by Becky Lower
“What is wrong, Pepper?” He reached across the carriage to take one of her hands in order to stop her wringing movements. She shook her head, yet said nothing.
“I know you appreciated the opera, but I have a feeling this is more. Are you regretting that Michael couldn’t be here with you?”
Again, she shook her head. Her eyes were shut as she leaned back against the seat while a few tears escaped and cascaded down her face.
“Please tell me, then, what it is that so distresses you.” He took hold of her other hand and stared at her.
She opened her eyes, finally, and blinked the tears away. “It’s not the play, and not the memory of Michael that has caused me sorrow this evening. It’s because it’s been such a long time since I’ve enjoyed myself. Since I’ve realized there is something else in this world besides the war. I have you to thank for that.”
He stared at her a minute longer, then dropped to his knees in front of her. The carriage swayed softly beneath them.
“Then I hope I’m not out of line by wanting to end the evening with this.” He cupped his hand around the back of her neck and pulled her into a kiss that had been building for far too long.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Elijah had been thinking a lot about his evening outside the hospital as his long stride ate up the hallways when he made his rounds. The night at the opera had rejuvenated him in more ways than one. Granted, the evening had reminded him there was a life outside the hospital doors. But beyond that, he realized he was falling in love with Pepper Brown. His pulse raced like an out-of-control locomotive whenever he thought of her. Her alabaster skin and perfect profile were offset by shimmering black hair and piercing blue eyes. It was as if she were a porcelain doll come to life. Beyond her physical appearance, though, he admired her strengths. She was as firmly entrenched in the Army hospital as he was, with her physical therapy program, which she’d devised and taken on willingly, in the hopes of lightening one man’s recovery from his war wounds. Elijah’s respect for her grew every time she worked with Daniel, who would soon be released from the hospital to head back to his family’s farm in Kentucky, where, with the help of his prosthetic leg, he could pull his share of the load. And she had discussed with him her work outside the hospital with the War Widows Pension fund and her desire to help those widows less fortunate than herself.
But it was more than her gentle strength with Daniel and the war widows that made Elijah’s heart race. It had been over a year since she lost her husband at Bull Run. The way she handled her trio of young boys without a husband to help her was admirable. The boys were well-behaved, if a bit rambunctious, and Elijah truly enjoyed being around them. Which was fortunate, since Pepper and her boys were a package. He couldn’t entertain thoughts of deepening his relationship with her unless he could accept the all-too-real possibility of becoming a second father to those lads. Was he willing to be more than just a friend at the park to them? More than someone to talk with about their toy boats and to help them see the benefit of peas?
Yes, he was. When he’d knelt in front of her in the carriage and captured her bow-mouth for the first time, he realized she was the breath of air he’d needed to keep his nightmares at bay and to keep him alive. He cursed his luck that the carriage came to a stop so soon after they began their kiss. He had lingered long enough for a second kiss before he returned to his feet, opened the door, and helped her out. Then he walked her to the door of her home, where they’d kissed again. If he could have her kisses for the rest of his life, he’d willingly take on the three boys. And hope for another.
His thoughts were making his manhood stir. When was the last time he’d even thought about sex? Way too long ago. With any luck, if the war finally ground to a halt or slowed down, he could carve out time to properly court her. Maybe take her to a New York restaurant such as Downing’s or Delmonico’s for some of their fine cuisine. It had been ages since he’d sampled food other than hospital fare and what Pepper brought from her home.
As if hearing his thoughts, a soft knock came at the door, and Pepper strode in with a basket of wonderfully fragrant food from her cook’s kitchen. She had on a striped gown this morning, in shades of blue, which matched her eyes. He could not control his grin.
“Hello, Mrs. Brown.” His gaze caressed her as she entered the room. She came close to him, her arms full. He wasn’t about to miss any opportunity, so he wrapped an arm around her waist and drew her in for a kiss. His eyes closed, and he allowed himself to luxuriate in her nearness, to capture her mouth and plunder it, to feel her warm body next to him. As feelings too long absent washed over him, he grinned again. He’d only thought he’d been hard before.
“Good morning to you, Colonel Williams. You’re certainly feisty today.” Her arms were still full, and he swooped in for another kiss before she backed off slightly.
“I enjoyed the opera the other night.” His voice held a tinge of huskiness as he tried to control his lustful feelings. She bustled about the room, clearing off the desk and setting the basket of food down.
“As did I. It was a lovely evening.”
“In fact, I had such a good time, I think I need to escape the confines of the hospital more frequently. We should go out to dinner, and I have a craving for some of Downing’s oysters.” He tried to keep his voice light so if she rejected him, she wouldn’t realize how much it affected him. He again came to her side. And noticed as she took a step back.
“Downing’s is a family favorite. Perhaps, sometime after the holidays are over, we could invite my parents to join us?”
“I have to wait until January to have dinner with you?”
Pepper rolled her shoulders. “I don’t want to give you the wrong impression, Elijah. I enjoyed our evening at the opera, too, but I think you want to move things along at a pace I’m not comfortable with. I’m not in the market for a replacement husband, as much as the boys need a father.”
Elijah stared at her. “I guess I did misinterpret things, then. I apologize.”
“I promised my boys they’d have a normal Christmas this year. Last year, I couldn’t be seen in public, enjoying myself with my children. They are the ones that suffered, thanks to society’s dictates. So I’m making up for it this year. We’re going sleigh riding in the park, we’ll ice skate until we drop, we’ll light the Yule log and decorate the house from the roof to the basement with Christmas trimmings.”
“I see. So, it’s to be just family, then?”
Pepper searched his face. “I’m not intentionally excluding you, Elijah. It’s just that I owe it to my boys to do Christmas in style this year. The focus has to be on them, and them alone. To make up for so many things. But, as I said, after the holidays, my parents can accompany us to Downing’s, if you’d like.”
“As long as you’re sitting next to me, I have no objections to sharing you with your parents.” He smiled at her.
“I’ll talk to my mother about it. Right now, though, I must get to work. I have many men waiting for some attention from me.”
She stepped back. Now that they’d kissed, more than once, he had no intention of letting another gentleman steal her away. She was right. There were too many other men vying for her attention, right here in the hospital. The men she had so much compassion for. He ground his teeth as he ran a hand down her sleeve.
“I know your time here at the hospital is limited and you need to address those men you are helping. But you need to know where I stand. You are the first woman since my wife died for whom I’ve developed feelings. And that’s not something to be taken lightly. I won’t be put off for long.”
She stared up at him, her blue eyes sparkling. “I don’t take it lightly. Any more than the fact you’re the first man since Michael that I’ve enjoyed being around. But I have more than myself to consider. I am the first of the war widows in New York, and I have an obligation to help those who have been unfortunate enough to follow in my footsteps. And those who have yet to follow. Then, th
ere are the boys. I must think about what’s right for them. And the holidays are a perfect time for reflection, don’t you think?”
He held her hands and squeezed lightly. “As long as you don’t let another woo you away before you come to the right conclusion, take all the time you need. But I can be a most impatient man.”
• • •
Pepper set down the bandage she was rolling in her mother’s parlor. She’d been unsettled since her encounter with Elijah at the hospital a few days prior. The dancing butterflies seemed to be trying to outdo one another. It was as if they were executing a Volta, an old leaping dance, instead of a graceful waltz in three-quarter time.
“Mother, may we talk?”
“Of course, Pepper. Are we to talk about your dashing colonel?”
“He’s not ‘my’ colonel, Mother.”
“That’s not what Mabel Wentworth tells me. She said the colonel was fairly glued to your side at the opera the other night. She told me he wasn’t even aware there was an opera going on, since he never moved his eyes from you during the entire third act.”
Pepper smiled slightly. “You know Mabel has a rather large tendency to exaggerate.”
Charlotte shrugged. “I have a feeling, though, in this particular case, she was right. You’ve had a glow about you for the past week. Want to tell me what happened at the opera?”
“Nothing happened at the opera. He was the perfect gentleman. He and I got refreshments during the intermissions, and he held my hand during the tragic ending. That’s all.”
Her mother fixed her gaze on Pepper, who resisted the urge to bite her lip.
“Somehow I believe there was more to your evening than a simple hand-holding.”
Pepper broke their eye contact and studied the pattern in the carpet. The butterflies had multiplied and were leaping over one another. She’d never been any good at keeping secrets from her mother.
“Yes, there was a bit more.” Pepper whispered her answer.
Charlotte dropped her rolled bandage and clapped her hands. The bandage rolled off the table and trailed out over the carpet. She grabbed Pepper in a warm hug. Pepper clung to her for a moment, inhaling the familiar, comforting scent of lilacs, her mother’s favorite cologne.
“I’m so pleased. Couldn’t have made a better choice if I’d picked him out for you myself.”
“I believe you did have a hand in us finding each other, Mother. Don’t pretend to be the innocent. And don’t make more of this than it is. We went to the opera. That was all.”
“Well, from where I’m standing, it seems like a lot more. All I did was introduce the two of you. I had absolutely nothing to do with inviting him to dinner or the opera.”
Pepper backed out of her mother’s embrace. “Your fingerprints are all over this, Mother. You’ve been more than willing to take care of the boys while I put in extra time at the hospital. I’m sure it’s your way of engineering meetings between Elijah and me.”
“So quit being so offended by my actions and let me be offended by yours. Spill the details. Tell me what happened to have you in such a flutter.”
“He kissed me.”
Charlotte took Pepper’s hands. “I couldn’t be happier. And what else?”
“I kissed him back.”
Charlotte’s fingers squeezed Pepper’s. “Oh, my.”
Pepper removed her hands from her mother’s grasp and rose. She paced around the small room as she talked, her pace keeping time with the fluttering wings in her stomach.
“That’s what I mean, Mother, and it’s why I’m so out of sorts. When Michael and I were first dating, I would never have even thought of being so forward.”
Charlotte tapped her teeth with her finger before she waggled the finger at Pepper. “But you’re no longer an innocent, dear. You’ve been married and had three children. You know what passion is, and what love is. There’s nothing wrong with your actions.”
“But surely there must be! I don’t usually carry my heart on my sleeve. Yet, yesterday, when I went to the hospital, I kissed him again! He must think I’m a hoyden.”
Charlotte laughed. “I highly doubt that, my dear. I believe he finds himself as attracted to you as you are to him. And he’s wonderful with your boys. The way he got them to both eat their pea soup was delightful to see. I think he’d be an excellent choice as a husband for you.”
Pepper increased her pacing. “I’m very conflicted, Mother. Even when I was having a wonderful time at the opera, I thought about Michael. Not only him, but all the men who are marching through the South, robbing supply trains, sleeping in flimsy tents in the frigid air, being sick, and missing their loved ones. There may not be any large-scale battles going on right now, but it doesn’t mean our men are sleeping with a roof over their heads and warmed by a wood stove and a good woman.”
It was more than the men off fighting, or the ghost of Michael, which had hold of Pepper. She was afraid of her feelings toward Elijah, and her mind and body were sounding a retreat. It worked for the men in the war when they realized they could not win. And she feared she was fighting a losing battle herself. She didn’t want to love again. It hurt too much when they died, and she couldn’t stand to lose someone else she loved. Yes, it would be better to not again experience love.
Charlotte fixed a hard stare on Pepper. “I admire your compassion for the men who are still fighting, but you can’t use your compassion to deny yourself some drop of happiness. You know the mantle of martyrdom doesn’t sit well on your shoulders.”
Pepper lifted her shoulders, as if to foist off the mantle her mother had just described. “No, I realize I owe it to myself, and to the boys, not to bury myself in my grief. But, because of what Michael went through, and what these men in the hospital are experiencing, I think any joy I might find with Elijah would be wrong.”
Charlotte reached out and brought one of Pepper’s hands to her own cheek. “On the contrary, darling. You must grab on to whatever joy you find, especially in these rough times. Michael would have wanted you to move on, to provide a father figure for his boys. I think the colonel is a wonderful choice.”
“I can’t simply let go of the life I had with Michael. This is more than cleaning out his closet. Maybe I loved too hard. Maybe I used up my right to happiness with him. Maybe … ”
Charlotte grabbed her daughter into a hug. “Maybe you’re thinking too much about this. The colonel is a good man, and if he’s the right man, he’ll give you the space you need to figure it out on your own.”
“You know Papa has a different opinion of him.”
Charlotte’s eyes lit up in amusement. “It would not be the first time your father and I were at odds with each other. So, what will you do?”
“Elijah wants us to go to Downing’s for dinner, the four of us, and I put him off until after the holidays. I need time to sort things out, and the boys need a good Christmas memory. We barely celebrated at all last year. So, from now until the first of the year, my children and their happiness are my first priority. And, if I can determine during the next month what I want for the rest of my life, so much the better.”
Pepper picked up on the worry on her mother’s face. “What is it, Mother?”
“Somehow, I think it’s a mistake to wait an entire month to go out again. All you’re doing is giving Mabel Wentworth’s daughter an opportunity to swoop in and steal him away.”
“And if he’s so easily swayed by another, it’s best to know that now, don’t you think?”
Charlotte ran her hand down Pepper’s arm. “I would hate for a man such as Elijah to have his head turned by another. Put him off until after the holidays if you must. Just be certain why you’re procrastinating. Don’t use your sons as a reason for not getting involved with another man. And don’t use being one of the first war widows in the city as an excuse, either. The colonel is a good catch. After all, he deals with women every day, with the nursing staff and the volunteers. He hasn’t shown an interest in anyone else
that I’m aware of. Keep making your visits to the hospital, but make certain every time you’re there, he gets a reminder of what awaits a patient man.”
Pepper smiled. “He told me he could be a most impatient man.”
“So much the better, dear.”
Pepper glanced at her mother. “So, would you and Papa join us for dinner at Downing’s after the first of the year, then? And try to talk some sense into Papa so he doesn’t accost poor Elijah again?”
Charlotte tapped her cheek with a finger. “Of course, dear. And, if you’re willing, I’ll arrange for Rosemary or Saffron to take care of your boys. You can bring them here for the evening.”
“What are you saying, Mother?”
Charlotte grinned. “I’m saying you’re not an innocent, and it’s been way too long since you let a man into your bed. By removing the boys for the evening, I can assure that your house is empty after Downing’s and help you set the stage. You know Mr. Downing is famous for his oysters. And the conventional wisdom is they act as an aphrodisiac. Your colonel might be in the mood for more than a kiss after dinner.”
Pepper could sense her cheeks flushing. But she also had to admit her thoughts, when she let them wander, had meandered into the same waters where her mother’s now presided. To say she was conflicted was an understatement. She doubted if a month would be long enough to resolve her feelings.
“You are outrageous, Mother. I may not be an innocent, but I’m also not a loose woman. The boys will stay at home. And, if I invite the colonel in for a nightcap, the only thing he’ll be getting is a tumbler of liquor.”
“Or another sort of a tumble. After all, you have a month to plan for the evening.”
Her mother gave her a Cheshire-cat grin as Pepper groaned and stomped out of the room.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Pepper tried to put Elijah out of her mind. She and Halwyn took the boys to the Christmas-tree vendor a few blocks from the brownstone. As the boys ran from one tree to the next, squealing in delight, Pepper’s thoughts were a million miles away. It shouldn’t be Halwyn here with her and her sons. It should be Michael. And, if not him, it should be Elijah. She gasped as her thoughts rioted down the road her body was loath to travel. She couldn’t bear having her heart broken again. Could she? There would be no answers for her today. Instead, she turned her attention to the huge decision of which tree to buy. Halwyn and the boys weighed the benefits and drawbacks of each tree until they finally chose the exact right one and dragged it home.