I was silent. In spite of Fanny’s attitude I had not considered marriage with Gabriel. We were the best of friends and I should be desolate if he went away ; but when I thought of marriage he seemed almost like a stranger. He aroused my curiosity and interest; he was unlike anyone I had ever known and, because of that certain mystery which shrouded his personality, he attracted me very much; but until this moment I had thought of him mainly as a person whom good fortune had sent my way at an important moment. There was so little I knew about him; I had never met any of his people. Indeed when they, or his home, briefly intruded into our conversation I was immediately conscious of Gabriel’s withdrawing from me, as though there were secrets in his life which he was not prepared to share with me. In view of all this I thought it very strange that he should suddenly suggest marriage.
He went on: ” Catherine, what is your answer?”
” It is No, Gabriel. There is so much we do not know about each other.”
” You mean there is so much you do not know about me.”
” Perhaps that is what I mean.”
“But what do you want to know? We love horses; we love dogs; we find pleasure in each other’s company; I can laugh and be happy with you.
What more could I ask than to laugh and be happy for the rest of my life? “
” And with others … in your home … you cannot laugh and be happy?”
” I could never be completely happy with anyone else but you; I could never laugh so freely.”
” It seems a flimsy structure on which to base a marriage.”
“You are being cautious, Catherine. You feel I have spoken too soon.”
I knew then how desolate I should be if he went away, and I said quickly: ” Yes, that is it. This is too soon….”
” At least,” he said, ” I do not have to fear a rival. Do not say No, Catherine. Think of how much I want this to be … and try to want it a little yourself.”
I stood up. I was no longer in the mood to stay on the moors. He made no protest and we rode to the village, where he said good-bye to me.
When I reached the stables Friday was waiting there for me, He always knew when I had gone out riding and never failed to be in the stableyard watching for my return.
He waited patiently until I had given Wanda to one of the lads, then he flung himself at me, making sure that I was fully aware of his pleasure in my return. Many dogs have that lovable quality, but in Friday it was stronger than usual because it was touched by an extreme humility.
He stood aside while my attention was given to others, waiting patiently until it was his turn. I believed that the memory of early wretchedness always remained with Friday, and that was why in all his exuberant affection there was that touch of deep humility and gratitude.
I lifted him in my arms and he sniffed my jacket with ecstacy.
I hugged him. I was growing more and more fond of him with every day, and my affection for him enhanced my feelings for Gabriel.
Even as I turned into the house I was wondering what marriage with Gabriel would be like. I was already beginning to believe that it was a state which I could contemplate without abhorrence.
What would my life in Glen House be like when Gabriel went away? I should ride Wanda, walk with Friday, but one could not be out of doors for ever. The winter would come. Winters were harsh in the moorland country ; there were days at a stretch when it was impossible to venture out unless one wanted to risk death in the blizzards. I thought of long dark days in the house—the weary monotonous round. It was true that Uncle Dick might come home ; but his visits could not be of very long duration and I could remember from the past how life seemed doubly dull after he had left.
It occurred to me then that I needed to escape from Glen House. A way was being offered to me. If I refused to take it, might I not be regretful for the rest of my life?
Gabriel came to dine with us occasionally. My father always roused himself on such occasions and was a tolerable host. I could see that he did not dislike Gabriel. Fanny’s lips would curl in a sardonic smile when Gabriel was in the house. I knew that she was thinking that he was making use of our hospitality while he was in the neighbourhood, and that when the time came for him to leave he would do so and promptly forget us. Fanny, who was determined to give nothing, was always afraid that people were going to take something away from her.
There were sly references to my ” hopes” regarding Gabriel. She had never married and believed that it was the woman who desired that state in cold blood because it meant that she must be fed and clothed for the rest of her life. As for the man who had to provide the food-and clothing, he would naturally seek to “get what he wanted ” Fanny’s expression without giving more than he could help. Fanny’s values were material. I longed to escape from them, and I knew ‘that with each day I was withdrawing myself farther and farther from Glen House and feeling closer and closer to Gabriel.
May was with us and the days were warm and sunny; it was a joy to escape to the moors. Now we talked of ourselves and there was a certain feverishness about Gabriel. He always seemed to me like a man who was looking over his shoulder at some pursuer, while he was desperately conscious of passing time.
I made him tell me about his home, and he was willing enough to do so now. I felt this to be because he had already convinced himself that I would marry him and that it would not be only his home but mine.
In my imagination it was a hazy, grey edifice comprised of ancient stones. I knew there was a balcony because Gabriel talked of it often ; I pictured the scene from that balcony, for Gabriel had described it to me many times. The balcony was evidently a favourite spot of his.
I knew that from it it was possible to see the river winding its way through the meadows ; the woods, which in some places went down to the river’s edge, and a quarter of a mile from the house those ancient piles of stone, those magnificent arches which the years had not been able to destroy; and across the wooden bridge, away beyond the river, the wild moorland country.
But what were houses compared with the people who lived in them? I learned by degrees that Gabriel, like myself, had no mother, she had been advanced in years when he was conceived, and when he came into the world she went out of it. Our motherless ness was a further bond between us.
He had a sister, fifteen years older than himself a widow with a seventeen-year-old son; he also had a father who was very old.
” He was nearly sixty when I was born,” Gabriel told me. ” My mother was forty. Some of the servants used to say I was the afterthought’; others used to say I killed my mother. “
I was immediately angry because I knew how such careless comments could hurt a sensitive child. ” How ridiculous!” I cried, my eyes flashing with anger as they always did over what I considered injustice.
Gabriel laughed, took my hand and held it very tightly.
Then he said seriously: ” You see I cannot do without you. I need you to protect me against the cruel things that are said of me.”
” You are no longer a child,” I replied somewhat impatiently ; and when I analysed my impatience I found it grew out of my desire to protect him. I wanted to make him strong enough not to be afraid.
” Some of us remain children until we die.”
” Death!” I cried. “Why do you harp continually on death?”
” It’s true that I do,” he said. ” It’s because I am so anxious to live every minute of my life to the full.”
I did not understand what he meant then; and I asked to hear more of the family.
” Ruth, my sister, rules the household and will do so until I marry.
Then of course my wife will do that, because I am the only son and the Revels will one day be mine. “
” When you speak of the Revels you do so in a tone of reverence.”
” It is my home.”
” And yet …” I was going to say, I believe you are glad to have escaped from it. ” You are not eager to return.”
He did not notice my interruption. He murmured as though to himself: “
It ought to have been Simon …”
” Who is Simon?”
” Simon Redvers. A sort of cousin. A Rockwell through his grandmother, who is my father’s sister. You won’t like him very much.
But then you’ll rarely meet. There isn’t much communication between Kelly Grange and the Revels.”
He was talking as though there was no doubt that I would marry him and that one day his house would be my home.
Sometimes I wondered whether there was not some subtlety in Gabriel.
He gradually built up pictures in my mind, so that his home and family somehow came alive for me, and as the picture grew clearer in my mind it brought with it a fascination which was not altogether pleasant and yet no less impelling because of that—but rather more so.
I wanted to see that pile of grey stones which had been made into a house three hundred years ago; I wanted to see those ruins which from a balcony of the house would have the appearance, not of a ruin but an ancient abbey because so much of the outer structure remained.
I was caught up in Gabriel’s life. I knew that if he went away I should be desperately lonely and dissatisfied with my life. I should be continually regretful.
And one sunny day, when I had walked out of the house with Friday at my heels, I met Gabriel on the moor; and we sat with our backs against a boulder while Friday crouched before us on the grass, his eyes going from one to the other, his head slightly cocked as though he listened to our conversation. This was complete happiness for him and we knew it was because we were together.
” There’s something I haven’t told you, Catherine,” said Gabriel.
I felt relieved, because I knew that he was going to tell me something now which he had been trying to for a long time.
” I want you to say you’ll marry me,” he went on, ” but so far you haven’t said that. You don’t dislike me ; you’re happy in my company.
That’s true, Catherine? “
I looked at him and saw again those lines between his brows ; I saw the puzzled frustration there and I remembered those occasions when he had seemed to forget what it was that made him so melancholy, when he threw off his moodiness and became gay. I felt a great desire then to chase the gloom out of his life, to make him happy as I had made Friday healthy.
” Of course I don’t dislike you,” I said, ” and we’re happy together.
If you go away . “
” You’d miss me, Catherine, but not as much as I should miss you. I want you to come back with me. I don’t want to go without you.”
” Why are you so eager for me to go back with you?”
” Why? Surely you know. It’s because I love you—because I never want to leave you again.”
” Yes, but … is there another reason?”
“What other reason should there be?” he asked; but he did not meet my eyes as he said that, and I knew that there was a great deal about him and his home that I had to learn.
” You should tell me everything, Gabriel,” I said on impulse. He mewed closer to me and put his arm about me. ” You are right, Catherine. There are things you should know. I cannot be happy without you and … there cannot be long left to me.”
I drew away from him. ” What do you mean?” I demanded sharply.
He sat up and looking straight ahead said: ” I cannot live more than a few years. I have received my sentence of death.”
I was angry with him because I could not bear to hear his talk of dying. ” Stop being dramatic,” I commanded, ” and tell me exactly what all this means.”
” It’s perfectly simple. I have a weak heart—a family complaint. I had an elder brother who died young. My mother died at my birth, but it was due to the same heart condition, aggravated by the strain of bringing me into the world. I could die to-morrow … next year … or in five years’ time. It would apparently be extraordinary if I lived longer than that.”
I yearned to comfort him and he knew how his words had affected me for he went on wistfully: ” It would not be a great many years, Catherine.”
” Don’t talk like that,” I said harshly; and I stood up, so overcome by my emotions that I could say no more. I started to walk quickly and Gabriel fell into step beside me. We were both silent, and Friday kept running ahead of us to look back at us anxiously, head on one side, while his eyes implored us to be gay.
That night I scarcely slept at all. I could think of nothing but Gabriel and his need for me. This was what had made him seem so different from any other person I had ever known, for I had never before known a person who was under a sentence of death. I kept hearing his voice saying: ” I could die to-morrow … next year … or in five years’ time. It would be extraordinary if I lived longer than that.” I kept seeing those melancholy eyes and remembering how at times he could be happy. And I could make him happy for what was left to him—I alone. How could I forget that? How could I turn away from someone who needed me so much?
At this time I was so inexperienced that I did not know how to analyse my emotions. But I was sure that if Gabriel went away I should miss him. He had brought a new interest into my life, making me forget the gloominess of my home; it was so pleasant to be with someone who was really interested in me after my father’s indifference, someone who admired me, after Fanny’s criticism.
Perhaps I was not in love; perhaps pity was at the very root of my feelings for Gabriel; but by the morning I had made up my mind.
The banns were read in the village church and Gabriel went back to Kirkland Revels, I presumed to inform his family, while I began preparing for my wedding.
Before leaving, Gabriel had formally asked my father for- my hand, and Father had been rather bewildered by the proceedings. He had hesitated, reminding Gabriel of my youth and the short time we had known each other; but I, who had been expecting he might do this, burst in on them and assured my father that I had quite made up my mind to marry.
Father looked worried and I knew that he was wishing that Uncle Dick were at home so that he could consult him ; however, I had no real fear of opposition, and after a while Father said that as I seemed determined, he supposed I must have my way. Then he asked the conventional questions about Gabriel’s standing which Gabriel was able to answer to his satisfaction; and it occurred to me for the first time that I must be marrying into a wealthy family.
I longed for the presence of Uncle Dick, because it seemed unthinkable that he should not be at my wedding. I believed that I could have talked to him of my feelings and that he would have helped me to come to a better understanding of them.
I told Gabriel how much I wanted Uncle Dick to come to the wedding, but he was so full of despair the thought of postponement that I gave way.
That desire in Gabriel to make the most of every hour touched me so deeply that I would let nothing stand in the way of the comfort he was sure I could bring him. Besides, although it was possible to write to Uncle Dick, one could never be sure when letters would reach him; and when I heard from him—he was not a good letter-writer and this was rarely—his letters never seemed to answer mine and I always wondered whether he had received them.
I could not resist writing to Dilys.
“The most extraordinary thing has happened. I am going to be married!
How strange that this should happen to me before you. It is the man I wrote to you about—the man who helped with the dog. He lives in Yorkshire in a wonderful old house near an abbey, and it has all happened so quickly that I don’t quite understand how it has come about. I don’t know whether I’m in love with him. I only know that I couldn’t bear it if he went away and I never saw him again. Oh, Dilys, it’s so exciting, because before it happened I was so wretched here.
You’ve no idea what my home is like. I myself had forgotten during all those years I was away. It’s a dark house … and I don’t mean that there’s just an absence of sunshine…. I mean
the people in it live dark lives….” I tore that up. Was I crazy, trying to make Dilys under stand what I did not myself? How could I explain to Dilys that I was going to marry Gabriel because, for some reason which I could not fully understand, I was sorry for him and I knew he needed my help; because I wanted desperately to love someone who belonged to me; because my father had repulsed me when I had tried to show affection and had mutely asked for a little in return; because I wanted to escape from the house which was now my home.
Instead of that letter I sent a conventional little note inviting Dilys to my wedding.
Fanny was still sceptical. She thought it was a queer way to go about getting married. There were references to proverbs such as ” Marry in haste, repent at leisure ” ; and she talked about ” supping sorrow with a long spoon.” Still, the thought of future disaster seemed to cheer her considerably and she was determined that my grand in-laws, if they came to the wedding, should have no complaints about the wedding feast.
Gabriel wrote regularly and his letters were ardent, but they spoke only of his devotion to me and his desire for our union; he did not let me know anything about his family’s reactions.
I heard from Dilys that I had not given her enough notice of my wedding. She was so full of engagements that she could not possibly leave London. I realised then that our lives had taken such entirely different turnings that the intimacy which had once been ours was over.
Three days before our marriage was to take place, Gabriel came back and put up at the King’s Head less than half a mile from Glen House.
When Mary came to my room to tell me that he was in the first-floor sitting-room waiting to see me, eagerly I went down. He was standing with his back to the fireplace watching the door, and as soon as I opened it he strode towards me and we embraced.
He looked excited, younger than he had when tie had left, because some of the strain had gone from him.
I took his face in my hands and kissed it.
” Like a mother with a precious child,” he murmured.
He had summed up my feelings. I wanted to look after him; I wanted to make what life was left to him completely happy ; I was not passionately in love with him, but I did not attach great importance to this because passion was something I knew nothing about at that time.
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