by Various
thatAndrews was a shiftless, suspicious character not above hog stealing.When the opposing counsel got hold of the plaintiff he asked:
"Was this hog ranging the country?"
"Yes, he was loosely about and around."
"Went where he pleased, didn't he?"
"Reckon he did."
"Well, how do you know he is dead? How far have you hunted for him?"
"Three miles."
"But he may be alive and well and four miles away."
"Couldn't be. Tom Andrews killed him."
"That's only your suspicion. Can you swear that that hog isn't home thisvery minute?"
"Mebbe he ar', but I shan't dun giv in."
The witness who had sworn to eating pork at Andrews' table was asked:
"Can you tell pork from a two-year-old hog from pig meat?"
"No, sah."
"Dare you swear that the meat you ate that day wasn't coon or bearmeat?"
"Reckon 'twas pork."
"Yes, you reckon, but do you know it was?"
"Dasn't dun sw'ar any harder, sah."
The second witness was also tangled up on cross-examination, and thenAndrews was put on the stand.
"Tom, did you ever see this hog in question?" asked his lawyer.
"Lawd, no!"
"How long since you had any fresh pork at your house?"
"Almost before the wah, sah."
"What meat did Miner eat there that day?"
"Coon, sah."
"What about those bristles and hoofs he says he saw?"
Tom produced a small package and opened it and displayed the four feetof a coon and a handful of hair. He admitted on cross-examination thathe was onery, but he claimed to be honest.
"Mrs. Andrews," asked the lawyer when she was called, "do you rememberwhen Jackson called about the quilt frames?"
"'Deed, I do."
"Were you cooking meat?"
"Sartain, I was."
"Fresh pork?"
"No, sah--'possum."
"Were you confused?"
"Lawd save ye, but I was never dun confused in all my life."
The case wasn't very strong in a legal sense against Andrews, but afterit had been submitted his Honor called up all his dignity and commanded:
"You thar! Tom Andrews, stand up!"
Tom arose.
"Prisoner," continued the judge, "you stole that air hog suah'sshooting! It's jist like you. You killed it and converted it to your ownuse. I'm jist as satisfied of that as I ar' that you took coons outen mytrap last winter. However, they hain't proved it down fine and I've gotto turn ye loose. Ar' yer ears wide open, Tom?"
"'Deed they is allus so."
"Then you skitter (listen) to what I'm going to say. Justice is arteryou. She hit your trail way back ten years ago, and she's followin'right along. She moves slow but suah. She's gittin very clus to yourvest buckle, and when she reaches out fur ye it will be good-by, TomAndrews. You kin go loose, but it's only fur a leedle while. Justice isgivin' ye mo' rope so that the bringin' up will be harder. Git out ofyere and lumber yer carcass off hum, and if I was the plaintiff I'd cutacross lots and meet ye down by the creek and lick the value of that hogouter yer wrinkled hide. Court stands a-journed."
--_Detroit Free Press._
A PATHFINDER.]
TRAVIS--What! going into the Adirondacks without a guide?
DESMITH--Of course. Do you suppose a man who has trotted around Bostonfor five years is going to lose his way in the Adirondacks? Not much!
--_Burlington Free Press._
There is a demand among theatrical people for "protection for Americanactors." How would an egg-intercepting screen at the front of the stagedo?
--_Philadelphia Times._
Not in His Line.
"Oh, dry up!" shouted somebody in the crowd to the intoxicatedindividual in the middle who was trying to make a campaign speech.
"Gen'l'men," said the speaker, stopping short in his harangue andlooking about with an injured and insulted air, "I dunno what I've ever(hic) done to make you wish (hic) that I should ever (hic) come (hic) tosuch an awful end!"
--_Somerville Journal._
Outwitted.
As Rich, the harlequin, was one evening returning home from theplayhouse in a hackney coach, he ordered the coachman to drive him tothe Sun, then a famous tavern in Clare Market. Just as the coach passedone of the windows of the tavern, Rich, who perceived it to be open,dexterously threw himself out of the coach window into the room. Thecoachman, who saw nothing of this transaction, drew up, descended fromhis box, opened the coach door, and let down the step: then taking offhis hat, he waited for some time, expecting his fare to alight; but atlength, looking into the coach, and seeing it empty, he bestowed a fewhearty curses on the rascal who had cheated him, remounted his box,turned about, and was driving back to the stand, when Rich, who hadwatched his chance, threw himself into the coach, looked out, asked thefellow where in all the world he was driving, and desired him to turnagain. The coachman, almost petrified with fear, instantly obeyed, andonce more drew up to the door of the tavern. Rich now got out; and,after reproaching the fellow with stupidity, tendered him his money.
"No, God bless your honor," said the coachman; "my master has ordered meto take no money to-night."
"Pshaw!" said Rich; "your master's a fool; here's a shilling foryourself."
"No, no," said the coachman, who by that time had remounted his box,"that won't do; I know you too well, for all your shoes--and so, Mr.Devil, for once you're outwitted."
--_Birmingham Post._
The Reason.
Why are very young sailors like condiments?
Because they are little salts for sea-sons.
--_Ocean._
A Sense of Safety.
I asked my own class of boys and girls if they always said their prayersnight and morning. Most replied that they did, but one small child saidshe only said her prayers in the morning. "Indeed, and how is that?" Iinquired. "I should think you would need God's care more at night thanin the daytime. Why don't you say your prayers at night?"
"'Cause I always sleep in the middle," was the quick reply.
--_Pittsburgh Press._
New England Courtship as it Was and Is.
Scene--Salem, 1660.
Priscilla Puritannica--Yes, Master Virtuous Ebenezer Smith, I love you.
Virtuous Ebenezer--Oh, you sweet girl.
Pris. Pur.--Now, do not be too voluptuous, Master Virtuous EbenezerSmith, and do not call me sweet.
Virt. Eb--I will try.
They engage in silent prayer.
* * * * *
In Boston, 1889.
Victor Emanuel Smythe--Darling, kiss me.
Priscillesca Powderpuff--I should like to, but oh, Vicky, God seeseverything!
Vic. Em. Sm.--Well, turn the light down.
(Priscilla turns it out.)
Chorus--Yum, yum, yum!
--_To-Day._
Trotters' Rival.
"I'll do it," he repeated, grinding his teeth and showing the whites ofhis eyes.
"Nonsense!" said Matilda. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself forthreatening such wickedness--and besides, you don't mean it. Go along!"
"Ha, ha!" exclaimed William Trotters, in a hollow voice. "Ha, ha!"
"You give me the creeps when you laugh like that," said Matilda; "andall the way to Gravesend you grumbled--when you weren't seasick. That ispretty lover, to go and be bilious on a pleasure trip!"
"It was the iron that had entered into my soul, Matilda," remarkedTrotters, solemnly.
"It disagreed with you, whatever it
was," said Matilda, tossing herpretty head and turning up her nose. "And when another gentleman--astranger--was attentive, and took care of me, instead of being grateful,you went on like a mad bull, and talked about having his gore."
"Either his or my own," groaned Trotters. "Oh, woman! why art thouthus?"
"You wouldn't want to marry us if we weren't, would you, gaby?" snappedMatilda. "Give me that nasty thing, there, do!" She pointed to Trotters'breast pocket, which, as far as could be seen by the light of thestreet-lamp near them, looked bulky.
"Never!" said Trotters,