wasn’t the same. I was the mother of his one and only child. I deserved more, so much more, but this was Jason and I knew his limitations. “I know. Start his bath. It won’t take me long to fix dinner. Are you hungry?”
“I could eat.”
“Okay.” I walked into the kitchen, trying to act as normal as possible, but Jason never came for dinner, he didn’t bathe Conner, and he didn’t stick around ever. So why was I feeling so devastated? I made Conner’s favorite yellow rice and threw some chicken nuggets in the toaster oven. A bagged salad later, I was plating the food when Conner came running out of the bathroom naked.
“Clean baby, clean baby!” He shouted the silly phrase Jason used to say after every bath when he’d lived with us.
I leaned over and kissed the top of his head. “Yes, you are. Now go get a pull-up before we sit down for dinner.” He ran into his bedroom as Jason came out of the bathroom.
Without a word, he walked right up to me and pulled me into his arms. Burying his face in my hair, he inhaled deeply. “I love you, Ariel. I love you like I’ll never love anyone else. I’m sorry I wasn’t more. For you, for Conner.”
My eyes filled with tears and a lump lodged in my throat. “We were young.”
He pulled back and took my face in his hands. “You’re a great mother. Better than I ever could’ve imagined. You’re going to do great by him.” His lips landed on mine and for one heartbreaking moment, my first love kissed me. Soft and so bittersweet, tears dripped down my cheeks and joined his kiss.
“Love you, baby, more than you’ll ever know. Raise our son.” He stepped back and turned toward the door.
“Jason.” Oh, God, this hurt. “Please, stay for dinner.”
His hand on the doorknob, he glanced over his shoulder and I saw every regret and the horrible weight of this heartbreaking decision in his tear-filled eyes. “I can’t, Elle. I just can’t. I’m sorry. Take care of Conner.”
“I never stopped loving you.” I choked on the whispered truth I didn’t want to admit even to myself.
His face softened but his grip on the door tightened. “I know, but you deserve better. You always did. Let yourself move on.” He quietly shut the door behind him.
“Mama?”
I swiped at my face then looked down at the best gift Jason had ever given me. “Are you ready for dinner, sweet boy?”
Conner glanced at the door. “Daddy?”
“He had to go to work,” I lied. “But I made your favorite dinner, chicken and rice.” I smiled wide, knowing it’d never be a substitute for his father’s smile. “And if you eat everything on your plate, we’ll have some ice cream.”
“Ice cream!” He climbed up on his seat at the table.
I discreetly took Jason’s plate away then joined my son. “Daddy might be gone for a while.”
“Work.” Conner shoved a chicken nugget in his mouth.
He didn’t understand now but one day I would explain it to him. “Yeah, work.” I choked down my dinner and by the time we had our ice cream, Conner’s eyes were drooping.
“Come on, sweet boy, time for bed.” I picked him up and carried him to his room but he started to fuss.
“Mama’s bed.”
I squeezed him tight and we both crawled into my bed. A few minutes later, he was softly snoring as I stroked his hair. Jason’s visit replayed and as I held my son, I realized I wasn’t sad for myself so much as I was sad for Conner. I grew up without a father and I swore I would never do that to my own kid, but I’d gone and done the same exact thing. Yes, Jason had made shit choices, but so had I.
I gently extracted my arm from under Conner’s head and was getting up to finish dishes when my cell vibrated with a text.
NC: Did you get the envelope?
A fresh wave of uninvited emotions hit me. The most surprising one was anger.
Me: Yes. You could’ve delivered it yourself. Also, you didn’t tell me you rescued Marissa.
NC: Your son’s father was more likely to leave if the girl was free.
He completely ignored the first part of my text. And I should’ve been pissed at his answer but I knew Jason. He would’ve left regardless.
Me: So that was your motivation for rescuing her? You wanted Jason gone? And nice evasion, btw
NC: I did not evade. And no, it was not the only reason.
Of course it wasn’t. Knowing what I knew about him now, he wouldn’t let a situation go if he could do something about it.
Me: Why did I even ask?
He ignored my question.
NC: Jannat told you I will be gone for two weeks
Jesus. She’d told him she’d called me?
And Viking hadn’t ended his text with punctuation. He always punctuated his texts.
Me: Is that a question or a statement?
The three little dots blinked like he was typing a response but then they disappeared.
I held my phone for a few minutes then reached to put it down just as another text came through.
NC: If you need anything while I am away, tell Luna.
Sure. Let me get right on that.
Me: Uh-huh
NC: You are being sarcastic. I am being serious.
Me: What else is new?
NC: Nothing.
Exactly.
NC: Except, I will miss your smart mouth.
I stared at the screen in disbelief.
The three dots appeared again.
NC: Good night, Ariella.
Not sure what to think or say, I typed a one word response.
Me: Night
I didn’t fall asleep for hours.
MY LEGS WERE SORE, MY feet were screaming, but my wallet was full. I walked out of the back entrance of the strip club and sighed. Only four hours until Conner would wake up but I almost had enough money for a down payment on a one-bedroom apartment I found a couple weeks ago. I glanced down as I pulled my keys out of my purse and when I looked up, I froze.
My heart slammed into my ribs then jumped up my throat.
Three weeks did nothing to dilute the effect he had on me. Arms huge, jaw set, gaze unwavering, Viking stole my breath but he looked different. Harder, bigger, edgier… more determined. “Neil.” My voice faltered.
He didn’t say anything but the impenetrable stare I’d dreamt about wasn’t its usual cold mask. It was dark and churning and the storm was threatening.
My stomach fluttered and anticipation left a desperate taste in my mouth. Every second of his hands on my body replayed in my mind and became movie screen big.
I clutched my purse to my chest like armor. “You’re back.”
He pushed off his truck and took a step toward me.
Not even the clothes on his body could disguise the rippling muscles or hide the sheer strength of him. Viking was a warrior. He’d always be a warrior and that terrified me but I’d never fully understood why until this very second. Warriors weren’t permanent. They didn’t give away their hearts. They took what they wanted and the collateral damage was the hearts of those they left behind, trampled in their wake.
This would be my life with Viking. He’d show up unannounced, leave unexpectedly and expect me to drop everything. I couldn’t live like that and Conner didn’t need to lose another man from his life. “What are you doing here?”
He took another step.
I didn’t want him to come closer. If he touched me, I would lose all my resolve. I needed to get in my car and drive away, but just the sight of him was making me want to beg him to stay. “I, um…” I palmed my keys. “It’s late, I gotta go.”
“You are frightened. Why?” His deep, quiet voice didn’t drift across the alley. It filled every dirty corner and blanketed it in hope.
“Glad you made it back safe.” Ignoring his question, I unlocked my car. “Babysitter and all, you know how it is.” I yanked my door open, barely aware of the words that were coming out of my mouth.
“Ariella.”
There it was. A thousand times sweeter than I’d remembered. Dominating and unapologetically foreign, he said my name with so much confidence, it made my knees weak. “I can’t do this.”
“Do what?”
I sucked in air but it didn’t help. I was crumbling. I didn’t have any defense against a man who spoke my name like I was his queen but fucked me like I was his whore. I couldn’t compete with his intelligence or integrity. I couldn’t even hold my own against his alphaness. My purse clutched to my chest, my keys in my hand, I prayed for an ounce of the conviction he was radiating. “With you. Pretend.”
“I do not want you to pretend.”
“That’s just it. It’s want to you. It’s always about want. You want and you get. But my life, it doesn’t work that way. I don’t get to want. I don’t get to hope. It just is. I’m Conner’s mom. That’s it. I can’t be any more.” How come he didn’t understand that? “I can’t be what you want.”
“You are what I want.”
I closed my eyes for a brief second and simply soaked it in. Viking, warrior, he wanted me. But I couldn’t forget on what terms. He didn’t want to be a father figure, he didn’t want attachments, he wanted someone to fuck. I sucked in a breath and the words I’d so desperately wanted to hear from him became too heavy to hold in. “You said no attachments. You lied to me.”
“I told you why. I am not repeating myself.”
“You told me why you said no attachments but you never explained why you lied to me. About Jannat, about the scar on your chest. You didn’t even tell me about Marissa.”
“I never lied.”
Technically, he was right, I knew that, but I couldn’t play this game anymore. Nothing had changed except he had a piece of paper saying he wasn’t married. What was I going to do? Move into the spot his ex-wife vacated? Wait while he traveled around the globe saving other women? He was doing us both a favor when he’d told me to not get attached. I didn’t listen at first, but now I was. “I’m tired and I don’t want to fight. I’m going home. Glad you made it back in one piece.” I waved like it was normal as shit to wave at a man like Viking and got in my Land Cruiser. The old engine purred to life because of him and I pulled my door shut.
“Ariella.”
I didn’t want to hear another word, I couldn’t, because I would break down and give him whatever he wanted just to feel his hands on me one more time. I floored it out of the alley without once looking back.
Every second of the drive home, my heart pounded and my hands shook. I didn’t dare look in the rearview mirror but I knew he was close. His determination when I’d shut the door had been so palatable, I could taste the singular emotion as it slid down my throat and lodged in my chest. Viking wasn’t going to walk away from a battle.
I pulled up to my apartment and a second later, his huge truck parked beside me.
“Damn it,” I whispered.
I glanced at the stairs but in the few seconds it took for me to calculate if I could outrun him, he was already out of his truck and rounding the Land Cruiser. He didn’t hurry, he didn’t rush, his gaze focused on mine, and he strode purposefully.
My door opened and spice and musk assaulted me like a silent weapon and I tried to fight back. “You said you wouldn’t chase me.” Weak and thready, my voice gave away my nerves but I still accused him. And once I started, I couldn’t stop. “There’s nothing in my life that’s constant except your resoluteness. You don’t get to take that away from me. You make promises and you keep them. That’s how this works. You can’t chase me.”
He released my seat belt and his giant hands grabbed me by the waist. He didn’t speak. He didn’t apologize. He pulled me out of my car, my back hit the side of the old Land Cruiser and the storm that was Viking surged.
His lips landed on mine and his fingers sank into my hair as his palms cupped my face. Hot and dominating and unforgiving, he invaded my mouth and plundered me.
Nothing in my memory of the other time he’d kissed me came close because this wasn’t him kissing me. This was a Viking showing emotion. His body bowed protectively around mine, his grip assaulting, he swept his tongue through my mouth with a frightening gentleness so pure, it arched my back and settled in my heart.
My hands went around his neck and my fingers sought the only soft part of his body as they threaded through his hair. The very idea that Viking was letting me touch him this way, intimately, passionately, it fueled my desire almost more than the expert sweep of his tongue as he took exactly what he wanted from me.
He pulled back only enough to utter one command. “Upstairs.”
“Keys,” I panted, breathless.
He simultaneously cupped me and reached in
side my car. Grabbing my purse and thrusting it at me with one hand, his other gripped me through my jeans and his thumb perfectly stroked my clit.
“Ohmigod.” I took my purse with one hand and fisted a handful of his hair with the other as I shoved my hips into his touch.
He took my keys out of the ignition and slammed my door shut. “Where is Conner?” He pressed his thumb down harder.
“Upstairs, asleep, babysitter.” I couldn’t even form a sentence.
“Turn,” he demanded.
I spun.
His whole hand squeezed my pussy through my jeans then ran up my stomach, over my ribs and palmed my breast. Pinching my nipple, he pressed down hard until my back landed against his chest.
I ground my hips, aching for contact, but his hands moved to my waist and stopped me. Propelling me forward, he led us to the stairs. Desire pulsed between my legs with every step and by the last flight, my jeans were soaked. I was out of breath and Viking’s heat at my back was making me tremble in anticipation.
The last two steps, he lifted me clear off my feet as if impatient with my smaller strides, and set me down in front of my door. His arm came around my waist as he used my keys to unlock my door and push it open.
The teenage babysitter who lived a floor below sat up groggily from the couch but when she saw Viking, she stiffened. “Hey,” she squeaked awkwardly. “Conner didn’t wake up tonight.”
“Great, thanks.” I reached in my purse to pay her but Viking was quicker. Without a word, he held a folded hundred out to her and nodded once.
Her eyes widened but she took the money. Scooping her backpack off the floor, she practically ran out of the apartment.
“You overpaid her.”
Viking locked the door and uttered one word. “Bedroom.”
I didn’t even have time to take a step. He shoved my purse off my shoulder and his hands were back on my waist. He propelled me toward my bedroom and suddenly, I needed to know what this was, what we were. “We should talk.”
He closed my bedroom door behind us and briskly swept my hair off my shoulders. His thumbs ran up my neck then slowly down between my shoulder blades as he increased the pressure. “About?” He massaged my back.