by Trina Solet
Teddy shrugged.
"This game is even harder than I realized," Alec said.
"It's a car," Cory told them.
Alec rolled his eyes. "Teddy, show him how it's done. Draw a car."
"I can't right now. I'm drawing a boat," Teddy explained patiently.
Alec took a piece of paper for himself. He drew while Cory flipped channels on the old TV. When Alec turned the paper to show him his drawing, Cory expected to see a car. It was a sketch of Teddy drawing. Alec had gotten Teddy's look of intense concentration just right.
They showed it to Teddy. He pointed to himself and said, "Me?" He looked embarrassed.
"You two are such brothers," Alec said.
Cory couldn't think of a higher compliment.
Chapter 19
The next morning Cory was up first. Looking out the window, he frowned. The horizon was a sliver of orange and steely blue. It was just plain gray above.
Cory turned to look at Alec, who was still asleep, unbelievably fuckable and also noticeably hard under the thin sheet. He leaned over Alec and whispered in his ear, letting his lips brush his earlobe.
"Bad news. We don't have beach weather," Cory informed Alec.
Alec sat up, saw that Teddy was still sleeping and gave Cory a look of grievous injury for waking him. Cory pointed at his crotch then at the bathroom door, telling him where to take his morning wood. With a hopeful look on his face, Alec motioned for Cory to join him. Cory smugly shook his head. Alec's look turned murderous and Cory smirked.
Not long after, Teddy was up as well, a hundred percent alert as soon as he opened his eyes. Taking no notice of the clouds out the window, Teddy jumped up and down excitedly like he couldn't contain himself.
"Even if it rains, we won't be able to keep this one out of the water," Alec said.
It was cloudy, but it didn't rain so after breakfast they went to the beach. When they got there, the waves were way too big for inexperienced swimmers like Cory and Teddy. Teddy urged on the biggest waves and cheered when they crashed on shore.
They kept their clothes on and walked up and down the beach. A number of other people were doing the same thing. Teddy ran back and forth letting the waves chase him. After checking the weather on his phone, Alec said it was supposed to clear up in the afternoon.
They walked to the pier and stood there with other vacationers. They saw big boats in the distance, and Teddy waved to them. Close to lunchtime, they walked back into town to find a place to eat. That's when Cory noticed a yellow cab parked along the curb and stopped.
"Let's take one somewhere," Cory said.
"Where should we go?" Alec wondered.
"Anywhere."
"I know the place," Alec said. "It will take care of lunch too."
Alec gave the cab driver their destination and they climbed in.
"Have you been in a yellow cab before?" Alec asked Teddy as he sat between him and Cory.
Teddy nodded.
"But not with your big brother. That's why it's special," Alec said.
Teddy agreed and smiled. Cory put an arm around him.
After a twenty minute ride, the cab left them in front of Earl's Cliffside Grill. Other than the location, the most notable thing about the place was the cartoonish sea creatures on its sign, like they were serving up Disney characters for lunch. Otherwise, it was a plain, square building with several benches outside where people were eating. The place was set back from the cliff that gave it its name. The cliff overlooked a small cove where Cory could see a handful of people sitting on towels. Two women were having a lot of trouble setting up a beach umbrella. Though the weather was still overcast, it was starting to clear. The sea was already noticeably calmer.
Alec went inside Earl's to get the attention of the staff. He came out with menus and sat across from Cory and Teddy at one of the tables.
"A seafood grill?" Cory said. He hoped they had more than just seafood.
"You two will love their hush puppies. I guarantee it," Alec said.
"They are not actually puppies," Cory said to Teddy so there would be no confusion.
"They better not be. They are fried," Alec said.
After they discussed what they should have, Alec said, "And I'm having a beer. And you guys can have... the pleasure of watching me drink it."
"They make their own lime-cherry soda. We'll have that," Cory told him. It was the only thing on the menu he found appealing.
"Beer is no good," Teddy said, making a face.
"It's not for kids," Alec said.
"Makes me puke," Teddy said, startling Cory.
"What?" Cory asked.
"The mean man made me drink it," Teddy said. "I didn't want to, but he pinched my nose. I puked and he and Mom laughed."
Cory was speechless. He forced himself to smile at Teddy.
"That is mean. It's not good for kids to drink alcohol. Grown ups are not supposed to give alcohol to kids. It's not allowed," Cory told him while keeping his feelings in check. He felt sick and angry, but he didn't want to upset Teddy.
"I don't need to have it," Alec said. He looked like he had lost his appetite for beer. And Cory wasn't the only one holding back his feelings. Alec's eyes gleamed with suppressed fury while he gave Teddy a shaky smile.
While Alec gave their orders to the waiter, Cory watched Teddy carefully. He didn't seem upset, and Cory was relieved. Teddy cautiously tasted the soda when it arrived in extra tall glasses then gave it a thumbs up. The hush puppies were a hit. The crispy breaded shrimp were deemed "pretty good" by Teddy. Cory didn't think they were too bad either. If they were chicken instead of shrimp, they would have been great.
As promised, the sky had cleared. The sun shone brightly as they walked along the cliff after lunch. The cliff was grassy with a rocky edge. It wasn't very high, just high enough to worry Cory and impress Teddy. Both he and Alec held Teddy's hands as they walked close to the edge. They went around then down a path to the small beach underneath the cliff. Only a few other people were there. An elderly couple helped each other walk into the water, then splashed water on each other before taking a dip. The two women who had been setting up the umbrella were still there. One of them was texting. The other one was asleep.
Cory warned Teddy that he had to wait a little bit before he went swimming. At the same time, Cory tried not to stare at Alec's chest as he raised his arms to pull off his t-shirt. His chest expanded as he stretched. Once the woman who was texting noticed Alec in his swim trunks, she stared at him openly. After a minute, she nudged her sleeping friend, but she refused to be woken up. Alec was a sight. Too bad Cory had to keep his eyes averted.
When Teddy was covered in sunscreen and playing on the edge of the water, Cory took the opportunity to talk to Alec about what he told them at lunch.
"Shouldn't he have been more upset about that man forcing him to drink beer until he threw up? Not that I want him to be upset," Cory said.
"I don't think he grew up expecting people to be all that nice to him," Alec said. Cory could see that he was still angry about what Teddy told them. "And also, that man isn't here and you are."
"I make everything better?" Cory asked skeptically, but Alec just nodded. "I don't think that's how it works," Cory said.
"With you looking out for him, Teddy is in a different world. All the bad stuff is in the past," Alec said and turned to look at him.
For a moment Cory was so captivated by his eyes, he forgot where he was and almost kissed him. He forced himself to look away and noticed the old map sticking out of the bag with their stuff.
"Why do you like old things like thrift store books and maps?" he asked to get his mind off everything he would do after kissing Alec.
"It doesn't suit me, does it?" Alec said. He lay back on the towel and folded his arms behind his head. "I'm definitely not an old fashioned guy. I think it's because I don't have anything that's real in my life so I like things that are real, that have a history, that I can touch and hold."
"You hav
e plenty. Your family..." Cory started to say.
"That's your hot-button issue. I know I have my family, but I need to find some meaning in my personal life."
"Right," Cory said, feeling the sting of his words. He didn't mean anything to Alec, of course. That was according to their agreement, but it still hurt to hear it spelled out like that. He was glad when Teddy ran back to them and jolted him out of his thoughts.
Teddy was excited as he opened his hand and showed them a seashell. It was white and purplish along the edge with a small chip.
"Nice one," Alec told him.
"Good job finding it," Cory said. "Do you want to swim now?" He was ready to go in himself. He wanted to get away from Alec.
For the rest of the day, Alec nudged him, sent him questioning looks, but Cory refused to acknowledge them. He mainly spoke to Teddy. He felt like he had no right to his anger, but it was there anyway, and he felt that it was building not subsiding. By the time they went back to the hotel to get their stuff before driving home, Cory was ready to have it out.
They left Teddy to draw in the hotel room and stepped out into the hallway. Alec stopped right outside the door, but Cory went as far as he dared while still keeping the door to their room in sight.
"What the hell is eating you?" Alec asked, thoroughly confused.
"What more do you want? Why the hell am I not good enough? I spent my whole life not being wanted. I'm kind of sick of it," Cory snapped. He closed his eyes, a little ashamed of his outburst.
When he opened his eyes, Cory saw that Alec looked taken aback and kind of mad.
"We did this on your terms," Alec said in a hushed voice.
Did he really believe that?
"My terms? These are not my terms. These were never my terms," Cory said, admitting that he lied, that he always wanted more.
"I know, and I knew it even when you said we would just be satisfying each other." Alec said it like he was admitting that he was guilty too. "That's why this was a mistake."
"I was a mistake," Cory said.
"It goes both ways. Neither one of us did this alone. You need a hero and that's not me. Ian and I used to toss an old half dollar to decide who would get to be the hero and who would get to be the villain. We both wanted to be the villain. The villain had more fun."
"So you're a big, bad man," Cory mocked him, but Alec only got even more serious.
"And you are being stupid. You have Teddy now. You can't afford to get involved with a guy like me. You're promising him that you'll always be there. I can't do that. I don't have it in me." Alec had leaned close to him, almost speaking in his ear.
"Didn't you come here because you didn't want an empty life?" Cory asked him, making a desperate plea.
"Don't read too much into that. You've been waiting all your life for someone to show you love and commitment, to help you build a family. I'm not that guy."
Cory only looked at him, hurt, disappointed, but with nothing to say. He was still angry, but he didn't want to fight. There was no point. Alec just didn't want him.
He let Alec go back to the room ahead of him while he stayed behind to pull himself together. As he looked at a framed print of an ocean scene hanging on the hallway wall, he pictured himself as one of Alec's paintings. He was a body forever contorted between pleasure and pain, trapped, faceless, only a smeared shadow of himself, the real him forgotten, long discarded.
*
As he left Cory standing there, Alec felt a tightness in his chest that would hardly let him breathe. If he had only told the truth, why did it hurt him so much to say it? Every word he said tore him up inside. He didn't even want to think about how Cory must feel. A stupid fight in a hotel hallway probably wasn't the best way to set Cory straight. Alec didn't even know what kind of damage he might have done. He hoped Cory wouldn't hate him.
Letting Cory think that he was just a pastime left Alec overwhelmed by sadness and regret. But it was better to disappoint him now than to hurt him later. He wasn't what Cory needed or Teddy either. He felt like he was an empty vessel. Cory and Teddy might be able to fill his life, but he had nothing to offer them in return except another abandonment.
Alec put on a happy face when he stepped back into the room so Teddy wouldn't know anything was wrong. Obviously Cory needed more time before he could put on an act. When he came back, he was pale and only managed a weak smile for Teddy. They got busy packing, and getting ready to leave. By the time they got in the car, Cory seemed more like himself.
As they left, Teddy looked eagerly back at the ocean. He clutched the seashell the same way he had clutched the yellow cab when Alec first saw him.
"We'll go again, I promise," Cory told him.
"It's not far. We'll go again soon," Alec said.
Cory shot him a sharp look for making promises.
Teddy seemed reassured, but he still glanced back as if making sure the ocean was still there.
Alec already felt a sense of nostalgia for their short trip to Linden Beach. He predicted that he would always look back at this time with longing, think of Cory happy with another man, and regret his decision even if it was the right one.
Chapter 20
After they came home, Cory was civil but cold to Alec. He couldn't help it. He wanted to act normal, but just seeing Alec stirred up so many mixed emotions. The best he could do was to shut them all down. Alec was the same way toward him. Teddy noticed, of course. He might not know what their fight was about, but he could tell they weren't getting along, and it worried him. Cory hated to see the anxious look on his face. He saw it again when he got home from work. He sat down next to Teddy on the couch and put his arm around him. He was such a little thing. He didn't deserve the burden of adult drama.
"I want to tell you something. Don't worry when Alec and I fight. We'll make up," Cory said and he believed it. He just had to get over his disappointment first. "And that goes for you and me too. If we ever fight, we'll always make up."
"Because you're my brother," Teddy said quietly.
"Yes, because I love you and I'll be your brother forever."
"I love you too," Teddy said and looked shy, but then he got back to what concerned him. "And Alec?"
"We'll have to see about Alec. He has to make his own decision."
"Make up with Alec," Teddy said, rushing him.
"I'm still too mad. Give me a chance to cool off. OK?"
Teddy agreed reluctantly. A little later he came up to him to ask, "Are you cool yet?"
"Not yet," Cory told him with a smile.
Teddy looked impatient but agreed to wait a little longer.
A few minutes later, Alec stood in the doorway of the living room. Cory had been looking at the brothers picture, reminding himself that it was just him and Teddy, just the two of them.
"I was ordered to make up with you," Alec said.
"And how do you plan on doing that?" Cory asked him.
"I've already agreed to be the bad guy," Alec said. "I was built for it."
"And I should look for my hero elsewhere," Cory said, bitterly. He didn't want anyone else. He only wanted this man, the one who didn't want him.
Alec took a different approach, more physical. He came up to Cory and tried to take his hand. The warning look Cory gave him made Alec back off.
"I just want you to see that this is for the best," Alec said, still standing close as if he wanted to seduce Cory into believing him.
Cory shook his head and walked away. "I'll take care of dinner," he told Alec. He wanted to give himself something to do.
"Want me to help you?" Alec asked.
Cory turned back to him angrily. He let the look on his face be his answer.
A little later, Teddy came into the kitchen with an expectant look.
"Did you do it? Did you make up?" he said.
"Not yet," Cory told him.
Teddy didn't like that answer.
"We can't always let Alec have his way," Cory said. "We have to stand up to him."
Teddy frowned.
"Help me with dinner," Cory told him. Maybe both of them needed to stay occupied so they could stop thinking about Alec.
*
After a night of restless sleep, Alec was up too early. He grumbled as he shuffled down the hallway. Now he would have to face Cory and his angry look or worse, his hurt look. As he walked to the kitchen, he saw no sign of Cory. Teddy was in the kitchen though. He was frowning at a piece of paper. Going over, Alec saw that it was a note. "Went to Pine Hill" it said simply, signed with Cory's name. Knowing what that meant, Alec almost cursed but remembered just in time that Teddy was there. He was staring up at Alec questioningly.
"Pine Hill," he said to Alec.
He must have recognized those words and probably Cory's name too.
"It's nothing to worry about," Alec reassured him then got on the phone with his mom.
"I need you to come stay with Teddy. Cory went to Pine Hill. Shit! Hold on..." Alec said.
Teddy was already out the kitchen door. Alec called his name, but he was gone. He called to him several times as he ran after him.
"Teddy!" Alec yelled, rushing outside.
He got no answer, but he spotted him. Still in his pajamas, Teddy was running barefoot on the stone path that went to the back of the house, toward the hill. He was almost halfway down the path before Alec could catch up to him.
"What are you doing?" Alec asked, taking Teddy by the hand.
"Cory went to the hill," Teddy said.
"That doesn't mean you should run out of the house like that!" Alec said.
"Brothers go together," Teddy insisted. He was ready to just keep going.
"You can't go after him in your pajamas and bare feet. Let's get dressed, and we'll go together," Alec told him. He was trying his best not to let on how scared he had been and still was.
Alec picked up Teddy and carried him back into the house. He got on the phone with his mom again and told her to meet them at the base of the hill. They got ready quickly and practically ran there. Mom drove up just as they arrived.