I could have gone to Dad’s to find out, but I didn’t want Alex to know I cared. Assuming he’s still there. Which he probably isn’t, because he’s a total idiot who would take his sister out in a hurricane if his big brother told him to.
The last living boy in America can go to hell for all I care. Except I do care, and he’s probably already there.
June 21
It’s still raining.
Charlie dropped over to talk mysteries with Mom. “Alex and Julie haven’t left yet,” he said. “Julie’s developed a bit of a cough. We were wondering if you had any cough medicine around.”
Mom gave Jon what little we have left, and he raced over with it. He didn’t come back until after supper.
June 22
The third straight day of rain. Jon says Alex and Julie haven’t left yet.
My guess is rain or snow, they’ll go tomorrow. And I’ll be glad. Not for Jon, who’ll be heartbroken, or for Julie. Not for Alex, either, because I don’t care what he feels.
I’ll be glad for me. Once Alex is gone, I’ll never have to think of him again. I’ll throw him onto the mound of bodies and forget I ever met him.
Why not? He’s already forgotten me.
June 23
It stopped raining. The ground is nothing but mud.
“I don’t see how they could possibly go,” Mom said to Matt and Jon and me at our rice and beans breakfast. “The convent is ninety miles from here. That’s a four-day walk.”
“They might be able to pick up bikes on the way,” Matt said.
“They still have to find them,” Mom said. “And who knows where they’ll sleep. They’ve got to wait for things to dry out before they go.”
That was all Jon needed to hear. Off he ran.
“I hope they’re gone,” Matt said. “The longer they stay, the harder it’s going to be on Jon. And I’ll be just as glad never to see Alex again.”
“Why do you say that?” Mom asked.
“He’s a parasite,” Matt said. “He’s a danger chopping wood. I’m always worried he’s going to cut off one of his fingers or one of mine. I don’t think he’s done a day’s worth of physical labor in his life. He sits and he reads and he eats our food. Which we’ll run out of soon enough anyway.”
“It’s thanks to Alex we have food,” I said. “He’s the one who found it and figured out how to get it back here. He was the one who made us search the whole house.” I pictured the half-eaten man and shuddered.
“It’s great you found all that food,” Matt said. “But it isn’t going to happen again. In the meantime Alex eats what little we have. And I don’t like the way he plays up to Dad.”
“He doesn’t play up to Dad,” I said. “Dad loves him. There’s a difference.”
“Why does Dad love him, then?” Matt said. “It’s not because of anything he does.”
“I don’t know,” I said. “But Dad loves Syl, too, and she doesn’t do anything, either.”
“Miranda,” Mom said, but it was too late.
“Don’t you ever speak about my wife that way!” Matt shouted. “She’s given up everything to be with me!”
“To get your food, you mean!” I shouted right back. “To have a place to sleep and people who wait on her hand and foot!”
We were sitting on the floor around the woodstove. Matt lunged for me.
“Matt, stop it!” Mom screamed, and I think that startled Matt into stopping. I got up and ran out of the sunroom, down the path to Mrs. Nesbitt’s.
Matt’s my big brother. We used to fight when we were kids. But he always knew when to stop.
This time I don’t think he would have known when.
I found Alex standing outside the house, checking the sky, examining the mud. I ran straight into his arms, and before I could catch my breath, we were kissing. No rage this time. Just hunger and need.
“No,” he said. At least that’s what I think he said. I know I wouldn’t have thought it on my own.
“Stay with us,” I said. “Don’t leave me.”
“I have to,” he said. “Julie can’t stay here. We’ve got to go.”
“But I don’t want you to!” I cried like a five-year-old.
Alex kissed me and I didn’t feel five anymore. I wasn’t a kid having a tantrum because someone took my favorite toy. I was a woman, and this was the man I wanted, and I was losing him.
We held on to each other, not wanting the moment to end, because when it did, our life together would also end. Our kisses grew deeper, our hands explored more, we gave each other all we could in that single passing moment.
June 24
Matt’s gone back to chopping wood. He insisted Jon work with him.
Mom and I cleaned the house. Charlie dropped by to invite us over for Sunday prayers and dinner.
“How’s Julie doing?” Mom asked.
“She’s a little better,” Charlie said. “The cough medicine seems to have helped. Hal’s convinced Alex to stay until Tuesday. Let’s hope the weather’s better this week.”
“I think I’ll see how she’s doing,” I said. “Mom, is there anything I can bring?”
“I don’t think so,” Mom said. “I gave them the last of our cough medicine.”
“Well, I’ll check and see, anyway,” I said. I didn’t even sound convincing to myself.
When I got there, Lisa was playing with Gabriel. Of course once he saw me, he began crying.
“He’s allergic to me,” I said, and Lisa laughed.
“He’s ready for his nap,” she said. “Julie’s resting now. Alex is in the parlor, though, if you want to see him.”
“I guess so,” I said, and walked through the house as casually as I could. All I wanted to do was fling myself into his arms. Alex must have felt the same way because he gestured for me to be quiet. We slipped out the front door and ran far from the house.
“This is wrong,” he said as we embraced. “We have to stop.”
“Stopping is wrong,” I said, kissing him to prove my point.
He pulled away. “Miranda, listen to me,” he said. “We can’t do this. I’m leaving in two days. I’ll never see you again. You have to believe that.”
It’s funny. That’s all I’ve heard for weeks now, how Alex and Julie will be leaving. Maybe because they talk and talk and talk about it but never actually go, I’ve stopped believing it.
“What if Julie isn’t ready?” I asked. “What if she’s still sick next week?”
“She can’t be,” Alex said. “I have to get her to the sisters while I can. She has to be with people who’ll protect her.”
“You’ll protect her,” I said. “We’ll protect her. And don’t use Carlos as an excuse anymore. He’s thousands of miles away. You’re here. I’m here. Explain why getting Julie to the convent is more important than you and me. Because I try to understand, Alex. I hear the words, but I don’t get the meaning.”
Alex kissed me, and when he held on to me, I felt how reluctant he was to open up, how scared.
“It’s all right,” I said. “Just tell me.”
He looked straight at me, and once again I could see all the suffering in his eyes. “New York was very bad,” he said. “Every day you’d think, Well this is as bad as it can get, and then it got worse. I saw things, I did things, things I never want you to know.”
“You could tell me anything,” I said, but he interrupted me.
“I love you for thinking that, but you’re wrong,” he said. “You can’t imagine what things were like. Carlos couldn’t understand. He got to Texas in the very beginning, and the Marines have fed him, sheltered him, protected him.”
“Has Julie seen those things?” I asked.
He nodded.
“She survived,” I said. “I could, too. Alex, don’t feel like you have to protect me. That’s not what I want.”
“I can’t protect you,” he said. “I can’t protect anyone. I can’t even do what Carlos tells me and get Julie to the convent. The rain stops me. You stop me.”
I kissed him, hoping the gift of my love could ease his pain. But he broke away.
“I won’t let Julie suffer,” he said. “I tried to tell Carlos but I couldn’t. There is too much past history between us.”
“Julie doesn’t have to suffer,” I said. “Not if she stays with us.”
He shook his head. “You have no control,” he said. “None of us do. Not over what might happen. I have only one way left to protect Julie. Everything else I’ve tried has failed.”
“What?” I asked, figuring he’d say faith or prayers or the church.
Alex took a deep breath. “Pills,” he said. “Sleeping pills. Six of them. I got them in New York. I keep them for her.”
“So she can sleep?” I asked.
“So she won’t ever wake up,” Alex said.
“Six pills wouldn’t be enough,” I said, like if I told him that, he would laugh at how silly he was, and nothing would matter except us.
“Two would be enough,” he said instead. “Enough to make sure she’d sleep through what I’d do.”
“But why?” I asked. “Why would you do something like that?”
“There could come a time when life is worse than death for Julie,” Alex said. “I’ll know it when it does. I pray I’ll know it.”
“But killing’s a crime,” I said.
“Nothing’s a crime anymore,” he said. “There are no cops, no jails. It’s a sin, and I’ll be damned for it. But I’ll deserve damnation. I deserve it now.”
“You don’t,” I said. “You love Julie. You love me. How can you be damned for loving?”
“Love isn’t enough,” he said.
“It has to be,” I said, holding his shaking body in my arms. “Love’s what I believe in, Alex. Love is what protects us.”
June 25
Last night I had a dream that the doorbell rang, and when I opened it, there was Alex. It was summer, and he was holding a bouquet of daisies.
“Julie’s a nun,” he said. “So’s Carlos. Marry me, Miranda.”
I’m not going to write what happened next in my dream, in case anyone ever sees this. Let’s just say it was the best dream I ever had.
When I woke up, I thought maybe things could happen that way. Not with Julie and Carlos becoming nuns. But maybe if Alex was sure Julie was safe, he’d come back to me. I know he loves me. That has to count for something.
Alex has convinced me it’s better for Julie to be at the convent. I hate the thought of his having her life in his hands. Not that he’d ever do anything to Julie. But he shouldn’t have to worry about it. He’s taken care of Julie for over a year now. He’d take care of her forever, except Carlos told him not to.
Maybe it’s wrong of me to dream that Alex and I can stay together if Julie’s at the convent. Maybe it’s wrong of me to want that when I know Julie doesn’t want to go.
But Carlos is the one who made the decision, and Carlos is right that Julie should be someplace safe, where he and Alex will always be able to find her. And Julie can take care of herself. She’ll stay at the convent for as long as she has to, and then she’ll do what she wants. Assuming she can. Assuming any of us can.
If he doesn’t have to worry about Julie, I know Alex will stay with me. We can’t be together as long as Julie is here. But when she’s at the convent, Alex will be free to stay with me forever.
I want Alex. I want love. I know that’s what Alex wants also.
June 26
Jon and Syl went over to Dad’s this morning. Mom told Jon if it was all right with Alex, he and Julie could make the food run.
I feel strange around Syl since my fight with Matt. I don’t think he told her what I said but I can’t be sure. I was glad when she decided to visit Lisa for Bible study.
I planned on going over to see Alex one last time, but before I could figure out an excuse, Dad, Alex, and Matt showed up. Matt had been chopping wood, so I knew this was important.
For a moment I thought Dad would tell us he’d forbidden Alex to leave, and Alex would come to his senses and agree.
“I wanted to talk with you,” Dad said, meaning Mom and Matt, I guess, but he didn’t tell me to leave, so I didn’t. “Without anyone else around.”
“We’re leaving tomorrow,” Alex said. “Julie’s cough is gone. Thank you for the cough medicine, Mrs. Evans. It made a big difference.”
“I’m glad,” Mom said. “I’m glad Julie’s well again.”
“You know this scheme of Alex’s,” Dad said. “And you know I don’t approve. Lisa’s distraught, and Jon isn’t much better.”
“I know how upset Jon is,” Mom said, “but he’ll get over it in time.”
“He’ll have to,” Alex said. “We’ve waited too long as it is.”
“The convent is ninety miles away,” Dad said.
“We’ve walked farther,” Alex said. “And in worse weather.”
“That may be,” Dad said. “But in this case it isn’t necessary. There’s the van in the garage. With two five-gallon gas cans.”
“Are you crazy?” Matt asked. “We’re supposed to give away the van? That’s our way out of here, Dad. We don’t hand that over to strangers.”
“Alex found the van,” I said. “And the gas.”
“You were with him,” Matt said. “He couldn’t have found them without you. They’re as much ours as his, and our need is greater.”
“You should be ashamed of yourself, Matt,” Dad said. “Julie’s just a child.”
“So is Jon,” Matt said. “That didn’t stop you from leaving.”
“Stop it,” Mom said. “Both of you. Now.”
Alex has never heard that tone from Mom. It’s probably been years since Dad has.
“Alex, are you absolutely determined that you and Julie are going tomorrow?” Mom asked. “You know how much we’ve come to care about you. In spite of that you’re going?”
“Yes, Mrs. Evans,” Alex said. “First thing tomorrow morning.”
“After Julie is settled in, what will you do?” Mom asked.
“There’s a Franciscan monastery in Ohio,” Alex said, and Matt snickered.
“Matthew, stop that right now,” Mom said.
“Mom,” Matt said. “I’m not a child anymore.”
“Then stop acting like one,” Mom said, turning away from him. “So your plan is to go northeast for ninety miles and then make your way across Pennsylvania to get to Ohio. That’s hundreds of miles.”
“We made it from Texas here,” Alex replied. “I can make it from New York to Ohio.”
“It won’t be the same,” Dad said. “The farther north, the fewer people.”
“It’s summer,” Alex said. “It’s warmer. I’ll do it.”
“Fine,” Mom said. “It’s your choice and we’re not your parents. Julie’s the one I’m concerned about. Why not drive to the convent and return the van on your way to Ohio?”
“What makes you think he’ll bring it back?” Matt said.
“He’ll bring it back,” I cried. “I know he will.”
Everyone stared at me.
“I trust him,” I said, my voice shaking. “We can trust him.”
“Alex, will you give us your solemn word that you’ll bring the van back once you’re certain Julie’s all right?” Mom asked.
“I’m not accepting his solemn word,” Matt said. “It’s not good enough. These are our lives we’re talking about. If Dad won’t look after Miranda and Jon, then I will.”
“I’ll take Alex and Julie,” Dad said. “I’ll drive them to the convent and then Alex and I can drive back.”
“You’ll use up all the gas,” Matt said. “The van’s got to be a gas guzzler.”
“Couldn’t Alex take one of the cars instead?” I asked. “Matt’s or Mrs. Nesbitt’s? They’d get better mileage, and we’d have the van if we need it.”
“That’s a great idea, Miranda,” Dad said. “Five gallons in a car will get us farther than ten gallons in the van. We’ll us
e one of the containers and leave the other one here for an emergency.”
“That seems fair to me,” I said, glaring at Matt. “Alex can use his half of the gas and we’ll keep my half here.”
“How do we know the cars are still working?” Mom asked.
“You didn’t keep them tuned up?” Dad asked. “All these months and you didn’t run the engines?”
“It was stupid of me,” Mom said. She looked stricken. “Hal, I didn’t think. I’m sorry.”
“I thought I could count on you,” he said to Matt.
“Well, I thought I could count on you,” Matt replied. “I guess we were both wrong.”
I hated this. I hated every moment of it. These are the people I love most in the world and the ones I depend on the most. “Maybe the cars still run,” I said. “We won’t know until we try. And if they don’t, then Alex should take the van. He can have my half of the gas. Maybe Dad’ll find some more gas on the drive back.”
“If the van is all you have, Julie and I can’t take it,” Alex said. “We’ll go by foot. We’ll find bikes along the way, maybe another car. We can manage.”
“No,” Mom said. “The air is awful, and Julie shouldn’t be out in it any longer than necessary. Hal, if you drive Julie and Alex, when do you think you’ll get back? Tomorrow night?”
“Maybe,” Dad said. “Or Wednesday afternoon. That way we could make sure Julie’s settled in. And there’s no way of knowing what the roads are like.”
“Lisa and Gabriel can stay over here,” Mom said. “If they’ll feel more comfortable.”
“No, they’ll be fine,” Dad said. “Charlie will look after them. Maybe Jon could spend the night.”
“Then it’s settled,” Mom said. “And I don’t want to hear another word out of any of you.” She glared equal time at Alex and Matt.
“Miranda, would you like to come along?” Dad asked. “I’d love your company, and I’m sure Alex and Julie would, too.”
“Yes,” I said before anyone had a chance to say no for me.
“Is that a good idea?” Mom asked. “Ninety miles. That seems so far away.”
“Please, Mom,” I said. “I never go anywhere. You let Matt and Jon go all by themselves to the river. I’ll be in the van with Dad.”
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