“Jake, you’re still grieving and all the anger you’ve built up inside of you is a huge part of it. Don’t you think it’s about time we talk about the baby?”
Silence falls between us and I start to wonder if he’s going to acknowledge me at all when he finally speaks.
“You really want to go there?”
There’s an underlying threat which is lurking beneath his question. It’s been several months but neither one of us has ever discussed what happened and the fact that I’ve brought it up right now is an extreme risk for me to take.
“Jake, I don’t want to go there but we have to. If we want to come to terms with the abortion, we need to discuss it.”
The last thing I want to do is remember. Jake has no idea how agonising it is for me to even mention the choice I made several months ago. The strange part is that it didn’t feel like a choice at the time, it felt like my one and only chance when it came to survival. Each morning I would wake up with this dark, terrifying, all-consuming dread in the pit of my stomach. It would make me feel nauseas all day and I know that was caused by fear.
I used to think I knew what it meant to be afraid but the truth is I never did. I didn’t realise what fear was until I was faced with a pregnancy I was not ready for. I felt completely trapped and confined within my own body and what was going on inside my mind was what kept me imprisoned.
The isolation I experienced nearly drove me insane, suffocating me until I could breathe in was my own misery. I was absolutely terrified that I would drown inside my own madness as the days passed by and Jake continued to put more distance between us.
It was Carla who accompanied me to the hospital when it was time for the termination. Jake didn’t come anywhere near me for several days after that, refusing to look at me for the longest amount of time. I truly thought our relationship was broken and started to panic, wondering where on earth I would go and how I would survive on my own.
That’s what forced me to contact Callum…
“I… I don’t think I can.” Jake whispers, pulling me out of my deep contemplation.
“We have to, Jake. We need to try and put this behind us so we can move forward together.”
“What the hell do you expect me to say?!” He snaps harshly, unable to conceal his frustration.
“That you forgive me.” I reply calmly. “I want you to tell me that you understand and that you don’t blame me for doing what I had to do to survive.”
“Baby, there’s nothing to forgive.” He says, stroking the side of my face with his hand. “It takes two people to start a pregnancy but I’m still the one to blame. I knew the risks but went right ahead, choosing to be selfish when I should have put you first. Taking your virginity without any protection is the most self-centred thing I’ve ever done and it will haunt me for the rest of my life because I know it was my fault. I need to take responsibility for what happened, not you.”
“Jake, don’t you see that thoughts like that are unhealthy? They’re going to tear us apart if we don’t try to control them and fix this. No one is to blame for what happened… it’s just life. People make mistakes, we make bad choices and regret the decisions we’ve made but that doesn’t mean we should continue to punish ourselves for the rest of our lives.”
“God, I’ve made such a mess of everything!” He yells, turning his back on me. “I despise myself when I think about the way I’ve treated you over the last few months. You didn’t deserve any of it and I want you to know how sorry I am for not being there.”
I rake my fingers through my hair, grateful that we’ve finally managed to address the issues which have been tormenting us for so long. Before tonight, I felt completely detached from Jake. We had become complete strangers with one another, unable to communicate and utterly consumed by our sadness.
“Just hold me.” I plead with him, waiting for him to pull me into his warm embrace.
He does as I ask and presses his body against mine. I can feel his heartbeat pounding against his chest, hammering so hard it takes my breath away.
“How can someone as magnificent as you choose someone like me?” He asks, pulling away from me so he can stroke my hair back. “I’ll never understand it.”
“You’re the man I love and the man I can’t exist without.” I remind him, speaking truthfully. “Being with you isn’t even a choice, Jake. It’s the way it has to be.”
“I left you alone in this.” He says, sounding vulnerable and helpless. “I wasn’t there for you when I should have been, deliberately ignoring the pain you were going through because I was too scared to face my own.”
“None of that matters now.” I soothe him, whispering softly. “What matters is we still have each other. We still have our future together and we can still have a baby… one day.”
“That’s two of them I’ve failed… the baby I was going to have with Sarah and ours.”
“Please stop thinking that way.” I beg him. “Sarah had a miscarriage which can happen to anyone and you know the termination wasn’t your fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault either.” He responds firmly, forcing me to look up at him. “You weren’t well at the time and did what you had to in order to survive. I finally understand that now.”
“What made you change your mind?” I ask, remembering the last few months I’ve spent with Jake when he could barely even look at me, let alone speak to me.
“I was hurting so bad, struggling to understand how a part of us was no longer here. I took all of my frustrations out on you but that was wrong of me and unforgivable.” He explains, sighing wearily.
“God, I’ve really missed you.”
“Shh, baby… it’s all going to be ok. Come here.”
He cradles me in his arms, stroking my hair as I bury my face against his chest.
“Don’t leave me again.” I beg him, wiping away my tears. “I need you.”
“Look at me.” He orders, tilting my face up towards his. “Bethany, look at me.”
I pull away from him so I can do as he asks, gazing up at him intently.
“I will never leave you, do you understand? No matter what difficulties we might face or how hard you push me away. I love you and nothing on this earth is strong enough to keep us apart.”
We stay like that for several minutes, reacquainting ourselves with one another as we try to fix what we allowed to become broken.
I long to heal us both, knowing I must lead the way when it comes to saving us both. Jake has saved me so many times, it’s now my turn to rescue him. I know I can do it and I make a silent vow to do so when I’m in his arms, promising myself that we will find happiness in each other again.
“I best go and see how Carla is.” Jake informs me, interrupting our silence. “She’s been in there for a while.”
“Gosh, I completely forgot about her being through there.” I confess, feeling guilty.
“I’ll be right back.”
Jake disappears through the doorway which leads into the next room, calling Carla’s name several times before he comes back.
“She’s not there.” He notifies me, sounding worried.
“What do you mean? Where else would she be?”
“I don’t know but she’s gone.” He retorts sharply. “I have to go and find her.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“No, I don’t want you to leave this room.”
“But why?”
“I don’t want you anywhere near the guys who come to see these fights.” He reminds me, sounding determined. “It’s not safe.”
“But is it safe for you to leave me in here?”
“I’ll lock the door behind me.” He assures me, attempting to leave.
“Jake, please…”
“Bethany, I have to find my sister. I don’t even want to think about what might happen to her in a place like this. Please do this for me and agree to stay here.”
He awaits my response, clearly agitated and alarmed by his sister’s di
sappearance. I realise I can make this easier on him or harder and decide to be selfless so Jake can go ahead and search for her without worrying about me as well.
“Ok.” I agree, still somewhat reluctant.
“Alright, baby. I’ll be back soon.”
He kisses me on my forehead before leaving, locking the door behind him. I stand still for a few moments, unsure about what I should be doing. I know Jake just wants me to sit here and wait but that also makes me feel pretty useless and incompetent.
I pace back and forth, wondering where on earth Carla is. It’s not like her to just vanish and I can’t keep myself from thinking that something bad might have happened to her.
Jake still isn’t back fifteen minutes later and I’m close to despair. I don’t know what to do and I panic even more when I realise that I’ve left my phone at home. I start to fear that I’ll be locked in here all night when the door to the room where Carla was waiting suddenly swings open.
I inhale sharply when I realise it isn’t Jake… it’s his opponent from the fight.
He crashes into the room, stumbling over his own feet as he enters. He reeks of alcohol and can barely stand up, struggling to focus on me as he holds onto the wall so he can steady himself.
“Where is he?” He demands, invading my personal space so I’m forced to move backwards.
“Who?” I ask, pretending that I don’t know who he’s looking for.
“Don’t play dumb with me. Where’s Jake?”
“He…he’s not here right now.” I stammer nervously, glancing at the locked door behind him.
I have no means of escape and soon find myself pressed up against the wall by the imposing man in front of me. He’s drunk, angry and wants revenge for his humiliating defeat. It’s a lethal combination and my instincts are screaming at me to get the hell away from him.
“I guess you’ll have to do.” He slurs, grazing his repugnant lips down the side of my face. “I need someone to take my frustrations out on.”
“I’ll scream if you touch me.” I warn him, pressing my palms against his chest in an attempt to put some distance between us.
“That’s ok.” He growls, pinning me in place so I can’t move. “I want you to scream.”
“Jake!” I yell, screaming at the top of my lungs.
I continue to cry out his name, praying to God that he will somehow hear me.
“Think of him if you want, it’s not like I mind.” He says, curling his fingers around my neck. “So long as I’m the one who is deep inside of you tonight.”
His salacious manner makes me want to throw up. It’s like I’m being forced to relive that terrifying night I experienced all those months ago… the night Jake found me just in time.
I’ve almost reached the point where I accept my fate, distancing myself from the current situation I’m in. My mind shuts down, protecting itself from the horrific thing that’s about to take place. It’s as though my entire body is frozen and I’ve gone into shock. I’m incapable of moving and no longer have faith that Jake will rescue me once more.
“Bethany?!”
I swear I hear his voice somewhere in the far corners of my mind. I cling onto the sound of it like a lifeline, no longer caring if it’s real or not, so long as I can hear him.
My semi-conscious state causes me to absorb only half of what happens next. I’m aware that the door Jake locked behind him is abruptly kicked open and he bursts through it, tearing the monster who still had his hand around my throat away from me.
I gasp for air, coughing and spluttering as I try to breathe normally again. Carla appears out of nowhere and rushes to my side, half dragging me away from Jake and my attacker who he is beating uncontrollably.
We scramble out of the room and she closes the door on them both, comforting me as I try to gain control over the panic which is rising up inside of me, threatening to consume me entirely.
“Bethany, it’s ok. You’re safe now.”
She wraps her arms around me, promising that everything will be alright. Her affirmations are not enough to block out the brutal sound of Jake as he continues his assault on the man who was going to hurt me.
I finally manage to speak and beg Carla to stop him. I need Jake beside me and know that nothing good can come out of so much violence. I’ve witnessed Jake’s fury on several occasions and know he has to be stopped before it’s too late.
“Carla, help me stop him.” I plead with her desperately. “He’ll kill him if we don’t do something.”
“How can we stop him? Neither one of us is strong enough to drag Jake out of there.” She concludes, reluctant to intervene and risk our safety.
“Then it’s down to me.” I state firmly, taking a step towards the closed door.
I brace myself for the horror which I’m about to face and place my hand against the door’s handle. It promptly opens, causing me to jump back in surprise and trepidation.
It’s Jake.
He’s breathless and sweaty, his knuckles dripping with blood as he slams the door behind him.
“Don’t go in there.” He warns me, blocking my path.
“W-what did you do?”
“I did enough.” He answers, watching me intently. “Now come on, let’s go. You too, Carla.”
The three of us leave together but I still can’t help myself from taking one final look at the building I found to be so menacing and dark when we first arrived. I don’t know the reason behind my insight but I somehow know that the repercussions from this night will be catastrophic and fatal.
One of us will pay…
Chapter Three
The three of us are silent during our journey home and I dread the moment that I’ll be left alone with Jake when Carla leaves.
Jake instructs the driver to drop his sister home first and that’s why I’m so nervous. I’m anxious about it just being the two of us but don’t know how I can avoid it any longer.
Jake pays for our taxi and unlocks the main door which leads up to our apartment. We still live above the bar where Jake works most nights and there’s still a few people hanging around outside, waiting to get picked up.
It’s three o’clock in the morning but the bar doesn’t close until late. I normally try to stay awake until Jake comes home but there are times when has to stay behind and clear up once everyone has left and these are the nights I hate the most.
I seem to be spending more time alone than with Jake over the past few months and this frequently causes me to feel lonely. I’m completely cut off and isolated from the world and struggle with the knowledge that the only person I have besides Jake is Carla.
I guess that’s why I chose to contact Callum again… I just needed a friend.
“I think we should just go to bed.” Jake announces, the second we close our front door. “We’re both exhausted and need to get some sleep.”
“You don’t think we should talk about what you did?” I ask him, surprised by the fact that Jake doesn’t want to interrogate me about what happened.
“What is there to talk about?” He snaps, throwing his keys across the room in anger.
“You can’t keep doing this, Jake. The consequences of your actions will come back to haunt you and it scares me.”
“Look, I really need to get some sleep because I have to work tomorrow morning, I swapped shifts with someone who wants tomorrow night off.”
He turns around to face me, looking defeated and worn out. His fists are clenched but at least they’re now bandaged and taped up. I made sure he got his wounds checked over before he left and feel a little better about the fact that I can no longer see how sore they are.
“I didn’t know you were working tomorrow.” I reply sombrely, feeling desolate.
“Are you coming?”
He walks towards me, appearing concerned when I fail to answer him.
“I’m just going to take a shower.”
“What for?”
“I want to get rid of the disgusting smell fr
om that place… and the disgusting man who tried to force himself on me.”
Jake inhales sharply and I prepare myself for the worst, already planning what I’m going to say to try and calm him down.
“Can I join you?”
His question takes me by surprise and I lift my gaze, watching him with uncertainty.
“I’d rather you didn’t.” I murmur, wringing my hands together.
I walk away from him and close the bathroom door behind me, making sure I lock it. I wait a few moments before I switch on the shower and reach for my phone, sending a text to the one and only person I can think of who can help.
I know it’s been a while but I really need to speak with you. Can you meet me tomorrow afternoon in our usual place?
Bethany x
Deciding to leave my phone on the side, I quickly remove my clothes and jump in the shower. I stand directly beneath the water, trying to erase the violent images which trouble my mind and prevent me from being able to relax.
A sudden knock on the bathroom door pulls me out of reflection, putting an abrupt end to my pondering.
“Bethany, are you ok? You’ve been in there quite a while.” Jake enquires gently, sounding hesitant and unsure.
“I’m fine.” I respond lightly, hoping he will accept my answer. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
“Ok, don’t be long.”
His footsteps fade away and I turn off the shower, grabbing the large towel I left waiting for me besides my phone.
One new message.
The screen lights up, indignant and relentless. It causes me to dry my hands quickly, hasty in my quest to find out what his response is.
Callum: I’ll be there.
P.S I can’t wait to see you…
I exhale slowly, making sure I delete the message before I switch my phone off and return to Jake. He’s already in bed by the time I get dry and change into my pyjamas. I slide in beside him and try not to flinch when his strong arms enfold me, pulling me towards him in an unbreakable embrace.
I close my eyes and try to convince myself that I have nothing to feel guilty about. Jake doesn’t know anything about Callum, or the fact that we’ve been meeting up behind his back. The consequences of him finding out are unthinkable and that’s why I block it out and pretend that there’s still nothing to hide.
Forever & Always (Always & Forever Book 2) Page 3