I turned away from her. ” I don’t know,” I cried, ” I only know he didn’t kill himself.”
“My dear Catherine,” said Ruth sharply, “You’re overwrought. We all have the utmost sympathy for you, but … you knew him such a short time. He is one of us … all his life he has belonged to us….”
Her voice broke, but I did not believe she was sincerely sorry. And I thought: The house will pass to Luke now. Are you pleased about that, Ruth?
” Last flight he talked about the holiday we should have,” I insisted.
” He talked of our going to Greece.”
“Perhaps he didn’t want you to guess what he planned,” suggested Luke.
” He couldn’t deceive me. Why should he talk of going to Greece if he were planning to … do that!”
Simon spoke then. His voice sounded cold and seemed to came from a long distance. ” We do not always say that which is in our minds.”
” But I knew … I tell you, I knew …”
Sir Matthew had put a hand to his eyes and I heard him murmur: ” My son, my only son.”
There was a knock on the door and William entered.
He looked at Ruth and said: ” Dr. Smith is here, madam.”
” Then bring him in,” Ruth answered. And in a few moments Dr. Smith came in. His eyes were sympathetic, and it was to my side that he came.
” I cannot express my grief,” he murmured. ” And I am concerned for you.”
” Please don’t be,” I replied. ” I have suffered a great shock … but I shall be all right.” I heard myself give a slightly hysterical laugh which horrified me.
The doctor laid his hand on my shoulder.
” I’m going to give you a sedative for to-night,” he said. ” You’ll need it. Then when you wake up there’ll be a night between you and all this. You’ll be one step away from it.”
Aunt Sarah spoke suddenly in a high, rather querulous voice: ” She doesn’t believe he killed himself. Doctor.”
” No … no …” soothed the doctor. ” It’s hard to credit it. Poor Gabriel!”
Poor Gabriel! It seemed like an echo in that room, and it came from more than one of those present.
I found myself looking at Simon Redvers. ” Poor Gabriel!” he said, and there was a cold glitter in his eyes as they met mine. I felt I wanted to shout at him: Are you suggesting that I had anything to do with this? Gabriel was happier with me than he had ever been in his life.
He told me so repeatedly.
But I said nothing.
Dr. Smith said to me: ” Have you been out to-day, Mrs. Rockwell?”
I shook my head .
” A little walk in the grounds would do you good. If you would allow me to accompany you, I should be glad.”
It was clear that he had something to say to me alone, and ( rose at once.
” You should wear your cloak,” Ruth put in. ” There’s a chill in the air today.”
A chill in the air, I thought; and a chill in my heart. What would happen next? My life seemed suspended between Glen House and Kirkland Revels and the future was like a thick fog all about me.
Ruth had rung the bell and eventually a servant appeared with my cloak.
Simon took it from the maid and wrapped it about me. I looked over my shoulder and tried to read what I saw in his eyes, but that was impossible.
I was glad to escape from that room and be alone with the doctor.
We did not speak until we had left the house and were walking in the direction of the Abbey. It was difficult to believe that it was only the night before that I had lost my way.
” My dear Mrs. Rockwell,” said Dr. Smith, ” I could see that you wished to get away from the house. That was one reason why I suggested this walk . You feel bewildered, do you not?”
“Yes,” I said.
“But mere is one thing of which I am certain.”
” You think it impossible that Gabriel killed himself?”
” Yes, I do.”
“Because you were happy together?”
“We were happy together.”
” I think it may have been because Gabriel was happy with you that he found his life intolerable.”
“I do not understand you.”
” You know that his health was precarious.”
” He told me that before we married.”
” Ah, I thought perhaps he might have kept it from you. His heart was weak and he might have died at any moment. But you knew that.”
I nodded.
” It’s a family weakness. Poor Gabriel, it struck him young. I had a conversation with him only yesterday about … his weakness. I am wondering now whether this had something to do with the tragedy. May I be frank with you? You are very young but you are a married woman, and I am afraid I must speak with candour.”
” Please do.”
” Thank you. I was struck from the first by your good sense and I rejoiced that Gabriel had chosen so wisely. Yesterday Gabriel came to me and asked me some questions about … his married life.”
I felt a flush rise in my cheeks and said: “Pray tell me what you mean.”
” He asked me if the state of his heart made it dangerous for him to indulge in marital relations.”
” Oh!” My voice sounded faint and I could not bring myself to look at the doctor. We had reached the ruins and I stared up at the Norman tower. ” And … what was your answer?”
“I told him that In my opinion he would take a considerable risk if such relations did occur.”
” I see.”
He was trying to read my thoughts, but I would not look at him. What had happened between me and Gabriel should I decided, be our secret. I felt embarrassed to be involved in such a discussion and, although I reminded myself that this man was a doctor, the discomfort persisted.
But I could see what he was driving at, and he had no need to explain; but he did.
” He was a normal young man, apart from this weakness of the heart. He was proud. I realised when I warned him that I was giving him a shock but I did not understand then how deeply it had affected him.”
” And you think that this … warning … decided him?”
” It seems to me a logical deduction. What … is your opinion, Mrs.
Rockwell? In the past, has there been between you . er. “
I touched a fragment of broken wall, and my voice was as cold as the stones as I said: ” I do not think that what you told my husband would have made him wish to end his life.”
The doctor seemed satisfied with that answer. He laughed lightly but without mirth. ” I should not have liked to think that any words of mine …”
“You need have no qualms,” I answered.
“What you said to Gabriel was what any doctor would have said.”
” I believe it may have been a reason …”
“Do you mind if we turn back?” I asked.
“It seems to have grown colder.”
“Forgive me. I should not have brought you out. You feel cold because of the shock you have suffered. I’m afraid I’ve behaved brutally to you, discussing this … indelicate matter … just when …”
” No, you have been kind to me. But I am shocked … and I cannot believe that only this time yesterday …”
“Time will pass. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. You are so young. You will go away from here … at least I suppose you will…. You won’t stay shut away here, will you?”
” I do not know what I shall do. I have not thought about it.”
” Of course you have not. I was saying that you have your life before you. In a few years’ time this will seem like a bad dream.”
” Some bad dreams one never forgets.”
” Oh come, you must not be morbid. You are so close to tragedy that it overwhelms you. You will feel a little better to-morrow, and a little better every day.”
” You forget I have lost my husband.”
” I know, but …” He
smiled and laid his hand on my arm. ” If there is anything I can do to help you …”
” Thank you. Dr. Smith. I shall remember your kindness.” ” We had returned to the grounds and walked across the front lawns in silence.
As we approached the house I looked ap at the balcony and pictured what might have happened … Gabriel, sitting on my bed, talking of the holiday we would have, making me drink my hot milk and then, when I slept, coming quietly out on to the balcony and letting him elf fall. I shivered. ” I don’t believe it; I can’t believe it. “
I did not realise that I had spoken aloud until Dr. Smith said: ” You mean you don’t want to believe it. Sometimes the two are synonymous.
Do not fret, Mrs. Rockwell. I hope you will look on me as something more than the family doctor. I have been on terms of close friendship with the Rockwells for years, and you are now a member of that family.
So do please remember that if you need my advice at any time, I shall be very happy to give it. “
I scarcely heard him; I thought the faces of the devils looked gleeful, those of the angels sad.
As I went in a feeling of desolation came over me, and I said quickly:
” Friday is still missing.”
The doctor looked blank and I realised that he had probably not heard of the dog’s disappearance, for in view of what had happened who would have thought to tell him?
” I must find him,” I went on.
I left and hurried to the servants’ hall to ask if Friday had been seen. No one had seen him. I went through the house calling him.
But there was no response.
So I had lost Gabriel and Friday . together.
At the inquest the verdict was that Gabriel had taken his life while temporarily insane, in spite of my insistence that we had been planning to go to Greece. Dr. Smith explained that he had been suffering from a weakness of the heart which depressed him. It was his opinion that his marriage had brought home to him the magnitude of his infirmity and the consequent depression had forced him to act as he had done. This seemed to be considered an adequate reason and the verdict was given without demur. I was present at the inquest although Dr. Smith had advised me against going.
“You will only distress yourself further,” he said. Ruth agreed with him. But I had quickly recovered from my shock and I found a certain resentment mingling with my sorrow. Why, I kept asking myself, were they all so certain that Gabriel killed himself?
I answered that myself How else could he have died? By accident? I tried hard to think of how it could have happened. Could he have leaned too far over the parapet and fallen? Was that possible?
It must be possible, because it was the only reasonable explanation.
Over and over again I tried to picture it. Suppose he went on to the balcony as he so frequently did. Suppose something below caught his attention. Friday! I thought excitedly What if Friday had appeared down there and he called to him and in his excitement leaned over too far?
But they had already passed their verdict and they would not have believed me. They would have called me a hysterical bride.
I had written to my father to tell him of Gabriel’s death, and he came to the funeral. I had been pleased when I heard that he was coming, believing that he would have some comfort to offer me. Childishly I had expected that my trouble might bring us closer together; but as soon as I saw him I realised how foolish I had been. He was as remote as ever.
He sought an opportunity to speak to me before we left for the church, but I was conscious all the time that to him it was a painful duty.
” Catherine,” he asked. ” what are your plans?”
” Plans ” I echoed blankly, for I had not considered my future. I had lost the only two who had loved me—for as each day passed I began to despair of finding Friday—and I could think of nothing but my loss.
My father seemed a little impatient.
“Yes, yes. You’ll have to decide what you’re going to do now. I suppose you could stay here or come back….”
I had never felt quite so lonely in the whole of my life I kept thinking of Gabriel’s solicitude for me, his eagerness to be with me every minute of the night and day. I thought:
If only Friday would suddenly come bounding up to me, leaping into my arms, I might have something to plan for.
I said stonily: ” I have made no plans so far.”
” Perhaps it’s early yet,” he replied in his weary voice, ” but if you should want to come back, you must of course.”
I turned away from him; I could not trust myself to speak.
How melancholy it was when the hearse and carriages arrived with the plumed horses and velvet palls and the mutes dressed in black from head to foot. Gabriel was buried in the Rockwell vault in which lay so many of his ancestors. I wondered if those others were there the two who had died in the same way.
I returned with the rest of. the family to the house and we solemnly drank wine and ate the funeral meats which had been prepared for us. I felt a stranger in my widow’s weeds. I was so pale that I looked like a ghost, and there seemed no colour in my face except that of my vivid green eyes. Surely mine was a most extraordinary fate to be a bride and widow in less than two weeks.
My father left immediately after the funeral saying that he had a long journey ahead of him and adding that he would expect to hear from me what my plans were for the future. Had he shown me in some small way that he really wanted me, I should have been eager to go back with him.
I was drawn to Sir Matthew, who had lost all his jauntiness since the tragedy. He was very kind to me and made me sit beside him when all the mourners, who were not members of the family, had gone.
” How do you feel, my dear,” he asked me, ” in this house full of strangers?”
” I do not feel anything but a numbness now, an emptiness,” I told him.
He nodded. ” If you wish to stay here,” he said, ” you would always be welcome. This was Gabriel’s home and you were Gabriel’s wife. If you want to go away, I shall under stand, but I should be very sorry.”
” You are kind to me,” I said, and those words of kindness brought the tears, which till now I had not been able to shed, to my eyes.
Simon had come to stand beside me. He said: “You will go away from here. What is there for you? It is so dull in the country, is it not?”
” I came from the country,” I said.
” But after those years in France.”
” I am surprised that you remember so much of my affairs.”
” I have a very good memory. It is the only good thing about me. Yes, you will go away. You will be more free than you were … more free than you have ever been before.” He changed the subject abruptly.
“Those weeds become you.”
I felt there was something behind his words, but I was too weary and too obsessed with thoughts of Gabriel to give him much of my attention.
I was glad when Luke came over to us and began to talk of other matters.
” It doesn’t do to dwell on all this,” he said. ” We’ve got to forget.
We’ve got to go on living. “
I thought I detected a certain glitter in his eyes. He was, after all, the new heir. Was his grief for Gabriel rather superficial?
I was trying to hold off frightening notions which were creeping into my mind. I did not really believe that Gabriel had had an accident on the balcony. I did not believe that he had deliberately killed himself.
But what else was there to believe?
When Gabriel’s will was read I learned that he- had left me, although not rich, comfortably off. I had an income which would make me independent. This was a surprise because, although I had known that Kirkland Revels would pass to Gabriel on his father’s death, together with an income adequate for its upkeep, I had not realised that he had so much money of his own.
The fact of my new affluence cheered me a little, and this was only due to the promise of freedom which it
held out.
A week passed and I was still at the Revels, each day hoping for the return of Friday even though the days passed without sign of him.
I knew that the family were waiting for me to come to a decision as to whether or not I was going to stay, and I found it difficult to make up my mind. This house was of great interest to me; I felt that there was so much I did not know and only by staying could I discover it. I had a right to live here; I was Gabriel’s widow. His father clearly wanted me to stay and, I believed, so did Aunt Sarah; but I thought Ruth would have been relieved to see me go. I wondered why. Was it because she did not care to have another female in the house, or was there some other reason? As for Luke, he was friendly in a breezy manner ; but I had a notion that he did not care either way. He was immersed in his own affairs, and try as he might he could not hide hu new importance.
He was the heir of Kirkland Revels and, in view of Sir Matthew’s age and infirmity, it could not be many more years before he was its master.
The Smiths were frequently at the house now, and when the doctor visited Sir Matthew which he did each day he invariably made a point of seeing me too. He was always kind and solicitous; he made me feel as though I were a patient, and, during that unhappy time when I mourned for Gabriel and Friday. He seemed to be concerned about my health.
” You have suffered a great shock,” he told me, ” perhaps greater than you realise. We must see that you take care of yourself.”
He was giving me that solicitude which I had sought in vain from my father, and I began to wonder whether one of the reasons why I lingered on at the house was because of Dr. Smith, for it seemed that he understood my grief and loneliness as no one eke did.
Damaris often drove over with her father, always cool, always serene and beautiful. I could see that Luke was in love with her but it was impossible to know what her feelings for him were. She was inscrutable. If Luke had his way he would marry her, but they were both so young at present and I doubted whether Sir Matthew or Ruth would allow Luke to many for some time. And who knew what could happen in three, four or five years?
I had a feeling that I was marking time. I had not recovered from that strange numbness which had come to me when I heard I was a widow, and I could make no plans until I was free of it. If I left Kirkland Revels, where should I go? Back to Glen House? I thought of those dark rooms made bright only by the filtering of light through the Venetian blinds.
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